" I say the wrong shit at the right times. If I'm offending them, I don't mind. Maybe they all should listen to me...it isn't all about what you see. Question though, how do I look to you? Am I so thin that you can see through?"
Content warning, strong language
REMUS LUPIN
DAY FIVE
DECEMBER 27, 1978
"Ready?"
I look down at Cordelia, her hands are shaking slightly at her side. The full moon is coming this weekend, but I know this is not the reasons for her nerves. I don't know the situation between her and her mum, i've never asked, but I want to be here for her now.
Hence why we have been standing in front of her house for fifteen minutes.
What does it mean that Cordelia is always bombarding me with personal family questions, and the thought to ask about her family hasn't really occurred to me?
"Whenever you are," I answer Delia. "There's no point in waiting, really. You're still going to see her either way, what's the difference?"
"The difference is—" Cordelia sighs, "Every minute I wait, is a minute i'm still happy. A minute where the life isn't being sucked out of me,"
"Don't worry, i'll be unhappy with you," I volunteer half-heartedly. From the corner of my eye, I see Cordelia with the ghost of a smile. She must like the idea of that too—being unhappy with someone instead of without.
Cordelia takes a deep breath and holds it in. "Fuck it," She huffs before pushing open the front door.
The house is still, almost frozen. As if nothing has been touched in years. It reeks of cigarettes and melancholy, like a chain smoker. The wallpaper is a floral emerald green pattern, and photos in frames cling onto the wall--none of which contain pictures of Delia.
Cordelia grips my hand tightly before leading me into the kitchen, where at the head of a large oak table sits a woman. She's tan—a few shades warmer than Cordelia—and slender. Her elbow rests on the table with a jewelry filled wrist flicked outwards. She looks regal while the cigarette she's holding burns between her fingers. Wild, long black waves cascade down her back, almost to her hips. The first word that comes to mind, beautiful. Her expression is stoic, for a moment I wonder if she even heard us come in, until she turns to face us.
She doesn't speak.
"Hello," Cordelia says so quietly it's nearly a whisper. It takes me by surprise, i've never known her to be soft spoken, timid.
"Speak up." The woman orders. Her tone is cold, stiff. Nothing like a mother's should be when speaking to her only child. There's something hypnotic about it, i'd be lying if I said her voice wasn't pleasant to hear.
"I said hello, mum." Cordelia says, firmer. "This is Remus Lupin, my boyfriend."
Her mother scoffs before ashing the cigarette into a round crystal tray.
I clear my throat, "I hope it's alright that I came, Ms.Evans,"
"Call me Rose, Ms. Evans makes me sound old. And it's alright, she would've brought you if i'd said no anyways, " She does a once over of my figure, seemingly unimpressed before her eyes snap to Delia. "Come, sit."
Cordelia breathes loudly through her nose and takes a seat at the other end of the table, I sit in the chair to her left. Her mom-Rose, slides a pack of cigarettes down the table to Cordelia, who, without hesitation, takes one out of the pack and sparks it.
"Aren't you going to ask your own mother about her Christmas? " Rose asks with a wry smile playing on her lips.
Cordelia coughs, splutters. I hold her hand under the table. "How was your Christmas, own mother?" She asks dryly.
"Always making snide comments," Rose makes a tsk noise and puts out her cigarette, tapping it rhythmically against the ashtray.
I almost yelp from Cordelia's new grip on my hand. "Why the hell am I here?" She snaps.
Rose points at Cordelia, "Don't speak to me like that." She lectures. "And sit up straight, you look like an animal."
Cordelia immediately straightens her back. "I am an animal," She mutters under her breath.
"What?"
I can't decide if I should sit silently or intervene.
Moral support or knight in shining armour.
"You heard me."
Sit silently, definitely sit silently.
Moral support.
"Well who's fault is that?" Rose challenges. Cordelia pales in the face a bit. "That's right, your principal told me why you were out that night. Smoking pot? Really Cordelia, you could not be anymore embarrassing."
