WARNING: character death.
I'm sorry
> > > >
SPRING, 2019
When I'll see you soons turn into goodbyes.
It was cold in the waiting room.
The abrasive white lighting only succeeded in making his headache worse- pushing against his temples, spreading through his skull. He squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a shaky breath.
He felt like he was dying.
And he wished that he was.
The older man beside him huffed as he fingered the rip in the cushion of the chair he was seated on. His phone was resting on his thigh, screen facing upward. He tapped at the glass, glancing at the device as it lit up.
10:58 A.M.
He sighed, returning his gaze to the rip in the chair. He twirled his finger around the frayed edge, tugging on the long blue string. His headphone wire swayed in between his legs, the faint sound of the music reaching the ears of the man next to him.
It sounded like Wonderwall. Harry took a glance toward him, no words spoken between them. It was almost always silent when he was alone with Zayn.
Zayn looked up from the chair at Harry, as if he could feel the lingering gaze, raising his eyebrows. He shook his head in defeat, tapping his phone screen once more, watching as the blackness disappeared.
11:00 A.M.
They saw her dirty high top Converse first. "Visiting hours have begun," the woman said. The pair looked forward toward the new voice, coming face to face with Louis' half sister, who appeared as if she had not slept in weeks. Her oversized sweater, that Harry was sure belonged to her father, went down to her knees, pooling at his wrists. She had not had the time to re-bleach her hair over the past few months, so her roots were coming in strong. Two haphazardly done braids hung over her shoulders as sad, tired eyes stared back at the two men. She nodded toward the area she had come from, holding a styrofoam cup to her chest as the men stood up from the old waiting room chairs.
It was a quiet morning. The trio walked down the long, artificially lit hallway, the only sounds being the scuff of their shoes against the linoleum, distant beeping, and the rustle of papers as the nurses passed by.
"You know... you don't have to get here at 11:00 A.M. on the dot every day, right?" Lottie spoke up, glancing behind her as the three of them got into the elevator at the end of the hall. She pressed the number "4", watching as the steel doors closed slowly.
"I don't... I get here at 10," Zayn replied, not making eye contact as he removed his headphones, placing the wired accessory into the pocket of his ripped blue jeans.
Lottie sighed, taking a slow slip of her coffee as she hugged her free arm across her chest. She looked over to Harry who was standing in the corner of the elevator in hopes of a response, but he did not give one.
"Alright," she whispered when the elevator doors parted on the fourth floor. She quickly exited the enclosure, shuffling down the hallway with her head bowed. The two men followed close behind in silence, keeping distance between them.
This was a walk they have done almost every day since the end of December, like clockwork.
9:00 A.M.- Wake up
9:10 A.M.- Shower
9:45 A.M.- Leave for the hospital
10:15 A.M.- Arrive at the hospital
10:25 A.M.- Check in
10:30 A.M.- Grab a coffee at Costa Coffee and sit in the waiting area
11:00 A.M.- Visiting hours begin, and Lottie comes to bring them up to Louis' room
Harry never liked a routine.
Once inside the small hospital room, Harry immediately moved to stand next to Louis' bed, looking down at the frail boy below him.
He was beginning to get accustomed to the repetitive beep of the heart monitor. Every night, when he closed his eyes, he prayed that the beeping would not falter, continuing on for days to come. Because the dull signal meant that Louis was still alive.
"Hello Zayn, Harry," Mark said from the uncomfortable plastic chair in the corner by Louis' bed as he reached a hand out to brush the boy's thin hair from his face. The teen shifted slightly, but his breath remained steady, and his eyes stayed shut.
"Morning," Zayn muttered, nodding at the man as he moved next to Harry. "I guess I should bring more flowers," he sighed, gently rubbing his finger across a petal of one of the wilting roses.
"He loves them... the flowers," Lottie said as she sat in the chair beside her father. "He woke up for about an hour after you left yesterday, he said the red is very pretty."
The petal broke off, landing softly in Zayn's waiting hand.
Harry crouched down to grab Louis' stuffed hedgehog, Happy, who had found residence on the cold, tile floor below. He dusted the animal off and placed him next to the sleeping boy on the stiff white bedding, letting out a breath.
It was raining outside. The low hum of the downpour caressed the small window. The gloomy spring weather matched their moods. To keep safe during the storm, the sun hid behind the vicious clouds, sleeping soundly as the rain blanketed the streets. Her rest would only be short lived, however, since she will be up bright and early tomorrow to light up the morning sky.
If only the day had the same plans for Louis.
