Yeji sits back, heaving a quiet sigh. She's in the middle of a break during a shoot and is feeling a bit bored so she takes out her phone and decides to check her social networking account.
She's considering uploading something but ends up organizing her photo album instead.
She can't help but smile when she sees the photos from Ryujin's latest birthday; the day she turned 400.
Yeji knew how much Ryujin disliked the number so instead of throwing her a party, she took her on a weekend getaway to a mountain resort where they spent their time hiking, sightseeing and relaxing in their hotel room - away from their friends and the city.
For their third anniversary, they chose to stay at Yeji's apartment for a quiet and romantic night together.
Her smile grows wider when she looks at the pictures they took that night, grateful that she has such a wonderful friend and lover by her side.
Suddenly the photo on the screen fades, replaced by an incoming call notification from Jisu.
"Hello?"
"Are you done?"
"Not yet."
"How much longer?"
"I don't know. Maybe two, three hours?"
"Why so long?"
"It's not up to me, remember? What's your hurry anyway?"
"There's a sale at this baby store and I want to go find some stuff before they're all sold out!"
Yeji rolls her eyes. "Then take Oppa with you."
"I can't. He's at work. Plus, I need a woman's opinion. That man is practically colorblind. I can't trust his judgment," argues Jisu. "You're my only hope."
"Fine. I'll call you when I'm done."
"Good. Make it fast!"
"Okay okay. Bye."
Yeji ends the call and inhales. That voice inside her head has returned with its nagging questions, making her mellow.
I'm not jealous. I'm okay. I have Ryujin and I love her. We can get pets and raise them together. Yeah. That should do it. Besides, babies are a hassle. It will be harder to move around with kids. This is better. What I have now is better.
The unsatisfied feeling inside her heart lingers on but she pushes it aside when the photographer calls her to continue the shoot.
-------
"Jinnie?"
Ryujin huffs but doesn't open her eyes.
"Ryujinnie?"
Ryujin feels a kiss on her cheek and groans. "What?" she mumbles half asleep.
"I can't sleep."
Ryujin frowns then slowly opens her eyes. "What?" she asks, turning to her side, facing Yeji.
"I can't sleep," repeats Yeji.
"Why?" Ryujin reaches out to wrap her arms around Yeji, pulling her into her embrace. She presses her lips against Yeji's hair and closes her eyes again.
"I don't know." Yeji starts fiddling with the button on Ryujin's pajama top.
Ryujin waits a few seconds until she feels more awake before moving her head to be able to look at the other woman. "Something on your mind?"
"Not really."
"Then why can't you sleep?"
"I don't know." Yeji pauses then adds, "Being a godmother is tiring."
"Why?"
By now Ryujin's eyes have gotten used to the dark so she can see Yeji staring at her.
"Jisu keep making me do things with her. Buy things for the baby, decide on the nursery's interior decoration... She even wants me to help choose a name."
"She wants you to help name the baby?"
"Yes."
"Isn't that awesome? I mean, most people usually only let their family name their baby."
"I know but it's also burdensome."
Ryujin thinks for a second then asks, "Do you want me to help you?"
"Yes please."
"Okay. Have you thought about potential names?"
"Well, I do have several names I like," Yeji says. Her gaze drops to Ryujin's pajamas again.
"Names you wanted for your own children?" asks Ryujin gently.
Yeji hesitates but nods in the end. "I don't mind giving them to Jisu. It's not like I can use them anyway, right?"
Ryujin withdraws her arms, turns away and switches the bedside lamp on. She then sits up, placing her pillow against the headboard. "I think we need to talk," she says.
Yeji looks up at Ryujin then sits up as well.
"It's okay to want to have kids," Ryujin says, reaching out to place her hand on Yeji's thigh. "Everyone goes through that phase."
"Even you?"
Ryujin nods. "Even me."
"Have you ever had kids then?"
"No. After much thinking and a very close call, I decided against it. I realized that it's just not for me," answers Ryujin. "Yuna went through it too. She channeled her desires by teaching kids and volunteering at an orphanage. In her case, she's still waiting for the right person with whom she wants to have a family with."
"So she still wants to have kids?"
"She said that it's not for her but I think if she finds the right person, there's a chance she'll settle down with him and build a family. Like your father did."
