Chapter 36
Hazel POV
Downstairs, the TV is droning on and on about a Wal-Mart recall. The newscaster woman is too nasally for my liking.
Perched in the middle of my bed, I dig my fingers into my sheets, feeling foreign in my own room. I stare at my light beige walls and I half wish I was staring at the white-washed walls of my room back in Point Fortuna.
We had gotten back from Point Fortuna a week ago and there is still no sign of Coda.
My heart clenches and I swallow hard, the tears long dried out.
There is a hesitant knock on my door and I ignore it, the guilt I used to feel for ignoring my family slowly disappearing day by day.
There is another knock, persistent.
“Haz?” Addy asks cautiously, her voice slightly muffled.
I close my eyes, flopping back on my bed when I hear my door knob jiggle slightly.
“Please let me in,” she says quietly.
I can’t do it. I can’t ignore her.
It was odd to hear the softness and uncertainty in her voice, like she was afraid of breaking me.
“Come in.”
I step off my bed and unlock the door, opening it slightly before heading back to my bed, my sheets wrinkled.
She watches me carefully, gingerly sitting next to me on the bed and I suddenly feel like we’re strangers.
That thought alone makes my eyes sting.
If there was one thing I regretted with Coda, it was that I had gotten more distant with Addy.
I ignored my entire family because I blamed them all for making Coda leave. Even if Jeremy was the one who actually forced Coda out, my family just stood by and watched.
Addy though—
Even if she did agree with Coda leaving, I couldn’t be the most angry with her because in all honestly, I had let her down as a best friend.
In our tense silence, one that I had grown accustomed to, Addy clears her throat lightly before gently placing her hand over mine.
I stare at the floor.
“I’m sorry,” she tells me quietly.
“For what?” I ask. I am surprised but the tone of my voice is eerily empty.
I expect her to say ‘everything’ or some water shed answer about how she was just sorry because I was going through a situation like this.
Instead she says, “I’m sorry for wanting Coda to leave.”
And just like that, there is a roaring in my ears as I snap my head to look at her.
She doesn’t look at me, looking somewhat ashamed and I begin to wonder when our friendship had began to be filled with tense silences and sullen looks.
“I was so jealous—I was jealous that you had Coda, jealous of the fact that you spent so much time with him, jealous of the fact that you two clearly love each other and I was stuck with my stupid crush on Jeremy that I’ve had since second grade and—“
She stops to take a breath, her sudden outburst shocking me.
Tears swim in her eyes and my heart breaks.
“When Coda left, I was glad. I’m sorry,” she tells me brokenly, squeezing my hand and looking up at me. “I don’t enjoy the fact that you are in pain, I swear, I love you too much to do that but I thought that with him gone, you would run back to me except—“ she shakes her head slightly, tears running down her face. “Except you didn’t run to me. You didn’t run to anyone. You just barricaded yourself away. You are dealing with everything by yourself and I realize now that you have changed so much— you are braver, stronger now. And I think to myself, maybe you have become so strong that you don’t need anyone else to help and I guess if that’s the case, I’m proud of you because you’re not a pushover any more but that’s means that you don’t need me anymore—“
“Oh Addy,” I say, choking. I pull her in for a fierce hug, both of us crying. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my contract with Coda and everything happening. I got too caught up in my own life to even remember that I was forgetting about you.”
She tries to protest but I continue.
“The truth is, I am not okay. I feel like I am in an impassive daze, answering and doing all of the right things just… I guess I feel really empty, like I am waiting for him to come back but I know that he won’t,” I tell her.
“Why did you let him go?” she asks, curious.
It was such a simple and innocent question, not meant to be accusing at all yet I recoiled.
Why did I let him go so easily?
I try to think of so many excuses, Excuses like— I was too shocked that Jeremy would kick Coda out, I was not myself, I don’t know where Coda is—
But in all honesty, I could see Jeremy’s point. I was scared to death.
Everything with Cordero and Rick caught up with me so fast and in what seemed like a split second, I realized that Coda and I could literally die.
Was all of this worth enough for me to risk not only my life but my family’s life?