"Mister Tomlinson?" Said a man from the doorway. Harry glanced over at the doctor, narrowing his eyes. His white coat seemed a bit tight on him, and his hair was noticeably messy. His teeth were too white, and his shoes were too new. He was overly confident for a man who has not succeeded in curing his best friend.
Mark stood up at the doctor's call, weaving his way through the crowd and the abundance of toys and gifts Louis had managed to accumulate in the quaint room.
The pair closed the door behind them as the ventilator whined.
Minutes passed by slowly, with no return of the two men. Harry had moved one of the extra chairs to the other side of Louis' bed, taking the boy's frail hand within his own. Louis' skin, once tanned and full of childhood cheer, resembled the dull color of the bedding beneath him.
Harry could not stand the silence any longer.
"I... I think I, uh, lost my phone in the waiting room," he spoke up, tapping his front pocket. "I, erm, should go get it, I guess. I'm going to grab another cuppa while I'm down there, do you, um, want anything?"
Zayn shook his head without sparing Harry a glance.
Lottie shook her head as well, looking up at the man. "I'm alright, thank you. We're not going anywhere."
Harry nodded, gently releasing Louis' dainty hand. "I'll be right, boo." He stood up slowly, bones cracking as he placed his jacket on the chair. He advanced to the exit, opening the door to the hall.
At the close sound of voices, he stopped in his tracks, turning to the sound.
"Mister Tomlinson... again, I am so sorry. No father likes to hear that their son is sick. Louis' leukemia is worsening, and there is not much more we can do. It is too late to start any type of chemotherapy, the cancer has spread too quickly. I wish we had found it sooner, but wishing will not bring us back. I'm surprised none of his previous doctors scanned for the possibility after his birth father passed from the same sickness, as no tests are in his file. Again, I am terribly sorry. I fear that Louis does not have much more time, at the most, two weeks," the doctor said, resting a comforting hand on Mark's shoulder. "It is for the best that you begin-"
"No!" Harry wailed, his eyes rapidly glazing over as the words sunk in.
The men turned to Harry. "I'm sorry," Doctor Newman said.
"No!" Harry repeated, voice hoarse. After almost weeks of nothing, a single tear slipped down his cheek. "No," he whimpered, moving to get into the doctor's face. "You! It's your fucking job to save him, and you are letting him die! Fuck you!" He screeched at the man, who barely flinched. This was not the first time in his career, or even the first time today, that he had to deliver this type of news to a family, so he is no stranger to the anger it brings along. Mark gasped, going to move the teenager away from the doctor, but Harry had already turned around, rushing down the hall.
At the commotion, Lottie and Zayn moved to the threshold Harry once stood in, meeting the sad eyes of Mark and Doctor Newman.
Mark let out an unsteady breath as he cried, wiping the tears from his eyes. He looked to his daughter, unable to keep her from the horrible news. "I'm so sorry, Troy," is all he said. Lottie frowned, moving in to hug her father.
Zayn sighed, sliding by them. With one more glance at the grieving family, he turned to follow Harry out of the hospital.
He found the younger one outside rather quickly, sitting underneath the mist of rain. His head was lowered, and his legs pulled to his chest as he sobbed.
Zayn exhaled, rubbing his temples. He looked up to the angry sky above before lifting the hood of his jacket to conceal his body from her flood. He moved out from under the stone awning, blinking quickly under the weight of the sky. Zayn walked up to Harry, sitting down next to him on the wet concrete.
Neither of them said anything for a moment, silence lingering within the breeze. Harry soon looked up from his shoes, blinking at Zayn. He sniffled, "we're gonna lose him," he said weakly.
A tear mixed with the rain on Zayn's cheek, then another, and another. He hugged his jacket closer, then looked out at the parking lot.
"I remember when I first met him," He began, "ran his way into my shop and into my heart. I had known Lottie for a while, since we were tots, but I never met Louis. I found out that Lottie had a half brother shortly after Mark adopted him, but that was it, besides Lottie telling me she was moving out of Donny for it to be "safer" for said brother. Lottie and I didn't talk a whole lot after she moved, other than in passing at school. After I graduated, we texted a bit, and she told me that her brother, Louis, would love to meet me. I didn't think I'd meet him that day. All I knew that day was that someone had come into my shop, and as an employee- and son of the owner- I obviously needed to get my head out of my sketchbook and go greet them. I found him cuddling up to Cheddar. A kid, I thought, wouldn't be the first kid to walk by the shop and get excited over the kittens. I then saw Lottie, and realized I was looking at her brother. He was so sweet, curious. I was... a tad confused, because I could've sworn he was older than her... so like... why is he on the floor talking like a child? But... I just... like had this immediate feeling that I had to protect him... like the little brother I always wanted." Zayn tugged on the zipper of his coat, looking at Harry. "Afterall, I don't mind a mate who loves the kittens as much as me," he chuckled, "plus, Cheddar adores him." He paused for a moment. "Lottie told me about his condition that day, of course. She was thankful I was so kind to Louis without knowing all about him," he nodded. "It was easy. Louis is a great kid."
