Fen
"He's amazing," I sighed happily, staring up at the plain white ceiling above me with as much joy as if it held a beautiful mural.
"I still don't trust him," Luin grumbled. I glanced at him, concerned, and he smiled a bit. "I'm glad you're happy."
"Happy," I scoffed. It wasn't enough to describe how I felt after the past three weeks.
Zale and I ate dinner together every night. It was casual and could have been between two friends. It was never about romance, and had no implications of being a date. And that was kind of perfect. Between us, Zale and I had skipped a lot of steps. Me, by knowing from the start that we were soul mates. Him, with that whole betrothal debacle. It was good to get to know him better outside of all that.
Zale could be funny. I never knew. When his sarcasm wasn't wielded like a blade, it was actually hilarious.
And he could be sweet. When he noticed my fries were gone and I was stealing longing glimpses of his, he slid them onto my plate without a word. No fuss, no showing off. Just doing something he knew would make me happy.
I was getting to know my bond mate, and it was wonderful, no matter what Luin thought of him... though I did wish my best friend thought better of my... whatever Zale was.
An idea struck, so obvious yet so wonderful. How had I not done this sooner?
"Let's all have dinner together!" I said, turning to catch the grimace on Luin's face before he had time to cover it up with a smile.
"Sure," he said. He was trying to sound enthusiastic, but it was falling flat. That was okay; I was just glad he was trying to put on a nice face.
It was Thursday evening. On Thursdays, Zale and I ate an early dinner because he had a standing appointment in the evening. He had gotten uncomfortable when I asked what they were for, so I didn't ask again. Part of me worried about the secret keeping given our history, but trust was too important in relationships for me to withhold mine after one mistake. If I couldn't learn to trust him, and if he couldn't learn to honor that trust, we were doomed.
"When are we doing this?" Luin asked.
Oh, right. Dinner. "Maybe tomorrow? I'll have to check with Zale."
"Sounds good. Just let me know." Luin flicked his attention back to the TV screen and I smiled a little. He had just discovered "Planet Earth" and was enamored. I would never understand Luin's love for nature documentaries. Sure, they were good. But after enough hours, they could get a little boring.
I laid back down on the couch I was occupying and shut my eyes, happy to lounge here with my friend and the calming voice of David Attenborough in the background.
"Fen?" Luin said after a while, breaking our silence.
"Yeah?" I pushed up on my arms so I could see him, and I almost wished I hadn't. His eyes, like pools of liquid mercury, were full of concern. This couldn't be going anywhere pleasant.
"I've been thinking a lot about what you said a while back. About how you never make your own decisions."
I didn't want to talk about that. "I was just having a bad day," I said. My tone was meant to be dismissive, but it came out shaky.
Luin wasn't fooled. "You bite your lip when you're lying." I eased my lip out from between my teeth and cursed the fact he'd known me so long.
"I'm not trying to make a big deal out of this," Luin continued, "but my response when you said that has been bothering me. I dismissed your feelings when I should have just listened. When I look at you, I see my best friend who has the biggest heart I've ever known. I see someone who puts other people first, over and over, no matter what it costs him. That's so brave, Fen. But it's okay if you don't see yourself the same way."
I felt like crying, and for a few seconds, I was afraid I would. It felt like a weight had eased off my chest. Like, maybe, I could talk to Luin about this and it would be okay. "Thanks," I whispered around the lump in my throat.
Luin's smile was wobbly. "No need to thank me. Just... if you ever want to talk, I'll listen."
"Thanks," I whispered again, softer than before.
I took a while to wrangle my emotions, trying to make sense of them. But I had been trying to make sense of how I was feeling for a while now without making any progress. Maybe talking would be better, and it seemed like Luin was prepared to really listen to me without judgment.
"Luin?"
He paused his show this time, like he knew just from my tone that this was going to take up his focus. It was a small gesture, but it made me feel warm and it became easier to speak.
"I don't think I like myself very much," I said. Luin looked like he wanted to say something, probably to argue with me, but he didn't. I appreciated it. I didn't need an argument; I needed someone to listen. "I'm almost thirty and I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. Shouldn't I have accomplished something by now? Or shouldn't I at least have a goal? All I've ever really wanted was love. That's not what should define me."
I couldn't even pinpoint when it had started. With my lack of parental love, probably. Then the sudden disappearance of the love of friendship when Luin went away. And then, when my bond mate didn't instantly love me like I always dreamed. It wasn't a reasonable expectation to put on him, I knew that. You can't love what you don't know, and Zale and I were just easing into knowing each other now, months after our meeting.
Luin looked uncertain. "Fen... it must be really hard, feeling that way about yourself."
I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "Yeah, it is. I don't know how to fix it." How to fix myself, I should have said. But that was just a little too dark.
"Well... you want goals. So, why don't we start there? What do you care about, other than Zale?" Luin asked.
It wasn't a question I had thought much about, and I was kind of stumped. "I guess... I care about the other people in my life."
That's kind of how it had always been for me. I tried to make the people I loved happy, and I tried to meet their expectations for me. It felt good when I did.
"I know you do, Fen. But is there something else? Something that's just for you? A hobby, maybe?"
The question made me hurt, because the answer was no.
Luin must have read my expression, because he didn't press for an answer. "What did you used to do for fun before you moved here?"
I thought back on my days in Alterra. Mostly, I had worked. When I wasn't working, I went through a routine that had been engrained in me when I was young. Exercising regularly, cooking so I could eat well, keeping my home clean. Networking with people who never really felt like friends to further a career that hadn't captured my heart. That had felt like my whole life.
But there was one thing I loved.
"I like nature," I remembered. It had been so long since I indulged in it, I had somehow almost forgotten. "Flowers, especially."
Luin grinned. "That's something!"
