Chapter One Hundred Two
Eli
It's been 2 weeks since Dani and I looked at the house. My place has been sold and we're in the process of buying the new place. If everything goes through as it should, then we'll be in the house just before Independence Day. Things have been good, really good. Dani has been different with me. She seems happier and she's been much more forthcoming with talking about her nightmares and what they did to her. While hearing those things makes me angry at them and distressed for her, I like that she's sharing the load with me, especially seeing as she's finding it easier to talk. Sarah has been doing Dani's PT at my parent's house and the sessions with Sam seem to be going well. Dani is getting better at learning to get herself out of a panic attack and I don't think she's panicking as much as she used to. Things are starting to look up, finally.
When I walk into work on this Thursday morning, I'm thinking about Dani's scheduled session with Sam tonight, so I nearly miss the look my Cap sends me. He wants to talk to me. That look is never a good sign. As I follow him into his office, I see Captain Greggson sitting, waiting for us.
“Hey Captain Greggson, what's going on?”
“I'm not going to beat around the bush, Ramirez. I've been speaking to your Captain and he told me about your plan to question Avilov, Goraya and Zhabin. You still want to put that plan into play?”
“Yes sir.”
“You think you and Sergeant Scott can pull it off?”
“Without a doubt, sir.”
“Good. I want you to do it. At the moment, they're in Rikers. They're serving 20 to life, but you won't be able to take time off their sentence for co-operating.”
“I won't need to. I just need a room with no disturbances. I don't want any guards walking in and interrupting though. I need full rein to do what I have to do. Can you give me that?”
“I'll clear it with the warden. It'll be within reason though, Ramirez, right? I can't have this whole case being thrown out in a year or 2 because you messed it up on a revenge vendetta.”
“It'll be above board, sir. No matter how much I want to kill them, I know the law has to be upheld. When do you want us to get this done?”
“ASAP. We're running all locations that seem plausible for that kind of purpose, but there's a lot of real estate to cover. If they can give us something, a location or even an area, then it'll narrow the field down.”
“I'll get it done. You set it up and I'll get it sorted.”
“Good. I'll call when it's all good to go.”
I nod and the Cap lets me get back to work. I grab Ash's attention and say, “Rec room.”
“What's up, Ramirez?”
“We're going to Rikers. Remember that plan the Cap and I came up with for Avilov, Goraya and Zhabin?”
He nods.
“It's in play. Greggson is going to set it up with the warden so we're not disturbed. As long as we don't do anything to get his case thrown out, then we've got a green light.”
“Tell me when and I'm there. How we going to play it?”
“Well, they've taken a guilty plea and they're already serving their time, so we can't get any time taken off, not that I'd want to anyway. I've got a few ideas, but I'd rather put them into play on the day.”
“No problem. You heard anything from Arrow?”
“Nope. He's got his own little investigation going. He said he'll make contact when he has something, so I'm just waiting.”
He nods again and before we can discuss the matter any further, we're thrown into work again. It's busy until we clock out and Dani and I head to Sam's office.
Sam asks Dani about the new house and if there's any news on that.
I see the smile on Dani's face as she explains, “We're just waiting for the sale to complete.”
“You look pleased about that. How do you feel about the move?”
“Good, actually.”
“Happy even?”
“Maybe. I'm not sure if I know what that feels like to be honest.”
“I think you don't remember how to recognize that feeling. Think back to one of the good memories you had with your parents...”
I always know when Dani is accessing the pictures in her mind. She has this look on her face, like she's intently watching a movie on fast forward. That's what she told me it's like. She can flick through the memories of her life like it's a fast movie. That is the weirdest thing ever.
“When my momma used to teach me to dance. She was so patient with me and she always made me laugh.”
There's the most beautiful smile on Dani's face right now. It's a smile I don't think I've seen before.
Sam interrupts my thoughts, “That is a happy thought. You look happy right now, just thinking about that memory. Now, think about the moments you've had with Eli and his family. Are there any moments that make you feel the same way?”
I see Dani blush a little, but she dips her head so we can't see it. I hear Sam chuckle, “I'll take that as a yes, then. Don't worry, I won't ask you to tell me the memories. I'll let you keep the happy ones to yourself. But, it does show you know how to be happy. You just don't recognize the feeling. Maybe try comparing the moments to the ones you just remembered and see if they compare. Then you'll know if you feel happy. So, how did looking at the new house make you feel?”
Dani hesitates and then says, “Happy. It makes me think of my parents.”
“How so?”
“My poppa was going to take us to see that house. He was so pleased with himself. But the accident happened before we could go.”
“Wow. That is amazing. We could write a book about your life, Dani. Not sure if people would believe all of it, but still. You've had some pretty amazing coincidences. What are the odds at you finding the same place your dad looked at?”
“In Yorkville? Probably one in a few thousand. In New York? One in a few million. I don't have the actual figures, as the true number of places of residence aren't kept anywhere officially...”