"I see. What did you do? What's that close call you mentioned?" asks Yeji.
Ryujin grins sheepishly. "This will sound very stupid so don't tease me, okay? It was a severe lapse of judgment."
"What did you do? I promise I won't tease you," coaxes Yeji, scooting closer to Ryujin.
"I poked holes in my then-boyfriend's condom," admits Ryujin, turning red at the cheeks.
"You what?!" Yeji laughs, clapping her hands.
"Yah! You promised not to tease me!"
"But I d-didn't promise I w-wouldn't laugh!" says Yeji in between her laughter.
"Fine. Laugh at me." Ryujin crosses her arms and leans back, waiting for Yeji to stop laughing.
"Sorry but that was funny. When was this? I thought condoms were a modern thing."
"They've been around since the 16th century, you know."
"I bet they looked different back then."
"Yeah. They were made of linens or intestines-... Wait. Why are we talking about the history of condoms?"
"Hey, you started it. I'm just listening to your story," says Yeji with a grin.
Ryujin's glad that Yeji no longer seems mellow but unfortunately, the talk is far from over.
"So you wanted to get pregnant?" Yeji asks.
"Like I said, it was a lapse of judgment. Thankfully, my little sabotage didn't work. There was no baby."
"What if it had worked?"
"Then I would've had one hell of a time keeping that kid safe because the first world war started not long after that."
"Is that why you decided that you're never having kids?"
Ryujin nods. "The world is an unpredictable place and since we'd have to move around a lot, it might not be practical to have kids. Not everyone agrees with me though. There are people who are willing to take the risk. Your father, for example. It might also be easier if you marry a fellow immortal. Less explaining and more help with moving."
"I see." Yeji lies down, placing her head on Ryujin's lap. "Have you ever thought about names? Baby names?"
Ryujin gently strokes Yeji's hair. "Of course. Every woman has."
"What were they?"
"Well, I like the name 'Anthony' for a boy. It sounds dignified, regal."
"And for a girl?"
"I like 'Yeji'."
Yeji tilts her head back and looks Ryujin in the eyes. "Stop sucking up to me and be honest."
Ryujin chuckles. "I'm not sucking up to you. I honestly like that name. I also like 'Erica'. That's why I used it," she says. "So which names are you considering for Jisu's baby? Are they letting you choose the Korean name?"
"Of course not. That one will be decided by the baby's grandparents, I think. Jisu said I should help with the western name."
"Which would be?"
"I'm not sure. I like 'Lucy' for a girl and 'Adrian' for a boy."
"Those are good."
"But I also like 'Emma' and 'Devon'."
"Those sound good too." Ryujin's hand stops stroking Yeji's hair as she carefully says what she wants to say. "You know, you don't have to give up the names you want for your future child."
"What do you mean?"
"You can have kids of your own, one day."
"How?" Yeji turns her head. "I'm not going to use some random guy's sperm. That's just not going to happen."
"Well..." Ryujin clears her throat. "I have gone through many lifetimes and experienced a lot. I'm used to time," she carefully says. "You, on the other hand, still need to learn a lot and experience a lot."
Yeji sits up and turns to face Ryujin. Her brows are furrowed as she tries to guess what Ryujin's about to say. The woman is straying away from the topic of baby names and for some reason, Yeji does not like where this is going. The earlier fun atmosphere is gone, replaced by a serious and somewhat tense ambience.
"I've bound myself to you so technically, we can never be too far apart. I can always find you and you can always call me if you need me. I will keep my promise. I will always be there for you. I'm always yours."
"I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying," Yeji replies in an apprehensive tone.
Ryujin takes hold of Yeji's hand. "I want you to be happy. I want you to live your dream. I don't want you to have what-ifs for the rest of your long life and wonder what would happen if you hadn't settled with me."
"Ryujin-..."
"Wait. Let me finish," Ryujin interjects. She looks down at the hand she's holding, brushing the back of it with her thumb. "I'm giving you a chance to live your dream before you commit yourself to me forever. I'm giving you a chance to choose," she says. "We all have to go through certain phases before accepting and choosing our paths. I want you to explore all possibilities, be everything you want to be and get rid of all your what-ifs before you have to settle down."
