Part III - Mood Swings
We halted in front of the elevator, "I'll be right back."
Lana gave me a quick nod, before heading to the far end of the room, where our friends were sat.
I swiftly hurry over to the elevator after telling my friends I was leaving and see no sign of Lana where I had left her. My heart raced and panic sprang in my chest.
I couldn't help but be concerned about her. Even though the effects of cocaine are short-lived.
"I'm right here," she said behind me as I searched for her.
I heave a breath of relief and turn around to face her. "Alright, come on."
"Your place or mine?" Lana inquires as I call for the elevator.
"Yours."
11:52 p.m.
Lana caressed my thigh the entire way to her flat after getting into the cab. I still get a jolt of electricity every time she lays her hands on me, but it hurts knowing she was merely horny because of the coke.
She was having trouble unlocking her apartment door as soon as we arrived.
"Let me," I respond, moving her hands away from the door and unlocking it.
Lana shut the door behind us and yanked her top off and tossed it on the far end of her couch as soon as we walked in.
she wastes no time
"Are you gonna keep standing there?" Lana inquires as she approaches the kitchen.
I put my purse on the table by the door and walk over to where she was standing in the kitchen. I noticed her grab a flask from her purse and roll the lid off gently.
"That's enough," I reply, snatching the flask from her fingers just as she takes a sip.
She licks her lips as she turns to face me, her lace bra barely concealing her breasts and her lean abs on full display.
She took a few steps closer to me before reaching up and fiddling with the straps on my back.
"Are you still going to resist me?" Her scent filled my nostrils as she whispered in my ear. "I know you want me just as much as I want you."
Before she lingered above my lips with her mouth slightly parted, I felt her lips brush against my jawline. The sound of Lana's stilettos echoed throughout the room as she suddenly turned around and headed towards her bed.
I followed her to her bed, where she was sprawled on top of it, her arm resting on her head and her legs dangling off the bed. My gaze was drawn to her bedside table. Small coke baggies, a small gold plated coke spoon, and a flask, were placed on top of it.
"Do you have any gatorade?" Before entering the kitchen, I inquire.
"Lana?" After she doesn't answer, I call a little louder.
silence.
I walk back over to the bedroom and see her in the same position as before, unmoving, so I dashed over to the bed.
"Lana!" I exclaim as I shake her body, my pulse racing and my mind rushing to the worst-case scenario.
After a couple of shakes off Lana's shoulders, she hums, "Hm."
"Jesus Christ," I sigh. "Never do that again," I say as I force her to sit up.
"Do what?" As she fought to keep her eyes open, she asks in a perplexing manner. "Sleep?"
I may have overreacted, but with both coke and booze in her system, who knows what may happen if she slept before sobering up?
I ignored her question, "Do you have gatorade?"
"No," she says as she undoes the buttons on her jeans and pulls them down her legs. She adds, reaching for the flask on the bedside table, "Water will do."
"That's not water," I remark, snatching another flask from her grip, making her chuckle.
I like how she finds this amusing.
"Keep your eyes open," I warn as I get out of bed and return to the kitchen. "I mean it."
After a few minutes, I walk over to the bed with a cup of green tea, hoping that it will help her sober up. "Drink," I say as I hand her the cup.
She takes a few sips before turning to place it on the bedside table, "All of it," I say softly causing her to sigh.
12:41 a.m.
As Lana finished her tea, I was laying on my side, scrolling through my phone with her eyes fixated on me. I got up and put her empty cup in the dishwasher after she left it on the bedside table.
"Sober yet?" As she sank into a laying position on the bed, I inquired.
She sighs, "Unfortunately," as she closes her eyes. "Thanks," she adds, after a few moments.
"You're welcome," I say softly. "So, uh, I'm going to get going," I say as fold her jeans and put it inside her closet.
"Could you stay a bit longer?" Lana inquired softly as I approached the door.
I pause for a few moments, thinking about my early virtual meeting the next day, before responding, "Sure," as I return to the bed and softly lay down next to her, leaving space between us.