It was. Why didn't I spend more time indulging that side of myself? I had never really thought about it. Why not? I imagined looking out over a field of flowers and knowing I was the reason they were thriving. Being responsible for that kind of beauty... it had to be incredible. My heart lightened the more I considered it, and soon I was grinning back at Luin. "I could start a garden!"
Luin pulled out his laptop and opened it to a site about beginner gardening. "It's probably best to start here, with the easy plants. Then you can work your way up."
I scrolled through the webpage, marveling in how many kinds of flowers there were. So many colors and shapes, and I itched to try configuring them, myself.
"I should do a color theme," I thought aloud. "Purples and blues and whites."
"That would be great," Luin said enthusiastically. I didn't know if he was agreeing just because he was trying to cheer me up or if he thought it really was a good idea, and I didn't care. In my mind, it was beautiful, and that was what mattered.
This is for me, I thought giddily.
I had already made note of a few plants I wanted to try growing for sure: catmint, sweet peas, and Shasta daisies. Then my heart sank with a sad realization. "I can't."
"What?"
"I can't do it," I repeated, even though it made my heart feel like it could break. "I don't have any land. I live at the school, and I couldn't use Zale's home either. It's underwater."
I imagined growing a kelp garden and snorted sadly.
Luin was unshaken. "Why not grow your garden here?" he offered.
Tempting, but if it was to be my garden, I sort of wanted it to be... well, mine. Not at my friend's house.
Was that stupid? I didn't know. This was the most exciting prospect I'd had in a long time, other than being with Zale. Shouldn't I pursue it, even if it wasn't quite what I imagined?
Maybe. Probably. But it didn't feel right.
"I'll think about it," I said.
Luin smiled and kept scrolling through the webpage. I followed along, but a lot of the joy was muted now. By the end of the evening, I had a long list of flowers and no idea where I would put them.
--
I didn't think I would be so nervous about introducing Luin and Zale. When I asked him if he would have dinner with my friends tonight, he looked pleased to be included and agreed without hesitation. Now, I was in Zale's living room, waiting while he changed into more casual clothes even though I assured him he wouldn't stand out in what he was wearing. Luin always dressed a little formally and Zale's crisp button-down might have won him some easy points.
It would be okay, I reassured myself. If this went poorly, it wasn't going to be because of Zale's outfit. I was just overthinking things.
Zale came out in a cream-colored sweater that looked incredibly soft. Without thinking, I reached out and ran a hand down his chest, blushing when Zale captured it and pressed a kiss to my palm.
"I take it I pass inspection?" he asked with twinkling eyes.
"Mhm," I agreed. The sweater was just as soft as it looked, and it hugged itself to Zale in the best ways. Not clinging, which wouldn't have been classy. It was just tight enough in just the right places.
He kissed me and said, "You look good, too," in a silky-soft voice before pulling away, then laughed when I blushed.
"Thanks," I muttered. "Ready?"
Zale reached out to take my hand, but before I could take it, someone knocked on his door.
"You'd better get that," I said when Zale looked uncertainly between me and the door. With a grateful smile, he crossed the room and pulled open the door.
A positively giddy Astrea stood on the other side. "Zale!" she cheered when she saw him, pushing her way inside and shutting the door loudly behind her. "You'll never believe what happened! Oh, hey, Fen!"
Zale looked amused at her enthusiasm, and even I was smiling along with them. "Kyra just e-mailed me. She and Dad made an agreement. She doesn't have to marry that man from Huron, after all."
Zale smiled bigger than I ever thought possible. "Really?"
"Yeah! She had to agree to go along with his plans to find her an appropriate match - meetings and parties and whatnot. But that's okay, because it means she'll be able to have some say in who she ends up with. It's better than before," Astrea cheerfully explained.
I felt acute relief. This had been really weighing on Zale. He felt like he had failed Kyra by not being able to help her with her situation, as though it was somehow his responsibility. And as though he hadn't already helped just by taking Astrea out of the situation.
"I'm glad," Zale said. He hugged Astrea against his side and she smiled up at him. It was such a cute sibling moment, I pulled out my phone and snapped a quick picture. It made Zale frown at me, though his eyes were still lit with excitement so I knew he wasn't really upset. Astrea just laughed.
"What are you guys doing?" Astrea asked, eyeing Zale's sweater for the first time. It was true he didn't usually bother wearing nice clothes outside the classroom and court.
"Dinner with Fen's friends," Zale said, and Astrea immediately pulled away.
"Sorry! I didn't mean to disrupt your plans!"
"You're not," Zale assured her. I nodded in agreement while my mind turned over a new idea.
"Why don't you come with us?" I offered. "There's always plenty of food and it'll taste loads better than what they serve here."
Astrea looked to Zale for guidance, but he just shrugged. "Are you sure your friends wouldn't mind?"
"Positive," I assured her. In fact, I felt a little bad about not inviting Astrea sooner. The group of friends Luin had gathered around himself here on Earth were more like a family. Astrea needed an atmosphere like that more than anyone else I knew. She needed to go somewhere and be surrounded by people who didn't care who or what she'd been born as. People who just knew her as Astrea, with no idea there had ever been an Adras.
"Please come," I added, since she still looked uncertain.
That won her over, and she smiled nervously. "Okay."
My heart warmed at the small victory. I really believed this would be good for Astrea, and it would probably be good for Zale, too. Luin would have to see how caring Zale was with his little sister. No one who saw those two together could think Zale cold or selfish.
Having Astrea along evaporated all my nerves. Zale's hand enfolded mine and I looked up in time to catch him looking at me with a tender smile that made my heart flutter in my chest. "Thanks," he mouthed.
I smiled even bigger and shut my eyes so I could really appreciate the feeling of having gotten something so very right.
Astrea put her hand on top of ours, and we were off.