tw: eating disorder-like behaviors
"well, looks like we're stranded," simon says as he look onto the huge crowd of walkers, "they'll probably take all night to clear out."
"get comfortable, kids! you keep that boy tied up, simon," negan says before climbing back into the truck. "we're gonna be here for awhile, darlin'."
"i can see that."
"don't be an ass."
"i'm just responding to you, what would you like for me to do?"
"i can name quite a few things i want you to do. for starters-"
"yea, never mind," i roll my eyes then shift them to outside the window.
our bantering continued until he went to go talk to the people he'd brought with him.
i waited for a few minutes before i quietly opened the truck door. before i go, though, i steal back the knife negan had placed on his seat. i was going to go get brandon, but the guards are surrounding him, so i leave.
i sneak through the field into the small town nearby. the walkers were about two miles away, so all i had to deal with was a few stragglers.
once i cleared out the tiny bookstore i found, i barricade the door and sit down. the bookstore was dusty and old, but still had a charming sense to it. it calmed me, gave me peace of mind. well, until i let the thoughts in again.
what the hell am i going to do?
he's made it very clear that i can't escape him, but the kids need to stay somewhere stable. somewhere they can get good role models. alexandria had to be that place, even if it meant i had to leave them. they had to come before my feelings.
i know it will hurt me, but at least now they'll be safe. they'll still be with family, they'll be smothered in the amount of family they have there. rick and michonne and so many others would make sure they stayed safe and felt loved.
i'd make it back to them one day, maybe when he gets over the feeling of having a new wife. when he sees that i won't have sex with him or do any of the things his other wives do, maybe then i can come back.
my chest aches at the thought, those children had practically become mine. they always would be, no matter how far away i had to go or what i had to do to keep them safe. i'd always love them.
my brain switches to negan, the words he'd said.
"i treat you all the same..."
really, did he? was i nothing other than another girl he entertained? it sure as hell didn't feel like that.
my head thuds against the wall as i shut my eyes, tears flowing down my face. why did i always do this?
i always got too attached. and now i have to go through heartbreak again, all while seeing him everyday and remembering all the time i'd spent with him.
the radio i'd stolen goes off, "where'd you go, y/n?" negan asks.
"just leave me alone. i'm coming back in the morning, just leave me the hell alone for one night," i said, straining to hide my sobs.
"y/n? where are you?" negan repeats in a worried tone. i shut it off and toss it across the room. he could leave me alone for one night.
i sat and cried for at least ten minutes before i stopped myself, "we can't do this all night," i whispered to myself as i stood up. i turned to the books, maybe i'd find something to distract me here for a bit.
i don't know what to grab, but it sure a shit wouldn't be some heartthrob romance. i go over to the horror/mystery section and grab the scariest-looking one i could. i sat on the chair adjacent to a table by a boarded up window before settling into the book.
a few chapters in, my eyes strain. i pulled away from the book and glanced out the window, the sun was at it's highest peak, 12 p.m.
at least the day was half-way over with.
it must have been two hours that have passed, negan hasn't even tried to look for me. i shouldn't be surprised, but it seemed part of me wanted him to look for me. to care for me. to love me.
i stood, stretching my arms. i knew i needed to eat, but my stomach knotted at the thought. at least while i was here i could get stuff to bring back.
i grabbed my favorite books off the shelves. i knew i wouldn't read them now, but maybe later when i feel like i need some sort of romance in my life. i peaked out the window, no one in sight. not even a walker.
but, i did spot a bar. the sign that hung above it was rusty, vines growing over it. but you could still make out 'bar' in big, bold, - and what used to be neon - letters. it beckoned out to me.
yea, probably not the best idea right now, but i could just be hungover tomorrow.
i put my books in one of the plain bookbags they had on display before removing the barricade on the door and pulling my knife out. as i walked through the doorway i hear, "where are you goin' now?" the husky voice filled the silence with familiarity. my ears loved and hated to hear it.
it was negan, he'd sat on the little porch of the store right beside the door. waiting for me. i clutched my chest, "what are you doing here?"
"waiting on my wife."
i scoff, turning back towards the bar, he stands following me. "just leave me alone. i need one night before i go back to being another one of your stupid so-called wives," i say walking backwards. before i spin around, i see the pain of my words on his face. guilt washes over me, filling every crevice of my being.
no. no, he deserved to feel what i felt.
i couldn't just let him do what he wanted and then feel bad when i treat him the exact same way. he couldn't do that.
i slowly open the door, rolling a can in the room. two walkers go towards it. i sneak up behind them, killing them silently. i clear out the rest of the bar before walking behind the counter, sighing at all the alcohol i see. "finally," i mumble under my breath.
