Thursday morning, Gulf found himself seated on a comfortable couch in a dimly lit room, a scented candle in the corner calming his nerves and making him feel relaxed. There were a bunch of soft cushions on the couch and he ended up cuddling one, playing with the design to keep himself occupied.
"Do you know why you're here?"
The therapist, Dr Vin gently asked after 5 minutes of introducing himself and his credentials then five more minutes of assuring confidentiality of their conversation and trying to make Gulf feel comfortable. His voice was enchanting and so soothing. Even when he seemed like he was bragging about his accomplishments, Gulf somehow found comfort. That was the effect of his voice.
"Because I cut my wrist?" He answered hiding his wrist behind the cushion.
"Would you like to tell me why you did it?"
"It was the easiest choice I had."
"What was the hardest choice?"
Gulf gripped the cushion, anxious.
"It's ok. Take your time." The therapist smiled warmly, his eyes twinkling with understanding. Gulf felt safe.
"I had to choose."
"Choosing is really hard." The Dr Vin tried to relate. "What were the options?"
"My mother and a man."
"You couldn't have both?"
Gulf shook his head.
"Why not? I think that could've been the easiest choice."
"My mother would not have liked it." And this was Gulf's biggest worry.
"Did she tell you that?"
"No,"
"Then you should have asked her."
"She's dead." Gulf's eyes watered.
"I'm sorry to hear that. So how do you know she would've hated it?"
"A gay man broke her marriage." He sighed embarrassed.
"So you think your mother would hate it if you're gay?"
"Yes." Gulf was not hesitant.
"Because her marriage was ruined by a gay boy?" The dr asked for clarity.
"No. Because I got involved with the gay boy who ruined her marriage."
The doctor nodded now understanding the complexity of the matter, "was he your father's lover?"
Gulf nodded feeling uncomfortable.
"And by got involved do you mean a fling?"
Gulf shook his head and held his thigh, "I had sex with him and I think I have some kind of feelings towards him."
"Good feelings?"
Were they good feelings? He thought for a minute but he couldn't come up with a definite answer.
"I don't know."
"Would you like to explain the feelings?"
Gulf thought about the entanglement they had. "You know when you're poor and you see something you really want to have but you can't have it because you don't have money? That feeling."
Dr Vin thought about it. "Something that you need but something can't have?"
"Exactly!"
"Because of your mother?"
Gulf nodded.
"Mhmmmm" the doctor leaned back relaxed, "Mothers are the most unselfish people in the world. You would drive a dagger in her heart but she would be worried if you're not getting hurt by the the weapon. She would be worried about your happiness. Do you know who's the saddest person right now?"
Gulf shook his head.
"Your mother."
Gulf teared up.
"Because you're suffering and in pain. She'd be wishing you to find happiness even if it means being in love with a boy. That same boy."
Gulf shook his head in disagreement.
"Think about it real hard. Who has been your support system in your life. When you were not sure of what to do, who was there to guide you through. When you thought you made a bad decision, who was there to comfort you and tell you we all learn from our mistakes. Think about it."
And Gulf thought about it. Her mother smiling at him. Encouraging him. Supporting him. Comforting him. Cheering him. He searched hard for a moment when his mother was disappointed and he found none. Gulf's heart swelled with longing. His mother would've wanted him to be happy.
Her smiling face...
Gulf blinked,
Her smiling face....
Gulf shook his head trying to keep her smiling face in his memory but it wouldn't stay.
His mother's last moments flashed through his mind distorting her lovely smile he had captured in his head. Her crying face. He shivered as if he could feel her body getting cold. He remembered the nightmare of his mother's picture crying bloody tears.
He started hyperventilating.
The doctor noticed the sweat on his face and his hands shaking. The shortness of his breaths told him Gulf was having a panic attack. He quickly went to the other side of the table and pushed Gulf's head down between his legs, gently petting the back of his head.
"Shhhhhhhh," he softly consoled. "Breathe slowly." He started a breathing pattern and encouraged Gulf to breathe with him.
The tears that pooled between Gulf's legs was clear evidence of how much he was suffering.
That marked the end of the session. When Gulf returned to his ward, he was exhausted.
Emotionally.
Quensly walked in around lunch time.
"Hi sweety, heard you had your first session today how did it go?" He asked placing some food on the table and seating on the bed.
Gulf shook his head. He wasn't interested in retelling the story.
"It's ok. It's never easy. I remember when I first discovered I was gay, I punished myself. I starved myself and fainted. I wanted to be normal so bad but I just couldn't hide it. I liked wearing skirts and putting on a wig so I could have long hair. All my friends were having girl crushes but I was opposite." Quensly rambled and Gulf tried to seriously follow this story but something about it was not right.
"How old were you?" He asked with a raspy voice.
"I was 6 years old."
No wonder. Gulf thought.
"But you know what was even funny? Turned out I was the last one to know I was gay."
Gulf frowned. How could that be?
"My mannerism gave it away. I had a sassy attitude and the way I talked and walked was the confirmation."
Gulf gave a small smile. That sounded cute but that didn't compare to his story.
"I know it's a whole lot different, but the point is you need to be the one to accept yourself. Who cares what they think sweety you need yo love yourself. Who cares if you like to be pitched? It's the 21st century everyone is doing whatever."
The talk was going well until Quensly said, "hell your father is gay! What do you need to worry about. You have gay friends too so what's the issue honey?"
That was exactly the issue. That his father was Gay. That his friends were gay. That he could be gay. That was the issue.
"Is it because of your mother?"
Gulf tensed.
"She's not here anymore and she won't even know."
Gulf glared at him not approving.
"I'm not religious, hell im not even spiritual. I believe if a person dies they're gone whoosh their ass got sweeped from earth. They're gone gone, Dead! Ofcourse I respect God and his angels but that's not the point. I hate that people want to assume what the dead are thinking. Like they are literally not thinking they're minds are not working anymore so why are you putting your words in a dead person's mouth?"
Gulf cleared his throat uncomfortable.
Quensly realized then that Gulf looked mad.
"I'm sorry I'm being straightforward but you need to know something. Live your life to the fullest. Then die. If you die it's only then that you'll find out if there's a thing as reunion of souls. You might be killing yourself with guilt and all the self hate when you only have one life. If you die that's it. You lived your own. If you're lucky to be reincarnated you'll be born again as a female dog and you can be the bitch you so badly wanted to be in your previous life."