Cordelia laughs sarcastically and loudly. "Like my father?"
Rose smiles. "Precisely. See, I have taught you something."
The kitchen goes quiet and all that can be heard is the breathing of the two women. If looks could kill, they'd both be dead and cold.
Cordelia holds her head a bit higher, "You have taught me nothing but self hatred and disguised it as lessons on being humble," Rose rolls her eyes as if she's bored of hearing a sob story.
"And look at you now. Independent, demanding, cold." Cold? Does this woman know her daughter at all?
"I didn't need be independent!" Cordelia rips her hand from mine and slams it on the table. "I didn't need to be demanding! I needed to be loved! I needed to feel safe and cared for! I needed to be a fucking child!"
Rose and I watch silently as Cordelia rises to her feet. While i'm awestruck, Rose looks like she's stifling a yawn. "I didn't need to take care of my mother after she got piss drunk! I didn't need to make sure you slept on your side so you wouldn't choke on your own vomit! But I did it, because who the fuck else would've!?"
"You should have just let me die." Rose says indifferently. A maniacal smile rising to her lips, "Like. Your. Father." She whispers, annunciating each word carefully.
"You cunt!" Cordelia jumps onto the table, kicking plates and glasses off as she storms towards her mother. This is getting dangerously close to me having to intervene. "You foul, bitter, wretched cunt! I hate you! I hate you! I fucking loathe your guts!" By the end of her sentence Cordelia is heaving and her wand is pointed in her mother's face.
I stand up.
"Then it'll be good news to hear that i'm dying, won't it?"
I sit back down.
Cordelia lowers her wand slightly. "What?"
"Stage four lung cancer," Rose takes a long draw from her cigarette, her killer. "It's terminal, obviously. They gave me four to six weeks before I kick the bucket."
"You write me for the first time in months, to tell me that your dying?" Cordelia jumps off the table and stares at her mother. "How long have you known?"
"Two months."
"And you didn't want to write me sooner?"
Cordelias voice cracks in a way i've never heard before, it's broken. "You tell me to come and are just-you're just,"
Rose stares back at her. "I'm just being myself, Cordelia. No better, no worse. What did I tell you about expecting things from people? You'll only be disappointed—" She throws a quick glance at me, "-and this boy. This boy is no different, I can sense it."
"Cunt," Cordelia whispers with tears in her eyes.
Rose reaches out and strokes the ends of her daughters hair that has grown to below her chest. "Keep growing your hair out after i'm dead. You've always looked best when it's long,"
Cordelia backs away quickly, stumbling over her own feet. Her chest rises and falls violently, borderline hyperventilating.
And with a crack and a puff of smoke, she's gone.
Shit.
"Well, Rose, it was...interesting meeting you."
I say getting up quickly and heading towards the door, but before I go, I have to say something. "And for the record, Cordelia is the warmest person i've ever met. She's like...well I dunno. But she's nowhere near cold."
Rose looks at me for a long moment. "You're going to ruin her, more than I ever did."
It takes me a bit of time to get back to Lily's—seeing as Cordelia left without me and I can't legally apperate— and by the time I do get there, i'm exhausted.
When I enter the living room Lily is whispering harshly to Iris by the fireplace and Sirius is sat on the couch looking bored. I do my best to hide my surprise and when I swallow the lump in my throat from seeing Sirius, it just converts to butterfly's in my stomach.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
"Where the hell have you been?" Lily demands
as she finally notices me.
"Well I had to—"
There's something frantic about the look in her eyes. "You know what? It doesn't even matter. Come with us," Lily yanks me by the hand and pulls me upstairs. Iris and Sirius follow closely behind. We gather outside of the bathroom, and Lily knocks gently.
"Cordelia..."
There's no reply.
"How long has she been in there?" I whisper to Iris.
"About two hours," She mutters back. "Lily called me and told me you guys when to meet with her mom, what the hell happened?"
