CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: Togetherness, old times & awkwardness.
-Ashley Dawson-
“Did you bring,” Niall breathed as he dropped the remains of my sister’s bags in the foyer. “Your whole fucking life?”
She smirked, as we accumulated in a line and ran our eyes over the mass of bags that my sister had brought with her. “Half of it is at Grans.” She shrugged; twirling a piece of her hair around her finger and then letting it fall back to her shoulder with the rest. One of the first things she had done when she was discharged from the hospital was get her hair done, figures, predictable figures.
“I am not doing that again,” Zayn said, motioning to the open front door and then to the bags. “That was like my exercise for the week all in one hour.”
“You could have helped though, helped with your bags.” Harry rolled his eyes, throwing an arm around Ellie’s shoulder.
She pressed her lips together, giving him a look. “Guys, I’ve just been discharged, spare me this manual labour shit, I’m delicate and I want ice-cream.” That was the thing with my sister; she didn’t take things very seriously. She’d already made numerous humorous remarks about the accident and all her time asleep. I didn’t know if it was because she wasn’t exactly there to know what it was really like and I was, but it was almost impossible to laugh.
“Wow, you’re more of a princess than you used to be,” Liam chimed in.
“I dreamt of my castle, and you were all my peasants.” She joked, but squirmed out of Harry’s arm anyway, already walking away as she fumbled with her hair mumbling the whereabouts of the kitchen.
“You won’t find any nice food,” Niall called after her, “Ashley’s being healthy!”
Ellie turned around, “We’ll see.” She smiled, saying this over her shoulder as she disappeared around the corner. I didn’t really know exactly how she was making her right way to the kitchen, but she was.
“Fine, fine,” Liam said, holding up his hands. “I’ll just be the one to go and make sure she doesn’t end up eating something she shouldn’t.” He said this seriously, and then to follow he sent me a smirk before following her route to the kitchen.
I didn’t even know why I hadn’t shown her to the kitchen, I didn’t know why they were all here and I wasn’t on my own with the sister I hadn’t seen for so long. She somehow didn’t seem the same person though. There was something different. She was so grown up, and somehow such a child.
“On the other hand, I’m hungry too.” Harry said, and then gave Zayn a look in which ordered him to follow, they both left too. Leaving three.
“This was so not a good idea.” Niall sing-songed into my ear as he passed, sending a brief glance Louis’ way who was stood awkwardly grappling his phone in between his fingers.
“What was I supposed to do? They can’t avoid each other forever.” I yell whispered back, biting my lip.
“Mmm, I thought you would have wanted them to.” His words carried in his breath were sharp against my neck as he said them, and then gave me a look which meant he knew I had nothing to say back. I closed my eyes, placing my fingers on my temples as I listened to the sound of Niall walking away, and more chatter floated in the air from the kitchen. I knew my sister would be telling a story and making everyone laugh, because something ‘amazing’ had probably already happened in the days she’d been free.
“The bathroom hasn’t moved, right?” Louis asked, and his voice caused me to snap my eyes open. I looked at his face for a few seconds as he stood there gingerly with his hands shoved in his pockets, rubbing his lips together. The lucent haze of the late afternoon sunlight made his eyes stand out and made his hair look shiny, his skin more tanned and I wondered how they could both stand there and look so innocent when they were anything but.
“No,” I replied quickly, as he raised his eye-brows at me and my staring at him.
He nodded, “Cheers,” and then he turned away from me and I watched him climb the staircase and disappear when it came to the next flight.
I let out a heavy sigh as I leant against the wall; my eyes fell to my socked feet absorbing the cold of the marble flooring. My reflection was extremely blurred in the white stone, but it was probably helpful like that. I didn’t want to see how bewildered I might just look.
I closed my eyes for a few seconds and listened for any signs of life, but the only sound that could be heard was the sound of hot water gushing through the pipes above my head, and the conversation from the kitchen still floating in the undertones of the silence. I thought maybe it might be simpler sometime soon, when the others weren’t here anymore, and Niall wasn’t either, and it was just my sister and I. There weren’t a lot of things that were clear though. I’d been left liable with the hospitality supply for my sister who had recently awoken from a coma; I assumed it was my responsibility to let her know about the change in family too. It seemed like too much, and it probably was.
“Hey Ash Niall said you might want this, do you? Or can me and Haz have it?” I snapped my gaze from the ground to the sound of Zayn’s voice spearing the silence. He stood slightly leant forward as he raised his eye-brows at me, he was holding up a carton of orange juice that appeared to half full. Two glasses at the most would be generated from it.
