"So. It's Friday night, are you excited for the weekend?" Derek asked, just as she shut the door after entering his office.
He was sat cross-legged on the top of his desk, placing some files down on his right. He was also in his usual casual wear- dark blue denim jeans, grey sweater and white trainers.
She nodded.
A deducing look was given to her. "Excited for your brothers to come back from their work trip?"
She nodded a bit more eagerly this time, she was excited. She was ecstatic.
Not that she was dying without them or anything, it just felt better having all of her brothers in the same place at once; felt safer and more secure.
Derek smiled, placing both of his hands flat on his desk and kicking his legs out to stand up.
"Would you like a drink?" he asked, rounding the desk.
"Water, please," she answered as she began walking over to her usual spot on the couch. He nodded to himself and reached down to open his fridge under his desk, grabbing two water bottles and making his way over. He held one out for Brynn, which she took giving him a thank you.
"So," he started, going over to his armchair and sitting in it with one leg over the other, "how're you feeling today, Brynn?"
"Alright," she said, unsure of the answer herself. Truth be told, she felt like a right idiot.
She didn't tell anyone about the clown incident and, at the time, it hadn't shaken her up as much. Milo's done much more skin-crawling stuff. If anything, she just felt weirded-out.
And there was the incident at lunch yesterday with her not-breathing thing. That had scared the girl more.
At least with the clown thing, she could understand that the person was a little messed-up and was definitely on something, but with the not-breathing thing, now that scared her. It scared her that she hadn't understood it.
"Uhm," she started, focusing her gaze on the floor and fiddling with the cap of the water bottle. She got myself a little more comfortable, shuffling until her back hit the back of the couch. She wanted to tell him about the breathing thing.
She was supposed to tell him things like this, wasn't she?
He didn't look annoyed at all when she looked back up at him. He just sat there with an encouraging look, patiently.
"Well," she sat up a little straighter. "On, uhm, Thursday," she gulped, getting a little overwhelmed. "In music," she won't include the Malcolm part- that would be embarrassing , "I couldn't really breathe."
Derek looked like he was thinking, deducing and understanding all at once.
He encouraged her to continue, "take your time."
She fiddled with the bottle cap some more, secretly trying to open it, but not wanting to make it obvious because she was struggling quite a bit.
"I don't really know what happened, but my legs were quite wobbly and-" she paused, getting overwhelmed again, "-and I couldn't really write because my hands were shaky and my arms and shoulders were numb." This felt good to get out.
"And then I wasn't breathing," she felt stupid saying this, obviously she could breathe. "Thought my heart stopped or something," she muttered to herself feeling stupid now.
"And what did that feel like?" Derek asked tilting his head. She thought about the answer.
"Nothing at first, didn't even realise I'd stopped breathing," she was reliving it now, "I just felt panicky at first and then when I figured I wasn't breathing, the panic got worse."
The bottle cap was gripped tighter. Open. Derek nodded with a serious face and leaned forwards with his elbows resting on his knees.
"Brynn, have you ever heard of anxiety?" he asked. She nodded, not knowing where he was going with this.
"Did you know that you have anxiety?" he received a questioning look, eyes and eyebrows furrowed.
"But anxiety is constantly being scared, isn't it?" He looked at me a little sympathetic.
"There are many forms of anxiety," he began explaining, using his hands to empathise, "everyone experiences it at least once in their lifetime whether it's for an exam or an important meeting at work etcetera."
"Some people, however, have it for the majority of their lives. Some without even realising it. There are a few things that you do that show you have anxiety. You have nervous tics, like picking at your nails or rubbing at your foot with your other, stuttering when you talk too fast or saying too much at a time, not wanting to put yourself in possible awkward situations," he got up and walked towards her.
He continued talking as he got closer and took the current bane of her existence- the water bottle- from her hands, effortlessly opening it. "Not wanting to embarrass yourself with minor things."
Her face flushed profusely as he handed the water bottle back with a smile. He sat down cross-legged on the floor in front of her, about three feet away.
"What you had yesterday, was a panic attack."
"What's a panic attack?"
"It's something that some people usually get when they're worrying over something, mostly people with anxiety. Sometimes, and in your case, the worries you were feeling subconsciously built up and when you finally noticed, you couldn't calm yourself down." He paused, giving the girl a moment to take in the information.
"Can I ask what may have caused this? Did anything happen that could have pushed you over the edge?"
