After a wonderful morning with the presence of family and friends, it was time to visit the ones who were not physically present with us. It was a common thing to do during Eid. To visit the dead and pray for them.
Most of the family members had already been to the graveyard early in the morning. Me and Walid though had been busy with all the people coming to wish and bless us at the Aydın mansion.
We finally got the time and now we were on our way. I was surprised at myself how calm and peaceful I was feeling on my way to visit my sister. For the past years, big days like this always made the wound feel so freshly cut and all the memories haunted me.
However, it was completely different this time. Usually I would cry myself to sleep the night before Eid thinking about our beautiful memories we had and how we used to celebrate together.
Maybe this was how it was to move on. Maybe I never moved on before. I was stuck in that one dark place. So maybe Walid had made that one part of me heal just by his sole presence...
I glanced at him and felt a soothing feeling run through my body. His eyes were focused on the road and he was very calm and composed.
The car came to a stop and we got down. Walid rounded the car and approached me while I put the scarf on my head loosely to cover my hair.
I caught him staring at me with a smile. I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering why he looked so amazed but I shrugged it off.
"Should we go to you sister first?" He asked and I nodded and showed him the way.
As we came closer, I noticed the white tulips.
I sighed when we reached and a faint smile took over my face. I could tell my parents had been here already because her tombstone was shining and there were fresh flowers apart from the tulips. Kneeling down, I spread the tulips over the grave.
"You know, every single year on Eid, there's white tulips put on her grave. I still don't know who the person behind the flowers is..."
"Do you want me to find out?" I heard Walid say, making me look up at him and flash him a smile.
"No, it's probably just one of her friends." I stated, my smile slowly dropping when I saw Walid's gaze on her tombstone. "What's wrong?" I asked, standing up.
Walid was speechless for a moment before he spoke up. "The date....it's..." He trailed off, his brows furrowing in confusion again.
"It's what?" I eagerly asked.
"Nothing...I just noticed that her birthday was like a month ago." His words didn't convince me because it felt like he was still worried with confusion but I let it slide.
"Yeah, it was the day you had locked me in your room and didn't let me visit her." I reminded him boldly.
"What?" It took him a moment to realize. "If you had told me you wanted to come here I would take you." He defended.
"I know. I should've just told you instead of assuming you knew." My voice softened subconsciously when I saw the guilt in his eyes.
"Why would you assume that I know when her birthday is?" He questioned.
"Well....it was at that time I thought you knew her..." I felt embarrassed thinking about the childish thoughts and accusations I had made back then. Just over finding her picture in his room.... "Let's make some prayers so we can go to your mother." I changed the subject.
Some moments later, it was time to visit his mother. We made our way and it wasn't that far away. It was just a two minute walk and if there hadn't been some trees and bushes, I would've been able to see his mother's grave from my sister's side.
We prayed for his mother and then just stood in silence, watching her grave. I had never met the woman, but I had heard she was a wonderful person. Every person has a good side and bad side. I knew that Walid had gotten his good side from his mother...
"Do you also get that feeling, every time you think about it...it feels unreal. Like it was all just a bad dream and you want to wake up so badly.." Walid expressed.
"All the time. Sometimes I feel like the person never existed...all the memories were just a dream. Other times the memories and the process from after losing them feels so unreal..." I shared.
"Yeah..." I felt him looking down at me, making me catch his gaze. I gave him a half smile, my heart breaking at seeing him like this. He rarely showed his emotions and almost never talked about the agony he was feeling deep down. "We should get going." He added.
I nodded and took his hand he held out for me. Before following him, my steps halted, making both of us stop. My eyes landed on the date his mother passed away.
My body almost froze but I quickly turned back around and followed Walid without saying anything. "Can you drop me at my parents house? I promised Sammy to help him with something. I'll be back for dinner." I asked Walid when we got in the car.
"Yes." He agreed, making me almost sigh in relief.
I tried to act normal during the car ride, because I knew Walid had noticed the date too. I didn't want to worry him before finding out myself what was going on. He was already going through so much stress.
The car came to a stop and I turned to Walid. "Text me when you're ready I'll come pick you up." He said.
"Thank you." It suddenly felt like I didn't want to get down from the car, I didn't want to face anymore problems. With a heavy heart, I got down and closed the door after me. I waved goodbye to Walid and he waited until I was inside the house before driving off.
