At some point I had managed to stumble into my room.
And here I was. Hyperventilating. Panicking.
I began sweating, feeling my body beginning to overheat. So I sank off the edge of the bed onto the floor, hoping the wooden floor would help cool me down. I pulled my knees to my chest trying to comfort myself as the tears streamed uncontrollably down my face.
There was a knock on my door, but I couldn't muster up the strength to get up off the floor to answer it.
"Y/N?"
It was Nat.
"Sweetie it's me. Bucky asked me to come check on you...."
I still couldn't answer her, my chest was becoming so tight that I was struggling to breathe.
I felt trapped. I felt myself slipping into a dark place. Fast.
"Ok, that's it. Y/N? I'm coming in."
With that I heard the door open, and the noise of her edging in slowly.
When her eyes landed upon me huddled on the floor, she closed the door running over to me and sinking to her knees in front of me.
"What's happened? Y/N."
I looked at her helplessly as she studied me for a second before she realised what was happening, I was having a panic attack.
"Shit. Y/N, look at me..." she placed her hands on the tops of my knees, squeezing them gently to grab my attention. "Focus on my voice, come on sweetheart. You can do this..." my eyes locked onto hers and she smiled weakly at me. "That's it, I'm here with you. Now try and breathe with me, in.....and out. That's it and again. In....and out. Good, keep going."
I nodded and continued, slowly trying to fill my lungs with air.
"Jarvis!"
"Yes Miss Natasha?"
"Alert Bucky of my location, tell him I need him up here."
"NO!" I managed to blurt out. I didn't want him here.
Nat looked at me shocked, "Loki then?"
I shook my head no repeatedly.
"Ok. Ok, then cancel that request please Jarvis."
"Certainly."
I could tell she was panicked herself, I could see it in her eyes. But right now. I didn't want anyone else in my room. My chest began to grow tighter and I closed my eyes, trying to muster up control over myself but when I closed my eyes, I lost control.
I could see them coming towards me.
They were back.
They had me.
That meant one thing, the torture was about to begin again.
Screaming, I threw my hands up over my head in an attempt to protect myself.
"No...no...no! You...you can't. No please! I will do better! I'm sorry!" I screamed out.
Nat grabbed my arms trying to prize them away from my head, "Y/N come on you're not there anymore. You are with us you are safe!"
But I was trapped in my own mind, it was ruling over any rational thoughts. The feel of Nat pulling at my arms panicked me more. I thought they had me.
"Jarvis, tell Bucky to get here NOW!" Nat called out.
I curled into the foetal position on the floor, my eyes locked shut as I waited.
I waited for pain.
I waited for the torture.
The beatings.
Something.
"What's the emergency Nat..." Bucky asked as he raced into my room. That's when he spied us. "SHIT! Doll? Doll? Can you hear me?"
I felt myself being pulled from the ground, then arms wrapping around me.
"Doll...it's me. It's Bucky. You're ok, I've got you. You're safe. You're at the compound, don't let them do it Doll. C'mon you're stronger than this..." He murmured to me while he stroked my back, gently rocking us.
That voice?
I knew that voice...
Bucky.
He...he wasn't there. So I couldn't be there...Right?
My sobs began to slowly subside as he held me tight to his body, "That's it Doll, you've got this. Keep listening to me....come on back to us now. I don't need Steve kicking my ass because we are late for training. He will make my life hell and you know it."
That pulled a little chuckle from me, as I began to regain reality again and control my breathing, slowly I opened my eyes. Slowly looking up to find Bucky smiling down at me.
"Hi beautiful." He breathed, reaching carefully to wipe the last few tears from my face.
I leant into his touch, sighing.
"You ok?" Nat questioned, I looked over to her and nodded weakly.
My throat felt tight and dry but I managed to croak out, "Yeah, sorry guys."
"You don't need to be sorry, we were wondering when it would hit you if I'm honest." Nat looked from me to Bucky. "Is this the first time it's happened?"
I looked up at him and his jaw was locked tight as he stared at Nat. I leant my head in against his chest, "it's the first time it's happened during the day. Normally it has been bad dreams at night. Memories of it. Sometimes panic attacks. Loki normally helped me though, he would make them go away. Comfort me afterwards. I didn't want to tell anyone else. We all have enough on our plates with Asgard, I didn't want to burden anyone with it. I...I thought I had maybe got lucky and escaped it when Eir saved me. That I was over it, but...clearly I was wrong."
"Y/N?" Loki's voice sounded from outside my door, then he popped his head in to find me in Bucky's lap, with Nat sitting in front of us. How long had he been out there? Or how much had he heard?
Quickly he made his way over towards us, "Darling are you ok?" He looked worried, or perhaps it was guilt.
I could feel Bucky's whole body tense below me, I looked up at Loki and nodded, "Yeah, panic attack but I'm fine. Thank you."
Darling...is...is this because of earlier?
