As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
╔.✯. .═════════════╗
❦ALMOST EPHEMERAL❦
╚═════════════. .✯ .╝
He can hear her thoughts on every corner of the bathroom. The melancholic feeling that surrounds it, the inner turmoils etched in an abandoned wine glass at the edge of the bathtub or the single wet towel that creates that repeated beat from the water droplets. The mood can almost be written with the moist in the mirror or even see it in the other pair of toothbrush that is left unused for months, as well as the other halves of the pair of things that they bought together.
None could compare at the sight of a petite woman sleeping on the middle of the bed, her murmurs and whimpers, her cries and pleads.
" I want you back, please come back " the same statement can be heard in the room over an hour.
When will she wake up from all of her dreams and start to accept that it already ended?
.
.
.
She cannot that is.
The purr of a sleeping feline didn't sound as lively before, almost as if those actions of the woman mentioned a while ago.
He could almost cry... yet that familiar ache in his heart did not come. He didn't felt the beat even for once. Almost the same as the ringing phone she failed to notice half an hour ago.
She changed... a lot, if he would've known that it will lead to this maybe he would've stop right there and then--when a single thought even came into his mind while he succumb to his selfish desire.
Maybe if he knew, he'll just stay where he was. Stand and watch like a bystander he would ought to be, t-then... then maybe she wouldn't be like this. They, they wouldnt be like this.
How advanced is Cyberjaya again? Would it be selfish if he hoped to have them build a time machine? Would it be absurd that he regret that he didn't tried to build one? After all he'll be a hypocrite when he did that, but who cares really?
Can't he be a little more selfish at least once? Can't he claim that hypocrisy and take back his words: "time machine isn't possible and it's just a waste of time", admit that even he is not capable of letting something go and just accept it.
A mere glance of the woman and the couple of picture frames on the bedside table is enough to ignore such things, b-but... but then again... can he?
He cannot.
His chance slipped from his grasp. That single opportunity had closed the door before he managed to grab it.
No.
He already lost the benefits, privileges, life, everything... everything that he have... the moment he died.
Gone...
Dead...
Lifeless...
Breathless...
Buried six feet under...
Yes, but the reason of his mere existence as of the moment had never been one of the reason he would think of existing as such after he died.
No.
Because the sight of the whole house and the said living being residing there... had never came to his mind like this... because for once or all of his life he... he was a dreamer.
A kid, a young man, a man... that always kept his optimism and hope with eyes set on his goals yet he failed once again.
He even dreamed of being a father but here he was. His wife left alone with his cat in a big lonely house crying in her sleep with him haunting all of her dreams everytime she fell asleep yet he knew she had always hoped for him to visit her dreams, every single one, even in her nightmares.
He didn't know how long can he tolerate such thought and sight of her like this but he cannot complain. Funny that he tried to think what can he do for her to move on but in the end all of those doesn't work at all. Afterall what can a mere soul do?
He tried, God knows he tried to help her in every possible way he thought of. With him talking to her but it seems that he's just talking to no-one. How about her though? She talks to him not knowing that he is there, trying to communicate with him though he's not there... at least in her perspective.
Change can almost be comical, in the same time it holds all the things you can't imagine nor accept changing. How can someone humor change when all that it does is to change everything. It's inevitable afterall.
Not every changes can be called development yet not all "development" seems to help. It's hard to look back at memories while watching your present because a mere thought indicates that it's never going to happen again, yet she refused to acknowledge such.
She still kept everything the way it is before.
Everything.
Everything, yet change just have to mess it all.
I sit and I stare at your clothes in the drawer
I cry and my knuckles get sore
'Cause I still believe it won't be like before
Now somehow I just want you more
She still went to that ramen shop when it's raining... but he had been missing.
She still drink hot chocolates... but it's not the same taste.
She still cooks curry... but now there's no one accompanying her in the grocery.
Foods doesn't even taste the same yet the recipes and procedures had never been changed.
Was it because he's not there with her?
Was it because her mood ruins the taste of the food?
Was it her tongue or her taste buds?
But even if everything taste bland it also taste bitter afterwards.
He should come back and take responsibilities. Do what he was supposed to do. Or just go home and do nothing, as long as he is there.
Calendars and clocks does not remind her the date or time anymore. Watches or people doesn't help too. She doesn't know if she is just forgetful right now. But at least she's doing her job right?
How can he become an important variable in her life? How can he turn her life upside down even if he's present or not. How can she lost her self in the process of becoming complete? He is gone, that is.
She reached another milestone yet she can't call it as one. Do her life freezed yet it's still going? or is she stuck in the same time walking?
It seems as though everything brings back that dreariness, everything seems as though flashbacks and memories, everything can be associated to him yet everything does not bring him.
Even dust can trigger a memory, a mere thought always leads to him, a lively flower immediately connects itself to his grave yet here she is, lonesome even if it's been years.
She didn't became colorblind but the world seems to lose it's color and life. Everyday feels blue because she's missing that familiar hues. How many nights and days? How many weeks or years? How long does she have to wait for a chance to see him again?
It almost feel substantial in the same time it also feels surreal. She can almost hear his voice as well as feel his presence by her side.
He doesn't know how long has it been nor does he have notice the changes that he had seen. Everything still looks the way how it used to be the first months he is gone till this day and seems beyond.
There she is on the middle of the bed. There she is and dreaming again. You could see how bad has it become, because in exchange of those whimpers and cries, it's maladaptive daydreaming and lies.
He may be aware of time through the calendars at the wall, he may know the time from the watches and clocks even in her phone but nothing can rival her face, that shows how long has it been.