"But I've told you this before, I don't need to explore or whatever. I don't feel the need to go all crazy and do everything like some kind of daredevil. I told Dad that too," argues Yeji.
"I'm not saying you should jump off buildings or climb Mount Everest. I'm saying that you should experience the life that you wanted before you found out about who you are, before all this happened. Before you met me," Ryujin says. "Have a family and go live near Jisu. Watch your kids grow up together. Use those pretty names on your own babies."
"I can't have all that and you know it."
"You can if you want to."
"People will grow suspicious when they see that I don't age."
"There are ways to disguise yourself."
Yeji frowns, scrutinizing Ryujin. "Why are you saying all this? Are you having second thoughts about us? Do you want to break up with me?" She pulls her hand free from Ryujin's.
"Of course not!"
"Then what is this about?"
"I told you, I want you to be happy."
"I am happy!"
"Are you really?"
"Of course!"
"Even though you're stuck with me and this kind of life forever? I'm not just talking about the next fifty or sixty years here. I'm talking hundreds and thousands of years," Ryujin says. "You're only thirty. Are you sure you're ready to let go of everything for me?"
Yeji hesitates for a split-second but quickly nods her head. "I'm sure. I love you and I will keep my promise. I won't leave you."
Ryujin notices the hesitation. "You won't be breaking your promise if you choose to do what I'm letting you do. You can still come back to me. You can always come back to me. I'm giving you a chance to reconsider."
Yeji sighs and shakes her head. "I can't believe you," she says as she moves to lie down at her side of the bed, her back towards Ryujin. Regardless of her doubts and worries, it's surprisingly frightening and painful to actually hear Ryujin's suggestion. Yes, she secretly wishes she could have that life she used to imagine but not at the cost of losing Ryujin. That would be a too big price to pay.
"You don't have to decide now. Just... think about it," Ryujin softly says. She then turns the light off and lies down, hugging Yeji from behind. "We might have all the time in the world but like Yuna once told me, even as immortals, we can't control everything. When the chance presents itself, we should go for it. Grab it before we regret it. The longer we wait, the more difficult and painful it would be."
"I don't like break-up talks," hisses Yeji.
"I'm not breaking up with you," replies Ryujin, still in her soft tone.
"Then stop talking like that!" Yeji raises her voice as she turns around, glaring at Ryujin in the dark. "It's my life, Ryujin, and I'm an adult. I will decide what's best for me, okay?"
Ryujin knows that she won't be able to make Yeji see her point when the woman's upset and angry like this so she gives in.
"Okay. I'm sorry." She kisses Yeji's forehead and tucks her hair behind her ear. "Forget what I said. I think 'Adrian' or 'Lucy' would be great for Jisu's baby."
Yeji closes her eyes when Ryujin kisses her and lets the woman hug her. She clutches Ryujin's pajamas, afraid that she'd wake up and find her gone.
A part of her knows that Ryujin might be right but she refuses to acknowledge it. She's determined to see this through, to stay with Ryujin like she said she would.
-------
Ryujin checks her watch and sighs. It's Christmas Eve and she's all alone because Yuna is accompanying Chaeryeong to an international film festival in China and the two decide to go on vacation while they're at it, prolonging the trip.
Yeji is supposed to come over to her house but there's no sign of the woman yet.
She got a last minute call and has to replace a sick model for a shoot today. Ryujin didn't like it but Yeji insisted on working. She said she could use the money.
There's no Christmas party this year because Jisu can't drink. Her second trimester has started and her little bulge is becoming more obvious. She has returned to her old self again because her morning sickness is gone and has practically dragged Yeji to every baby store in the city, hunting items on Christmas sale. The nursery renovation is underway and even though Yeji wants pink, the doctor insists that they choose a neutral color because the baby might be a boy. By now, they should be able to see the sex of the baby through ultrasound but Jisu and her husband said that they'd wait just a little bit longer.
Ryujin puts down her brush and stretches. She's been painting a lot lately but all her paintings are gloomy. Her mind is still thinking of Yeji and the talk they had a couple of months ago. Since then, she hasn't been able to talk to Yeji again about it because the woman simply refused to listen to her whenever she brought the matter up.