"I held him when he was just a baby," Harry whispered between sobs, sniffling. "I don't remember... I was so young, but my mum told me. He was... so tiny. She said I was terrified. There was this moving creature in my hands and I had like... no idea what to do. She said I started to cry as Louis grabbed onto my shirt, making him cry. Said it was like we were having a contest of who could cry louder." He let out a wet laugh. "He's my best friend. I... was so fucking stupid, I am fucking stupid. I walked out of his life because... because of fucking Robin. God! The... the beatings... the words, they left a mark. One I wanted nothing more than to go away. I thought... maybe they would go away if Louis did. At the time, I was insistent that Louis was the cause of this. If I hadn't known Louis, I wouldn't have had a crush on him, without the crush, I wouldn't have told my parents, and Robin wouldn't have tried to beat the gay out of me. I...I was 12, and I hated myself, I hated Louis. It was his fault... but it wasn't, it never was. I needed someone to let my anger out on, someone that wasn't behind bars and I chose my best friend," he whimpered, resting his head in his hands. He tugged at his hair, another tear escaping. "... my best friend."
It was quiet for a few minutes, besides the rain around them. The wind whispered to the raindrops, and the clouds hugged each other close, as they all listened to the tragedy of childhood love.
"I'm sorry," Zayn began, placing his hand on Harry's shoulder. The position the two were in was rather awkward, but he continued, "that you went through that. No one deserves to be hurt in such a way. I've... I've been a little harsh on you, overall... from what happened with Sarah, to Louis. I apologize."
Harry nodded, rubbing his nose. "Thank you. And, I'm sorry, too," he replied, looking toward Zayn once more. "Thank you for being an amazing friend to Louis when I wasn't."
Zayn smiled weakly, pushing his hair away from his eyes. "Don't apologize to me, apologize to Louis. It's long overdue," he spoke, standing up. He groaned at the wetness soaking him, clutching his jacket. "Coming back up?"
Behind them, a couple scrambled out, one being pushed in a wheelchair. "I've always wanted to do this," laughed the one in the wheelchair as she looked over her shoulder at the hospital entrance.
"I know you have," replied the other, grinning down at the girl in front of him. He began to dance around under the downpour, laughing loudly. He grabbed onto the girl's arms, swaying them to a beat only they heard.
"Thank you," she said, and the man nodded, smiling brightly at her.
Young love blossomed under the weight of the spring shower.
Harry watched them for a moment, before turning to the parking lot, shaking his head. "I... think I'm going to go home. I can't face them right now. I almost punched Louis' doctor," he laughed, shaking his head once more. "Tell them that... I'm sorry. Give Lottie a hug for me."
"Hey! You two shouldn't be out here! Lina, honey, obviously, I would notice if you left," a nurse yelled in a rush as she, too, stepped into the rain. "Let's go... inside, before you get sick!"
The boy laughed, pushing the girl back under the safety of the awning. "Sorry, Nurse Bethany."
"I already am sick, Nurse Bethany," Lina smiled at her, winking.
The nurse sighed, shaking her head as she led them inside. "The rebellion of young love." She said, before the three were gone.
"Will do, Styles."
And with that, Zayn departed, leaving Harry alone underneath the tears of the sky.
• • •
It took Harry a few days to regain the courage to see Louis again. The fear of watching Louis' life painstakingly wash away was enough to keep him up at night.
He knew that he had to go.
There was a part of him that thought it would be best to not see Louis again, to remember him how he once was, not how he is now- cold, weak... dying.
His best friend is slipping through his fingers once again, and this time he can not fix it.
He got into his old car that afternoon and sighed, turning the machine on. He plugged his phone in and opened Spotify, selecting one of his many playlists. The one he chose for today's drive- the one that he usually listens to on his way to the hospital- is titled "Lou." As the music flowed, he began to drive under the soft glow of the spring sun. Louis had always loved when Harry would put on music, claiming that every song that left the speaker was "his favorite", so Harry composed a playlist for him with some of the best.
Lottie told him that she puts the playlist on every night for Louis while he is sleeping.
