Who's my father?
That's the question Sofia was asking since she was young but mom would always change the topic whenever Sofia brought it up.
"Mom I have the right to know" Sofia would say.
"I think we already established that I'm not going to tell you and I suggest you drop the topic" Mother would respond sharply.
"Why does it always have to be like this? Why can't you just tell me?" Sofia asked in tears in her eyes.
"You're the one who continues to bring it up after I repeatedly told you that I don't want to talk about it" she yelled in irritation and opened the liquor cabinet.
"Don't drink" Sofia whispered quietly in a pleading voice. "I'm sorry I asked. Mommy please"
"Go to your room" mother responded with no emotion. It was a strict command. She was already busy pouring vodka into her glass.
Sofia left the kitchen, with tears in her eyes.
She will never ask mom this question again. This was the last time.
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"Mom wake up. Wake up, Jesus, you're going to be late for work"
"Oh shit, thank you, sweetie. You're the best"
The best my ass. Sofia thought bitterly. She just didn't need mom to relapse again. Her business was already failing if she's not going to get a grip this time they will lose the restaurant for sure.
Despite her mom's weaknesses Sofia still loved her. Very much so. That's why it hurt so much when she wasn't doing well. The past few months were so good and now everything was going to shit again. Sofia pushed these thoughts away, she couldn't let mom see her cry. That would only make things worse she would feel guilty and drink even more. That's why Sofia preferred to be a perfect angel. She smiled brightly and said "You're welcome. Have a good day at work" Sofia gave mom a quick peck on the check and left the room.
She had school at 9 a.m. so she could calmly make breakfast for herself and watch how mother springs out of the house panicked. Mom was so chaotic, she would be late for work again.
"Mom, wait"
"What is it? I don't have time baby"
Sofia took a deep breath. She was nervous. She didn't want to say it.
"I ran out of meds I need cash" Sofia said awkwardly looking at the floor. She felt so guilty.
"Fuck. Sofia those pills cost a fortune" mom said in a serious tone "You know my restaurant is not doing as well as it uses to and Paul disappeared somewhere"
"I know"
Sofia felt sadness and guilt when she pleading for money. Also - shame. She wanted to finish school already and stop feeling like a beggar every time she asked for something.
New clothes? You have enough. Book? Borrow one from a library. Again school supplies shopping? Why do you break everything? You have no respect for things I buy for you with hard earned money.
Sofia always felt sick when asking mom for money because she would always hear this type of response.
Mom's mood changed a bit when she met her boyfriend, current husband several months ago. She was really in a good state, in the best mental place Sofia ever saw her. This is why Sofia got brave enough to ask if she can go to a psychologist and indeed she was allowed to. For six sessions only, this is the amount mom's insurance could cover. Sofia couldn't continue but Ms. Brennan, convinced mom to pay for a visit to a psychiatrist. Dr. Schwartz diagnosed Sofia with bipolar disorder and ever since she was taking meds. She was feeling way better after taking them. But meds even without therapy costed fortune therefore Sofia wanted to stop taking them after she feels a little better. The only problem is that she was scared of what's going to happen if she drops them. She couldn't exactly predict her future behavior. She was such a failure.
With thoughts like that she went to the local pharmacy.
She has already missed three doses of her meds because she was too stressed to ask mom about them.
"Sorry honey the price raised it's going to be $65 instead of $60"
What? Shit. They can't be for real.
"Oh. In that case, I will come back later" Sofia said nervously, her hands trembling took the money from the counter. She smiled nicely and thanked the pharmacist for help.
When she left the store she started to cry. Well, those meds weren't helping that much anyway. She's not going to bother mom about it anymore.
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"Sofia, where are you going this late?" Mother asked with a drunken voice.
"I'm giving Italian lessons, remember?" Sofia said in gentle voice.
"You're bilingual all because of me" she slurred proudly.
"Yeah I'm so glad you decided to move to a foreign country without speaking the language," Sofia said, her voice held the hint of sarcasm. She couldn't stop herself.
"You're so fucking ungrateful Sofia I'm doing so much for you one day I will be dead and you will regret speaking to me like that"
"Just leave me the fuck alone!" Sofia yelled finally snapping. She loudly slammed the door behind her.
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Sofia and her student have been going over Italian past tenses when her phone started ringing. She turned it off. She called back after she finished the lesson. It was around 8 p.m.
"Paul? What is it?"
"Where are you, Sofia?" He asked ignoring her question.
"At Ms. Evans's house, I just finished my lesson with Chloe, why?"
"I will pick you up as soon as possible we need to get to the hospital.
"Why?"
"Your mother had an accident"
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"What do you mean dead?" Sofia asked in a hollow voice.
Mother couldn't be dead. Not like that. How can a person die unexpectedly like that? It doesn't make sense. You told her to leave you alone. No. Stop. Don't think about it.
The voice in my head was not helping.
Tears were flowing down her cheeks like a waterfall when we were driving with Paul to the hospital.
"I'm sorry for your loss," the doctor said, his voice full of compassion. He looked at Sofia with pity and Sofia hated that look.
Sofia would fall on the floor if Paul didn't catch her in time. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders in a reassuring gesture.
"Don't touch me" Sofia pulled away with hostility. "How did it happened?"
"She came here with an acute head injury. The amount of alcohol in her blood indicates severe motor impediment so we don't exclude the possibility that she fell in an unfortunate way"
"Sofia I know it's hard" he started.
"Hard? You don't-"
"Mr. Bowen? Ms. Sanzaro?"
We both turned towards the voice asking for us. A woman in a black suit appeared. She had her hair tied in a bun and a strict look on her face.
"Yes?" Paul asked.
"My name is Jennifer Linder. I'm a social worker assigned to your case"
"Case?" Sofia repeated. "What case?"
"We need to figure out where are you going to live"
"What do you mean? I can stay on my own" Sofia mumbled feeling dizzy.
"Until you're 18 you must remain under someone's custody"
"But it's just a year-"
"Sofia is staying with me"
"You don't have to do this Paul I'm not your responsibility" Sofia responded. They knew each other for barely a few months why would he do that for her?
"Nonsense. I'm Sofia's step-father, Mrs. Linder. Her mother and I are... we were... married, she must stay with me"
"I will do everything in my power to make it happen Mr. Bowen. What about her biological father? Biological relatives are always preferred by the court but we take into account child's will"
"There's no father," Sofia said "I don't even know his name let alone if he's alive or not. I don't have any close relatives that I know of. If I won't be allowed to stay with Paul you will need to send me to a group home or whatever"
Sofia didn't have a father. She came to terms with this fact a long time ago. But she would never get used to not having a mother.