I flop back on to my bed and Addy falls back with me, our fingers intertwined.
“You messed you,” she says. It’s more of a statement. It didn’t sound accusatory at all, more like she was reading my thoughts.
I did mess up.
I rest my free hand over my eyes and try to ignore the ache in my ribs.
“I am so scared Addy. When we got in that accident, they were really going to kill us and I feel like such a coward, but I don’t want to die,” I tell her, my throat closing.
“but you love him?” She asks me, trying to piece together my situation.
Did I love Coda?
I think back to the moment he confronted Jeremy, yelling that he loved me and my heart begins to race all over again.
Man did I miss that boy so much.
Addy takes me silence as an affirmative and she sighs heavily.
“I’m all for the die-hard love, you know me. I love romantic proclamations and note-book worthy kisses that are hot enough to make your face grow so red that I can fry an egg on it—“ I giggle at her choice of words. “but, I want to be sensible here. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
I consider her words, the silence comfortable between us when I suddenly realize something.
“When did we get so mature? We literally went from me throwing your favorite pack of Oreos at Jeremy to talking about life and death situations,” I tell her.
She snorts, squeezing my hand. “I am techniquely the reason behind you and Coda’s get together. I made you get more Oreos at eleven at night and he jumped into your car.”
I groan. “Oh yeah. I almost forgot. That feels like ages ago.”
“Yeah,” she murmurs, our laughter dying down. “It does.”
We go silent after that, both of us engrossed in our thoughts.
~*~
I am running.
My breathes are coming out in pants as the pounding footsteps behind me get closer.
My heart is going to burst out of my chest and I am heaving a noise of fear—foreign even to me.
“I am coming for you.”
Rick’s voice fills my head, ricocheting off of the walls of an alley that are closing in on me.
Ahead of me, the light is growing dimmer and when I squint, I can see Coda.
He is kneeling on the ground, screaming in pain as he hovers over the body of a younger boy.
“No Ridge. Stay with me,” Coda yells over and over again.
My voice is stuck in my throat.
Oh no, not Ridge. Please don’t let him experience this again I think to myself, tears on my face.
I want to scream out Coda’s name, tell him that Rick and Cordero are right behind me.
I feel like I am running slowly through time, the walls now pressing against my arms as I try to break through and reach Coda.
A shadowed figure emergences from the alley opposite of me, Coda’s back to him.
I scream but there is no sound.
The figure raises his hand, blood dripping from the gun he is holding down to his forearm. He points it straight at Coda.
“Coda!” I scream, my voice a jolt of electricity that has me surging out from between the walls.
The walls around me suddenly disappear and I am standing in the middle of the road, watching Coda look up at me.
He is covered in blood and the look in his eyes freezes me to the ground.
“Hazel,” He murmurs, staggering towards me.
I want to tell him to watch out, to look behind him but Coda only stares at me, a look of relief on his face.
“We’re okay, I love you—“ he says, reaching for me.
He is an arm’s length away and just as I reach out there is a gun shot.
I scream and Coda jerks.
Two more gunshots ring out and Coda’s body is jerked about like a puppet on strings.
Coda drops and I stare at his body in horror, my body shaking and wracking with my screams.
I reach for his body and there is another gun shot.
Pain rips through my ribs, rippling across my chest as I scream one final time.
My body hits the ground so hard my scream is cut off momentarily.
My ears are ringing and I am ensnared, the darkness all consuming.
No, not Coda. Please no.
I am thrashing, trying to get hands off of me and all I can think is that Coda is dead.
“Hazel, wake up!” I hear someone yell, water hitting my face without warning. I choke, spluttering out water.
My heart is still beating fast as the lights turn on and flood the room.
I stare wide-eyed at Addy whose hands are on my shoulder in an attempt to hold me down.
My ribs are aching again.
Addy is crying again and when I finally catch my breath, I look up to see Jeremy half perched on my dresser beside me, his shoulders slumped with his face buried in his hands.
I can’t speak, the panic feeling all so real.
I can’t breathe.
Coda. Coda. Coda.
I begin to trash again and Addy is holding my face, telling me something that I can’t hear past the pressure in my ears.