I looked around the house but no one seemed to be home. They were probably at the neighbors...
I rushed to the store room and started looking through the papers. I finally found what I was looking for and called Ariana.
"Can I trust you?" I asked before she could say anything.
"Of course, what's wrong?"
"I just want to ask you a question but I want it to stay strictly between us." I continued, making my way up to my room.
"Yeah go ahead." She agreed.
"I'm so sorry but....do you remember the exact time Walid's mother passed away?" I felt terrible for asking this way but I had to.
"Umm...I remember it was time for her to cut the cake. It was her birthday, around 8 pm." Her words made me freeze. "Is something wrong?"
Ariana's question made me come back to reality. "No, I'll talk to you later." I cut the call and sat down on my bed.
I looked down at my sisters's death certificate again.
Time of death: 9.30 pm.
My sister passed away less than two hours after Walid's mother....on the same day.
What could this mean? What happened that day? Did my sister really commit suicide or...
~
Hours had passed and I doubted I had any more possibilities to think of. The only thing I had done for the past few hours was overthinking. At the point where it felt like my head was about to explode.
I didn't go back home and informed Walid I would be staying at my parents tonight. I didn't know why but I just didn't want to go back there before having my mind cleared.
This was not how I had intended to spend my Eid...
Sighing, I tried to call Walid again but he wasn't picking up. I didn't know if he was just busy or mad that I had left him alone.
I called Isak instead and asked where Walid was. "He's helping Natasha." Isak's words made my heart beating faster.
"What? Helping her with what?" I almost yelled, standing up.
"I don't know, she came a while ago and asked for him." Isak said. "I'm busy at the moment, can I call you back?"
"No! Come here right now and pick me up." I started moving around getting ready to go back.
"But-"
"I said now!" I let out.
"Fine, both of you are so annoying. Match made in heaven." He grunted and cut the call.
It didn't take long before Isak was here and I said bye to my parents before getting in his car. "Drive fast." I said, fiddling with my fingers.
"And hello to you too. Yes I'm fine thank you for asking, how are you?" Isak mocked, making me glare at him.
"Now is not the time Isak." I warned.
"Oh yeah, I forgot. This evening is all about jealousy." He grinned.
"Jealousy? Who said I'm jealous?" I defended.
"I never said you're jealous...but if you say so." He was purposely getting under my skin.
"Whatever, I don't talk to people with shallow minds so please be quiet." I requested, my words made him burst out laughing.
"By the way, Natasha looked quite cute today. Wonder what she needed help with..." He mused, making me clench my fingers. I wanted to slap him hard across the face but that would just delay our arrival time. I had to get home quickly.
Isak laughed once again upon seeing my red face but I did my best and ignored him. We arrived home and I quickly got down from the car before rushing inside. I went to Natasha's room but couldn't find them there.
I started looking everywhere and soon found out from the helper that he was in his office. It didn't take long before I was standing in front of his office and without thinking I pushed open the doors and stepped in.
The scene in front of me didn't seem as bad as I had imagined. Walid was seated in his chair, leaned back comfortably while talking on the phone. Natasha's back was facing me but she had pulled a chair in front of the desk and was seated on it.
Upon entering the room, Walid's eyes moved to me. He didn't give any reaction and continued talking on the phone.
"Oh, hi." Natasha suddenly said, making my attention drift to her. "Do you need anything?"
"No, I just..." I was lost for words when I stopped in front of the desk. I could feel Walid's eyes on me but I didn't dare to look at him. "I wanted to ask if you guys wanted anything to drink."
"Really? You came all the way from your parents house to ask this?" Natasha spoke with a smug look, as if she enjoyed seeing me so tense upon seeing her spend time with Walid.
I trusted Walid but not her. She had said it openly to my face how much she hated me for taking Walid from her. Of course I would be worried.
"To answer your question, I don't want anything. Walid, do you?" Natasha continued, she was enjoying this too much.
Walid cut the call and looked up at me. "No I'm good." He gave me a look, making my blood boil.
"What are you guys doing anyways?" I asked, looking at the papers scattered in front of them.
"Natasha wants to open her own business when she goes back home. I'm helping her with some details." Walid informed. I didn't think it was possible for me to hate hearing him say her name.
"Oh...that's amazing. You must be so excited to hurry home and open your business." I said, my words making Walid scratch his beard as he tried to hide his smile.
