A/N: This chapter is entirely new and added because the events of Chapter 7 really didn't blend with what is going on in Chapter 8. So, this chapter is supposed to bridge these chapters more smoothly. Hope you enjoy.
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I
The deal that Damian and I made only lasted for a couple of days before we realized what was actually going on. I still didn't know why I was comfortable with it, but I guess what Damian said was part right: when you have a moral system where fucking your brother is fine, cheating just doesn't seem as bad. Maybe that was the reason why. Or maybe it was because this was the safer of the two options, an alternative to when everything goes belly up. Sure my feelings for Adrian are real, but when it comes down to living our lives together, I think Damian has Adrian beat on that part. I mean it was something I just couldn't stop thinking about. I just kept thinking about myself, Adrian, Damian, my dad, and I kept adding them into the variables of my life. And what seemed the most correct, the most obvious, was that Damian+Me= something.
And although I had thought about all this thoroughly and came up with a suitable conclusion, I also kept going back to Adrian. I guess it was because Adrian+Me= safety. I meant, I really thought about it too. Cuz, if Damian and I became something, my dad would still find a way to hurt me. I knew Damian wouldn't be able to handle that. Damian had a loving dad that sadly passed away when he was young. I came to realize the only reason he acted so tough when he was at school was because he didn't want anyone to know how much he hurt inside. Maybe we latched on together because of that aspect alone. Basically, I knew that Damian wouldn't be truly able to protect me.
Adrian could, though. He promised me. And as we spent more time together, loving each other in every which way, I knew he would fight for me. That was why I needed him too. Someone to protect me from my dad.
It was all so confusing. It was all so wrong and right. It was all so truthful and deceitful. It was all so good and bad. And I couldn't decide. I couldn't choose one over the other because each had something I needed, something that made my life worth living.
I was stuck.
Having sex all the time didn't help either, but I just couldn't stop my desire to have both of them. It was if my lust was acting as a coping mechanism for the fear and anxiety. It was acting like medicine, giving me some power back that I didn't have. It allowed me to be me in front of two people who only wanted the best for me. And I know Damian didn't seem like he was trying to do the best for me in the beginning, but as we lusted after each other, he saw me as someone more than just a uptight boy who always sat next to him in class and who would always jeer him. He saw me as an equal.
The same was true for Adrian. Adrian even told me after we had a night together that he had never seen me so free—never so unrestrained by anything. And all I could do was cry when he told me that. He held me and apologized (of course), but I told him I would be okay. I told him as long as we do what we do, he could see me like I was. He agreed.
The thing was that that was just my lust towards both of them. I couldn't see past that. I knew what was beyond that: love. But love seemed like too much. At least, real true love. Cuz we would say we loved each other—both Damian and Adrian—but I think we just said it to cap the experiences we had so that it made it right. But I knew we weren't actually meaning those things. It was just a politeness, like saying thank you or goodbye. Saying I love you meant nothing. To me, at least.
So that's the way things were going. I was messing with two boys, not really thinking about the future much; letting each day pass without mentioning anything to Adrian (Damian already knew about us, so not much to hide with him).
It was working for awhile, too, my ignorance. But, it takes two to tango. My feelings and thoughts were just mine. I didn't expect that I would also have to deal with things I never intended to happen. They weren't in my script.
Life isn't a script. Life is improv. They don't teach improv in fairytales.
II
"So...what are we doing?" Damian asked as he pulled his pants back up. I turned around to see him buttoning up his shirt, hiding away the muscles he had from me. I was doing my own cleaning up too when I shrugged.
"I don't know." I turned around to face the broom closet door. We found out this place rarely saw any visitors, even from the janitor. It was a nice place to do what we were doing discretely seeing as I couldn't let Adrian know. We would mess around here after school while Adrian practiced, and I would get home right on time before he did to greet him.
"I mean, you're still hiding it. Aren't you?" Damian asked, getting up now to come close to me. I stared at him as he went to button the last button on my shirt that I was reaching for. I turned away again, making sure that he knew I wasn't letting him do this because I cared.
