TW// self-harm, mentions of self-hate / anorexia / purging
Bad looked at me dead in the eyes with a very worried expression plastered on his face.
"Skeppy?"
BadBoyHalo's Point Of View:
The tweet that Skeppy thought he managed to scroll by caught me off guard. It confused me a lot, especially the way Skeppy reacted. I don't remember him being serious, but it did mention 'a previous stream'.
Skeppy had a blank facial expression, impossible for someone to read. However I could tell he was panicking. Not wanting to make him any more uncomfortable, I tried changing the subject pretending to not have read anything.
"Skeppy, do you want to log onto the SMP?" I asked and his hands moved automatically, closing the previously opened tabs and loading Minecraft. I laid my head on his shoulder, waiting for the server to open, which it did not long after.
My connection had been pretty bad lately, due to some people working on the internet cords. It does get irritating sometimes but it's not like I used the internet much lately. Probably for the better.
We played a bit, mostly just walking around not doing anything important. More donations came through asking questions about how living with each other was, if I swore off camera; at which I scoffed at and if Skeppy had met Rat.
Everything seemed to be going back to normal as the air between us didn't feel as tense. Another notification came up but this time it was Puffy calling us on Discord. Skeppy answered the call, and both of our ears were filled with her sweet and soft voice.
"Muffinhead! Skeppy! Where have you guys been? Especially you Bad, it feels like ages since the last time I spoke to you!" Oh boy, where have I been... I want to tell Puffy, I trust her but right now we are streaming. Maybe later.
"I have just been busy. Like always." I said with an awkward laugh at the end of the sentence. She hummed in response understanding, used to that always being my excuse. "Well, how are you Skeppy?" her voice spoke once again. "Been good, just chilling."
Our conversation continued with Puffy asking some silly questions to lighten up the mood. She might have just came here but she wasn't oblivious. She could tell something was going on.
"Hey Skeppy" she started "Does Bad snore in his sleep?" Skeppy smirked at me, making a dramatic facial expression before answered "Oh, yes Puffy, he does! I haven't slept in so long, oh help me!" he whined, dragging out each word.
Laughter filled the call as I rolled my eyes but not in an annoyed way. I missed this. Streaming, playing with friends and just making jokes. Why was I such a coward? Everything and everyone seemed so nice? Is it because he is here? Do they just care about him and not me?
The stream carried on, us three messing around, other people popping in here and there to say hello. A notable appearance was Quackity's who didn't hesitate to start arguing with Skeppy for meeting up with me and also being taller than the both of us.
It was getting late and since neither of us had eaten lunch we decided to wrap up the stream, saying we would do it again and give updates when and if possible. Skeppy gave me a peck on the forehead and like the stream ended.
Things have been going so well that had almost forgotten about what happened earlier on in the day. I didn't want to confront him about it, seeing how uncomfortable it made him. Maybe later, probably isn't that important right?
My train of thought was cut short by his now bittersweet voice speaking. "I am sorry Bad." He spoke up. Why was he apologizing? Did I do something bad again? I don't want him to feel sorry.
This is all your fault. You are tiring him; forcing him to keep a smile on his face so that you don't feel bad. Freak.
I shouldn't be thinking like this right now, especially not in front of him. I grasped my chest and leaned forward as a growing pain inside my chest began to take over. I couldn't breathe again. A hand was placed on my shoulder and made me look up.
Just as I did, I was pulled into a warm hug by Skeppy. "Breathe with me Bad, calm down" I tried, I really did but everything seemed so hard. I haven't hyperventilated in so long, I didn't know what to do.
Skeppy looked at me again and pressed a kiss on my lips, staring at me with a sad expression. He looked so beautiful. The dark caramel coloured eyes laying their gaze upon me. It felt so warm yet so cold it hurt.
More tears were threatening to escape me, even though I have been crying for so long. Every time I did, I couldn't help but feel disgusting. I had everything I wanted in this whole world yet I still cry. You are so weak.
I have had these thoughts before, however right now they felt different. It was like Skeppy was saying them to me. I know he wouldn't, why am I thinking of him this way. I am a horrible person.
I was too tired and just wanted to disappear. I leaned on his body and stopped moving. He was stunned by my actions. "Are you okay? Please talk to me." Skeppy said, or at least I think. His mouth moved but I couldn't hear it. My head was spinning so fast it was hard to focus on one thing.
My heart felt heavy and so did my eyes lids which slowly but surely closed and drifted off to sleep.
I am sorry Skeppy for not answering. I am sorry for worrying you. I hope you can forgive me. I hope I can wake up and tell you how much I love you.
I woke up, in the same filled again. It looked as beautiful as it did the first time I was here. Although I had a feeling, or rather, I knew something bad was bound to happen; I just wanted to relax even for a bit.