She remembered Milo- Malcolm and his friends laughing at her.
Instead of actually saying that, she tried to think of a good way to describe it without looking foolish. "Some boys in my class were laughing loudly, made me think of-" she took a shaky breath in. "M-made me think of Milo."
Derek nodded looking the most understanding a human being has ever looked. "Okay and that's when you started feeling a bit wobbly?"
She nodded, taking an unstable sip of the water.
"And did anything calm you down?"
She shook her head, "not exactly. I was just really tired and zoned out during lunch, think I fell asleep or something."
"That's normal, to feel tired after an attack. Is there somewhere you can go in school to relax there?"
She shook her head again, "no, there's only the library where we eat lunch but that has a few people in it."
"Do your brothers know about this?" the girl hesitantly shook her head.
"Have you ever thought about calling them when you feel like this? Sometimes it helps to hear a voice you're attached to, like you're safer. I'm sure Brayden will understand."
She thought about it for a second then internally said no, it'd be embarrassing.
"You also know that embarrassing yourself won't be a problem either, right?"
Feeling her face flush again, she shrugged weakly. He gave her a look, "Brynn, come on. You know that your brothers wouldn't feel that way. Do you know how much they look up to you?"
Sorry, "what?"
"I saw every one of your brothers when they were your age, either as clients or as family friends; you were all they talked about. God, I've never seen such caring brothers. And I know that some of them struggle to show it sometimes, but they love you so much. And it would not bother any of them at all if you called them when you needed them."
She didn't think so.
"Whether you think so or not, Brynn, it's the truth. And I know it's scary sometimes, but one day you're going to realise just how much love you have surrounding you. And you'll be surprised at how willing your brothers would be to help you."
He un-crossed his legs and stood up whilst speaking, "and if you ever think something is too hard to say or you just need someone to listen, you have me too, yes?"
Smiling and tightening the lid on the bottle, she nodded. She didn't think she could speak right now; instead of speaking some more, Derek leapt over the stairs and over to his desk drawer. He looked back up at her, "favourite colour?"
Confused, she thought about it and then answered, "green."
He nodded and reached into the drawer. Some crinkling was heard and then he pulled out a green ball. Throwing it up about two feet in the air, it came back down into his hand and he signalled for me to come over as he slumped into his desk chair.
Coming over to his desk, she stood awkwardly on the other side as he held the ball up in his right hand. "This," he started and squished it, "is a squishy ball." He squished it again to prove his point.
"The correct term is 'stress ball', but that's such a boring name," he rolled his eyes dramatically while she chuckled. "So," he sat up from his chair and leaned on his desk, ball still in hand, "I call it a squish ball."
She nodded trying to keep a serious face because he had one. He placed it in the middle of the desk, "it's yours," she looked from the ball to him. Is he serious?
"Really?"
"Really really."
She looked at him skeptically, and he kept looking back for a few seconds. That was until he broke his serious facade. "Okay, you got me, there's a catch."
Brynn narrowed her eyes slightly, "what's the catch?"
"This," he tapped the top of the ball from where it was on the desk twice, "is yours." He added a pause to build the tension she was already starting to feel. "Only if you promise that next time you have an attack you call one of your brothers or me."
"Next time?"she asked quickly, feeling a little nervous. She'd have to go through that again?
Derek gave a sad look, "people with anxiety tend to get them quite often Brynn, especially if they don't know how to regulate it."
Oh.
"So," she gulped, "so I'll have this for life?"
"It gets easier I promise you that, and there are always things we can do to help you cope and that is what I, and your brothers, are here for. But you've held this anxiety for so long that it will take a while to cope, but that doesn't mean that you are stuck with this," he stated firmly.
"That just means that you are going to fight this. And I know you can do that Bry. Because no matter what anybody has done to you, no matter what is making you anxious and no matter what situation you find yourself in, I know that you're bigger than it and they do not define you."
---
Brynn lay on the L-shaped couch in the living room still in her school uniform, sprawled out across it and throwing the green squishy ball up and down.
She had promised Derek that she'd phone my brothers or him when it happened it again. Gulping and pausing her throwing, she replayed the words. Again. She didn't want it to happen. Nobody would want that to happen for a second time. It felt horrible.
Derek gave her his personal phone number to use when she felt like this and he said that if she could feel it start to build up, to squeeze or throw the squishy ball.
Probably wasn't the best idea to give her it though, she'd get distracted by it far too easily now.