"Not at all. I'm not leaving before Walid has taught me every small detail about business." She chirped, making my shoulders slump.
"I'm sure he'll teach you all of it." I forced a smile. "Although, I've had my own business as well...if you ever need any help just ask me." At this point I didn't know what I was talking about, things were just coming out from my mouth.
"What kind of business did you have?" Natasha asked.
"Umm...I...the terms are really hard only business men and women understand it so I can't explain it but it was a very successful business." I proudly stated.
"I'm sure it was." Walid nodded, amusement all over his face.
"I'd rather Walid help me. But thanks anyways." Natasha faked a smile and went back to the papers in front of her.
"Well, I'll leave you two to it then." I forced myself to say.
I turned around and stepped out from the office. I went back to our room and sat down on the bed. I was fuming with anger and I didn't even know why. How could I be that jealous? How was it possible?
My eyes landed on a cushion and I picked it up. Imagining Walid's face, I almost teared the cushion in half before kicking it away with my foot.
He knew about Natasha's feelings for him but he still agreed to help her. Could he not just ask Zaid or someone else to help her....
To calm down, I decided to shower. I was still wearing all the makeup and my dress which was starting to get uncomfortable.
Once I had showered and was ready for bed, Walid still hadn't returned. I couldn't stop myself from putting on my robe and making my way towards his office again.
This time the doors were open so I soundlessly stepped in. However, there was no sign of Natasha this time.
I sighed in relief and turned around to go back until Walid called out for me. "Where are you going?" He asked, looking up from the papers. How did he always notice? I was literally tip toeing.
"I'm going to sleep." I stated, crossing my arms as I watched him.
He nodded before speaking up. "Can you close the door and come inside, I need to show you something."
"You can show me from here, I can see." I said, still standing by the entrance of the big office.
"Don't make me come and get you." He warned. I stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out if he really wanted to show me something or if he was trying to be mischievous again. He seemed serious, but he always did when he was expressionless. I hated when I couldn't read him.
Giving in, I closed the door behind me and stepped closer.
"What?" I let out, stopping in front of his desk. I didn't even try to hide my irritation as I glared at him.
"You're giving me attitude?" The way he spoke calmly made me even more irritated.
"No, what do you want?" I asked again.
"Come here." He motioned to his side but I shook my head.
"Why don't you come here." I gestured, not having the slightest idea he would actually stand up and round the table to reach me.
I didn't know why but I panicked and rushed to the other side of the table, making his steps halt. "What's your problem?" He let out, walking towards my side again, making me automatically walk to the other side to escape him. "I can play this game all night." He informed, making his way to my side again.
"Me too." I shrugged, rounding the table.
He stopped and I could see the calmness disappear and irritation rise in him, making me almost smile with victory.
"I swear if you move this time-"
"What are you gonna do?" I challenged, walking away from him to the other side.
"You don't wanna know what I'm gonna do." He warned, quickening his pace as he made his way to my side again.
"Catch me if you can." I rushed to the other side.
And so we went on for I don't know how long, rounding the desk as he tried to catch me. It was getting harder getting away from him because he was literally throwing everything down from his desk in irritation, making me stumble on things.
It was like I jinxed myself and it didn't take long before I stepped on a piece of paper and halted backwards. I fell backwards and cursed. I looked up at Walid who stopped in front of me, the amused look back on his face.
"I think I broke my back." I tried to save myself from his wrath.
"Pray you did, or I'll find other ways to break it for you." He looked down at me.
I huffed, standing up. "So, what do you want?" I crossed my arms.
"You can start by telling me why you're in a mood." He followed my move and crossed his arms.
"I'm not in a mood I'm perfectly fine." I stated.
"Are you sure? Can I kiss you then?" He asked, leaning down.
"Don't even try." I warned, making him straighten.
"See, you're in a mood." He mused.
"I don't have time to discuss with you, I'm going." I informed turning around.
"Wait." Walid gripped my elbow and pulled me back. My hands rested on his chest while his arm wrapped around my waist. Still holding me, he leaned against the table, making me stand between him. "Don't push me away from you. I need you by my side."
His confession made my heartbeat increase. I felt all the anger drop and it pained me to see the look on his face. It was like he was afraid of losing everything around him.
I knew he had been under a lot of stress lately. I couldn't even imagine how much burden he had on his shoulders. My only wish at the moment was powers to free him from those burdens.