No...I...I don't know. Maybe? It's ok it's done now. These two helped me.
He watched me for a moment and I could see the worry in his eyes. I slowly stood up. Feeling dizzy. His cool hands gently steadied me as I swayed. We stared at each other and I felt tears threatening in my eyes again. As I went to open my mouth to speak, he bowed his head, seemingly dismissing continuing the conversation. Instead he looked at Nat, "Very well, ah Lady Natasha, may I speak to you outside please briefly?" His hands dropped from my arms.
Nat looked surprised but nodded, lifting herself up off the ground with ease and following him outside, closing the door behind her. I shifted about to follow them. I heard Bucky pull himself up off the ground, he appeared in front of me leaning in and placing a kiss on my forehead.
"I got you Doll, don't worry. We will get you through it."
"I hope so," I whispered quietly enough that he wouldn't hear me as I walked away from him. Heading to my drawers, pulling some training clothes out and slipping into the bathroom.
"Doll you don't need to go to training...I was just trying to get your attention earlier, Steve will understand." Bucky sounded from outside the bathroom door.
I opened it and he jumped, "I know, but let's go."
Bucky leant against the door frame and watched me for a moment before sighing and shaking his head, "There's no point putting up a fight with you about this is there?"
"Glad to see your learning Buck!" I smiled before gently tugging on his vibranium hand, "Come on to I kick your ass and forget about what just happened."
As I opened the door, Loki fell silent and stopped talking to Nat, locking eyes with me. I stopped dead in my tracks, feeling Bucky standing close behind me, probably death staring Loki. I broke the eye contact to quickly glance at Nat who looked pissed off, but Loki had made it clear he wanted privacy.
"Sorry to interrupt," I mumbled before walking off towards the elevator, as I pressed the button I turned to find Bucky still standing at my door staring at Loki. "Buck? Let's go! Training!" I called. He looked to me and nodded.
"Of course Doll."
With that he strode towards me, wrapping an arm over my shoulders as we entered the elevator. I didn't dare to look back at Loki before the doors closed.
There was a tense silence in the elevator as it began its decent. Bucky cleared his throat, clearly wanting my attention, "So last time we were in an elevator you said we were making out am I right?" He smirked.
I rolled my eyes at him, "Mind out of the gutter Barnes." I grumbled, exiting the elevator to find Steve in the middle of the training room looking slightly annoyed.
"You're late." He announced.
"Steve." Bucky warned. "Now isn't the time."
"I'm sorry Cap....I....well I had a bit of a panic attack..." I felt embarrassed saying it out loud, "seems I'm not healed just as well as I thought I was."
There was a silence before Steve made his way over to me and hugged me, "Everything can be fixed with a little time, help and patience Y/N. Don't worry. We will get you through this." I smiled up at him.
"Thanks Cap. I'd be lost without you guys...."
His eyes were gentle as he smiled at me, "That's what family are for. We help each other in times of need, and so what if today is a bad day. Healing comes in waves, and maybe today that wave hit the rocks. That's ok though. It's ok. Your still healing." He let go of me and cupped my face with both his hands, "but I want you to know this. You are strong enough to face it. All of it. What happened to you, what's ahead of us, what's going on right now. You can, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Do you hear me?"
I nodded to him, "So we gonna kiss now or what Cap?" I teased, as a giggle escaped my lips.
He laughed, holding me at arms length, "Glad to see you still have your sense of humour after all this Y/N, anyways, don't tell him but I think Buck would kill me if I did that so I will leave that one to him!"
"I heard that Steve!" Bucky grumbled from the side of the room as he wrapped his hand up for sparring.
We both laughed and Steve winked before giving me another squeeze then walking over to the punch bags, "Alright you two let's warm up!"
An hour and a half later I was lying on the floor, trying to regain my breath. Cap had put us through our paces thoroughly, and I hadn't been in training like this in a while so I was feeling the effects of it.
"You need to get back to doing some more cardio young lady." Steve said holding out his hand for me to take. I did so and he hauled me off the ground easily.
"Yeah...I really do." I said as I leant my hands on my knees, "I can't believe how unfit I've become."
"Not to worry Doll, I can think of some extracurricular activities we can do outside of the training room that will help your fitness." Bucky teased clapping my back.
In response I swooped my hand and punched him in the balls. He buckled in two beside me, groaning in pain.
Steve let out a hearty laugh, "You kinda asked for that one Buck."
I straightened myself up, "Keep it up Barnes and I will leave you with blue balls.....of both kinds." With that I made my way to the elevator, "I'm off to get a shower you two. Meet in forty five for lunch?"
"Yes M'am!" Cap saluted me and winked, "You bet your ass I'm there for your cooking!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After my quick shower, I slipped into a pair of jeans, an oversized sweater and pulled my converse on before heading downstairs to get lunch cooked.
As I entered the common room, I noticed Loki on the chair by the window with a book in his hand.