Gwen is next to Addy, pulling the sheets I had tangled myself into off of me and without the feeling off being trapped anymore, I try to gulp a breath of air.
I feel light-headed and I almost wish I could pass out from this panic attack.
Every night the same dream happened and every night ended like this.
My eyes dart from Gwen to Jeremy. Both of them have gotten slightly accustomed to me panic episodes, Addy however looks terrified. She has seen me have panic attacks but not ones as bad as this.
“Hazel, are you okay?” Addy asks again, biting her lip to hold back tears.
I try to take a deep breath but it lodges in my throat and I try to move the hair out of my face, the strands sticking to me face either from my sweat or the glass of water Addy had thrown in my face.
I can’t talk.
The pressure in my chest is still there and I can’t get rid of the image of Coda’s body jerking in the air out of my head.
“I’m fine,” I say, breathlessly, not sure who I am trying to convince.
“Hazel, baby, you have to see someone about this. This is happening every night now,” Gwen begins to tell me, her own voice weary. Addy’s eyes widen as she realizes just how bad off I am.
I stand shakily, trying to push their hands off of me.
I feel like puking.
“I’m fine. I- I just—“ I try to form my thoughts. “I just need to be alone right now.”
“Hazel,” Gwen tries to protest. I ignore her, avoiding her when she tries to grab my hand.
When I pass by Jeremy, his hand reaches out to gently grasp my forearm and I roughly pull it out of his grasp, not wanting to look at him.
He looks just as pitiful as me with red rimmed eyes, dark circles and a look of hurt in his eyes.
“Hazel, babygirl, please don’t shut yourself away like this. Please,” he pleads with me. His voice is so broken, so hurt and I can’t take it anymore.
Ripping my arm from his grasp, I flee to the bathroom and shut it behind me, locking it.
Pressing my back against the door, I sink to the floor, trying to get my breathing to slow and normal.
I close my eyes, pressing my hands to my ears.
I’m right here Il Mio Cuore, I’m right here.
I can almost hear Coda again, his soothing voice half laden with sleep and the other with concern.
Tears fill my eyes again and I try to keep breathing properly, my ribs hurting so much.
Every movie and book I had ever watched or read ended with a happy ending, a promise that no matter what, love would prevail but as I sit on the cold floor, shaking and trying to calm my own panic attack, I finally begin to listen to the truth that’s been told to me over and over again.
Life isn’t fair and there isn’t always a happy ending.
“Hazel, sweetheart, please come out,” Jeremy pleads from outside.
I ignore him, trying not to contain my sobs.
“I did what was best for you. I would have rather have you hate me then end up hurt or dead—“ his voice cracks and I feel the door shift slightly as he leans against the door too, slowly sinking to the floor.
I ignore him.
Just bring Coda back.
I hear him sigh heavily in defeat, his head thumping back against the door as I pull my knees up to my chest.
~*~
A/N- It's sad, I know, BEAR WITH ME PLESAE. I have to be realistic. Many of you were upset that Hazel let Coda go so easily. but they are dealing with a vicious gang of people who murder and steal (granted I am not portraying the gang as bad as I imagine them to be because I honestly don't think I can bring myself to write a string of curse words and horrifying scenes all in the name of making a gang seem believable) but my point is that Hazel is scared and there is this tension between her realization that they are dangerous and her love for Coda. I am trying to give her time to figure out which one is more important to her.
Secondly, A lot of you seem to hate Jeremy and though I understand why you are upset (hello! bring back Coda already!) keep in mind that Jeremy is fiercely protective of Hazel. She is his baby sister and I feel like throughout the story, I have actually done a semi-good job of developing the strong relationship between Jeremy and Hazel. Also, yay for some more Addy and Hazel time!
Thank you guys for your patience, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it was jam packed with emotion. As a side note, I am missing the humor that this story started out with but tbh, my forte is writing dramatic and emotional scenes. I love me a good drama lol ;)
I will try to update soon. I promise! Please don't forget to comment and vote!
Love, Sabrina (the girl who is on her sixth cup of tea at 2 in the morning)