"Walid, I'm here. I'll always be here." I reminded him, my hand tracing his chest. We looked at each other for a moment before he pulled me in for a hug.
I stayed in his embrace while he buried his face in my neck. We stayed like that for a long time, just rocking slightly to the side back and forth.
"Did you eat?" I pulled back to look at him.
"No." He shook his head, making me almost breathless with how tightly he was holding me.
"Let's go to the dining room I can prepare something for you." I suggested.
"Yeah, just five more minutes." He managed to say. I felt his lips behind my ear and I quickly pushed him, making him straighten and look at me.
"Behave. Let's go you need to eat." I ordered, holding his hand and making him follow me.
It wouldn't end well if he started with all the touching and kissing. He would just leave me like a hot mess...like always.
Once we reached the dining room, time passed by quickly. Walid was eating and we were talking about everything and nothing and sometimes the dinning room would fill with our laughter.
That was until one of the guards knocked on the open door and stepped inside.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb but it's an emergency. Rashid asked for you at the bazar." The guard spoke with his gaze on the floor.
"I'll be there." Walid didn't even hesitate and the guard nodded and left. Just then, his phone rang and he picked up. I noticed it was Rashid on the other end and waited until he had cut the call.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing, just some business." He paused, stepping closer to me. His hand raised and cupped my face, his intense gaze fixed on me. "I'll have to leave town, I'll be back tomorrow." He quickly added when he saw my expression.
"You didn't even finish your food. And you just came back." I felt my heart drop at the thought of him leaving again. He was gone for a whole month, and now he wants to leave again?
"It's just tomorrow-"
"You know what, I don't care." I pushed his hand away and stepped back. "This is my worth right? For you to just throw me in the corner of your house and leave whenever you feel like it."
"You know about the situation-"
"I don't care about the situation. What important work could there be for you to leave at this hour?" I tried to keep calm but it felt impossible.
He had promised he would leave work behind during these days of Eid but he hadn't even been back for a whole day and he was already ready to disappear again.
I felt the deceiving tears in my eyes and I didn't want him to see me bawl my eyes out so I turned around and left without listening to him. I stepped inside our room and went straight to bed after turning the lights off.
As I put my head down on the pillow, I realized how many emotions he could make me feel in a heartbeat. I hated how emotional he could make me. How lonely his absent could make me.
Was it my fault that I fell for him?
~
The next morning I was seated in the terrace, looking out at the mesmerizing view in front of me. I tried to see everything on the bright side but I couldn't help but feel suffocated.
The information I got about Walid's mother's time of death and my sister's was getting to me. I had to find out if there was a connection but I didn't know where to start.
I felt so lost, and Walid leaving in the middle of the night didn't help either. He probably thought I was selfish but all I did was care for him. Every time he was away I couldn't calm down. His safety always lingered in my mind. Not to forget an incident actually occurred when he was away.
He was injured and he was supposed to rest. But no, he wanted to go out there in the battlefield.
As if sensing my thoughts, I heard footsteps entering the terrace. I didn't even have to look to know it was Walid.
I felt his hand palm my face and he left a kiss on my head before circling to face me. I didn't move and just gazed out at the landscape.
"You came home early, came straight from the hospital?" I let out sarcastically.
"Your wish didn't come true this time, I didn't even get a scratch." He retorted, his words made me finally look up at him. Or more like glare at him for uttering such stupid words.
There was something about his eyes that made me feel so weak. Whenever we held eye contact, it felt like my heart would burst because of nervousness. Which was why I quickly darted my eyes from him.
"Did you eat?" He asked suddenly, taking a seat in front of me. I heard someone step inside and saw the helper bring breakfast to the table.
"No." I replied shortly, my gaze focused on the birds flying freely in front of us.
"Let's eat then." Walid spoke. He started eating, his eyes focused on me. I looked at the food in front of me and debated for a moment before joining him. I tried to avoid looking at him and we ate in silence until he broke it. "People from the bazaar has asked about you, you've made quite an impression."
His words made me think of the past month, how I went to the bazaar almost everyday and tried to help the people in need. I reminded myself to make a visit tomorrow since I hadn't been there the past couple days.
"I'm genuinely happy they appreciate me." I replied, finishing with my breakfast.
