Ever felt like dying to know about something but too afraid to ask because the answer might be the opposite of what you want to hear?
Yeji felt like a bullet hit her and dug a hole in her chest. Her worst fears had come true.
"I did, Yeji. And I still do."
Yeji stared blankly at Heejin as the words continuously reverberated in her head.
What would happen to her now if Heejin wants Ryujin back? Does she have the right to say no?
"She's my first love," Heejin continued, eyes at the floor. "But she was dumb not to recognize it."
It took Yeji a few more seconds before she even thought of saying something.
"Was that... was that the reason you left...?"
"Mmm... Partly, yes." Heejin nodded. "I don't see hope in us. I don't even think she feels the same way for me. So, when the opportunity for my dream career came knocking at my door I took it right away, without hesitation."
"But... but she... she loved you..." Yeji found it hard to say those words.
"She could have, but I'm not sure." Heejin shrugged. "She cared for me--yes--but I know it was never like what I felt for her. And when you came into the picture, I saw the proof that I was right."
Yeji was surprised to hear that. "What do you mean?"
Heejin smiled. "Ryujin never looked at me the way she looks at you, Yeji."
Yeji froze. She's wondering how in the world Heejin can see such things when they are only pretending.
"Which reminds me I should apologize for my behavior towards you," said Heejin. "I know I've offended you. I'm so sorry." She looked away. "My pride just can't accept the fact that Ryujin took the courage to be with you when you've only known each other for months. I've been with her for four years and she never did that."
Yeji felt the guilt creeping up inside her knowing she and Ryujin are only pretending.
"She loves you, Yeji. I can see it in her," said Heejin. "And believe me or not, I am in love with Soobin. It's just that there's still a part in me that wanted to settle something with Ryujin."
Yeji felt nervous at that.
"I wanted to talk to her that's why I invited you guys here," admitted Heejin. "I should have done this earlier but I can't find time for it." She takes in a deep breath. "But since we're here now and talking, I'd like to ask for your permission, Yeji."
Yeji's nervous now more than ever.
"Soobin will have a photoshoot tomorrow morning until noon," continued Heejin. "I think that's the perfect time for Ryujin and me to talk. Only if you'll allow it."
Yeji took a deep breath.
"Don't worry. I won't try anything to snatch her from you." Heejin chuckled. "Ryujin loves you. But I can see she's troubled as much as I am. I think it's about time we settle things up for ourselves."
Yeji glanced at Ryujin. She knows that she has no right to hinder this talk. In fact, this is the main reason they went there.
"Okay. I'll leave you two alone tomorrow."
Heejin let out a warm smile. She approached Yeji and bent over for a hug.
"Thanks, Yeji. Thank you."
Yeji felt Heejin's eagerness to have this talk. She rubbed Heejin's back with a hand to acknowledge her sincerity.
It's all up to Ryujin now.
---
Ryujin opened her eyes and caught a glimpse of the balcony door. It's gloomy outside and she wondered what time is it now.
She turned her head aside and found nothing but the pillows.
Ryujin tried to get up but her headache started to pound. She let herself fall back heavily on the bed, massaging her own scalp with her fingers.
"Hey, you're up."
Ryujin was alarmed when she realized that it's not the voice she's expecting to greet her.
"Heejin?"
"Yup, it's me." Heejin walked towards the bed.
Although it was a real challenge for her to get up the first time, Ryujin managed to do it now with little effort due to panic.
"Is this your room? What am I doing here?"
Heejin chuckled as she sat on the bed. "Relax, monkey. Relax. This is still your room. And what's with that look? We did not sleep together, okay?"
"Oh. Sorry." Ryujin scratched her head. She scanned the area. "Where's Yeji?"
Heejin let out a loud sigh as her face becomes gloomy. She looked like she will say some bad news.
"She left Ryujin..."
"What!" Ryujin panicked. She's not sure if it's because she confessed to Yeji.
Wait. Did she even confess? She can't remember anything from last night!
Heejin burst out laughing after seeing Ryujin's face. "I'm kidding!" She messed up Ryujin's hair with both her hands. "Don't worry. She just went outside for a walk."
Ryujin relaxed again after hearing that. "What is she doing out?"
"She went out to leave us alone."
"What do you mean?"
"She allowed us to have our talk."
Ryujin felt confused. She has no idea what happened last night. Everything is blurred after she got drunk. Just imagine what she's feeling now waking up to this scenario.
Heejin glanced at her wristwatch. "It's only 7:30 am, and since you're supposed to check out 12:30 pm, I still have max until 10:30 am to talk to you."
"I don't think I'm physically prepared for this talk. I'm not myself at the moment. I can't even remember a thing that happened last night," said Ryujin, brushing her hands through her hair.
"I'm afraid there's no other time, Ryujin."
"Why?"
"Soobin and I are going back to Singapore after a week."
Ryujin's eyes widened. The same old feeling when Heejin left came rushing to her suddenly. "You're... going back...?"
Heejin nodded. "It won't be yearlong like the last time. It might be for a month or two only. But yeah, we're going back there for some projects."
Ryujin brought her hands again to her head. Everything is just coming to her all at once. Her hangover is killing her, her mind is worrying about what's going on with Yeji. And now she feels upset again that Heejin will not stay for good.