Now was a prime example, she was supposed to be doing maths homework, but found this so much more entertaining.
She had a 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' episode playing on the big TV as well which her attention occasionally tuned in to.
Throwing it up again, she frowned when a hand came into her vision and swiped it before the ball came back down.
Shooting up to sit straight, she saw that Zaiden was the owner of the hand. He was stood behind the couch, still in his full school uniform except with a looser tie and was inspecting the squishy ball.
"What's this?" he asked after a couple seconds, throwing it up once then looking at where she sat awkwardly on the couch.
"A squishy ball."
He rose an eyebrow. "Derek gave it to me today," she held her hand out really wanting it back.
Zaiden looked down at his sister's hand and then back up at her face again; he placed the ball on her palm after about eleven seconds of debating his options.
Brynn shuffled up to the corner of the couch and stuffed the ball under a pillow. Zaiden jumped over the back of the couch and started watching the TV.
She didn't know what to do for a good few moments before she settled to doing what he was doing, watching the TV.
Not long after watching, maybe three minutes, Zaiden broke the silence. "Brynn?" he sounded hesitant.
The girl looked towards him but he was still looking at the TV, so she copied that as well. "Yeah?"
From her peripheral vision, she saw him look down at his lap and pick at his trousers then look back at the TV. "Sid's not been giving you any trouble, has he?"
His voice was hard and seemingly pissed off when Sid's name slid out of it. She bit her lip, I can't lie now.
"I mean, he speaks to me sometimes," she mumbled, not wanting to throw him under the bus or anything.
Zaiden's head snapped to look at her with a clenched jaw. She turned her head to match his stare only to cringe inside at the hostile look. "What does he do?"
"Not much." Rushing out the words like she had didn't seem to make Zaiden's look less deadly.
He narrowed his eyes and remained silent. She could see him roll his tongue inside his cheek and hands fist the blanket on the couch.
She stayed silent with him until she had to ask something. Something she'd been dying to ask for a while. "Why don't we like Sid?"
Saying 'we' felt better than 'you'. She knew that he didn't like Sid and she knew that the majority of her other brothers didn't like Sid either and if her brothers didn't like someone, that means that she didn't like them either.
Zaiden breathed a heavy breath and un-clenched his hands, leaning back to rub them on his thighs. He looked like he was debating whether or not he should tell her. Eventually he said something.
"We had..." he trailed off, looking conflicted, "a thing."
Brynn nodded as he opened his mouth and then closed it again, thinking about his next words. He found the right ones.
"It was about two years ago and it was only a fling, was questioning some stuff," he was a little uncertain.
"You don't have to tell me-"
"No," he interrupted sternly, "you deserve to know why you're not allowed anywhere near him." He said it, but he had a look in his eyes and the tone that he used was hard, like he was taking this opportunity to remind his sister that she wasn't allowed near Sid.
"Okay," she whispered back, a little nervous about what he'd tell her next.
Zaiden's warning look remained as he finished his reasoning. "When I ended it, he started using,"- she knew what that meant, nodding along- "and he blamed me for it." Brynn nodded slowly.
"Zayne had warned him to back off, but he didn't listen, choosing to vandalise Ezra's boxing studio instead." Holy crap.
"So he got a warning warning,"- she wasn't aware what that meant- "and he stayed away."
"And we don't know if he's still using or not, so I need you to tell me if he speaks to you again," he ended. Brynn was left quite shocked. Sid did that?
She didn't respond, causing Zaiden to snap, "Brynn." Quickly nodding, she answered him, "yes."
"Yes, what?"
"Yes, I'll tell you."
"Tell me what?"
"Tell you if Sid speaks to me again." He was really adamant about this.
She didn't think Sid would do anything to her anyway, his younger brother tortures her enough for the both of them.
Zaiden approved and nodded, leaving it at that and staring at her with an undetectable look.
The moment vanished when Zach and Silas entered.
Both still in their school uniforms, they came in; Zach jumped over the couch in between Zaiden and Brynn, causing Zaiden to clench his jaw and look back at the TV. Silas went around the couch the proper way, tugging a pillow from behind Zaiden- which Zaiden tried to snag back- and dumping it on the floor to rest his head on.
"Yeah," a voice muttered before Ezra came into the room with his phone to his ear. It looked like he'd stayed home for most of the day because he was only in his black sweatpants and socks.
