There was no one that could push me to my limits quite like Jimin. I had always been a peaceful guy, always resolved my anger through non-destructive mechanisms, but after so many years by his side, he had what I like to call the Jimin Effect. A mere look of disdain had my heart beating fast, hurtful and intentional words had the fists that I never learned how to use properly swinging aimlessly in the air. He absolutely loved to see me lose control over him, whether it be because of his body on me or stirring my brain until I'm not myself anymore ㅡ he wanted whatever he could get. Even after understanding that, I still couldn't help acting the way that I did.
It was all true. I had begun to despise him for what he'd done to me, for the feelings he caused me. But perhaps what we became to each other was far worse. We were blind to each other's feelings, I could not see or understand how much I'd hurt him ㅡ the hows, whys, whens completely escaping from me. I could no longer blame him for the result of years of unresolved feelings, so I decided to put a stop to it. Reaching that conclusion was hard in itself, Hell, it took us more than ten years to speak openly to each other and even now, it's not all sincere. There's too much pride involved, we were nurturing something that was no longer love. I had a nemesis for a best friend and a lover.
We were obsessed with each other. This rotten love has to end before it kills us from inside out.
It surely hurt enough to make me cry. It was the first time that I cried for him. I cried for the little boy I met that no longer exists, for what we could be if we had been more honest, more responsible with each other's feelings. There is no spring that can melt away my snowy days.
And so she came another time, alongside the lunar new year, heating up our afternoons and evenings. Spring. Everchanging my surroundings, but never my core.
I received a phone call right after the lunar new year that confused me. It was Seokjin on the line, he had disappeared for a while because of wedding preparations.
"Taehyungie! Are you not speaking to Jimin again?" He asked in all casualness.
I cleared my throat and deeply furrowed my eyebrows, surprised by the sudden question. "Well... I wouldn't put it that way. Why?"
"Oh it's nothing, he mentioned something but wouldn't give too many details. I'm sorting some things out for the wedding", he continued and began rambling on about the preparations, seeming a lot more excited for the wedding than I thought he would be. I had always seen him as a ladies' man, so having him so excited to become someone's husband was a sight I'd never dream to see. It suits him well.
Omma helped me choose a suit to wear for the occasion because the one I still had no longer fit me, I got it in my early twenties and that skinny man was buried long ago. She seemed pretty excited about it, because, as she pointed out, my friend's marriage means that I'm closer to marriage as well. I made sure to not get her hopes up and said 'can't marry if there's no bride'.
"Why would there be no bride?" Her eyes widened as though she had seen a ghost.
"'Cause Ye-ji won't marry me", I teased her endless innuendos about Ye-ji and I dating.
She clicked her tongue against her teeth and slapped my arm, refocusing her attention on the bowtie I was trying.
"I look like a child", I said as I analyzed myself in the tall mirror. The black suit fit me well, but it was rather boring and common, since it didn't accentuate my skin tone, and as I turned around, it didn't do my silhouette any favors. Alongside the childish bowtie omma had picked up for me, this was certainly not the best I could do.
She laughed at me checking my butt through the mirror. "What?" I asked, she ignored me.
I ended up choosing something that was the complete opposite of what she advised, and not even buying a tie. She complained in the car, asking why would I even invite her if I wasn't going to listen to her. I never listen to her, she says, and I ignored it in order to keep myself out of an unnecessary argument. We could at least agree on one thing: jajangmyeon.
Omma cleaned a slob of black bean sauce dripping down her chin. "Let me fix you a date."
"Omma", I rolled my eyes.
"Just go on this one date, Taehy. Let omma help you", she had already gotten her hopes up. She either really believed she could get me a date, or she was very desperate.
"I'm actually very good at getting myself dates, but thank you", I said to reassure her. Lies.
Jungkook was in my head while we spoke on and on about blind dates. I never actually saw him on campus and found myself disappointed by it, and feeling foolish every time I sprayed extra perfume just in case. I thought of how I couldn't really get myself the date that I wanted, because it was too delicate, and it wouldn't be fair to him to go on a date with me when I'm still emotionally attached to Jimin. I told that to myself to keep me away from the handphone, assuming that he probably wouldn't want to go on a date with me anyways.