"Er..." I scratch the back of my neck, where the hell do I start?
"Clearly she just want to be left alone, so why don't we just... leave her alone?" Sirius says, looking everywhere but me.
Everyone looks at him irritatedly.
He raises his hands in mock surrender, "Or not,"
Lily knocks again, "Delia, Remus is here," She pushes me in front of the door.
I don't know what to say.
I shouldn't be the one to comfort her.
She's you're girlfriend, figure it out, Remus.
I twist the door knob lightly, it's locked of course. "Love, it's me. Can I come in?"
No reply.
"Well, uh, I tried," I say.
Iris and Lily shoot me a dirty look.
Sirius snickers under his breath.
"Sirius...you try," Iris whispers.
His face contorts in confusion and repulse. "Why the bloody fuck would I do that?"
"Give her some wise words of growing up with shit parents wisdom," Iris teases.
"I'm good," He turns to walk down the stairs but Iris grabs him by the hand, stopping him. She looks into his eyes intensely.
"Please, for me," She begs quietly.
Sirius rolls his tongue against his cheek and looks to the ceiling in annoyance. "Fuck you, Hawthrop," He mutters. She grins and kisses him on the cheek. I look away.
He pushes past me to stand at the door and knocks harshly three times. "Evans it's Sirius, let me in for a minute, will you?"
There's a long pause of silence and just as Sirius is about to turn away, the lock turns and the door opens an inch.
☽☽☽
SIRIUS BLACK
Fuck.
I shoot Iris an uneasy glare and she just sends me an encouraging nod in response.
I don't know why i'm doing this, I don't know why Iris has this type of hold on me.
I don't know anything anymore.
I push the door open and enter, locking eyes with Remus as I shut it behind me. Cordelia is sitting on the edge of the bath, eyes swollen and nose a bright shade of pink. I bite my lip contemplating what I should say. She looks up at me through her dark lashes, and for a second I do know.
I know why Remus likes her.
I know why people befriend her.
I know why I envy her.
I just know.
Cordelia sniffles as she looks away and I snap back to reality. "Stop crying," I immediately cringe at my harsh tone. "Sorry," I mutter.
"S'okay," She whispers. I join her sitting on the edge of the tub.
"When I was sorted into Gryffindor, I only had two seconds to enjoy it," I start talking. I don't know where the words are coming from and I don't try to stop them. "Two seconds. Because by the third, I had locked eyes with my cousin sitting at the slytherin table, Bellatrix. I could tell she was livid and I knew she was going to write my mother. And when I went home for Christmas break my mother and father beat me senseless,"
Cordelia stills completely. "That's horrible,"
"Yeah," I chuckle dryly. I've never told anyone that before and already I regret it.
"The first letter I got from my mother was about two months into my first year," Cordelia says, her voice raspy from crying. "Cordelia, stop writing me so damn much. Haven't I already told you I hate this bloody bird?" She chuckles too.
Her chuckles turn into bouts of laughter. "My mother never beat me, she just knew what to say to hurt me in all the right places. Now she's dying!"
I join in on her laughter. "I wish my mother was dying,"
"That's the thing-" She says between giggles. "Every night I wished it was her who died instead of my father, and now she is!"
I stop laughing. "This isn't your fault,"
She stops too. "I know,"
Cordelia leans her head on my shoulder and I tense at the action. "I don't have the energy to compete with you anymore Sirius, and I don't want to get in-between your friendship. I can see that he still cares for you, i'm not blind and I know you don't owe me anything...but i'm begging you—" She lifts her head and meets my eyes. "—please talk to him. I can tell he misses you, and I don't want him to think i'm making him choose..."
Guilt settles in my stomach.
I smile gently and nod.
"Do you think we can be friends, Sirius? Eventually?"
I let my eyes bore into hers until she looks away with a small blush sweeping over her cheeks. "Never mind, bad idea—"
"Maybe, Cordelia. Eventually."
Song: Scrawny by wallows