He made his way to the elevator in silence, listening to the hustle and bustle of the emergency room around him. With the ding, Harry stepped out onto the fourth floor, walking until he reached Louis' room, "414".
He stood outside the closed door for a moment as he took a deep breath, readying himself for the words he had to speak, before stepping inside.
The door shut quietly behind him, and Harry could not help the sad smile that graced his lips when Louis turned his head toward the new guest.
"'Azzie," he whispered, a smile on his own chapped lips. "Lou missed," Louis added, voice fragile and hoarse. "Hi."
"Hi, boo," Harry breathed, moving forward into the room until his knees hit the corner of the meager hospital bed. He placed his hand on the cold railing, gripping it tightly to stop himself from collapsing.
It is hard seeing someone once so full of life on the brink of his end.
Louis lifted his hand slowly, reaching up to Harry. "Cuddle?"
Harry blinked quickly, taking hold of the offered hand. Despite the three others in the room, he could only hear and see Louis. Louis is all that matters right now.
Louis is all that should have ever mattered.
He refuses to make the mistake again of not showing Louis how much he means to him.
"Hurts, 'Azzie," Louis whimpered after taking a heavy breath. His thin fingers gripped onto Harry's larger ones, as he looked up at the older with tired eyes.
Harry blinked again, sniffling as a tear slipped down his cheek. "Lou..." he began, crouching down to be eye-level with his best mate, keeping the boy's hand in his own. "I'm so... so sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I've been a horrible friend. I let bad people pull you away from me... I walked with them when I should've ran back to you. I was scared. I was stupid. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, I'm sorry I broke my promises. I still have Peter, from when you gave him to me years ago. I tried to forget you, Lou, but I couldn't, I just fucking couldn't. I'm so, so sorry, blue. Thank you for being my best mate," he said, trying to stay composed the best he could as sobs shook through him. Tears were rushing down his cheeks now. Each one seemed to be playing a game with the others, a race as to which can fall the fastest. A race that continued and continued as they waited for a winner. "I promise, you will always be in my heart, Lou. I will never leave you again, and that is a promise I will never break."
Louis gigglied weakly, tilting his head. "T'ank you," he replied. He removed his hand from Harry's and placed his palm on Harry's flushed cheek, grabbing hold of a curl from the man's head. "Love 'Azzie."
"I love you too, Louis."
"... That me," Louis smiled before he began to cough. This coughing quickly turned into him trying to catch his breath. He whined in the back of his throat, wiggling around as if he was attempting to sit up.
Harry gasped, and Mark moved in, placing his hand on Louis' back and changing his position. "It's okay, bunny, deep breaths for me. It's okay," said his father.
Louis whimpered, coughing again. "Sleepy, pa," he spoke, eyes fluttering. "Go bed now?"
Harry glanced back at Lottie and Zayn, who had moved from their position in the corner of the room to the bottom edge of Louis' bed. The three looked worriedly at Louis, frozen in fear as the boy struggled to breathe properly through the tubes of the ventilator.
The heart monitor picked up, it's deafening beeping filling the small room quickly. The sound travelled into the hallway. This rapid spread caused hospital personnel to rush in, telling the guests to step away. Mark refused the demand as Doctor Newman followed in behind the nurses. "This is my fucking son, I will stay right here!" He snapped. The attendants chose not to fight, focusing on checking Louis' vitals and allowing the father to stay beside his sick child.
"Louis," Mark cried, holding Louis' hand tightly.
Louis fussed at the movement around him, shaking his head quickly. "'Azzie?" He whined, turning his body in an attempt to see where his Hazzie had gone off to. "I miss." His voice was quiet, scratching at his throat.
Harry moved closer, dodging the nurses as they tried to keep him back.
He had to be there for Louis... until his very last breath.
"Mister Tomlinson... I-" Doctor Newman said, glancing up. "I'm sorry."
Mark nodded, taking a shaky breath as he kept his eyes on the confused boy below him. He'll never understand what has happened to him. "Louis... bunny, guess what? You are going to go visit your mummy and daddy," he spoke, trying to keep his voice calm.
Louis looked back at him, a smile ghosting on his lips. As the words registered, his smile grew. "Miss dadhee," he murmured. "Come with? Pa? 'Azzie? Zee? Lot? See dadhee with Lou?"
Mark shook his head, his face red with tears. "No, Lou."
"Why not?"
Mark choked out a sob, covering his mouth with his free hand. He did all he could, but it is time for Troy to take care of Louis once again. Mark glanced at his daughter, who was just as much of a mess as him. She turned to Zayn, collapsing into his arms as she cried.
