The last four weeks have been awful. It's not because of living with the boys again. They are the only thing making me sane right now. The only reason I have been able to wake up every morning. Even though being awake is like living in a constant nightmare.
I go to sleep at night in either Liam and Zayn's or Louis and Harry's room. The thought of being alone in a dark room leaves me heaving for breath with salty tears soaking my clothes.
They say it's alright, but I feel like they're going to get tired of me and how broken I am. They're going to get tired of the times I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, but when I try to remember why, it's just blank.
I have a three-day hole in my memory. I can't recall a single thing that happened during the time I was gone.
I was gone for three full days and I can't remember a single thing. The one thing I do know, is that dark rooms bring horrible things.
Why else would I be petrified of them?
So I don't sleep alone anymore.
The meeting on the third was practically just Simon making sure we knew how serious he was about needing demos for the next album by the end of May.
He was sat behind the desk I know for a fact Harry had dragged him over when Louis was hurt, with that smug look plastered on his face. The look that said, 'I won. You lost. And there's nothing you can do about it.'
It had taken everything in me not to bolt when I saw those cold eyes and way too bright teeth. My heart had sped up so much it felt like it was about to hop out of my chest. My breath had hitched in my throat that felt like it was constricting to the point of struggling to breathe.
I had my fists clenched hard enough to break the skin and bit the inside of my cheek until the metallic taste of blood filled my mouth.
It helped me keep my emotions at bay until they vanished completely half-way through the meeting. I had gone completely numb.
Suddenly I didn't feel like I was going to die when Simon set his eyes on me. Instead, I felt nothing. The hole that's in my memory had formed in my chest too. A dark, cold, empty hole of nothingness.
Ever since that interview we've been working non-stop on getting our demos ready. Which was easier said than done when we have to put at least 16 songs on the album.
I've never had problems with putting my thoughts and emotions down on paper. But I've been completely blocked off.
We almost have 18 demos ready. And we have six days left until they need to be pretty much polished and ready to be recorded in a studio to be released.
But I haven't written on any of them. Not the lyrics, anyway.
When we started out with writing the album, we fell back to the way it was in One Direction instantly.
It worked for about a week. Until Louis pointed out that Zayn had been writing a lot but never showed us anything.
Zayn had denied it at first, not wanting to talk about it at all. In fact, he up and left the room when Louis tried to push. Liam had to spend ten minutes to convince him to just to get his butt back in the room. Another couple of days was needed until he actually explained why he reacted the way he did.
It left us in tears from hearing how difficult it was for Zayn when he never got his songs on the albums back in the band. How much he struggled to get confidence in his writing again when he started making solo music.
Every time we rehash things that hurt from the five years we spent pretty much every day together. Making music, touring and going from stranger to brothers, some more. I don't think we've even covered a fifth of the stuff that was going on.
I know for a fact I still have a lot of stuff I haven't talked about, so why wouldn't the others have too?
That was only five years of our lives. Now we're stuck in the same situation for ten years? I can just hope that we can handle it better this time around. We're adults now, not just kids who were put together at random.
I pray that the ten years we've already lived in the spotlight is going to give us the advantage we would have needed the last time around.
Which brings me to where I am now.
I take a deep breath as I step out of the car, ignoring my phone ringing as I turn Liam's call on silent.
"Stupid, fucking, dumb, arse, legs.", I curse my legs out when I nearly trip over my own feet before letting my eyes swipe over the tall building in front of me.
I am so fucking stupid. Why am I doing this?
"You need answers, that's why, you idiot."
I must sound like a crazy person walking through the doors of Modest talking to myself. But it's either sounding crazy or backing down. And I am done backing down.
I try not to cringe as I wait for the elevator doors to open, fiddling with the watch hugging my left wrist. The smooth leather somehow bringing me comfort under these way too bright lights.
"Is Simon in today?", the blonde lady working behind the front desk looks up from her nails, eyes going wide with recognition.
She must be new. I just hope she's professional enough to just do her job. I don't have the energy for it right now.
"Yes. He's got a meeting in 20 minutes, but he should be in his office right now, Mr Horan.", she says in a perky voice.
"Thanks.", I squint to read her name tag, "Laura. Have a nice day."
"You too, Mr Horan.", she calls after me as I force my feet to move across the floor to Simon's office.
God. Mr Horan makes me feel really fucking old.
I fling his door open without knocking, figuring he doesn't deserve the respect of a warning after whatever he did to me.
