Zale
When my mother had asked me to bring Fen over for dinner, it had been impossible to picture him in the castle. I had never managed to figure out a way to safely bring Harlow down here, since we were so deep down that being out in the open ocean would kill him just from the water pressure – and that was ignoring the obvious problem, that he couldn't breathe water. Sure, there were people out there who claimed to have artifacts or potions that would let a human safely travel through the ocean, no matter how deep, but it had always seemed like far too big a risk to test them out. In the end, his sickness caught up to him before we ever took that leap.
It was slightly disturbing, knowing that this other man, the one who was supposedly my perfect match, had such a neat solution to a problem that had plagued me in my prior relationship.
When we walked out into the main hall, which was much more crowded than the residential section of the castle, Fen tucked himself closer against my side. His trepidation was obvious, and it sent a warmth radiating through my chest. Fen was clearly uncomfortable and I wasn't an idiot; I knew he hadn't wanted to come tonight. But he hadn't complained or hesitated. He agreed, just because I asked. I wasn't used to getting that kind of support from anyone other than my mother. Even Harlow, who had always wanted to be there for me, hadn't always been able to come through. There were things his health simply wouldn't allow.
Fen, though...
My heart ached, but I pushed through that to acknowledge that Fen was going to be there for me. And I... I wanted to do the same for him. He deserved that.
We actually had some time before dinner would be served, but my mother had thought Fen might be more comfortable eating with us if he got to know her a little first, and I agreed. Especially with what I was doing to him now.
Fen would have been conspicuous no matter what I did. His obvious other-ness, along with those undeniably fae features and coloring, they would have already set him apart, and people weren't used to seeing outsiders. Then there was the fact that he was with me. And not even walking by my side; no, he was tucked against me, arms intertwined. Everyone had already been made aware that I intended to marry a fae man. Who could this possibly be but him?
So, we were attracting a lot of attention. People moving through the halls stopped and stared at us, necks craning until we passed out of sight. The sound of muttering grew the longer we spent out in the public part of the castle, until it wasn't remotely subtle anymore. I could have prevented this. I could have taken a less public route. In fact, we could have avoided people entirely. At the very least, I could have stopped people from staring at us so obviously. I did none of those things.
My people needed to get used to Fen. No one would take our relationship seriously if he was never around. Goodness knew most people hadn't taken my relationship with Harlow very seriously.
So, I escorted the nervous fae man around my castle, taking an unnecessarily circuitous route to the private dining room where my mother took her meals. When we finally stood outside the heavy wooden doors, Fen's eyes were wider than I had ever seen them and his fingers were digging into my bicep. He looked freaked out enough that I felt bad about parading him around like that.
"Sorry about that," I murmured. I hated apologizing.
"It's okay," he said, but I knew he was just being polite, and his acceptance of my apology only would have counted if he knew just how intentional my actions had been before he forgave me. Not that it mattered, since I wouldn't be explaining that to him.
I studied his glazed eyes and flushed cheeks, and realized Fen really didn't look good. In fact, it looked like he might be sick. Surely, it couldn't be from stress, could it? This wouldn't do at all. He needed to snap out of it, and so far he hadn't taken any comfort from my words. Time to try actions.
I leaned down and pressed my lips to his warm cheek, lingering just long enough to hear his sharp gasp. "Thank you for doing this," I said, and I meant it.
Fen pressed his lips together and nodded, but I could see the smile he was fighting. And while he still looked nervous, he also looked distracted and much less likely to keel over.
Mission accomplished, I opened the door to the dining room and led Fen in.
My mother was already there, which was unusual, and I quickly checked the clock on the wall to see if we were late. It was a quarter after five, and I'd agreed to have Fen here by half-past. We were early, and my mother was even moreso.
The glint in her eyes betrayed her and I rolled my eyes. Of course. She was excited to meet Fen.
I led him toward the sitting area in the back of the room, where my mother had already claimed her favorite armchair, which would leave Fen and I on the chaise. Only, we didn't make it that far before my mother was standing before us with a welcoming smile.
"You must be Fen! Welcome to my home."
I wanted to laugh at my mother referring to this place as a home, but didn't want to risk annoying her in front of Fen. He was scared enough, and I didn't think him seeing my mother lecture me would make him feel any better. He opened his mouth to respond to my mother and couldn't seem to manage to get out any words. He shot me a pleading look and I jumped in.
"Fen, this is my mother, Undine. Mom, meet Fen."
Fen's arm around mine stiffened and he couldn't have buried himself deeper into my side without melding us, but he managed a shaky smile and said, "It's nice to meet you, um, your highness?"
He ended on what sounded like a question, and my mother chuckled kindly. "No need for all that. Undine will do."
Fen jerked a little nod and allowed me to usher him over to the chaise, where he pressed himself into my side as soon as we were seated. My mother gracefully sank into her armchair and I almost wished she would slouch a little, just this once, on the off-chance it put him at ease.
