Chapter Five: Living With Ghosts
Hours had passed with Hotch asking you the same questions in different fonts over and over again until you physically exploded and told him you needed a break.
Night rolled around more quickly then you had intended and you felt like you wasted the day away. Nurses waltzed in and out of the room with the identical smile and kind words about how you would be leaving soon. Each time they asked about home, you didn't know what to answer.
Being back in the place was a sickening thought that you wanted to erase from your mind. You were a bit crestfallen knowing you wouldn't return to the place that all of your things reside. Even with the horrid memories, it's still what you think of when home comes into mind whether you like it or not. It didn't matter what happened, the feel of a soft bed and new sheets would always be welcoming to you, it stays constant even if you were hurt or crying or even happy.
Your labored breathes filled the room as you tired to conceal the pain in small, shallow breathes. You weren't thinking rationally to what you were really doing to your body, only that you need more air. The soft beeping didn't stop and allowed you to drift off to sleep knowing that Hotch would be here bright and early.
• • •
It wasn't a surprise when you woke up and found the team chatting in whispers about Axel. Your mind was fuzzy from sleep and you couldn't fully make out what they were saying. Pain was nonexistent currently, assuming nurses gave you some sort of medication a few hours ago.
Your eyes fully opened to reveal a dark room thankfully. JJ was the first to notice you shift in bed, a hush falling over the room.
"What are you all doing here?" you coxed out, voice still dry from sleep.
JJ walked over slowly with a motherly smile. She just gave back from maternity leave after having Michael and you never missed the shift in demeanor when it came to talking with someone who was hurt. She sat down on the edge of your bed carefully not to hurt you. She grabbed your hands, engulfing them in her soft ones.
"We are getting the paperwork for your discharge. What you told Hotch- it help us in so many ways." JJ explained.
When Hotch was bombarding you with questions, you told him about the lake and beach properties Axel and you owned, frequented clubs and friends houses. There wasn't much more you could tell him sadly because Axel mostly kept his free time private from you unless he chose to tell you.
An outside eye would be weirded out by why you couldn't even indulge in your boyfriends interest with him. You would simply say that's just how Axel always was, closed off when he wanted.
"Discharge?" you asked, trying to conceal the waver in your voice from fear. The hospital was keeping you safe from Axel who could show up any minute now ready for revenge. He always said no one would believe you if you said something, now you know everything is a lie.
Seeing as the team gathered around to help you showed just how much people really do care. You felt shameful for thinking they weren't good enough friends because Axel said so. It was always what Axel said, what he wanted.
"Yes, we will put you in a safe house, one of us with always be with you," she says, squeezing your hands in reassurance.
You shook your head in protest, "I don't want a safe house JJ. I want to go back to work and my life to be what is was before."
You looked at her with pleading eyes, ignoring the protective gaze Hotch had on you. She of all people would understand that you can't just change so quickly. When she went to the pentagon, she didn't come back the same person. Ripping herself away from what she knew did horrible things to the way felt with things. You never liked change anyways, the team knew this to an extent.
"We don't have many options Y/N. We have a duty to keep you safe-" she pauses to push a fallen hair behind your ear, "-returning to work would be hard in your state."
"I know that, and you mean well but Jayge sitting in a house that is unfamiliar to me and not even working would do worse then going back to my house."
Emily steps forward with confidence, "Strauss contacted Lakeland, there was no transfer Y/N."
Your heart sank to your stomach as you looked around at everyone. They watched you carefully with straight faces. They know you lied about the request and are already putting the pieces together. You remember talking to Hotch and finding out a transfer takes three weeks to process so it didn't matter, right?
"He told me I hate to," you whisper, looking down at your hands to pick at your nail beds. "He said that he provided everything and if I loved him then I would give up everything I worked for to make him happy."
"What else did he say Y/N?" Reid finally spoke up while the others observed you.
You shrugged with a sigh, already over the mood you have created. You didn't want anyone to be sad, you didn't want to stay at a safe house, you wanted to work. It was easily portrayed in the way your hands shook. Too much change too fast and you couldn't stop it. An endless loop of constant frustration that seemed impossible to get rid of.