He looked at Brynn for a few seconds and listened to the person on the other end of the call. Then he broke eye contact with her and went back to speaking on the phone, "alright Zayne, I know."
She wouldn't say she was being nosy about what they were talking about, but she did know that whenever Zayne called one of her other brothers, it wasn't usually for a friendly chat. So you could say she was being slightly curious.
However, Ezra hung up straight after he stopped speaking. He strutted over to the rounded couch, threw his phone on one of the pillows and took a seat. Taking a look at each of us, he narrowed his eyes, causing us to look away and concentrate on the television.
Zach leant to whisper in my right ear, "I can't believe you started watching this without me."
She smiled, feeling cheeky, not looking at him so he pinched her side. She squirmed away as far as she could in the corner, looking at the smug smirk on his face as he continued watching the show.
She reached over to pinch his left arm, making him whip his head to look at her like she'd just stolen his left kidney.
He retaliated by poking her right side again but Silas started speaking, causing all the attention to be drawn to him.
"What should we have for tea?"
Some thought about an answer before Zaiden said his, "Domino's?"
Zach scoffed, "we can't have Domino's all the time, guys. Callan and Brayden said it's not good for us and they're right. We should be eating healthier things because having Domino's so often is bad. So, no, no Domino's or pizza."
It was silent as Zach's speech ended. A bit more silence.
"KFC?" Silas suggested.
"Yeah, sure," Zach agreed. Ezra picked his thrown phone up and swiped a few times, bringing it to his ear and standing up to leave.
Brynn bit her bottom lip, Callan and Brayden will kill us.
"Wanna watch a movie?" Zach whisper-asked her, interrupting her thoughts. She nodded and he grabbed the remote from beside him and started searching a movie category.
"Put something good on," Silas muttered glumly from where he was on the floor.
"Right, thanks for your useful input Silas," Zach replied tonelessly, still looking through the categories.
"Punch him in the face for me, Zai."
"Food shouldn't be long," Ezra announced, walking back in and reclaiming his spot on the chair. Once settled he asked, "what're we watching?"
"Something good according to Silas," Zaiden muttered.
"Brynn, what's good on there?" Zach asked the girl. She paused, he was asking her?
She shrugged, nervous at having to make such a decision, and looked at the movie selection that was there.
Romantic Films
Action/ Thriller Films
Horror Films
Animated- wait no go back.
"A horror?" she suggested causing each of them to let out a simultaneous "ha!"
What was funny?
"You're far too young for a horror, sorellina," Silas informed, looking intently at the screen. He was telling her that she couldn't watch a horror movie but she couldn't help notice that this was one of the first things he'd said to her that wasn't harsh.
"Brayden let me watch Annabelle," she retaliated, that had to be a good reason.
"I'm sorry, how old are you again?" Zaiden inquired. She was getting agitated now, she was old enough to watch a horror movie with her brothers.
"Twelve," she answered dejectedly.
"Barely," Ezra joined in, snorting.
Then Zach gave his opinion, "yeah, you're too young, love."
She gave him a look of betrayal, which he ignored and clicked another category. Animated Films.
She tried to stay betrayed, but she loved the look of animated films, especially animal ones.
Zach scrolled down until he stopped on 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'. It looked good. Just as he clicked on it, the doorbell rang and Ezra stood up to get it, gripping the front of Silas' school shirt as he went past, taking him with him.
They came back in with the piles of food, though she wasn't paying too much mind to them. This movie was cool already. Animated animals sang? Who on earth came up with that idea and how does Brynn meet them? Ingenius really-
She was brought out of the movie daze when Zach placed some food on her lap. Her stomach churned just smelling the food.
He had placed large fries and a box of popcorn chicken on her thighs and looking over at him, he had a bottle of Oasis in his hand, holding it closer for her to take. Smiling, she did.
She could try food for such a good drink.
After some time though, she couldn't even stomach the Oasis; just tired. She managed to slide the half-eaten food off her lap and onto the floor.
Her brothers were too focused on the chipmunks to notice so she counted it as a win.
She sat back into the couch and slowly slid down it, her eyes getting heavier and heavier. The soft couch beneath her with mountains of fluffy pillows on it created a cozy feeling within her.
The last things that she felt before slipping out of consciousness were her shoes being tugged off as well as the blazer and her head and body being shifted so that they weren't at a weird angle.
