"Who the fuck gets engaged in high school? How cliche can you get?" I was acting like a gossiping cheerleader rambling on about William and his new fiance.
I should have gone right home after my fallout with William. I should have gone to the boxing studio to let off some steam. I should be spending time with Christopher, my saving grace. Instead, my pride got the better of me and I convinced myself that leaving would show weakness and I wanted to prove I was strong willed. To whom though? Myself? William didn't care.
It was lunch and I was spending it at our usual spot, the Burger joint. I had joined Rob and a few others. Maria and Mike must have ditched school today and the one decent thing William did was isolate himself with his fiance. It seemed as though it wasn't just me he wanted to cut ties with but our whole group of friends.
His fiance. Ha! What a joke. Could he really have fallen in love with this girl in one night and suddenly become straight. Did he really sleep with her? I won't lie, she was pretty. Her black long wavy hair complimented his raven colored hair. She had blue eyes which I think resembled mine but I didn't want to think too much into that. She was very pale though and a bit pasty in my opinion. She also looked awfully innocent which for some reason annoyed the shit out of me. Her tiny figure and preppy school girl outfit, wearing just enough makeup to enhance her looks but not overdo it. Screw her!
"What's it to you? Who cares what he does with his life. If he loves this girl and wants to marry her, more power to him. Just weird though. What about that girl Heather I thought he was dating. Sucks to be her." Rob commented.
"That girl is from another wealthy as fuck family. I'd put money on it, it's all business. And good for him. Money makes the world go round and the two of them are spinning it." I honestly couldn't tell you who said that. I was still so far deep in my subconscious, I was zoning in and out.
"Christian? Christian? Earth To Christian?!" Rob waved his hands in front of my face.
I slapped his hand away rather aggressively. "What the fuck do you want?" I snapped.
The group stared at me in shock. "Yo Bro. What's your deal? That was seriously uncalled for." Rob snapped back.
I pushed past the group. "I'm out of here." I left giving no explanation for my action.
The rest of the school day was a downward spiral of emotions. I was irritable one moment, depressed the next and often spaced out unaware of what was going on around me. By the end of the day my anger began to subside and the reality of what had been lost started to sink in. I was texting Maria and Mike incessantly with no response. When the final bell of the day rang, I was once again on the verge of a breakdown and sprinted out of the school and to my truck before anyone had a chance to talk to me. I had texted Christina, asking if she could catch a ride home from one of her friends. I had to see Maria as soon as possible and driving my sister home would mean seeing my mom. She would know something was wrong the moment she saw me and I would have been stuck.
Maria had not responded to a single call or text so I drove straight to her house. I was so wrapped up in my own turmoil, I never thought to question why she might be avoiding me. Honestly, the thought that she might be avoiding me never even crossed my mind. That's how delusional I was.
The ride to her house all I did was cry. The aching I felt returned tenfold and the sadness in my heart was unbearable. I had lost the love of my life AGAIN and I felt I still didn't really know why. Could I trust what William told me or was there more to it? All it did was make what I was feeling that much worse.
I pulled into Maria's driveway and almost exited the car without putting it in park. The moment I saw her inviting, royal blue front door, the thought of crying on my best friend's shoulders was all I could think about. She would know what to say and what to do. I know she would. I rang her bell so many times, I thought I had short circuited it when it appeared no one would answer. When the door finally opened, I was so relieved to see Maria that I broke down even harder. I needed her so badly, every ounce of pain I felt came pouring out in sobs.
"Who told you?" Maria looked down at me from her door frame. She stood blocking the entrance. Stupidly, I thought I saw her eyes matched mine. Puffy and red as though she too was crying. I must be so upset that everyone around me looks sad.
"Maria. W-w-why were you not at school? You'll nev-never" I stuttered oblivious to her question.
"What?" She asked, confused and irritated. "You don't know why I wasn't in school?"
"Ma-Maria. Please. Will-William. He lef-"
"You're here about William? Are you fucking serious. Go fuck yourself Christian!" Maria shouted her last words at me and slammed the door in my face.
In a panic I began banging on the door crying her name. Begging she come back. That I needed her. I needed her...
The door opened once again to a very angry Mike. He pushed me back and I stumbled on Maria's stairs almost falling backwards. "You need to leave. NOW!" Mike shouted.
When I found my footing and stabilized myself, I looked up at Mike with pleading eyes. "Please Mike. I do-don't understand. Y-You don't under-"
"Oh I understand perfectly well, Christian." Mike stepped down from the stairs and pushed me back, further away from the house. I could take Mike. Easily. But I wasn't here to fight. These are my best friends. I needed them. "Let me guess. You're here because something happened with William. Poor fucking Christian." He continued.
"Mike, plea-"
"No!" He shouted. "You want to know why Maria and I are not in school today. Why we've missed a few days actually and you've been so preoccupied with William to notice. Ignoring your friends. Missing their cries for comfort" He paused and looked down at the ground. "Maria's Mom is sick, Christian. Like really sick. Maria has been trying to tell you for almost two weeks now and all you've done is blow her off. Her mother has cancer. So take your sob story about you and lover boy and shove it up your ass. LEAVE!"
I fell to my knees as Mike turned and went back into the house slamming the door behind me. With my hands covering my face I cried harder than I ever have in my eighteen years on this earth. How could I have missed it? How could I have been so blind not to notice my friend was in need? Flashbacks of the past few days and weeks flooded my memories. All the times Maria seemed down. When she asked me on a number of occasions to hang out. That she needed to talk to me. I was too... self absorbed to notice. William was right.