"Why shouldn't I hide it. Hide everything. I mean, cant really go to the school counselor and tell them that I'm having an affair on my brother." I walked to the other side of tight closet.
"Guess not," Damian said. He didn't move closer or anything. I could see he was respecting my emotions right now. "But, you can't say this is nothing."
"Why?" I looked at Damian, feeling rather defensive. He didn't like it when I tried to be tough on him, because he knew I was just pretending. He moved fast to me and I stepped back in surprise. I knocked over some bottles and I could smell the citrus aroma trying to hide the chemical smell of the cleaners. I moved my hands to my face expecting Damian to strike me. Instead, he moved my arms down and said something that floored me.
"I like you, Augustus. I hope you know that," Damian said, letting go of my wrist as soon as he finished. He stood there for a moment looking for an answer in my eyes. Or maybe even a verbal one. But I couldn't say anything, and I'm sure my face was stone cold from the shock.
Damian nodded then left the closet leaving me to feel more than just the lust we had for each other. It seemed like everything I planned in my mind came to the forefront, and I wasn't prepared for any of it. To me they just seemed like desires. I guess desires do come true.
"Fuck."
III
"Something the matter, sweetie?" my mom said, pulling me back to the dinner we were having. My dad was working late, so it was just me, Adrian, and my mom at the table this evening. I looked towards Adrian to see if he was also questioning my rather quiet attitude, but he seemed preoccupied with his own thoughts, picking up a piece of chicken.
"Just school stuff." I gave a half-smile and shifted a bit.
"Is it classes? I hope you're still doing well. It's fine if you get a C once in awhile, sweetie," my mother said. I laughed at that awkward praise and shook my head.
"I'm still doing well. Going for all A's again." I tried to get back to my meal like we had somehow finished our conversation, but my mom looked at me to see if I would answer her question.
"Is it bullying? You know I won't say a thing if you beat them up." My mom joked.
"Nothing like that."
"Damian isn't bothering you, right?" My brother finally said something, but what he said scared me. I looked at him to see if he figured out something, sweat threatening to come out of me. His still half dazical look relaxed me a bit. I pressed though, seeing if he was asking because he knew or because he knew that Damian teased me.
"Damian is just Damian. You know I can handle him," I said, looking for another response from my brother. Thankfully, it was one I wanted. Adrian just shrugged and went back to his food.
"Well, it has to be something. You're only this quiet with us when your dad's here." My mom chuckled at her lack of getting an answer. Then, she snapped her finger and let out an Oh. "You're in love, aren't you?"
I started choking on my saliva in shock. I tried to calm down as my mother looked like she was finally satisfied with my response and my brother just looked at me intrigued about what I was going to say.
"Not in love..." I cleared my throat and stared at Adrian to give me some support (just anything really). "Not in love." I said, trying to convince myself more than my mom now. Adrian winked and giggled.
"So, tell me. Is it a girl or boy?"
"Mom?!" I said, surprised that she mentioned a boy in the picture.
"What? I know you're no Adrian here. It's okay if you found a boyfriend. I'm cool with that," my Mom said.
I couldn't even say anything to any of this. My cheeks just felt hot and I knew I was turning into a strawberry right in front of both of them.
"Alright, mom. I think you've embarrassed him enough," my brother said, looking more aware of our conversation. I mentally thanked him for coming out of his thoughts right when I needed him. "I'm pretty sure he's single right now—I don't see him around anyone. Besides, I think he's waiting for the right person." At that final remark, Adrian looked at me and stared at me. All I felt was guilt, though.
I nodded, trying to get away from all this as quickly as possible. My mom looked at me for awhile longer, before shrugging it all off. "Guess I should leave these things alone." My mom picked up her plate with a smile, satisfied with whatever she was looking for. I was satisfied too, that this was over for now. That was until I looked at Adrian. He was staring at me now instead of whatever he was preoccupied with before. I tried looking away, but knew that it would look suspicious if I did so for long. Adrian and I were pretty amicable towards each other before Damian and what he told me, so I knew it might look weird for me to give him a cold shoulder now. I swallowed my emotions and turned towards him again.