Louis sucked in a breath, whimpering as he pawed at his throat. His eyes fluttered again, and he gripped Mark's hand, pale skin turning ghost white. "Go see dahdee ri' now?
"Yeah... blue," Harry said softly, voice cracking in between the words.
"See... you soon..." the boy breathed before his eyes closed and the heart monitor cried out in agony.
"I'll see you soon, Lou." Harry whispered. "We'll see you soon."
• • •
EARLY SUMMER, 2035
"We'll be a fine line, we'll be alright."
-Harry Styles, Fine Line
"Alrighty! I think that's it! We did it, bud!" The man said, laughing as he placed the final cardboard box on the ground, dramatically wiping his forehead.
The other laughed as well, repeating the action after he dropped his small bag on the ground. "We did it!"
The man moved to the boy, picking him up and placing him on his hip. "I think this calls for a celebration, hm? To our new home!"
"To our new home!" The younger one echoed, leaning his head back toward the ceiling as he smiled.
After an ice cream filled celebration, the pair sat together on the plush carpet of their new living area. A soft song flowed through the space from the yellow record player as the summer night welcomed herself into the sky. A gray cat rushed around the items littering the floor, tossing around a rolled up ball of paper.
The older one rummaged through one of the brown boxes, humming to the music as he placed things strategically on the floor as he sorted through them.
One thing from within the box caught the other's eye, however. Full of curiosity, the boy picked up the shiny glass and looked into it, sloppily painted nail-varnish covered fingers gripping the wooden encasing. "Is this you, papa?" He asked, pointing to the curly-haired boy in the old picture.
A smile grew on Harry's face as he looked at the picture, nodding his head. "Yeah, bud, that's me, when I was just a tad older than you."
The boy giggled. "And who is that?" Standing in front of a young Harry was a shorter boy with fluffy caramel hair, radiant blue eyes, and a flower crown atop his head. In his hands was a stuffed bunny rabbit, along with a piece of paper with a drawing that the smaller boy had facing the camera. On the paper was a sloppy drawing of two figures with a pink heart around them. The boy's crooked teeth were bright as he smiled, showing off the work in his hands, and Harry's smile matched.
"Well... that right there is my best friend," Harry began, taking the frame and looking at the image closer, "Louis." he said softly, brushing his finger across the glass.
The child gasped, wide eyes glancing up at his father. "Louis? Like me? That's my name, papa!" He giggled, shoving his finger on the frame to point at the Louis trapped in the picture. "Is he named after me?"
Harry laughed, wiping away the tear that threatened its way down his cheek. "No, no, silly. I named you after him."
"Why?"
"Well, he was very important to me, and you are very important to me, so I think it works quite well."
Louis smiled, nodding his head in understanding, even though the seven year old barely understood what his father was talking about. "Okay, papa! I like him very much. He has my name! Can I meet him, papa?"
Harry licked his bottom lip, putting the frame back in the pile as he pulled his son into his lap. "I'm sorry, bub, but no. I haven't seen him in a while, he's visiting his parents."
"When will you see him again?"
"Soon... I'll see him again soon," Harry replied, nodding his head. He changed their position into something more comfortable, and then began to tell his son, Louis, a story about him and his forever best friend.
When he promised Louis 16 years ago that he would always be in his heart, he meant it.
That would be a promise he would never break.
And that picture, which was once stored in the bottom of his dresser drawer, stood proudly on the mantle of his fireplace. Every day, he was able to see his best mate again.
And he never truly said goodbye, because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting. And he will never, ever forget his best friend.
> > > >
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
And there she is, after three years.
I told you you were gonna cry, but I did say the very end would be sweet. It was sweet, wasn't it? :) I think so.
Yes, you will still get the alternate ending, but that is for me to decided when it will come, because I wrote this fic, and I believe you guys should see the ending that I'm most proud of first and foremost.
Thank you so much to everyone who read this. I'm really happy how it turned out. Sorry for making you all cry, though (no I'm not)
Don't comment on this authors note, please go comment on the story, because thats what you are all here for, not my babble.
I hope you enjoyed Joli, and I hope you stick around with me to see any other stories I write :) I currently only have one that is on going, Coffee and Tea, since the rest are all completed, wow go me! Be sure to check them all out, along with the lesbian horror story on my other account, jessicacanwrite ! Also head over to my ao3, @ prideinlou
^ this one is on jessicacanwrite (:
And... that was Joli.
I'll see you soon, because...well, you know why :) Xx Jessica aka prideinlou
completed on August 13, 2021 with 4440 words and 63k total reads