"are you gonna fix me one?" negan says as he shuts the door behind him.
i turn my back on him, a mix of angry and heartbroken tears spilling down my face. "please, stop. i can't do this, not right now," i say as i try to mask my feelings. his arms wrap around my waist, turning me to him. my face collides with his chest.
i push away from him, "no, no you don't get to do that. you can't act like an asshole and then...", my voice trails off as i turn away from him. "you don't get to," i say as i flick the cap off of a jack daniels. my bag thumps onto the counter. "y'know, i could lean in to hold you or act like i don't even know you. seems like you could care less either way."
"y/n, no, you don't get to do this. you're my wife and i'm the boss. you have to listen to me."
"fuck you," i mumble, "how the hell can you sit there and tell me that? after everything we've done. after everything we've said, and you just, act like...," my voice fades as i try to find the right words.
"like an ass, i know," he finishes for me. he looks back at me and i finally notice how dark the circles are under his eyes, he looks like i feel. "but don't you see what you've done to me? i can't even sleep without you. yesterday, i made someone laugh, and i wished it was you. that it was your laugh. all the hell i've caused, all the lips i've kissed, all the love i've lost-"
the door bangs open, simon and a few other pour in, "we've gotta go now. another horde's coming. we'll be able to make it through the few scattered up there," negan hadn't dropped his gaze from mine.
"we're coming," he says as he walks up to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. i grab the bag as i walk by it after i push him off of me. he just stands there, watching me. i head outside, avoiding all the people staring at me and climb into the van where brandon is.
"sorry i brought you along with me for this. don't worry, i won't let them hurt you, promise."
he smiles at me, "it's okay, we both did what we thought we needed too. we'll figure this out."
"yea, i hope so."
i close the doors all while making eye contact with negan. i didn't know what the hell we were anymore. one of the men gets in, and we start driving.
two hours later...
the door slams open, it's negan. he glares at me, waiting for me to get out. "if you're going to punish someone for this, punish me. brand my face off, whatever. just leave brandon out of it, it was my idea."
"he's going in the hole for two days, you're coming with me," he takes my arm, pulling me with him.
'i'm sorry' i mouth to brandon as simon yanks him out. he smiles grimly at me before i turn back towards the direction i was being pulled in.
"stop it," i plead. he ignores me, tightening his grip on my arm.
he drags me behind him until we reach his room. he finally drops my wrist and turns to me, he opens his mouth to say something to me but dwight follows us in. "daryl's gone," dwight says.
negan sighs, "and the shit keeps piling up."
he leaves me in his room as he goes with dwight. wait, they had daryl? why would they take him? my memory evades me, i'd completely forgotten they had him. how horrible was i?
i blink through a couple of tears, then pull myself together. at least daryl got out, i really wished i could have helped though. while he's gone, i get all of my stuff. and all of the kids' stuff, that made my heart hurt even more.
sherry comes to the open door, "need some help?"
"no. thank you, though," i smile slightly at her. i knew i had to look terrible right now, so i turn to block my front from her view.
"if you need anything, i'm just across the hall."
"thanks," i say as i put all of our stuff into the playpen.
i felt so bad -even worse than before- when i remembered that i'd lied to michonne. i told her they'd only be there for a week, i really hope she'll understand. i don't think he's ever going to let me outside again, but if i can, i'll tell her.
when i finally get all the stuff to my room, i lock the door behind me. i pull myself into the shower.
thirty minutes later, i pull myself back out and change. then i go straight to my bed, my thoughts would be enough to keep me busy.
memories of him and the kids flow into my mind. i smile solemnly at them, knowing i could have that again was what kept me going.
i didn't move for the rest of the night, i didn't even get up to answer the continuous knocking. "y/n, if you don't open this door by tomorrow morning, i'm breaking it down," he yelled through the door. i ignored him, i know he'll just go find someone else to entertain him. mason's teddy bear laid on my bed and i clung to it like i was a child.
i stayed like this for the rest of the night, not sleeping a bit. when my alarm goes off, i sit up. i had to do something today, might as well work. i avoid the mirror, going straight to my toothbrush. i brush my hair and change. after putting deodorant, perfume and my shoes on, i leave.
when i get to the clinic, i remember no one is up. i slide down beside the door, i didn't have the key. carson was always here before me, i didn't need one. but now the kids aren't taking up the time i'd have to sit here waiting on him.