The cornflowers swung back and forward as the wind hit them, being stronger than usual. Sooner or later, it started to rain a lot so I just sat there waiting, knowing there is no place for me to take cover.
I sigh in disappointment, only wanting to get up and out of this dream to talk to Skeppy. He probably is worried sick right now, asking for me to answer him and wake up. Opening and closing my eyes did nothing; I could not wake up for the life of me. Why?
Maybe I should take this time to reflect on myself? I am not really the best at that. I avoid opening up about my feelings but I probably should...
I know I love him no matter what and have for a while now. However I always put my feelings aside so as to not bother him or ruin our friendship. That is the last thing I want. Now as it for my mental health, I think it is getting better. I owe it all to Skeppy.
The thoughts of me ending it all are still there. Cutting, starving and purging seem to be at the top of my priority list. I need to fix that but it seems so hard. If I told this to Skeppy, he would probably be disappointed in me. I am disappointed with myself.
The rain was coming down with the same pace but this time it felt more relaxing. My thought was cut short from a thunder that had struck probably not far away from here. I always hated lighting. It made me yelp and jump, not sure why though.
As time progresses, I am getting more tired and tired but I can't wake up. Who knew that the place I felt the most comfort in, I would trade anything to get out of.
My eyes closed but this time it wasn't forced and it felt nice. I would finally wake up. That is how dreams work right? When you fall asleep in one you wake up in real life. At least I hope so...
Skeppy's Point Of View:
I don't remember panicking so much in my whole entire life. Seeing Bad passed out on his bed with me next to him, holding his hand, was not the ideal situation I would rather be in right now.
He has been like this for two- actually, almost three hours. His skin was pale but it seemed to be getting better now. He would randomly flinch and whimper in his sleep, I hope he isn't having a nightmare...
Just as I was as about to zone out in my train of thoughts, I felt the grip around my hand get tighter. I look and saw Bad's emerald green eyes staring at me. For a second I thought I was dreaming; shortly realizing I wasn't, I leaned forward to hug him.
He was awake and alive!
My heart was pumping fast from how overwhelmed I felt. His hands travel to my back when he suddenly pulls me, motioning for me to sit next to him. When I sat next to him, he didn't hesitate to bury his face in my chest; a few muffled and chocked sobs echoed in the room.
"Skeppy, am I dre-aming? I-is this real?" His voice finally spoke but it sounded broken and scared. "No Bad, this is real. You are safe now." Hopefully that reassured him a little bit. "How long have I been sleeping?" I don't want to tell him the truth. He might be upset with himself...
"Not that long, don't worry. We still have time to lay down" A few inaudible noises where made before a sentence I could actually understand. "We still have time? Wh-what do you mean?"
I groan in my mind, unsure of what to answer. On one hand I can tell him about the food we need to eat but on the other hand that might make him anxious. This is the worst.
"Um, if you want I was thinking of going out and eating something since the weather seems nice." I blurt out. I might as well tell him, he would find out sooner or later. I just don't want to worry him.
There was a few seconds of silence but it didn't feel awkward. "S-sure, I guess..." A smile formed across my face and I am pretty sure my eyes lit up. This is a lot of progress. I let out a fit of giggles and I guess Bad couldn't help but join in with me, even though his were a bit more confused, not sure why I just started laughing.
"W-why are we laughing?" he asked in between small laughs. I stopped and dark brown met green as our eyes locked with each other. "I am proud of you Bad." I reach next to me and nuzzle my nose to his. "Geppy, what are you doing?" "Showing my love for you..."
I am slowly starting to get tired and I felt more and more loopy. "Bad, when exactly do you want us to get food?" I asked hoping he would say a bit later, since I could barely focus on anything right now. "Hmm, maybe a bit later if you don't mind? I want to keep cuddling with you for a little longer."
Messing with his hair I mumble an 'ok' before fully closing my eyes. "I am going to sleep for a bit. Sorry; tell me if you need anything kay?" I slurred out almost too tired to even speak properly. "Okay, you muffinhead..."
Bad removed his hands from my waist and turned around so that his back was now facing me. I wrap my arms around him and I can hear his glasses being placed on the desk. "Sleep well..." "You too..."
BadBoyHalo's Point Of View:
'Proud of me'
Those words had a nice ring to them, but I knew they weren't true. How can he be proud of me? I didn't do anything to deserve such praise. I am still how I was before, with the same mindset even. I am such a mess...
I rub my eyes trying to stay awake so I can get out of bed. I knew it might upset Skeppy and that is why I am going to make sure that he is sleeping before I do so. I stayed silent until I heard light snoring from behind me. Pushing his arms lightly, so as to not wake him up, I got out of bed.