"What's that look?" I asked Adrian. Adrian smirked, turning his eyes towards our mother cleaning the dishes. I think he was gauging whether it was okay to say, or whisper, something.
"Can you help me with some homework tonight?" Adrian finally said. I gave Adrian an incredulous look.
"Oh, yeah. What subject?" I asked, trying to dissuade him from going on with this ploy. Adrian didn't seem to get my message.
"A lot of math homework. Probably gonna take some time, if you're free for the night," Adrian said.
"I don't think I'll be able—"
"C'mon Augustus, I'm pretty sure you have some time to help your brother out for just a bit." My mother came back and said while she picked up our empty dishes to clean.
"Yeah, Augustus," Adrian said. I groaned in frustration as now I had to be there with him in his room. Today, I just wanted to run away from everything and think about things in my room. Life is a bitch.
"Fine. But I'm just going to show you how to do each set of problems, and then I'm gone." I put my own terms to hopefully try to prevent anything from happening that would make me get more confused about everything.
"Okay," Adrian said as he got up. "Let's get a head start, then." Adrian left to go upstairs. I stood behind a moment to push down everything that was happening in my mind, heart, and soul.
"Thank you, Augustus," my Mom said, breaking through my internal turmoil like a ray of sunshine. I sighed and started towards Adrian.
IV
Adrian surprised me. I thought this entire thing was a ploy, but when I came to his room, he had his math homework out. He looked up from his book and smiled at me, then scooted over to let me lay beside him on his bed.
"Calc is pretty hard, haha," Adrian said, scratching his head with his pencil. "Worse grade I have at the moment, and my coach is getting on my ass on it."
I puffed out more air, feeling more discombobulated than ever. I was expecting him to pounce on me and perhaps have me fuck him or the either way round, but he was doing his homework. I made my way to his bed, gave him a warning look that told him I wasn't in the mood to play around—which he acknowledged with an eye roll and a pat beside him—and then I started helping him with his homework.
It took three hours to help him with all his problems, but by then I was so preoccupied with making sure Adrian got the material I was teaching him that everything else seemed to dissappear from my mind. That was until Adrian decided to bring it up again as he put his homework back into his backpack.
"Is everything okay?" Adrian asked, leaving me on his bed as he prepped for tomorrow's day of school. I moaned and pushed my head into his pillows. "I'm guessing not."
"You guessed correctly, braniac," I said, throwing a pillow at him to leave it alone.
"Is it us?" Adrian picked up the pillow from the ground and made his way towards me. My eyes widened and turned away from him as I saw him look at me in such a concerning way. Why was he doing that? What was he being concerned about? It's not like what we have is anything. "It is."
"It's nothing," I said, moving up out of his bed as he sat down on it. I couldn't be near him having this stupid conversation. "This is nothing."
"Augustus..." Adrian sounded hurt, which stopped me from storming out his room. "Why are you saying that?"
"What is this?" I didn't look back at him; I kept staring at the door hoping that his response would be quick enough for me to burst out of them. "What are we doing?"
"Augustus...what are you asking?" I heard Adrian moving up from his bed.
"We're brothers, Adrian. Why don't you find someone else?" I said, feeling a weight come off me.
"Because I like you, Augustus." The room fell silent and a tension filled the air. My heart was fluttering but I felt the weight that had come off me fall right back. Of course he did like me. And I liked him. But what did that mean?
"I need time to think." I broke the minutes of silence. I waited for a moment for Adrian to say or demand something more, only he sighed as I heard him sit back down on his bed.
"Okay..." He cleared his throat and let me walk out his door. I made my away across to my room and closed the door behind me. My room was dark and there was the smell of my unlit candles. The wind seemed to have picked up and all I could hear was the rustling of the leaves on my windows. I tried to smile at the comfort of it all, but could only breakdown when I realized how lonely it all was without any of them. Without Adrian. Without Damian.
Without them, I was nobody.