//
It was nearly the end of March and I had spent months secluded, not going out with anyone or seeking one night stands as I usually would, with one objective in mind: be comfortable. Being glad by myself, until my own company was no longer bothersome.
Omma told me over and over to take pictures of Jimin and me at the wedding. I was mentally preparing myself to have an honest conversation with him for weeks but ended up always postponing it to the next weekend, and to the next weekend, and to the next one. Coward.
I fixed my hair back, thanking myself for making the right decision on a caramel-colored suit a few weeks prior to the wedding. I probably would get a lot of shit from ahjummas for not wearing a tie, but instead, I had my white shirt's buttons undone and the small V-neck revealed a small portion of flesh from my collarbones and a delicate green necklace, all complimenting my skin tone and body. The high-waisted bold choice looked good on me, and I certainly felt confident in it.
It was the first time I saw anyone that isn't a co-worker, omma or Ye-ji since abeoji's improvised memorial. I arrived in the ballroom with no date by my side, as expected. Seokjin was at the reception with his parents, both of them sporting a beautiful suit, and his mother, a traditional lilac hanbok.
Seokjin smiled warmly, opening his arms to welcome me with a hug. I took it awkwardly, considering we never had this kind of interaction before. "You're alive", he said, making fun of my disappearing.
"Congratulations, hyung", I said, still trapped in his arms. "You look great."
He thanked me, long black locks stayed perfectly in place as he moved his head in a subtle bow.
"You too, omma", I turned to Seokjin omma, who tilted her head a little at my omma treatment, seeming surprised but not exactly enjoying it. After all, we barely met a few times, but Seokjin was my hyung after all. She didn't complain, so I invested in more flattery. "You look gorgeous."
"Where do you know my Jinnie from?" She adorably asked while I shook his appa's hand.
"College."
"So you're a lawyer too?" Seokjin abeoji asked back, giving me a lot more attention than I anticipated, while there was a line of people waiting behind me to greet the groom and family.
"No, I'm an academic."
They were surprised and gave me a big smile that matched Seokjin's. "You're a good looking young man, please enjoy yourself."
A man that I recognized to be his hyung appeared from behind the counter, he was in charge of collecting the gifts, and so I walked the few steps there to hand him my contribution to the wedding in a white envelope filled with four 50,000 won bills.
"Seok-woo", I acknowledged the hyung I had met once or twice in my life, but enjoyed his house in the countryside very well, so I made sure to treat him nicely. "How's the wife?"
"She's good", he looked over his shoulder to look inside the ballroom. "Somewhere in there", he said after he couldn't find her. "If you see two children screaming, that's her."
His wife had given birth to twins a few years back, which was a huge event for Seokjin, who wouldn't shut up about it for the first two years. I really didn't care about seeing the baby's pictures, but it was a good sight to see uncle Jinnie, when one of the kids came running from inside, indeed yelling, and slapped hyung's butt. He pretended it hurt for the sake of the joke, and I found myself wholeheartedly smiling at the scene.
"Thank you", Seok-woo said to me in order to keep the line going.
I walked in and the MC was instructing everybody where to sit through the microphone, advising the groom's guests to sit on the left side of the ballroom, and the bride's guests on the right. My neck grew long as I tried to spot any familiar faces, walking by the tables slowly, awkwardly saying hello to anyone that looked back at me. The decoration was all lilac, red and golden, with beautiful natural flowers and a chandelier for each big round table to look at.
I spotted Hoseok first, sitting next to a girl, and as I approached them, every single head at the table turned to me.
"Woah!" Hoseok was the first to speak.
There were a few faces I recognized from Law school, mostly men, and Jungkook. Next to Jungkook, a woman whose eyes I could not forget.
"Damn", someone said.