She's still as beautiful as before, she still looks tough and she still stands tall. She's almost the same Alicia he know but... but now anyone can tell that it's Alicia no more.
Miss super agent had been a blast. Alicia Kheng had earned gasps after gasps. Admiration and respect always had been on her account but his wife projected opposition to those the day he was gone. Those became like an alter persona she pretended to be when she's out of her comfort zone.
" Oh you're back " he heard after sometime, her cheerful voice registers in his mind. Her gentle smile and the twinkle on her eyes, he almost feel as if he is alive.
He heard the same statement for a million times, half are those of memories when he was alive. The automatic smile had always etched on his face yet the feelings he have also had changed.
It's evident how he impacted what seems to be half of her life. Time that she was supposed to be living the way she wanted yet here she is, living through the unnecessary shadow that he created for her.
He had long accepted that he is not capable of helping her no matter what but he still doesn't give up on trying, hoping that one day he'll get lucky or one day... she'll finally move on. Worse comes to worse, it leads to this.
She didn't deserve undergoing depression and such, he's not worth of the pain and burden she's having right now. So he hoped, he hoped once more, he prays... everytime, he tried and tried but nothing happen.
He watch another scene, one that he is very much aware about. He doesn't see any hint of grievance as of the moment yet this is another type of loneliness.
" Alicia... " he muttered and on the other side of the room she whimper.
Something about his whispers seems to affect her yet she only weep again.
" Alicia... " he called once more, hoping that she will somehow acknowledge his unseen presence in the room.
The gentle wind danced with the curtains and leaves, it proceeds in the room as if to dry her tears. She stood and wiped her face. Maybe it's time for bed.
He followed her nonetheless, watching her as she repeated her habit the moment she went home.
She'll sit by the window after she ate, she'll spend time in the memory lane and once he intervene... if she was aware, she'll finally decide to call it a day.
Walking in the room her gaze will slightly linger at their bedside table, specifically the picture frames which houses their wedding pictures.
She'll smile then she'll sigh, she'll nod then go to the bathroom, she'll take her time in the bathtub while sipping a glass of wine then she'll sleep though it's ever been hard to catch.
At midnight, starts those whimpers and cries, now she doesn't plead but she demands.
' If you won't come then take me instead, I'll gladly follow you anywhere you lead. '
At the foot of the bed, he'll gently sit on, watching her face and each of her expressions then he'll mutter under his breath.
" Maybe it's time to let ourselves go, let us be free once more "
With different statements but the same thought, she'll answer with whisphers or a distinct facial expression, some may hint on what she's dreaming on afterall she didn't heard the poor soul.
He can vaguely remembers the phrases of the nights, one of those she dreamt every midnight. It may hurt no matter what but once again it's about him tonight.
" Till death do us part " she answered in a hushed tone, tears slowly emerging from her closed eyes.
Sometimes he wonders if she is capable of lucid dreaming or he really just haunt her in her dreams.
How long? How many nights? Would it take another couple of years? Would it last another lifetime? Or maybe till they were reborn?
Eternal love seems romantic and sweet.
" Why can't it be ephemeral Alicia? "
" Cut it short if you would just hurt like this "
" Please... "
" Not another day. Not another hour. Not another minute or even a second more. It's past the time you should've let us go, be happy and live once again like I've never been in your life before. "
For once in decades he felt his heart beating painstakingly. Perhaps it had always been there and he just can't hear nor feel it's beat. He seems to tear up though he does not have a body to "express" those fluids up.
" Alicia... " he called once more as he tried to dry those tears again.
They said a ghost can at least move things so why can't he? For half of his life living without a physical body he does not acquired nor experience any of the things they said but for once... F-for once...
For once Alicia woke up, looking straight at him not through him. Those puffy teary hazel brown eyes gazed upon him almost surreal.
" N-no " her voice croaked as her tears continuously makes its way out of her eyes.
" A-Ali... A-Ali... Ali! No no no, take me with you. Ali... Please. " she pleaded while sobbing, wanting to grasp him.
Shocking, nerve-wracking, miraculous even, maybe this is it. His chance.
" No, you have a life ahead of you Alicia. I-I I am just here to say my proper g-goodbye to---"
" No! Ali, take me with you. I don't care, take me with you! " she shouted.
He shook his head. No.
So what if that encounter make things better for her? So what if she could see his soul from that day on? So what if she don't take long showers or drink at the bathtub anymore?
This... this is beyond crazy. She's still plenty of years away from being that... old to experience such... but to her it doesn't matter because he's back. Ali is back and he's always there waiting for her to come home.
For now it is enough. Until... u-until he agreed.
" We will see each other soon "
" Don't you want to live a life without these miseries? "
" Alicia.... "
" It's time to move on "
How many phrases had he wasted saying those to her everytime, everyday? Because once more, once more she wants to be self-centered. Once more she'll do what she wants and no one can defy it.
.
.
.
And it seems as though she doesn't have to wait for too long.
.
.
.
Because soon enough... though that scowl seems to be imprinted on his face... she'll finally be with him.
Alicia Kheng always kept her promises and she promised to love him eternally.
.
.
.
After that long decades he finally found out. Maybe his purpose is just to be there and wait for her.
Wait until they both could walk to an infinite tomorrow.
(o^^)o----------o(^^o)
Credits to artist of the fanart attached above: itsmespicaa.
Guys I'm seriously short of Alilicia pills. Please gimme more ( ´ ▽ ' )ﾉ for inspiration.
This one is hardly finished! I'm sorry for this filler semi angst? LOL anyway stay safe ヾ(*´∀｀*)ﾉ
I'm happy that I can update this week! Till next time!