"I can't think of everything right now- can- can we just take a break for a second, from this," you motioned around the room of agents, some holding a paper and pencil.
Emily whisper a quiet, sure, and each person filed out of the room one by one, other than Hotch who stayed put, not wavering his dominant stance. Your eyes followed them out until they shut the door leaving you and the unit chief to sit in silence.
It was so quiet that you could hear a pen drop and you shift from the uncomfortable energy surrounding the room. It wasn't that you didn't feel safe, you just wanted him to say something so you weren't so closed off already. He walked across the room, taking the same seat as he did while asking you questions: next to your bed.
"You don't have to go to the safe house." he said finally. Relief rushed through your lungs and a small chuckle escaped your lips.
"Thank you" you breathed. "I don't think I would be able to handle it without going crazy."
The question of where you would stay lingered in the air like a bubble in tension swinging over your head. Axel didn't care enough to find you, that's what you began to realize. He would find another woman and do the same thing until she broke under the pressure and move on to the next. You didn't know how many there were before you, you weren't sure you even wanted to know. There was nothing abnormally special about you to draw Axel back unless you knew something he didn't.
"Hotch?" you asked.
"Hm?" he mumbled, looking down at the case file.
"Where am I going to stay?" you asked quietly, afraid to break the slight normalcy in the room, desperately trying to conserve it.
His body straightened upwards, his file dropping from his hands onto his lap with a thud. He sighs, bringing a hands to his forehead to message his temple. You shrink of embarrassment, sorry about making him angry or upset. You whispered a quick apology and continued to look down at your hands.
"No- Y/N it's okay. You can stay with me while Jack is away with Haley for the month. Garcia will get the many for you since Axel has to legal obligation to keep it."
Hotch didn't know how you get so much money let alone millions so quickly. Working as a lawyer at the BAU wouldn't get you near the amount but he chose not to ask. He assumed Axel put money in your name and that was that. Whenever you talked about the house you always said, 'my house' not 'our house'. You tried to disassociate yourself from Axel, more often when speaking of money.
"I don't want to intrude, I want my house with extra security." You pleaded. Technically the house was in your name, the risk was already low and staying with Hotch would be an intrusion of privacy considering he was once your boss. Technically, he still is.
"It's safer at my house, you wouldn't be alone and I can't send agents that you don't know." He said sternly.
"It would be inappropriate, I'm technically still your employee under the Bureaus laws. My priority is making sure I can still get back to work without any bumps in the road, including staying with my boss."
You pushed yourself to sit up straight, thankful for the medication numbing your torso mostly despite some small pressure.
"And my priority as your boss is to keep your safe. My house has extra levels of security, I know my way around a gun and wouldn't mind teaching you."
Hotch was never this persistent, let alone willing to teach someone without authorization to shoot a gun. It was a fatherly instinct he has to keep someone safe. Having you near him made him feel like he is doing his job correctly, not just waking around for something to happen to you. He would help you keep busy with files or cases that come through needing legal assistance, plus there is an extra bedroom across the hall.
You opened your mouth to reply but quickly closed it as there wasn't much more to protest. "What about my things?" you questioned.
"Already packed," he answered curtly. His suit hugged his arms, as he crossed his arms the material stretched tightly. "I'll have the papers for you when you are ready to go."
"I'm ready to go now" you say. He nods and disappeared into the hallway. He returned with the papers that you quickly filled out.
At some point, Penelope arrived to help with the trip. You got changed with her help while Hotch went to get a nurse and wheelchair. You slipped to hoodie over your head to the best of your ability, the pain medication was wearing off and causing you to wince.
"Oh my sweet angel! We have to get you some more medicine," Penelope insisted with a frown.
"I'm okay for now" you say with a smile smile, pulling up the joggers Penelope brought. She slipped a pair of shoes onto your feet and you felt like you ran a marathon simply trying to get changed.
"I really hope you can come back to work soon! I never eat lunch with anyone now. My bat cave is seriously in need of a rag of sunshine."