"Seokjinnie appa said I look good", I joked as I comfortably sat on the vacant seat that I assumed they were saving for me, between Hoseok and Jungkook.
"You do", said the familiar voice by my right side. The man sporting all black, long hair combed back and side cut grown out, looked incredibly stunning.
I thanked him, and then my eyes automatically darted at the woman sitting next to him, watching every interaction with great interest and a smirk on her bold red lips. Before I could think of saying anything to her, she took the lead. "I've seen you before", her eyes grew smaller as she made an effort to remember my features.
"Yes, briefly", I tried my best to treat her nicely. "Hello", I spoke cordially to the woman who had nothing to blame.
I looked around, searching for Jimin on the table, but he wasn't there. I had taken the last vacant seat. "Where's Jimin?"
"Over there", Hoseok pointed out.
I elongated my neck to see beyond the tables, and there he was in all his glory, confidently speaking to whoever was sharing the table with him. With his hair parted in the middle and perfectly placed, his head tilted back as he smiled broadly, making conversation, living his life. He was apparently good, which was good. So why did it hurt to see him?
"Why is he sitting over there?"
Hoseok pouted his lips as though I already knew the answer to that question. I subtly pointed at myself, asking a silent question. He answered it silently as well, raising his eyebrows as though to say of course. I frowned, feeling bad that this was happening because of me.
This could only mean that he hated me for good, and I wasn't prepared for that. I wanted to have a conversation with him, to talk things through and understand his feelings as well as make myself understood.
Had I lost the timing?
"That suit is very you", Jungkook talked to me again. I spotted the girl's hand holding his arm, as though to mark her territory, with the corners of my eyes.
"That suit is very you too", I scanned him from head to toe, the entirety of his look being the same pitch-black tone, including the turtle neck under his blazer. "Bold choice."
"I told him it would be a good risk to take", the woman commented.
"Sure", I agreed.
"Your suit is a statement as well, I'm glad oppa has good fashion influences", she clearly adulated.
"You should have seen him in college", my perky tone that meant more than it said made Jungkook's big eyes stare at me, emotionless. I could tell he was nervous, preferring to stay quiet instead of letting the rare extrovert side of him show.
I got preoccupied with the glass of water in front of me, twisting it and making clicking sounds with my thin gold rings. Ye-ji and her boyfriend were nowhere to be seen, but Mi-soo and her husband arrived and said hello to me, and moved on to sit at their table. I pondered whether I should go sit with them, debating which option would be less uncomfortable. Hoseok spoke to me, but it sounded hollow, with the sound of a ballad playing softly in the background and Jungkook's girlfriend's voice in the distance and the sight of Jimin even more distant. I was not there. Neither was Ye-ji, and the ceremony was about to start.
"Have you seen Ye-ji?" I ignored whatever Hoseok said to me.
Perhaps if she was here this would be more fun.
"No", he simply answered and did not repeat what he said before, so I concluded it wasn't a question.
A handphone rang on the table, everybody looked around to check whose it was, including me. With Ye-ji's name flashing on my green screen, I let everybody know that it was my phone call. Before I answered the call, I got up from the table searching for a quiet place to speak. I ended up standing outside the bathroom.
"Ye-ji?"
"Tae! That son of a bitch", she said, voice trembling and heavy breathing against the handphone. "He left me out here", her voice shook one more time, incredibly distressed.
"Where are you?" I pressed the phone harder against my ear.
"I'm in the middle of the road, that son of a bitch", she wept. "I'm at the airport expressway, I don't know where exactly."
"Okay, hold on, I'm coming to get you", I hung up and quickly paced into the ballroom again. "I'll be right back, something came up."
"Is everything okay?" Hoseok worried as he analyzed my expression.
I searched further down the tables, to a spot that I had been looking at since I got there. This time, Jimin's eyes reciprocated my look, but I couldn't say or do anything besides rush out of there and into my jeep. His body moved, perhaps out of habit, but he stopped himself before he ended up following me.