Right now, she's just finished a painting of a person who's rushing to go somewhere, surrounded by a colorful whirlwind of people, activities and things - his busy daily life. But there is a hole in his chest where his heart should be.
It's how she pictures herself in the future. She will be fine, she knows, but there will be a hole in her heart that only Yeji can fill and she won't be whole until she has her back. Nevertheless, she's willing to wait no matter how long it takes.
Ryujin starts cleaning her tools then hears the door being knocked.
"Jinnie?" Yeji opens the door and peeks inside.
"Finally!" Ryujin dries her hands after carefully placing her brush on the towel and turns around. "What took you so long?"
"I was working, remember?" Yeji doesn't come inside the room, only letting Ryujin see her head through the gap of the door. "Are you done?"
"Yeah. What are you doing?" asks Ryujin when she notices Yeji's awkward position.
"You'll see. Meet me in your room in five minutes. You are not allowed to leave the studio until then or I won't give you your Christmas present," Yeji says. She then disappears, closing the door.
"Wha-..." Ryujin blinks then checks her watch. "Five minutes. This better be good," she mumbles, watching the hand of the clock moving ever so slowly.
When her five minutes are up, she leaves the studio and heads to her room. "Yeddeong?" she calls out to the empty room. "Where are you?"
"In the bathroom. Go sit on the bed and close your eyes."
"What?"
"Just do it!"
Ryujin shakes her head. "What in the world are you up to?" she mutters under her breath but does as she's told. She takes a seat on the foot of the bed and closes her eyes. "I'm ready!"
"Are your eyes closed?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
Ryujin hears the bathroom door opening but tries her best not to look.
"No peeking," warns Yeji.
"My eyes are perfectly closed."
Ryujin senses Yeji standing in front of her and does everything she can to stop herself from taking a look. "Can I open my eyes now?"
"Not yet." Yeji bends down and places a very soft kiss on Ryujin's cheek, surprising the woman. "Have you been a good girl this year?" she whispers.
"Um... I think so. Can I open my eyes now? Please?"
"Go ahead."
Ryujin open her eyes and raises her eyebrows.
In front of her stands Yeji in a short off-shoulder red dress with white fluff along the hem. She's wearing pointy shoes and an equally pointed hat decorated with bells.
"What... are you?" she asks.
"I'm Santa's elf!" exclaims Yeji, turning in place, showing Ryujin her outfit.
"Santa's elf isn't supposed to be this pretty or sexy."
Yeji smirks. "What are they supposed to look like then?"
"I don't know. Oompa Loompas? Yoda? Short, wrinkly, pointy ears... weird facial hair," retorts Ryujin. "Where did you get that outfit anyway?"
"Borrowed it from the stylist unnie. It's the outfit from my shoot today."
"Wha-... what were you shooting? Adult Christmas magazine?"
Yeji laughs. "There's a cape and a pair of candy-striped stockings which totally ruined the outfit, in my opinion, so I didn't borrow them."
"Still sexy."
"Glad you think that way because I've decided that I would be your elf for the night." Yeji approaches Ryujin and bends down to kiss her lips while placing her fingers on her chin, tilting her head up.
"Ooh. Cosplay? That's new. I like it."
"It's not exactly new. You were a bear for my birthday, remember?"
"Of course I remember but that wasn't sexy. This-..." Ryujin reaches out for Yeji's thigh but Yeji swats her hands away. "Hey!"
"You can't touch Santa's elf without permission. That's sexual harassment."
Ryujin can't help but laugh. "Then what am I supposed to do with my hands?"
"You can use them but only after I said so." Yeji moves to sit on Ryujin's lap. "There's another part of this outfit that I've left out," she says, lowering her voice while mischievously grinning at Ryujin.
"Permission to hold the elf."
"Permission granted."
Ryujin places an arm around Yeji's waist and another over her legs to steady her. "Okay. Continue. What other part have you left out?"
Yeji brings her lips close to Ryujin's ear, smiles when the latter squirms a bit, then whispers, "My underwear."
"O-oh shoot." Ryujin swallows. "Permission to check the no underwear claim."
"Permission granted."
———————
huh okay so i see a few or some of y'all have already caught on, about what the problem would be