I chuckle at the truthful answer Dani gives. She looks puzzled as she glances my way, like she doesn't realize what she just did.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No baby. Your mind just amazes me more every day. I don't think Sam was actually asking for specific statistics, although it is very cool you can just do that.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
Sam recovers from her shock, “No problem. I think it is very amazing that you can do that. I know having your mind isn't always an easy thing, but it is a true gift. I wasn't expecting an answer like that. You really are something special.”
Dani isn't comfortable right now and Sam must sense this because she changes the subject.
“So, how have you been doing day to day?”
“Ok, thank you.”
“That's good to hear. The drugs seem to be working well, don't they? Now that they're fully in your system, you should see a vast improvement in your ability to cope. Have you guys noticed that?”
We both nod. Personally, I think it's more than just the drugs, but I'll keep my mouth shut on that one. The past few sessions I've pretty much just sat in the room, listening and offering Dani moral support. Sam has asked me to leave the room a few times, so I'm guessing they're discussing things Dani isn't quite comfortable telling me. To be honest, that doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I know Dani will talk to me when she's ready and I'm pleased she feels comfortable enough to be alone with Sam and to talk to her. Talking to someone is better than keeping it all bottled up. I know Dani will reveal the information to me when she's ready.
Sam's next question grabs my attention.
“What are you going to do about your apartment, Dani?”
I feel Dani freeze and I hear her breathing stop for a few moments. I wait to see if Dani is going to answer, but she doesn't. Instead, she plays with her fingers and I hear her muttering the periodic table to herself. She's fighting back the memories, so I answer Sam instead, “We haven't decided yet.”
“Dani? What's going on? Talk me through what's happening...”
“I don't want to remember. I don't want to see the images...”
“Fight through them, Dani. You're safe. You're in my office. They can't hurt you now. Fight the memories.”
Sam looks at me and I see a sadness in her eyes. It's a look she gets every time she watches Dani struggle like this.
Dani reaches out for my hand and I gladly take it in mine. Any time she initiates contact, I will accept it. I kiss her palm and whisper calming words to her, just trying to get her away from those memories. Eventually, the moment passes, but Dani keeps her hand in mine. She even gives my hand a little squeeze, probably to silently thank me.
Sam speaks again, “I know you don't want to talk about it, Dani, but we should approach this subject now. I think you need to go back to your apartment... No, don't panic. I don't mean you should live there or even stay there. But you do need to go back and face it. Once you sell it, that's it. You can't ever go back. Your mind needs some closure to this situation and you'll never get that if you don't go back. I'd like you to just go into the apartment and take a walk around. Remember the good memories you have had in there. I'm sure you have some good memories you shared with Eli. Go in there thinking about those memories. You need to see that it's not how you imagine it. I'm sure you're thinking worst case and it'll be a crime scene still, but I assure you, it isn't. I think the reason you haven't decided what you're going to do about the place is because your subconscious is telling you to go back. I'm not saying you have to go today or tomorrow, but I want you to think about it. Ok?”
Dani nods, but she doesn't speak.
“Eli will be right there with you. You'll be safe. The people who attacked you are in prison. They can't get to you anymore...”
Dani scoffs at that and then she finds her voice, “If only you knew. For every person they lock up, there's probably a hundred more just like them out there. They're free, while I'm locked up in the chains of my own mind and my fear. Because of what they did, I'm a wreck. How is that fair? How is that right?”
This is not how Dani normally talks. I don't know where it's come from, but it's good. She's starting to look at it as their fault, not her's. She's also showing some feelings towards them; feelings of disgust and hate. She was too frightened to voice anything like this before. She's actually getting an opinion, something they never let her do.
Sam sighs, “It's not right and it's not fair. Unfortunately, it seems there's a lot more bad people in this world than good. It also seems like you have encountered far too many bad people in your life. I have no reasons for why or how it happened, and I'd be lying if I said I could find the people that hurt you. However, what I can do, is try to help you to find a peace with your life. I can help you to find the good things and teach you to focus on those. I can teach you to manage your fear and help you to not feel so imprisoned by your mind. But, I need you to work with me for that to happen. My professional advice is that you go and visit your apartment. You need that for the grieving process. You both need to face that together, because you both lost something that day.”
Sam's words make me wonder if Dani told her she's unable to have children. I don't have long to ponder this thought, as Sam speaks again.
“I like to think that you've become my friends over the last few months as well, and my advice as your friend, is the same as my professional advice. While you lost a bigger part of you that day Dani, Eli also lost a part of you as well. You both need to go back to that scene and go through the grieving process together. I'm sure you have lost more than you have felt comfortable discussing, Dani, and I appreciate it must be difficult to talk about it all. I just think you would both benefit greatly by getting some closure before you sell the house. Will you at least think about it?”