Part of me wanted to give in and talk to him, but there was also a part of me knew I couldn't let him off with his behaviour recently, and if he couldn't see he had been in the wrong, then maybe we were in trouble.
I made my way to the kitchen and began cooking lunch for everyone. I was surprised when I seen Loki approaching from the corner of my eye and beginning to get plates and cutlery before leaving to set the table.
There was a tense silence as we both worked. I was so caught up in my own head, my hand accidentally slipped and I burnt it on one of the pots.
"Fuck!" I exclaimed rushing to the sink and running cold water on it.
"Darling what happened? Are you ok?" Loki appeared beside me gently taking my hand in his and examining it.
"Yeah, fuck. Ow. It's just a burn it will be ok Loki you don't have to worry." I tried to pull my hand free from his but he held it firmly in place. Then a small green glow washed over my hand and the pain dispersed.
"Thank you," I murmured and then I heard the elevator ping, making me run back to the cooker to dish up the food.
"You don't have to run away from me you know. We are....or we were together. Being close won't surprise them." Loki's voice was annoyed, laced with a hint of venom.
I looked over my shoulder at him, my brows knitting together. "I moved because I don't want the food to burn Loki. You know the food I've been cooking as past half hour? That's it. So don't start."
"Don't start?" Loki was beside me now as I finished dishing up the plates.
"Don't start?!" He was looking at me infuriated, "What do you want me to do when you ditched our date last night? And I find out it's Barnes you are out with instead? Then you come home drunk with him last night?! I walk into your room again this morning to find you in Barnes lap?! Hmm? After finding you coming back to your room in his shirt this morning! Did you spend the night with him?"
Everyone had fallen silent, waiting on my response.
I closed my eyes and bit the inside of my cheek, trying to stop my inner bitch from tearing him a new one, but alas. I lost.
My eyes flew open and I lifted the knife off the counter and pointed it at him, "Maybe if you weren't being a total fucking arsehole we wouldn't be in this fucking mess to begin with! YES I DIED! But you seem to forget I died to save you! To SAVE you Loki! Not because I had to or anyone was forcing me to but because I LOVE YOU! So I chose to save you! Yes! You used the potion to bring me back and you watched me die but I fucking found you mauled by some kind of animal!" I threw my hands up in the air, "Sorry, it was actually some kind of dark witch in the form of an animal! Like that is an everyday occurrence! Don't forget it tried to attack me too! So in response for saving your life what do you do? Push me away? Make me feel like shit? That seems like something you do to your soulmate doesn't it? Was it fair? NO! It took Bucky to fucking get it into your thick skull that you needed to make it up to me! Then when he does help you plan a date for me, what do you do with that? Fuck it up!" At this point I had taken a few steps towards him and the tip of the knife was positioned at his Adam's apple.
Steve, Thor and Bucky had taken a few steps towards us ready to diffuse anything if it went any further.
Tony put his hand on Steve's chest, "Let them have at it, they need it to clear the air."
Loki went to speak, but I cut him off. "I'm not done! At the restaurant, you nearly tore the mans head off for god forbid glancing at my cleavage. They are boobs Loki! If I didn't want people to notice them I would have covered them up, for fuck sakes you seem to forget everyone in this room has seen them! Am I worried? No! Then you act like a entitled prick and begin to flirt with the fucking waitress! Is that enough or do I need to go back any further than the past few weeks?" I was shaking with anger at this point, flames threatening on my fingertips to flare. "Bucky is the one stable thing in my fucking life. He is my best friend. He's there for me when I need him. Who was there for me when you fucked off without a word when we first found out about these marks? Bucky. Who wiped my tears and helped me through it all. Bucky. I was in his shirt this morning because Steve came into the room and we all know he freaks out if you have a little skin showing I had my pyjamas on below it. I was in his lap earlier because I took a fucking panic attack. Nat and him helped me out of it. But you already know this...The stress and the worry of everything that's going on is just becoming a load I cannot carry on my own, but I chose to keep quiet so as to not burden anyone as it's pretty feeble compared to the fact that Asgard is in danger. So it's been eating me from the inside out....I can't....I can't keep this up Loki. Your so hot and cold. One minute it's burning passion the next I'm being burnt from the cold of you locking me out...it's just not fair..." I trailed off, dropping the knife from my hand. The rattle of it breaking the silence that had fallen over the room. Shakily I ran my hand through my hair, giving Loki one final look before walking away. "I need some air, if you will excuse me. Enjoy your lunch guys."
Loki began to follow after me but Thor stopped his brother, "Give Little One some time Loki. You have done enough for now."
I hit the button for the garage, I needed to go for a drive. As I went to start the engine of the car, the passenger door opened and Bucky slipped in. He smiled at me warmly, before putting his belt on and looking straight ahead. I opened my mouth to tell him to get out, but instead I stopped, sighing I turned the key in the ignition and we left the compound.
How did he do it?