The ballroom was situated in Gimpo, close to the international airport outside of Seoul. It was the busiest expressway in our province, perhaps the entire country, so it was a very dangerous place for pedestrians. There wasn't even a sidewalk for her to stand on, so I rushed out of the parking lot and searched for the nearest exit in my jeep.
I drove through the street as slow as I could without getting into an accident, keeping my eyes everywhere, the road, the side of the road, behind and in front of me, cursing for not asking Jimin or at least someone to come along and help me out. I thought about it thoroughly and concluded that, since she was coming to the wedding, she would probably be on the other side of the road, heading to Gimpo. After passing two turns, I took the third, judging it would be enough road to cover. After about two kilometers, I found a skinny, fragile figure holding itself and keeping her long hair on her face, only one eye looking out, standing out like a sore thumb in that grey colorless road. Ye-ji recognized my jeep and raised her hand to catch my attention, the one eye I could see being widened and scared.
I carefully parked and opened the door from the inside. She got in so fast that our stop didn't take more than ten seconds, Ye-ji closed the door and out we were again, busy cars honking behind us because of a minor inconvenience. Her eyes were looking forward in shock, dry makeup rolled down her cheeks like thin spider webs and frail arms shaking, on edge. After getting into the safety of my car, she began to weep again.
"What happened?" I asked, keeping the same slow speed.
"He left me, that piece of shit", she screamed, punching the dashboard with her fists garnished by the delicate golden-colored rings and bracelets, eventually breaking the cheap jewelry. She had a baby pink long dress on, looking gorgeous for the ceremony. She gasped and gasped, wept and cried, and I just drove slowly, worrying that we would miss the ceremony, but waited patiently until she calmed down. Knowing her for so many years, I learned that this was the best that I could do when she became like this.
She cried and punched and cursed, until I needed to take a turn to go to the ballroom, and wondered what I should do.
"Where do you want to go?"
"I want to go home, please", she hiccuped.
"Okay."
I took a turn, knowing for a fact now that I would miss the ceremony. Seokjin hyung would have to forgive me.
"Things weren't going well..." She started once she calmed down a little, her deep voice still unstable. "I don't know why I'm like this... I wish I knew... I became a burden, so he discarded me- Called me crazy- Said he had enough of me."
"Why did he leave you on the road?"
"I thought he was cheating, so I asked, and then I lost my temper and punched him because I was sure he was seeing someone else. He said he was sick of me and left me to rot", she bit her lip to stop herself from weeping again and failed.
I brought my free hand to the tip of her pointy knee to comfort her, caressing the soft fabric and hopefully bringing some warmth. I couldn't believe someone could be this evil but focused on comforting her while fantasizing about all the things I would do to him next time he's in front of me. "Fucking douchebag."
"I'm sorry, Tae."
"Why are you sorry? He's the asshole."
"I'm too much for everyone in my fucking sorry life", she lowered her head, hiding flustered cheeks under her palms. "I'm the useless piece of shit."
"You don't understand", I patted her head, petting her straight hair into place as we began to drive down her neighborhood. "No one can compare to you, I wish you could see what I see."
"You're blind, always been."
"I'm not blind, I'm just an idiot", I said truthfully. "I'm sure it hurts a lot now, but a man like him, he didn't deserve your time. You're too much to him, in the best possible way."
"Do you have a tissue?" She hiccuped, apparently calmer now. As I parked outside of her apartment building, I opened the glove compartment and handed her a box of dry tissues that she used to wipe the makeup down her cheek.
"You looked better before", I teased.
She clumsily laughed, that one ugly, clumsy, victorious laugh you rip out of someone who had just been crying. I took a long look at her, feeling something odd inside of me, wanting to beat the sadness out of her and make it mine so she could see how wonderful she really is. I didn't want to leave her alone like this.
"Let's get ourselves something to eat", I proposed.
She paused without looking me in the eyes, a subtle crease between her lined eyebrows. "I should go up, and you should go back to the wedding. Thank you for coming to save me."
"No, let's eat something, come on. Seokjin hyung will understand", I insisted and lied.