Dani nods and I say, “Yes ma'am.”
Sam turns her full stare on me as she says, “Don't think I haven't noticed how little you say, Elijah. I know we're here for Dani's sessions, but you can talk about your feelings on things as well, you know? I'm sure you have more to say on the matter than you let on...”
“No, I'm good, thanks.”
She narrows her eyes a little at me. I don't think she's trying to intimidate me, not that it would work anyway. I think she's just trying to figure me out. I don't need to talk to her about this stuff. I've got Dani to talk to. Besides, I get to train with my pops and Ash. I get to shoot things and I'm going to get a chance to make these scumbags pay. That's more coping mechanisms than Dani currently has. Although, I should probably get her back into the shooting range. She hasn't held a gun since the incident and she needs to get that familiarity back again, just in case things go south again. Our lives seem to throw us curve balls so we need to be prepared for the worst.
Sam finishes the session shortly after that. As she's seeing us out, she says, “You're doing so well, Dani. If there's anything you want to talk about, you can call me. I'll always make time to speak with you. I'll see you again on Monday.”
“Thank you.”
Dani is quiet on the way home. That's not unusual after a therapy session. It's like she's trying to process everything that happened. We're nearly back at my parents when she speaks.
“Eli?”
“Yes baby?”
“Do you think Sam is right?”
“About?”
“About me going back to the apartment.”
I sigh and think of how best to explain this. I do agree with Sam, but not at the expense of Dani having a melt down. I don't want anything to ruin what we've got right now.
“You want me to be honest?”
“Yes sir.”
“Yes, I think she's right. But, only you can know if you'll be able to handle it. I'll be right there and I'll give you as much support and protection as I possibly can, but I don't know if it'll be enough. I don't want you to go there if you think you're not going to be able to handle it. If you think it's going to ruin everything we've worked towards in the last few months, then I don't want you to risk that. I think it will help you, but you've got to be in the right frame of mind to be able to deal with it. Only you can know if you are in that place. For now, we don't have to do anything. They've approved the mortgage and we'll just make the payments on the new place. We'll manage for now, so don't feel like you have to rush into this decision. Waiting another month or two is not the end of the world. Ok?”
“Yeah.”
“Just think about it; that's all I'm asking.”
“I will. Eli?”
“Yes baby?”
She slowly reaches for my hand that is resting on my leg. She gets close to taking it in her's, but then she hesitates and starts to back off. It may be that it's because my hand is resting on my thigh, so I lift my arm and rest it on the the centre armrest. Dani reaches for my hand again, and this time she gently places her hand on top of mine.
She whispers, “I know I don't say it and I probably don't show it either, but.... you make me happier, Eli.”
I think my heart actually stops for a few seconds. My head snaps to face Dani, and then I remember I'm driving and I need to pay attention. The smile I'm sporting feels like my face might split because it's so huge.
“I'm glad I make you happier. I'm also glad you told me...”
My cellphone rings, interrupting our little moment. I glance at the screen and Tyler's name flashes up. I can't take the call while I'm driving. If it was for work, then I'd be able to get away with that, but not for a personal call.
I leave it to ring out and Dani asks, “Aren't you going to answer?”
“I can't while I'm driving.”
“Do you want me to get it?”
“It's Tyler. He can leave a message or call back later.”
“I can take a message. It's ok.”
My eyes raise in surprise at this. She's choosing to speak to Tyler voluntarily. This Dani is very different to the Dani I knew a few months ago.
I hand her my cell and she picks up, “Hello?”
Obviously, I don't hear Ty's part of the conversation, but I listen to Dani's half and try to guess what he's saying.
“No sir, it's Dani. Eli is driving right now....”
“It's ok, sir, honestly.”
I'm guessing Ty is apologizing again.
“Should I ask him to call you when he's back home? Oh, hang on, I'll just ask him.... Eli? Your brother wants to know if he can stop by tonight.”
“How late? We've got work in the morning.”
“He says in about 30 minutes?”
“Yeah, that should be fine. As long as you're ok with that, baby.”
I hear a chuckle leave Dani's mouth and then she quickly covers it with a cough.
“What did he say, Dani?”
If I know Tyler as well as I think I do, he made up some wisecrack.
“He called you darling...”
I shake my head and chuckle at his silly antics as I say, “Ty, I'll call you when I get back to mom and dad's.”
Dani says goodbye before hanging up and I shoot her a grin.
“What? Did I do something wrong?”
“No, not at all. Just amazed at how much you've changed. I like this new Dani.”
“A lot has changed in the last few months, hasn't it?”
“Definitely.”
I don't elaborate on that, because I don't want to spark any memories for Dani and also because we're back at my parent's house. My ma is cooking when we step in the door. Dani heads to the kitchen to give a hand, while I go to change into sweats and head to the gym. My pops has the same idea, because he's just warming up when I step into the room and we use the time before dinner to get in a training session.