I tried avoiding Lucy because she might bark. I am really paranoid now. This is helping anyone. Maybe I shouldn't do it... cut myself again. Why do even want to do that? My head hurts so much...
Making my way down the staircase I went inside the bathroom. The marbled floor felt colder than usual. My head starting spinning and I started trembling so I grabbed the sink, trying not to fall.
I rolled up my sleeves and took my bandages off. I cringed at the sensation of the cold air hitting the still open wounds. I shouldn't be doing this right now... I open the cabinet in front of me only to find the blades missing. Of course he had taken them all away.
Luckily I always kept some hidden around the room for good measure. I stumbled my way further into the room to get one behind some shampoos. I cleaned it and placed it next to me.
The air suddenly began to feel hotter and hotter. I pulled the hoodie over my head so that my shoulders were exposed. I had never cut them; I could try it. It would also be harder to notice. Perfect.
Staying still debating whether or not I should do this I picked up the razor blade and put it next to my left shoulder. Just as I was about to cut, I heard a voice next me, probably outside of the bathroom.
"Bad!"
Skeppy's Point Of View:
I moved my arms only to realize that Bad wasn't there. Where did he go? I got out of the warm bed almost falling by how fast I got up. I began walking downstairs and noticed that the bathroom's door was open.
I sprinted down the hallway, not caring if I tripped on anything. Which I almost did because I didn't notice Lucy's small body. I muttered an apology before looking into the room. And it was a sight to behold.
Bad had a razor next to his shoulder, with his shirt pulled down. I could see the previous bandages in the sink, the inside of them still filled with blood. I was dumbfounded. My jaw opened and I couldn't form any words.
Trying to process what was happening, I could see his hand moving closer and closer to his shoulder. "Bad!" I screamed. His eyes widened when they met mine. The razor fell out of his grip.
I rushed forward and took it from the floor, holding in tightly, without hurting myself, so that he couldn't take it back.
I shouldn't have slept. I had to be more careful.
"I-I a-" I cut him off by speaking instead. "No Bad. I don't want to hear excuses." I said a bit rudder than intended; I wasn't disappointed in him. I was just scared for him. I heard a chocked sob coming from him. I looked at his face which was covered with tears.
"I- I am s-sor—y" he managed to say. I placed my free hand on his shoulder and smiled. "No, I am sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. He walked forward and hugged me. He mumbled 'I am sorry' a few more times before erupting with cries.
Every time I think everything is back to normal, and that we are both happy I am proven wrong. Is this how everyday was for him?
I stroked his hair, which seemed to calm him down. We stayed like that for a bit until I felt something munching on my sock. I turned around and low and behold, it was the one and only Rat.
I laughed a bit, picking her up. Bad put his hoodie back on again and left the bathroom. My giggles stopped as I saw him go up and stairs and the sound of a door closing and being locked, echoed in the hallway.
I let Lucy go and she jumped off, following where her owner went. I was right behind her the whole time, knowing exactly how she felt. She started to scratch the door and let out a few whimpers. I quickly ran downstairs and placed the blade on top of one of the kitchen shelves.
I run upstairs again and Rat was still scratching the door, begging to see Bad which he eventually gave up and opened the room's door. She sprinted inside and so did I, by hugging Bad in the process.
"I am sorry Bad, please don't apologize. I should have been more careful with what I said and did. I am so sorry." I said rubbing my head on his shoulder. He stood still before both of his arms gripped my hoodie. "Don't apologize..."
I ignored what he said, knowing it is my fault. He is probably thinking the same, blaming himself for everything. I don't want that.
"I-I promised you... I s-said that I wouldn't c...cut myself anymore." He stopped his sentence as I shushed him. At this point I didn't know who was in the wrong.
"Bad, what do you want to do?" he moved his head up "Hm? What do you m-mean?" I sighed and lead him to sit on his bed, so that we could be a bit more comfortable. "I want to do something that makes you happy."
A couple of seconds passed before he answered my question. "Can we, stay like this for a bit? I couldn't enjoy our c-cuddles earlier I was; thinking about other stuff." Knowing what he meant by "other stuff" I nodded and didn't move a muscle. Staying like this was nice anyways.
"Bad" he hummed in response "I want you to know that I love you." A blush appeared on his face as the words escaped my mouth.
"I love you too Skeppy..."
[Word Count:3.094]
[Author's Note]:
I am sorry that I have been gone for so long D: I will make up for it by publishing another big chapter hopefully later this week. I would like to say a big that you for 5k views, that is just incredible. Also thank you to anyone who voted or commented on my story, I highly appreciate that! :] Sorry for the POV changes in this chapter, I hope it wasn't annoying QwQ. Look forward to the next one because these two have something to talk about.
-Mel