"So, you're a teacher?" my mother said. It should have been a safe topic, but Fen blushed so hard it reached the tips of his ears. I really thought that was going to be it – that he was going to shut down and refuse to engage with my mother. But before I could step in, I heard him take in a deep breath, and he straightened his spine. He still leaned against me, but it no longer felt like he was trying to meld with my body.
"Yes, I teach. It's new to me, and I was surprised by how much I enjoy it," he said. Fen looked completely at ease, but I didn't believe it. He couldn't possibly have shaken off such intense nerves, just like that. I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers together to investigate and was unsurprised when he clamped down on my hand. That was the only sign he was still anxious. It was impressive; I knew from experience how difficult it could be to shut down your emotions like that and project false confidence to the world.
"Oh? What did you do before?" my mother asked, completely oblivious to Fen's struggle.
"I used to work for the Seelie government. I'm what they call a seer. I can see the bonds between people and channel magic into them," Fen explained. That was news to me. I knew he could do some kind of bond magic, of course, but I hadn't known it used to be his profession.
I didn't really know much about him, I acknowledged. But... I wanted to.
My mother kept steering the conversation, and she got more information out of Fen than I ever had in all the time we had known each other. I heard about his former job, his estranged parents, the grandparents who had raised him, and the friend who had moved to this realm long before Fen had. By the time kitchen workers brought in our dinner and we relocated to the table, Fen seemed completely at ease. He still held my hand, but it wasn't a vice grip anymore. It was gentle. Nice. It made me feel closer to this man who was so much more than I had given him credit for.
This man who had pushed through his anxiety simply because I had asked. Who had thoroughly charmed my mother, if her bright smile and happy eyes were any indication. And who gave me a look when we sat down and finally let go of each other, a look that was warm and wistful, and made my chest hurt in a strange way. It was almost like missing him, even though he was right there.
How odd, I thought, that I could want to be closer to him when he was right next to me.
--
After our meal, my mother excused herself. She gave me a light hug and kissed my cheek, then stunned me by doing the same to Fen. His cheeks pinkened, but he wore an adorable pleased smile and his eyes darted to me to gauge my reaction.
"Make sure Zale brings you back for dinner soon," my mother said to him.
"I'd like that," Fen said. It seemed like he meant it, too.
Then the two of us were alone, and I felt strangely reluctant to let Fen go yet. Things felt different here. When I was at the school, the walls of the rut my life had fallen into seemed insurmountable. Maybe it was the change of scenery or maybe it was just a side effect of having shown Fen a small piece of myself, but I felt closer to him. And I didn't mind it.
I didn't want to go back to Ashen Oak, just in case it shattered this sense of peace and – my mind stuttered over the word, but there was no denying it – acceptance.
I had loved Harlow. It seemed especially important, here on what felt like a precipice, to acknowledge that. I had loved him with every part of myself, no holds barred and without any reservations.
But Harlow was gone. And though I still wasn't sure how I had survived it or how I was a functional, sane person, it was starting to get easier. And here was a man who not only wanted to be brought into my life, but who fit there in a way Harlow never had.
My mother had liked Harlow, but he never put the sparkle in her eyes I had seen tonight. She was always too worried about the inevitable ending that was staring us down, the knowledge that his sickness would limit our happily ever after. More than that, Fen could come and go from the underwater castle without any stress or risk. And even if I just looked at this objectively, Fen could give me more of a political edge than Harlow ever could have. If I wrote out a list of the pros and cons of being with Harlow and with Fen, keeping any emotion out of it, Fen would be the obvious choice.
Even thinking that felt like a betrayal, but how could it be a betrayal just to think of an irrefutable truth? Fen's magic would give my kingdom an advantage. Harlow would have only ever been a weakness for me. One I would have happily taken on, but a weakness all the same.
"Zale?" Fen asked, his voice soft and uncertain.
It felt almost strange to me that he could still be looking at me with the same look he always did. So eager, so unsure. There was a sadness in his eyes when they gazed at me, one I hadn't ever noticed until tonight, when that sadness dissipated during our dinner. And there was something in him that resonated with the ache in my own chest that I spent most of my time trying to ignore. The ache of deep loneliness.
I must have stayed silent for too long, because Fen looked away and said, "It's getting late. I should go back to the campus."
"No." The word was out before my brain caught up to my mouth, and I had no idea where I was going with this. Fen's brows lifted and he waited for me to say more, but all I really knew was that I didn't want him to go yet. I didn't want us to go back to who we were when we were at the school. I liked Fen here, where he was part of my world and where letting him into my life didn't feel so impossible.
"No?" Fen repeated. His voice came out breathless, and with his wide, golden eyes reflecting light from the wall sconces, he looked like something out of a story. I had to touch him, just to make sure he was real. I cupped his cheek with my hand, swiping my thumb gently over his smooth skin. Fen's eyes fluttered shut, and I snatched my hand away. Touching him might have been a mistake, I realized, shaking out my hand as though that might make the tingling stop.
It might have been a mistake, because it only made me want to touch him more.
"Stay," I said. I meant it as a request, but it came out like a command.
Fen didn't seem to mind. He smiled so hard it crinkled the corners of his eyes, and it sent another flutter through my chest. "Okay."
I smiled back.