He was silent for a moment before speaking up. "I do appreciate you. I respect you for everything you've done. No one else would do it. But you did it, because you have a beautiful soul who truly wishes the best for everyone. You wouldn't guess how many times you've amazed me with your actions, your behavior towards others, your character and the way you take care of people around you. I can try explaining it to you but there aren't enough words to describe your charisma."
I felt shy suddenly, hearing him speak so proudly about me and praise me. I was even surprised. Had he hit his head while being away?
"So, you've finally come to your senses and realized you have the most perfect wife in the world?" I asked innocently, making him raise an eyebrow at me.
"Yes, a perfect wife who's full of herself." He leaned back in his seat.
"Me? You're the most self-centered person on this planet. You're a brat." I reminded him.
"Really? How?" He asked, eagerly waiting for my answer.
"Well, let me start with how you always do everything in your power to make things go your way. Why? Because you don't think anyone else's opinion matters. Not to forget, how you do everything to prove a point and how you don't care about how your actions can affect other people. And yeah, the way you think everyone else but yourself has a brain to think with." I started, my words making him smile.
"I'm produced to be this way, I have to be the one to think and make decisions. That's how it has been and how it will be." He shrugged.
"Did China produce you? I didn't know I was married to a robot. Do you have settings? Can I program you into a bubbly, sweet and affectionate husband?" I asked sarcastically.
"Yeah, I guess you can. You're the only one who's allowed the remote."
I rolled my eyes but couldn't stop the smile from forming on my lips. "Sometimes I just want to slap you." I announced.
"Come, do it." He said calmly, watching me with those eyes that made me feel all kind of ways.
"Stop looking at me like that." I let out.
"Like what?" His face still held that intense expression of amusement and adoration. "Can you not handle it."
His words made me huff. "I'm just saying so you don't jinx me."
"Self-centered who?" He raised his eyebrows.
"Whatever." I flipped my hair and looked away from him, trying to stop the heat taking over my face.
My phone rang suddenly and I picked it up to hear Sammy on the other line. He talked about how he had a football game next week and I had to be there. I promised him I would come and suddenly I heard my parents talking and Sammy going quiet.
Walid's phone started ringing as well and he picked it up and went to the bedroom to talk. I waited on the other line for Sammy to start rambling again but all I could hear was my parents asking him to go to his room.
Had he put the phone on the table and forgotten he had me on the other line? Typical Sammy.
I was about to cut the call until I heard my name. My parents were talking about me and they were coming closer to the phone because I could hear them clearly.
I was about to cut the call when my father's words distracted me from doing so.
"I'm the reason behind everything. I couldn't protect my own children. I buried one of them with my own hands, while the other one... I didn't even have a body to bury. Now Jasmin, I ended her life before it even started. Trying to save her from one hell, I put her in the middle of the war zone. I think and worry about her every second of the day, to the point where I can't even breath properly. My sins have put a chain around my neck and it keeps choking me. My mistakes, my stupidity and everything is starting to make me lose my mind."
I was stunned for a moment before all the questions appeared in front of me. What other body did he not have to bury? What was he talking about? Did he ask Walid for help? To protect me? Was the marriage my own father's idea?
The questions circled in my mind and I didn't know how I would ever find out. At this point, it felt like everything around me was just a lie. How many more secrets are the people around me keeping from me?
I didn't know what took over me but I cut the call and called my father's number.
"Did you ask Walid to marry me?" I bluntly asked when he picked up. "I heard your conversation."
There was a long silence before my father spoke up. "Yes."
His answer hurt me a lot, but it was like I was immune to it. Immune to the betrayal after betrayal.
"So that day, you just pretended like all of it wasn't your idea? You saw me cry, begging Walid...and you stayed quiet. You didn't even once think you should've told me about the whole situation so that I could at least understand why it was happening?" I asked, my heart breaking even more upon thinking about the day of our marriage.
"Jasmin-"
"You know what, I don't even want to hear it." I cut the call and stood up. I felt my chest tighten and I tried to take a deep breath.
I turned around and saw Walid standing by the entrance. He tried to say something but I stopped him.
"Don't." I warned him. I didn't want to hear anything at the moment. I needed to calm down and clear my mind before I could talk about it.
I walked past him and left the room. I felt my breathing getting heavier and I went straight to Ariana's room and knocked on the door. She was quick to open and I just stared at her for a long moment before I finally burst out crying.