"It's fine, please", she looked at me as though she was doing it for the first time, and caressed my cheek tenderly, almost motherly. "You look amazing."
"You too, actually", I smirked. "All this could be yours", I joked again, but she wasn't feeling it.
She rolled her eyes. "It could have been."
I bit my lip, taking in her bitter words and all her seriousness. "We were young and stupid."
"What's your excuse now?" She took an accusing tone, I assumed she was talking about Jimin. Or about herself?
"I don't have any", I said with regret.
"You take care of yourself, Taehy", her soft fingers caressed my cheek again, saying goodbye.
"You too, Seo Ye-ji", I pinched her chin, trying to show her my best spirit in the hopes that it will rub into her. But there was nothing but palpable sorrow between the two of us. She walked out of my car looking like a princess in that flowy dress blowing with the wind and holding her figure, exposing how much skinnier she had become, black hair cascading down her back and making her simple steps look like a melancholic catwalk.
//
I ran through the reception with the sun already set, my stomping filling that empty room that was swarmed by excited guests the first time I walked in. They were all inside now, I could hear the MC talking on the microphone behind big closed doors, telling the bride's friends to come forward.
"Kim Taehyung. I had an emergency", I said to the security, running out of breath. He quickly checked my name on the list and let me in.
The ceremony was over, there was sweat dripping from my temples that I dried with the back of my hand. It was picture time, the bride's many friends were standing next to the newlywed couple.
"Now it's time for the groom's guests, please come forward orderly", the MC instructed.
I quietly paced to join everyone in the big picture, glad that I would at least be eternalized as a part of the ceremony even though I didn't see a single minute of it. Hoseok and Jungkook seemed worried, surprised, and pissed to see me.
"What the fuck?" Hoseok shot me a look.
"Where were you?" Jungkook questioned.
"I had some problems with Ye-ji, but I figured it out", I fixed my suit. "She won't come anymore."
"Is she okay?" The girlfriend, who I hadn't acknowledged yet, seemed worried as well.
I shook my head and signaled for us to focus on positioning ourselves for the picture, where about thirty people were posing next to the bride and groom. I exchanged looks with Seokjin, who was smiling from ear to ear, eyes burning red giving away to everyone that he cried during the ceremony.
I smiled, took the directions from the photographer who took two photos, told us to squish together a little more, then flashed five more pictures before giving us a thumbs up. Then it was time for the families to pose, and our turn to return to our seats orderly. With slow steps, people walked to their place with easy smiles and laughs, a mood that I certainly wasn't equipped to match. Jimin shot me a brief inquisitive look, looking up and down, then turning his head before I could say anything.
He used to be the one person who understood me, who knew exactly what I was thinking when I looked at him. I found a home in him. But now, it was the first time we saw each other in a while and we were acting like strangers; although I probably deserved it, having him turn the cheek to me has proved harder than I anticipated. It was sickening me to the point where being in that same ballroom as him brought me a kind of discomfort that I could physically feel, starting on my chest and darkening my mind.
What have we done to each other?
I sat at the table I had to share with Jungkook's girlfriend. A woman who had nothing to do with my misery but indirectly contributed to it. My pout grew wider before I noticed, and before I could do anything to stop myself, I was ignoring that part of the table for my own sake. I couldn't stand to watch her touch him right in front of me.
"Do you want to drink?" Jungkook asked, forcing myself to at least glance at him.
"Thank you, I'm driving."
"You didn't come to have fun, shame on you", he said jokingly. "Is that why you're so grumpy?"
I didn't take it as lightly as we both wished. "No."
"Why is it?"
"There's a lot going on", I fidgeted with the napkin, eyes wandering off into Jimin's direction without my consent.
I sat at that fancy table thinking that I shouldn't be here. I should be here at my hyung's wedding, of course, but only my body was present as my mind worried endlessly about myself, Jimin, Jungkook, Ye-ji... What could she be doing right now? She seemed to understand that this wedding is something I had to do, so hopefully, there would be no hard feelings because I left. I should be there as well, so how can I split myself in two?