“No, have it, there’s another one in the freezer.” I agreed absently, and then sucked in some air, standing up a little straighter.
He smiled at me and nodded, “Cheers Ash, coming through then?”
“Yeah, sure.” I agreed in what I hoped was a nice and normal manner and then forced a smile for the emphasis of my clear normality.
“Good, I was a bit concerned if you were just going to stand there and stare at the floor all day.” He chuckled and I figured I was supposed to laugh too, but by the time I realised this it was too late so I smiled and followed him into the kitchen as he made small talk about things my sister had said so far.
“…Yeah so when he first walked in I was like-“ my sister was saying as I walked in. The boys were leant against the worktops, seeming intensely interested with her one sided conversation. She was sat on a bar stool with one leg folded over the other, the soles of her plimsolls dangling subconsciously above the flooring. “Hey Ash have you got any crisps? I’m starved.” She asked, tearing the subject away from whatever she was talking about. I looked over my shoulder, placing a few items into the sink.
“Nar, Ash doesn’t eat crisps, do you?” Niall chimed in, sending me a smile.
I raised my eye-brows, nodding in the direction of a higher cupboard, “Niall I know you have crisps up there, I’m not stupid, be nice and share.”
His face fell a little and there was jeering laughter from the people cluttering the kitchen; Niall sent them a look and then turned to me with something serious crossing his face, “you don’t eat them though, right?”
I rolled my eyes, “no, I don’t like those flavours anyway, they’re weird.”
“You’re weird,” he scoffed, knocking me on the shoulder as he fetched a bag of crisps from the cupboard.
He raised his hand and threw them to Ellie, as if walking the five metres toward was insane. She only just caught them and sent him a look as she fumbled them within her hands, spinning them around and we watched as her eyes glazed carefully over the bright logo on the front. “Why are they flavoured ‘Turkey’? That’s weird.” She complained, scrunching her brow in disapproval at Niall who was looking rather taken aback at her comment.
I rolled my eyes and turned back to the sink, concentrating on removing some curry sauce from a plate. The water was cold now and making my skin feel slightly numb.
“Jesus you’re so fussy. Maybe I want to get in the Christmas spirit, hey? Ever thought of that? Ashley had me writing out Christmas cards the other day, we start festivities early.” Niall retorted and I rolled my eyes. The sound of rustling packing noised and I supposed my sister was sceptically sampling the festively flavoured food.
“Christmas cards? In October? That’s insane.” Liam said and I looked over my shoulder at him, giving me an innocent look he shrugged, doing some kind of well it is motion with his hands.
“Before we know it, it will be December and we’ll be so busy with other things we won’t have any time to write out any cards, you’ll see when you’re begging me to do yours for you.”
“No, that was just that one time because your writing is neater.” Liam countered and I nodded, rolling my eyes in a dismissive manner as I turned back to the sink. I continued to work away at the plate, fumbling it within the suds of lukewarm water.
There was a short silence and I heard my sister draw in a breath and spin a little on the bar stool she was sitting on. “So anyway, as I was saying, he walked in and I was like ‘who are you?’, and it totally freaked him out, it was hilarious.”
“You’re so mean it’s ridiculous.” Harry chuckled, and I think he patted her on the shoulder.
“I was joking though, I said I was joking straight afterwards!” She protested her innocence, it was a joke, of course it was a joke, everything was for her.
“You still said it though,” Niall chipped in and I pictured her rolling her eyes.
After leaving the rubber gloves by the sink, I placed the now clean into the cupboard and drained the water from the sink, leaning against the counter to listen to my sister talk as she had never left.
“Well I’m going out for a smoke,” Zayn said, piercing the short silence that fell. I didn’t think anyone really knew what to say, what to talk about. Conversation came so easily before, but it’s strange when things suddenly change, and then fall back into half normality.
“Think I might join you, for some oxygen though.” Liam said, and then smiled.
“You know in my dream you’d kicked that habit.” Ellie chimed happily, sending Zayn a sweet smile.
He stopped fumbling with what I assumed were his cigarettes in his pocket, and turned to her raising his eye-brows. “Your dream?” He asked sceptically and everyone become a little more silent, peeling their attention towards her.
“Yeah,” she said slowly, as if we should already know this, “I dreamt of a lot of things, I can’t remember all of it, but it’s weird, everything is different, and everything is the same. Kinda cool though, really.”
Everything was deadly quiet for a moment, and everyone seemed to move their gazes to either the floor, or their hands, avoiding each other’s. We didn’t know what to make of this; we’d been too scared to research things properly. I found myself tucking my hair behind my ear several times, and licking my lower lip, as if tasting the silence.