Zayn
I swear Liam is about to call the police on Niall.
He's only been out for two hours. I can't say I'm not worried myself, but maybe the man just needed some time for himself outside of this house.
We've all pretty much been holed up here for a month now.
"What if he's gone again, Zayn. What if this time, we never get him back?", Liam starts panicking, his voice strained from emotion.
I grab his wrists to stop him from pulling at his roots, "Hey, hey. Li, babe. Look at me.", I plead.
"He'll be alright, ok? Maybe he just wanted to go out. Get some inspiration for whatever he needs it for. Maybe he just needed to be alone for a bit.", I murmur as confidently as I can, cradling Liam's body to mine when his legs give out.
"Promise?", Liam sniffles weakly into my chest.
My heart breaks for him, but I try to sound as optimistic as possible, "I promise, love.", hooking my pinkie around his.
My butt hurts from how hard the floor is, and my shirt is soaked, but I couldn't care less. I'd take a bullet for the man crying in my arms.
I press my lips to his temple, trying to ignore he butterflies swarming in my tummy. Not the time for lovesick puppy feelings.
"What's wrong with him?"
Harry sits down next to me, placing a comforting hand on Liam's arm. "Is it Niall?", he makes sure Liam can't hear it, probably to ensure that he doesn't get more freaked out about it.
"Yeah. He's worried about him. And with good reason. But is this really how it's going to be?", I ask hopelessly, still trying to keep my voice low enough, "Are we going to panic every time we don't know where someone is and expect the worst?"
"It'll be ok, Zayn. We should probably all go to therapy or something, find out what's wrong with us.", Liam croaks from my lap, readjusting himself so his head resting on top of my thighs.
"I'm sorry, Liam. I didn't mean for you to hear that."
Liam squeezes my arm to make me shut up, "I have ears, you know.", he says light-heartedly.
Harry lets out a chuckle, "You two are honestly just adorable."
"Says Mr Stylinson.", I snort, giving him a light shove.
I don't see him fall over, too focused on the way Liam's lips curve up in a smile that makes his soft eyes crinkle. But I do hear the light thud as he meets the floor.
"I hate you, Zayn.", Harry laughs, sitting back up.
Niall
I smack the door shut as I press the start button, hearing the engine roar to life.
"That went well.", I mutter as I step on the gas pedal.
Simon was a complete dick. I tried for longer than necessary to get a proper word out of him, but nothing.
I thought I would get to go back home with answers. But now I don't know what to do. My phone has been buzzing non-stop in my pocket.
I never meant for the boys to worry, but if I had told them where I was going, they would have insisted on coming with me. They would have come with me even if I was just going to buy some razors at the grocery store.
I love that they care so much. I love them, but I needed to do this on my own.
I watch the buildings and people fly past the windows of my car as I speed down the busy streets of London, not giving a shit about the speed limit.
Louis tried to make me weed cookies and brownies a little while ago. The man even stole the drugs from Zayn. Which he was not happy about at all.
Liam tries to talk to me about what happened. But there is nothing to talk about. I can't remember a thing.
Harry tries to cheer me up with making delicious meals or cracking jokes. I smile and eat to make him happy, but it's hollow. I know he knows it is, but he pretends too.
Zayn sits there with me. When I sit somewhere just staring into nothingness thinking about nothing and everything, Zayn will just sit next to me. Let me know he's there and I'm not alone.
They do all these things to try to make me feel better. And I don't deserve it. I don't know if I'll ever be Niall again and not the shell of a man I've been ever since it happened.
The ride back home is way too short as the gate comes into view.
My throat goes dry as I punch in the code and try to figure out what to say I was doing for two hours.
Before I even have the chonce (😉) step out of the car, the front door swings open and a pissed and relived looking Zayn is walking quickly over to where I parked.
"Where have you been? We were worried sick?", Zayn demands, sounding like he both wants to kill me and hug the living shit out of me.
"I'm sorry.", I put my hands out in surrender, "I went out to see...if there was a tattoo shop with some designs I wanted."
Stupid, fucking idiot. I don't want a tattoo. And if I did, I would never plan it to THIS extent.
Zayn raises a dark eyebrow, "You want a tattoo?", his voice is laced with disbelief.
I swallow hard before nodding, "Yes. I want my initials on my arse."
I what, now??
-
Hey!
Should Niall go through with the tattoo?
How are you guys doing?
I hope you liked the chapter and are taking care of yourselves.
TPWK
Love you!!!!!!
Emily xx
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