Lana remained on her back, eyes closed, while I lay on my side, glancing at her side profile.
After a few minutes of solitude, she says gently, "Life is not the same when you're miles away."
"You knew it would be hard, Alina," She continues. "You made sure I would need you in every fucking way."
My throat was constricted, and my eyes were stinging from the unshed tears. I closed my eyes and lied down on my back, attempting to keep my tears at bay.
After a few seconds, I open my eyes and shift my head to the right. I suddenly remembered the deep connection that existed between myself and this person who was dimly gazing at me through tears that filled her swollen eyes.
Her eyes were welling up with tears, and her breathing was shallow and labored. She bit her lower lip, attempting to hold back tears, but they continued to stream down her cheeks as we exchanged glances.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper for the thousandth time as tears rolled down my eyes blurring my vision. "I never meant to hurt yo-"
"It doesn't matter anymore," Lana says, averting her sight from me. "I-I'm over it."
"Do you regret it?" I ask softly, my voice trembling with tears as I anticipate her response.
"Regret what?"
"I don't know," I said, my voice heavy with tears. "Everything."
Lana shifted her gaze back to the ceiling as more tears streamed down her cheeks.
"Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean you weren't the best thing that ever happened to me," she says quietly. "Because you were," she continues as I looked into her glistening eyes.
I reach out to wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. However, she closes her eyes and turns her head away from my touch.
I felt marginally better knowing she doesn't despises me after we sat in silence for a few minutes, taking in each other's presence.
"You've lost a lot of weight," I say softly. "Tell me I have nothing to worry about."
Lana takes a deep breath, "I'm fine. I can take care of myself."
"I know you can," I say softly. "Doesn't mean I'll ever stop worrying about you."
"You have nothing to worry about, Alina," Lana says hesitantly.
"Promise?"
Lana shifts her head towards me, "I promise."
Lana wasn't addicted to coke, she was addicted to having something to rely on.
"Okay," I say quietly as I gently get up.
"It's late," Lana says as she rises up, and I realize she's still half-naked.
"I can take care of myself," I mimic her earlier sentence, which causes her to look down while a slight smile appears on her lips.
my weakness
I smile to myself because of her contagious smile, "I'll be fine," I say.
"Uh, keep in touch, okay?"As I rise from the bed, she says nervously. "I don't want to lose you... Cause I know you love me," she says as I had my back to her, surprising me.
she never said it back
At her words, I felt a wave of warmth sweep over me, and a single tear fell down my cheek as I breathed a sigh of relief. I brushed it away quickly and turned to stroll over to her side of the bed.
"I will," I murmur quietly before hesitantly bending down and kissing the top of her head. "If you ever need anything... Call me," I say causing her to nod.
I felt her fingers clasp mine as I turned around to walk toward the front door. She jumped out of bed and flung her arms around my neck before I could fully turn around.
As her arms wrapped around me, her tears flowed more freely. In that moment of feeling her so close I am awake somehow, more alive than I have been in so very long.
As if holding me wasn't quite enough, she had to feel every ounce that I am press into every ounce of her. She held me until I cried myself free of tears, and my body relaxed in her arms.
I drew her closer by wrapping my arms around her waist. I gripped her firmly, not wanting to let go, feeling droplets of her tears land on my exposed back. She finally let go of my neck after loosening her hold.
As we gaze at each other through tears, I leaned in and planted a delicate chaste kiss on her cheek.
"Get home safe," she whispered as she sniffed and raised her hand up to my damp cheeks, rubbing away my tears.
"Thank you," I whisper as I take a few steps back. "See you around."
Before I turned back and walked out of the apartment, she offered me a small smile. With a smile, I lean against the door and close my eyes. Feeling as though all the weight was lifted off my shoulder, the knots in my chest finally untangling.
The universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart. Even if I didn't know what this means for us, all I know is that I will never give up on her.
It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.
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