“Oh, well, that’s interesting.” He stammered, and I wondered if he wished that her dream had become a reality. Although it was clear it would not and probably never would because it was just a strange kind of phenomenon that occurred inside her brain. The part that was somehow painfully alive when everything else seemed to have been paralysed.
She nodded, pursing her lips together and I wondered why this was so awkward. I wondered why we couldn’t laugh and talk easily like we used to. I think we were scared. You don’t become very aware of change when you’re part of it, not gradual change, anyway. It takes something like an old photograph or video tape to remind and present the evidence of change. And when you look at old times – compared to now – you wonder just why you made that change, because you hadn’t even noticed until a while later when it had already become normal. We were scared that she wouldn’t like what we had become. That she wouldn’t like the fact that where she was now was not where she left. So we didn’t show her, not really, anyway. That was probably the worst thing we could do.
“Back in a minute,” Zayn said, half brightly and then he bit his lip as Liam followed him outside. We were quiet for a minute, and their chatter floated distantly in the air, not audible to us to depict what their words were, but still there.
“I’m gonna go show Haz the game I got the other day, coming up?” Niall announced, and I snapped my attention to him as he raised his eye-brows quizzically at me.
I shifted my gaze to my sister, who was also looking at me expectantly, tapping her right foot back and forth in mid-air. “Later,” I said, trying to sound confident about this.
Niall nodded, mumbling an “Alright,” before dropping a kiss onto my cheek and proceeding to bounding up the stairs with Harry leaving my sister and I alone. I wondered why Louis was still upstairs, but I brushed it off, content with the atmosphere not being twice as awkward with him here too.
For a moment my sister and I just looked at each other, although it suddenly did not feel that awkward anymore. Despite a huge gap of time, and many mishaps in the past, she was still my sister.
“Well,” she said, taking a scan of the kitchen as if she hadn’t already, “shit’s different, right?”
I shrugged, releasing a small sigh as I cloaked together some magazines that were scattering the counter because it seemed better than just standing there, “In what way?” I asked, propelling her response to expand.
She shrugged now, and traced a pattern on the breakfast bar behind her, letting her eyes wander over her small invisible creation before lifting her gaze back to me, “Well for starters you didn’t live in this house.” I looked up at her and gave her a small smile, “and you and Harry pretty much hated each other’s guts.” That was a little bit of an exaggeration, but I guess it did hold some truth.
“You weren’t bound to prize position in New York,” she continued to list, and I thought about all of the things that really had changed when now they seemed so normal. It was very easy to get caught up in the present, as much as it was the past, there never seems to be a perfect lapse between the two. There never seems to be some perfect in between time like when you’re half awake and half asleep and reality seems like an imperfect dream. It’s one or the other, and I suppose you’re bound for disappointment if you don’t pick in time.
“Are you even listening?” She said, and snapped her fingers in that assertive manner.
I lifted my gaze to her from the floor, and took in again that it was actually my sister and she was back. Although she looked mildly different, it was her all the same. Her hair was pulled into a messy bun on top of her head, powder dusted over her cheeks, leggings, a t-shirt and a cardigan over her body. She was just Ellie, but she still wasn’t quite there. It was as if half of her had woken up and the other half hadn’t.
“I’m listening,” I assured her but she didn’t look convinced.
“All I’m say is, I’m going to have a lot to learn, right?”
I shrugged, “It’s not as if we’ve all had personality transplants or something El, it’s the same people in different settings. Don’t I have stuff to learn too, for example, George?”
She bit her lip and looked to her lap, my sister wasn’t shy, but this had made her go slightly silent. I had no idea who George was, not really, anyway. I didn’t know how long she’d been with him for, how she’d met him, if they’d gone public before, nothing. I didn’t even know his last name. He seemed to care about her a lot, and I wondered if she could even see that. I wondered if she could even see how much a lot of people actually cared about her.
“What about him?” Her train of innocence was very much evident to me. If she was ever offered an acting career I don’t think she would even be able to convince herself it was a good idea.
Outside, small patters of rain began to dot themselves on the glass of the windows; the light of the day was seeping away, replaced by a heavy overhang of clouds. We were silent as we watched the downfall gradually get heavier and then I made my way to the window, pulling it shut and mopping up the rainwater that had entered with a sheet of kitchen roll.
“Well what do you think,” these words were a sigh, a rhetorical question that hung in the air as she pondered upon it.