You laughed, "Well I hope to get back soon to. Staying cooped up in a house for hours on end seems like hell, but the choice isn't mine."
"Hotch said there was something wrong with the safe house so your just going to stay with him," She said matter-of-factly. "I'm glad I don't have to loose another one of you to some rabbit eating mean guy."
"Rabbit eating?"
She nodded with a smile and packed up the purse sitting near the table with your necessities like a hairbrush, toothpaste and toothbrush, hair ties and other things among the sort.
"Are you nervous?" Penelope asks suddenly.
"For what?" you frowned in confusion.
She shrugged her shoulders, throwing a phone charger into your bag with a sigh, "Staying with boss man? You never talk to any of them, I can't imagine staying with a boss you barely know."
"It is what it is. You guys are the most helpful thing right now regardless of how well we know each other," you reply, "It's a sacrifice on both parts from where I'm standing."
"Everything we be a-o-k" she sang in a happy voice, her hair bouncing around as she skipped along the room.
Hotch returned with a wheelchair but no nurse and you didn't question it. You sat there, unmoving, afraid of the pain you are about to experience by moving so much. Penelope waited patiently and so did Hotch.
"I'm just mentally preparing myself," you announced, holding yo a hand to stop them from speaking. Once you were ready, you slowly moved into the wheelchair while holding Penelope's hand.
The pain was over quickly and you were already going about the hospital hallways. Penelope was babbling about a recent case and Hotch was listening intently and putting his insight in every once in a while to entertain her. You always admired their father-daughter relationship and the look of pride Hotch has when he sees her.
Everything was fine getting into the car, Penelope parting ways with you. Hotch slipped into the drivers seat with a breath and glanced at you quickly before turning in the AC.
"We have to stop to get medication on the way," he announced, reaching me hind your headrest to back the car up. Being in the passenger seat was the biggest pet peeve of yours and you wanted to jump around or having something to do.
"Uh-" you cleared your throat, "-what medication is it?"
"Morphine. You can only take it once every two days if the pain is unbearable."
You nodded, not arguing that you already new the strength of the medication. Silence fell over you for what seemed the millionth time. Your soft breaths and the blast of the AC occupied the air. Hotch wanted to say something, you could tell by the tight grip he had on the wheel and clenched jaw he was sporting.
"Just say it Hotch. I know what you're thinking," you broke the silence.
He ran a hand down his face, "We could've helped you Y/N. We were there and willing from the beginning. You are apart of the family whether you like to think so or not." His words weren't harsh, more broken and worried.
"I tried," your voice cracked slightly, "I did. Axel didn't like me talking to you- the team for that matter. He said no one would believe me and when you hear the same thing every single day- that's when you start to think: are they right?"
Hotch stayed quiet so you continued, "He mainly didn't like you, thought you were sweet in me and wanted to take me out. There was always the nagging question of if he was just being protective or controlling. I thought that because he gave me so much- I could repay him but cutting off a few people. I started to do it more and more out of guilt until I was stripped of a support system- anyone who could help."
Tears stained your cheeks and you quickly wiped them away harshly, embarrassed of the fact you were crying in front of your boss, telling him something you hadn't told anyone. It was so easy to keep going. You kept all these words bottle up in you that you were ready to finally snap and just tell everything.
"Even Avery didn't think I was in the right mind. I asked her for help and she said I should've said something sooner and there was nothing for her to do- that she had a family to think of."
"Avery?" he asked.
"My sister," you choked out, "She said she had a family and didn't care to think about the fact that I fell into the category."
You both pulled into the driveway of the cottage style house. You didn't need to exchange words to see how sorry he felt. You didn't want him to feel sorry, you wanted him to say something. You knew blaming him wasn't right, it wasn't his job to talk about something that you would continue to deny anyways. You were just hurt and you needed it to go somewhere or someone.
"Let's get you cleaned up." Hotch says, grabbing your things.
A/N-
I guess writing in Spanish class is my new forte. Anyways how are we liking it? Is it going to fast or too slow, just perfect? Let me know! <3