I'm not sure how long I stayed on her lawn crying. I couldn't even tell you how I made it home but I was. I had cried myself out and felt empty inside. Poor Christopher tried his best to snap me out of the hell that was my own mind but even he couldn't help me this time. I just sat at the kitchen table staring at our wall waiting. Waiting for my father to come home.
"Christian. Honey. Please talk to me. You're making me nervous." My mother held Christopher in her arms as she hovered over me, concern written all over her face and heard in her voice.
"I just need Dad. I'm fine." I sounded robotic.
"I text him. He should be home soon but what if he had been in surgery sweetheart? You couldn't have sat here for hours. What is going on? Please, Christian. Talk to me." My mother became more and more persistent.
The front door opening caught my attention. "Dad!" Urgency evident in my tone.
"Jesus, Christian!" My Dad held his hand over his chest. "You scared the crap out of me. It's good to see you too Son but can a man enter his own home without being spooked?" He attempted a joke. When he looked at me, in my eyes, he knew. Something was very wrong. "Christian? What's going on? Are you ok?"
Seeing my father, in the state I was in, I regressed to a much younger version of myself. Like a child who scraped his knee after falling off his bike, the need to run to your parents for comfort was comparable to how I felt at that moment. Like an injured child, I began to cry for him. "D-Da-Dad"
Parental instincts kicked in and my father was by my side faster than I was able to shed my first tear. He pulled me up from my seat and pulled me into a tight embrace. "It's ok Son. Whatever it is, it will be ok." He held me as I once again balled my eyes out.
"I-I-Yo-You." I was having trouble getting any coherent words out.
"You have to breathe, Christian. Come on. With me. In and out." My father rubbed my back as he coached me through breathing exercises. When I was able to get my breathing under control, My dad sat me back down at the kitchen table and took the seat next to me.
"Maria's M-Mom." My voice was strained as I tried to hold back tears and maintain my breathing. "She-she has Cancer Dad."
My fathers head fell and he grabbed the bridge of his nose. My Mother who had been listening gasped behind me. My father reached his hand out and grabbed mine. "I'm sorry to hear that, Son. Maria must be a mess. What type does she have?" My father asked.
"I'm not sure." I answered in shame.
"What stage?" My father raised an eyebrow.
"I don't know." Shame.
My father shot me a skeptical look and the guild I felt amplified. "Please D-Dad. You h-have to help-help her. You have to kno-know people, right? Colleagues of yours that can help. I know this isn't your field but you're the best in yours. Y-you must know t-the best in Oncology." I begged him.
"Son, I promise I will do everything in my power. Now, grab your coat. Let go!" My father jumped from his seat, grabbed his car keys and gestured for the door. I remained still. "Come on. I need to know more to help, Christian." He was heading over to talk with Maria and her mother.
"I-I can't go." I was so ashamed.
My father stood by the front door staring at me for longer than my guilty self would have wished. Each second that passed, I felt his eyes long on me with nothing but love. A parental type of unconditional blind love. If only he knew what a disappointment I was. "Ok. Here's what we are going to do. I am going over to see Diane." (Diane is Maria's Mom.) "You are going to go upstairs, shower and then get in bed. You look like shit. I promise, the moment I get home, I will wake you. Deal?"
"Deal." I responded. "Hey Dad." He stopped right as he was about to exit. "I love you."
"I love you too, Son. Now go shower."
***
I couldn't sleep. I tried but I was too anxious. Sitting around waiting also isn't helping my self pity. I had lost my boyfriend and my best friends all in one day. If we are being, I may have lost my best friends days before and hadn't even noticed. I deserved this. To be alone.
"You're awake?" My dad observed as he slowly peeked his head into my room.
"Yup. I tried but couldn't sleep. So, how is she?" I cut right to the point.
My father being the doctor he is, providing friend and family diagnoses has become second nature. Good or bad news, doctors unknowingly have a way of freaking the shit out of you the moments before they deliver the news. My fathers face gave nothing away and therefore, I automatically thought the worst.
My father walked to my bed and sat at the edge facing me. "It's treatable, Christian. But I am not going to lie, she has a battle ahead of her. I called a close friend of mine for a second opinion. She has an appointment with him tomorrow. Her current oncologist is good but I would still like for her to see my colleague. Should she choose to switch doctors, my colleague can help with some of the cost. Either way, this is going to put a financial strain on her family. Your mother and I will help the best we can but Maria is going to need you, Son."
"She doesn't want to see me right now. I don't blame her."
"You two have been inseparable for years. Whatever it is, I'm sure it will pass. Just make sure your conscience is clear. If you have a part in whatever the reason is you two are not speaking, you must do what you can to make it right. And I know you will." My father gave me a weak smile and patted my leg.
"Thank you, Dad. For everything." I was genuine.
"Is there something else bothering you? I'd assume with you being in the state you're in, William would be here with you." My fathers voice was so soft, it was obvious he was walking on eggshells.
"Yes Dad. If I'm being honest, I'm a mess right now. But if it's ok, I would rather not talk about it. I'm actually finally feeling tired and could use the sleep."
"Ok, Son. Just know I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk to." My dad got up off the bed, leaned down to kiss my forehead and walked to the door. Just before he exited, he turned back around. "You can stay home from school tomorrow if you need. Maybe take the day to just veg and handout with Christopher." He suggested.
"A day with that little guy sounds great but I can't hide at home, Dad. I'll be fine." I was very much mistaken.
Had I only taken my fathers advice. Spent the day with Christopher. Got my head right. Got my emotions in check. Then maybe, just maybe, things wouldn't have gone from bad to pure hell.
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