She smoothed over her leggings as if this was necessary, curling her toes in her plimsolls and blowing her loose pieces of hair from her face. She drew in a deep breath before she spoke, “Mum set us up a few weeks before Christmas last year,”
“Wait, Mum set you up?” I asked sceptically, raising my eye-brows, her name felt sour on my tongue and I wasn’t sure whether it was just the energy drink Niall had made me try at lunch or something else.
“Yes, don’t give me that look, I actually like him and he likes me.” She continued to protest, and I looked up at her and wondered if these things were true. It was weird for her to sound so true. She was good at lying to herself though – you could call her a hopeless romantic – so desperate for love she told herself anything was good enough.
“Ellie, I’m sorry but everyone likes you.” I admitted, I looked up at her to see her reaction but she hardly seemed fazed. She bit her lips as she aimlessly examined her nails, releasing a sigh before looking up at me again.
“No, he doesn’t just like me because I’m me Ashley. It’s not like he needs money or anything, his Dad owns some big ass company anyway. That’s probably why Mum set me up with him to be honest, double money, right? But it’s okay, because he’s actually really, really sweet. So just be happy for me, yeah?”
I blinked at her for a few seconds and then I closed my eyes, touching my fingertips to my temples as if this actually hurt my head. Upstairs I could hear the shouts of Niall and the others arguing over video games. Outside I could hear the rain still tumbling down onto the land. Inside I could hear nothing but the tension and silence that spread between us with what we did and didn’t know about the other. And then I opened my eyes again, crossed the room and pulled a stall sitting a few metres away from her. I chewed on my lip for a few seconds, savouring this quietness that asked for my response to her speech.
“And you’re not, and haven’t been, seeing anyone else?” I asked coolly, and my mind cast to Louis who I was pretty sure was with the others now. Liam and Zayn were up there too, they had gone through the other door.
I saw her hesitate. I saw her suck up her bottom lip behind her teeth, drop her gaze to the floor and aimlessly fumble with the ends of loose pieces of hair that fell hauntingly around her cheekbones. She began to make small movements with her ankle, and I could tell she was panicking inside. I felt something rise inside of me, something that made me want to scream at her for her stupidity, but I bit it back down, not wanting to ruin something that hadn’t even really aroused yet.
“No,” she said, “of course I haven’t.”
I shrugged, and already regretted asking this. I didn’t know why I felt the need to pick on her – even if indirectly – when she had only just really returned. I suddenly hated myself for it, but I tried to pass this on.
“Okay,” I agreed. “So when do I meet him?” I was trying to veer away from my question which I already regretted, but my sister wasn’t stupid, but maybe that made her smart enough to not pursue it further anyway.
She raised her eye-brows, “haven’t you already?”
“Formally, I mean.” I cast a glance behind me out the window, the rain was getting heavier, and the wind was picking up, throwing the branches of trees back and forth in it’s currant.
“Whenever I guess, I’m sure he’ll have the audacity to fit around your busy timetable.” It was just a little comment, her way of throwing a snippy remark on something else that had changed since she’d left. Her way of getting at me a little bit, the way she said it slightly sharp, the flick of her tongue at the end and the eye-roll she gave as she turned around that was a lucky shot if I would see it. I did.
I sighed, and felt a little bit of annoyance bubbling inside of me. It was the fusion of disappointment too, because I suppose there’s really nothing worse when you expect something to be so beautifully perfect and then it’s the opposite. You spend so long agonising over making everything so joyful and easy, and you think the way things fold out will be neat and just how they are in all those movies. But the truth was that this was my family – what was left with it – we were grumpy. We took our own problems out on each other, we made each other’s lives a misery and sometimes we took pride in it. So I turned around and began fumbling with some kitchen roll, I creased my brow and stole a quick glance back at my sibling with the smug look on her face- my silence was her victory.
Then I muttered, “How considerate,” and began preparing dinner. We did not utter another word.
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A/N.
it's bad, it's bad, so freaking bad.
and it's a filler and you have waited so long for this and I have re-written parts of it so much I literally want to rip my hair out and you're all gonna hate me and oh
I'm so sorry:(
I honestly can't even tell you when the next update will be idek but I will try and make it quicker and better than this one is.
Oh and for those who I haven't already told since I get asked this question literally every day: I have deleted my twitter and did ageees ago ok.
I have been told that nobody wants to know about my personal life so I won't write anything too much okkk
But read this though: I was thinking right how cool would it be if you all sent me questions (to my tumblr, on here, on my ask whatever) and I gathered them together over a certain time period and then chose some to answer in a video?:3 what are your thoughts pleeease let me know
I love you very very much and thank you so much if you're putting up with my ridiculously slow and shit updates ok hope to see you soon!:3
-Emily.