"Suddenly out of my life, suddenly coming back, and now you're leaving again?"
"Ryujin..." Heejin held both Ryujin's hands with hers. They met eyes. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
This is the first time, Ryujin felt her heeki has finally come home to her. Ryujin closed both her eyes when Heejin pressed their foreheads together.
"What are you apologizing for?"
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry for running away from you..."
"It's okay." Ryujin pulled back. "You've done the right thing. That's your dream, right? I've no right to ask you to stay because you're future depends on that opportunity. I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad you took it."
"No... you don't get it..."
"I don't get what?"
"I took that opportunity because I literally want to run away from you..."
"What? Why?"
"Because I can't accept it," Heejin whispered, gazing downward for a moment, "I can't accept that I've totally fallen for you."
---
It was a windy morning at the beach and people weren't in the mood for a swim. The sea waves are stronger than usual.
Yeji is feeling the cold wind with her right hand raised mid-air. She looked up and saw the dark-gray clouds forming just above the resort.
"It's gonna rain soon."
Yeji turned to the voice and saw the tattooed woman from yesterday. "Hey."
"What's up? Where's Cutie?" The woman lit up a cigarette.
Although this person was kinda flirty the first time they met--which irritated her to the bones--Yeji knew she needs to be nice today because she could really use someone to talk to.
"She's in our room," she said.
"You had a fight?" asked the woman, blowing smoke opposite Yeji's direction.
Yeji shook her head while tucking a stray hair behind her ears to keep her hair from getting messed up by the strong blow of the wind.
"You didn't fight? But there's something wrong with you guys, right?"
Yeji wasn't sure how to answer it. "How can you say so?"
The woman sniggered. "Well, it's all over your face, miss."
It is only just now, when the tattooed girl pointed it out, that Yeji admitted to herself that she's not okay.
"How do I look to you?"
"You look worried to me."
Yeji threw her gaze at the vast sea. Worried? Maybe.
After her conversation with Heejin last night, the idea of Heejin and Ryujin talking alone has been bothering her continuously. She doesn't know why she feels like she's betraying herself for offering their room to Heejin. It's like the cells in her body are telling her she made the wrong decision.
"Lemme guess, there is someone, right?" said the tattooed woman.
"Huh?" Yeji turned her head quickly to the woman beside her, wondering how the woman knew that.
The woman smiled. "Gotcha!"
"Oh." Yeji looked away, feeling embarrassed. "Maybe you could say that."
"To be honest, I never profiled Cutie as a womanizer. She looks kind and faithful to me, y'know."
"It's not really like that. She's not a cheater."
"Hm. Not a cheater? So, what's the issue?"
Yeji isn't sure if it's still okay to pretend, but she thought there's no point if she will tell the tattooed girl about the real deal between her and Ryujin.
"Well, someone from her past has come back to her life."
"Ahh. I see. And you're jealous, huh?"
Yeji swallowed a lump in her throat. She finds it hard to answer the question.
"Ex-girlfriends are really a pain in the ass, y'know, especially if they stayed long together before. It's like you're trying to get in this little space," the woman said, forming her hand to a circle, "that the ex had already occupied before."
"What if," Yeji hesitated, "what if they were never official?"
The tattooed woman looked confused. "You mean like pseudo-relationship?"
"Yeah. And they were like that for four years."
"Gosh. That was long. It's even more complicated than I thought." The woman folded her arms over her chest, raising her hand with the cigar mid-air. "The problem with that setup is they were never official. And because of that, they never also had an official breakup. I can imagine how complicated things are between the three of you now."
"What should I do then?" Yeji can't believe she's asking what she just said.
The woman chuckled. "Why are you worried? You're the girlfriend, right? Don't tell me you're not sure of Cutie's feelings for you?"
"I don't know," said Yeji, keeping her head down. "They've been together for four years and I'm just a girl she met five months ago."
The tattooed girl shook her head. "Tss... The fact that she chose to be in a relationship with you means you mean more to her than that old friend of hers. You should talk to her. She needs you now more than ever."
"Why?"
"If Cutie will get confused, that's normal because nostalgic feelings will come back for sure. What you need to do is help her realize that she's made the right decision to be with you. Everything that had happened before is now part of the past."
Yeji stared blankly at the sea. "What if... what if she's not really over her ex yet?"
"You two should talk about it," said the woman, blowing smoke again. "Remind her of the reason she took the courage to be with you, which she had not done to her ex even they were together for long. Both of you should do your part to make it through this." The woman pointed a finger at Yeji's hand. "Remember, that henna tattoo won't be completed without it's another half."
Yeji smiled as she stares at her right hand.
"Okay, my short break's over. I gotta go back to work now." The woman threw the cigarette bud in the outdoor ashtray. "It will rain soon. You should go back to your room now. Besides it is important that you guys talk."
"I will. Thanks." Yeji nodded and watched the woman walk back to the tattoo shop.
The cold wind blew again, this time with moisture in the air. It'll be probably raining any moment now. Yeji inhaled the sea breeze as she contemplates what the woman told her. She held her right hand and run a finger over the butterfly design. She shifted her gaze and stared blankly at the beach.
"Tsk. What have you done to me, Ryujin?"