Astra sat up while the silken bed sheet covered her legs. She looked behind her and saw him staring at her.
"Did you enjoy the party?" He asks.
"It was marvelous." She answers.
"You are a terrible dancer." He teased. Astra scoffed, "I can assure you, that was all you. I have danced a thousand times on the balls of my parents." He raised his eyebrows, "I have done lots more, do you know the queen gives this ball every year."
Astra was curious about who he danced with then, she was sorry for that person.
"I guess you liked the evening better?"
He was mocking again, he became rather comfortable with Astra. Yes, she liked what had happened but he has the wrong ideas now. She has to make it clear that she isn't won over 'cause of one good evening.
Astra turned around so the silk slipped over her back and crawled towards the Darkling. She was close, but he didn't mind.
"I liked the evening, indeed. This may happen more often, or not. But, I still don't like you. I won't worship you out of the sudden, and my choice is still option one; destroying the Fold."
His smirk stayed but his eyes rolled to the other side. Astra took her clothes and quickly dressed. She knew his eyes had followed her out and he had the same smile as her, copied on his lips.
She left the room, and what happened there with it. It'd happened fast, but it would take a lot of time to forget. Would she try to forget? Obviously. Would she do her best to do so? Obviously not.
Astra had a few reasons for defying him, for denying what happened and what could happen.
Astra, first of all, only met him because he kidnapped her. And maybe that feeling of freedom made it up a bit, but never completely. Astra didn't (and would never) have the feeling of free will around him, just because she came here without.
The next reasons are his opinions. Everyone is allowed to have them, so horrible people too. He sees people as pawns in a much bigger game. He thinks his opinions (and only his opinions) are relevant. He doesn't (and will never) listen to someone else's opinions, not even when they're better. And if he does, he will change his opinion so it would stay his opinion even though it was someone else's.
Other reasons are his manipulation, his abuse of others, and his so-called mercy.
Astra knew she wasn't a hero, wasn't a savior. And maybe people would think she is because she was good for solving one thing, but Astra knew she was just a person, 'a pawn' in other people's lives.
And she came to the conclusion that the Darkling is too, 'a pawn', he's not a villain, people would just call him that in their heads like they would call Astra a hero. They would have a hero and a villain just because then their life was not meaningless, it would mean their lives are stories. And people do love stories!
Astra had not walked far when she spotted a wide grin of Dusk on the other side of the hall. He had seen her leaving the Darkling's chambers and so forgetting wouldn't be in it. Dusk walked towards her and his smile kept widening.
"My dearest Astra! So that is what we are doing on a morning like this."
No excuse possible, she would have said that she had to give him a message or bring some tea but; she still had her shoes in her hand, her hair was messy, and her kefta couldn't stay in place.
"You're the opposite of your father, aren't you?" Dusk asked with a smile still shining on his face.
"Yeah, I guess. How do you know my father?" Astra answered. "Ow, when I was younger he came here all the time. He worked together with the Darkling you see." Astra froze even more and looked right into the eyes of Dusk.
"He did what?"
Dusk laughed, "Yeah isn't that why you didn't go find him?" Astra shook her head. "He's alive?" She managed to get out.
"Astra are you okay? You look horrible all of a sudden." Dusk looked worrying but Astra couldn't care less at the moment. "I'm fine! Answer the question Dusk." Dusk backed a bit off but did what she asked.
"After the Fold, he demanded to see the Darkling, or so I've heard. He apparently came out of the council room with a bag of gold and departed with an angry sneer on his face."
Astra's stomach gave a twist. "Where is he."
"Not so far, I think. He came back two years ago or so and got another bag of gold. I assume he lives in Os Alta." It stayed quiet for a while, Astra was drowning in her thoughts and Dusk was trying to remember something else that could help.
"Oh, I remember something. A soldier from the first army that came here too walked with your father towards his house. I think he was something like a personal guard."
Astra looked up, she would need to find that soldier. "What's the soldier's name?" She asked. "Greg, I presume, or so your father called him."
Astra thanked Dusk for his help and ran towards her chamber. She closed the door and crawled down. Her arms pulled her knees to her chest and her head laid upon them.
Astra didn't know what to do, what to feel. Was she supposed to cry? Maybe cry of happiness that her father was alive. Was she supposed to be angry with the Darkling for not telling her? But then, if her father wanted to be with her, he would have visited.
Astra tilted up her head and looked over her messy room. Multiple Kefta's laid spread over the floor together with underwear, socks, and the first army outfit she hadn't washed yet. Dishes laid everywhere from the times she requested to eat in her room.
A few books were placed around her bath so she could read them while bathing. Under the books lay even more dishes.
This was something to cry about, how far she would have let this come. Astra got up and began cleaning up, it was good for her mind. She began by putting everything on the ground on her bed.
Her father had survived, why doesn't she feel excited or happy, why does she have this awful stomach pain?
When everything laid on the bed she took a basket and threw all the dirty clothing in it.
If she would find him, what would she say? He will not like the fact that she lives like- like this. A Grisha, the worst kind, spoiled and healthy.
He would be happy she survived, right?
She could see her floor and bed again, she tightened her bedsheets and walked over to the bathroom. There she took the books and put them away in the bookshelves. The dishes she placed with the others in the room.
She could at least visit him, maybe if he does want to be with her they could start over. If he doesn't she'll know and wouldn't have these thousand questions in her head.
Finally, things were going right here and she would run away again. If she goes she must make clear to the Darkling that she will return -maybe- and that she left for personal reasons. She hoped it would stop him.
The rooms looked much better and she took off her silk kefta and left it on the ground, she knew she wouldn't be able to keep it clean anyway.
She relaxed on her bed while planning her new journey. Because of the winter ball, there would still be some first army officers, she could ask them about Greg.
Later when she knew what he looked like, she could ask around in Os Alta for him. She would not go as Astra Éowyn, the new Darkling; she would go as a first army soldier with the uniform that would now be washed with her other dirty clothes.
Before she would leave, she would write a note. She would not promise to come back but mislead the Darkling into thinking so. She would explain enough for him to understand but too little for him to act.
When everything was ready in her head, she would make herself ready to sleep. She was planning to run away in the evening; not too late so people were awake, but not too early so people didn't suspect. So she could now take a good night of sleep, dream about the following consequences and all the possible outcomes.
***
She prepared herself, prepared herself after a good rest. She had packed the fresh first army uniform in a small backpack. She talked to the officers and they were useless. Her plan had already failed, but she wouldn't give up. Nobody remembered Greg, they suspected some peasants would.
Astra thanked them anyway and fastly wrote the note before she would depart the palace. She was nervous when she was walking away from her chamber, thinking everything over again. Reading the note over and over again in her head.
The worst thing that could happen was she was caught again. Never mind, the worst thing that could happen was her being recognized and murdered or something.
Because the officers had been of no use, she had called Dusk and asked him to go with her. After a lot of convincing, he felt guilty for telling her and making her worry so he agreed.
Together they walked towards the gate. The key was confidence. People are less likely to trust you when you're nervous. Astra and Dusk walked past the guards, one of them stopped them and she told a simple lie. The guard let them go and they would be walking towards some unexpected things.
She didn't have a plan for what to do when she eventually found her father. Hug him, maybe? But Astra kept walking and Dusk kept following in silence, impulsive decisions were sometimes important decisions.
She would meet her father, and it made her damn happy in any way.