---
When Brynn came to next, she was still downstairs on the couch. It was like no-one had moved at all.
The girl was curled up at the end of the couch with two blankets, her own and the majority of Zach's- who had his face smushed up against her right shoulder. In his right hand, he had a bottle of coca-cola which he was holding atop the blankets on them.
Ezra was splayed out asleep on the round chair, Zaiden's top half was bent over the arm of the couch and the bottom half was curled in on himself; Silas was still on the floor with his head resting against the couch in, what looked to be, a very uncomfortable angle.
The TV was still on, on low volume, with an episode of Friends playing. All the lights were off and the curtains were fully closed. The only faint light was the sunlight that was trying to fight through the them, but it was only really visible in the slight opening the curtains had at the top.
She noticed that Silas, Zach, Zaiden and she still had their school uniforms on, minus her blazer, and she had a horrible taste in her mouth. She grimaced remembering that she'd forgot to brush her teeth, feeling like a mess.
She couldn't even imagine what her hair looked like, probably sticking up in all sorts of directions.
As comfortable as she was was, she needed to brush her teeth because now that she'd noticed it, it'll bother her until she fixes it.
Shuffling away from Zach as soundlessly as she could, making sure his head landed softly on the pillow she was on, she began tip-toeing out, stopping when she stepped over Silas.
She looked at each one of them, conflicted about what she was thinking of doing. They did not look comfortable...
If she was going to do this, she would have to be careful.
Starting with Zaiden, she stumbled over to him and picked up a soft pillow from the floor which had dropped from the couch. Zaiden was currently resting his head on his overlapped hands, which looked really intolerable.
Carefully, she shuffled the pillow above his hands and under his head. She managed to get it fully in place without waking him up. One done.
Next, the blankets on Zach were fixed to cover his back and the drink was removed from his hand before he spilt it. Then the girl looked towards where Ezra was on the round chair.
She looked at her discarded blanket which was bunched up in the place she laid before. Picking it up, she held each corner to spread it out properly and got closer to Ezra. She tripped once or twice on the bottom of it but did make it to Ezra.
The blanket was placed on him and she stood up rather fast. She couldn't believe she'd just done that.
Finally was Silas on the floor. Brynn knelt down to move the pillow below his neck, hoping that his head would subconsciously follow. It did.
Standing up, she didn't realise how much she was holding her breath. She hadn't taken care of anyone like that since she had to clean up whenever Milo passed out in his armchair.
The grim taste in her mouth came back, replacing the thoughts of Milo with ones of freshening up.
She tiptoed out of the living room and once she was out, she walked like a normal human being up the stairs and into her room.
She was rubbing her eyes furiously, trying to get any goop and gunk out, and was sleepily swaying as she made way to the bathroom.
Something hard bashed her left shoulder, making her mumble, "sorry."
The twelve year old paused for a few seconds and turned, realising she'd just apologised to a wall.
She needed to wake up and she did, brushing her teeth, doing the absolute best to make them minty fresh. Then her hair was brushed which took some difficulty with all the knots and tangles.
Once she'd used the toilet and taken her uniform off to put in the wash, she looked for clothes in the wardrobe settling on black leggings and a light blue long-sleeved shirt.
Now she stood in front of the mirror on the back of the wardrobe door, wondering what to do with herself now. She could do maths homework? No- not on a Saturday.
She could spend some time in the library? There was still so many David Walliams' books she hadn't read yet.
Or she could make breakfast for her brothers when they wake up?
She could do that. She wanted to do that.
Mind made up, the girl left her room and headed for the stairs. Half way, her vision started to get sleepy again. Sighing, she rubbed at them furiously once again, wincing when her shoulder bashed into a wall once again. "Sorry."
She kept walking but paused when she heard chuckling coming from the wall she'd just bumped into.
She turned and her blurry vision showed a weird looking wall. Narrowing her eyes, she came to the conclusion that it wasn't a wall. But it was something that looked suspiciously like Callan.
Callan...
Callan...?
Her vision started to focus and the main focus of it was Callan standing a few feet in front of her. He was still in his work suit, the tie undone and hanging off his shoulders.
Callan!
"Cal!" she exclaimed slamming myself into his torso and squeezing the life out of him.
She could feel the chuckle reverberate in his chest before the sound met her ears. He held and squeezed her just as hard as she was squeezing and holding him.
"Was I missed then?" he smirked down. She squeezed tighter. Yes you were.
---
<3