"She'll be fine", Jungkook said, staring at me while I looked away, as though he could hear my thoughts as one listens to the radio. I looked at him, eyebrows showing him how creepy that actually was. He giggled at my reaction. "Ye-ji, right? I'm sure she will be alright."
"I know", I looked away again, convinced that I would have to endure this event instead of enjoying it as I hoped. "I should have taken a cab back", I breathed, thinking out loud.
The food had been served, but I felt no desire to eat even though it all looked delicious. I felt guilty for not wanting to be there, on a day so important for a brother of mine, but it became too much before I realized it. Ye-ji. Jimin. Jungkook. Me.
My head spun, which I immediately judged as odd, since I hadn't had anything to drink. "Weird", I mumbled, opening and closing my eyes to hopefully clear out my vision.
I got up and touched the walls to secure myself and guide my body towards the bathroom, feeling that strange discomfort in my chest closing in on me a lot deeper and a lot more present than I thought it could be. I began to sweat and by the time I reached the door, I was hyperventilating and I couldn't hear anything but my heart slamming hard against my eardrums. I am dying, the most logical conclusion hit me. It wasn't Jimin after all, it was a heart attack. I would die at a wedding and this would be the end of my pathetic life.
My hands were numb and it felt as though the room was darkening my vision, everything was tighter, I wanted to scream out for help but I couldn't do anything but breathe and breathe and gasp for air, lungs failing and attacking me at every attempt. As my knees hit the floor and that excruciating state took over my existence, my mind screamed please, God, let this painful death not take a second longer than I can take.
"Are you okay?" I heard Jungkook's voice coming from my right side, but I couldn't see him.
I wanted to ask for help, but my voice didn't come. My scared, widened eyes looked at his worried ones, hoping that he would get the message as I stiffly shook my head. He skilfully held my wrist, like he did once before, and felt my crazed heart effortlessly reveal how it was sickly trying to kill me. There was nothing but fear inside of me when he held my numb hands and patiently guided me through the room.
I was taken outside with short steps, wondering what would happen to me, if I would have time to arrive at a hospital before I reached my inevitable doom. I closed my eyes and blindly followed him outside, for my dizziness was making me nauseous, and didn't see where we stopped a few long steps later.
I am dying.
This has taken too long. I thought a heart attack would be faster.
"There is no one here, it's okay hyung", he said. I felt the cold night breeze hit my skin and do nothing for me.
Where is here? Why is he not taking me to a hospital?
"I'm dying", I let go of his hand and grabbed my chest, feeling my heart against my seemingly paper-thin skin. I instinctively lowered my body to be closer to the floor and feel safer because when I drop dead, the fall wouldn't be so high.
"You're not dying, you'll be just fine if you do as I say", his voice was oddly calm and soothing. It was weird how calm he was in the face of death.
Why was he so calm? Did he enjoy this? Was he a psychopath? Did he kill his ex?
"Open your eyes, look at me", the palm of his hands touched both of my cheeks and I felt uncomfortable, but abided anyway; looking at heaven right into its eyes, it echoed, luring me into its spell. "You are having a panic attack, you will be fine", his pink lips moved slowly. I felt more uncomfortable for being in such a vulnerable situation, being gazed at at my worst.
I'm dying. I need a hospital.
I shook my head negatively, thinking of all the ways I would fuck up his life by dying in front of him, while at the same time, selfishly thinking that this wouldn't be a bad way to go.
"Breathe with me, hyung. Look at my eyes and focus on my voice, breathe in", he took a long breath. "Breath out", he did as he said, but my erratic breathing didn't follow.
He took my numb hands and brought them to his chest. "Feel me breathe, focus on my chest moving, and breathe in..." Jungkook's soothing voice instructed. I attempted to do so but my lungs gave in halfway. "Breathe out. Don't give up, you have control, breathe in..."
Jungkook's nostrils flared, I attempted a second time trying harder than the first one, listening to my heart and the cold night blowing around us. His dark eyes continued to instruct me throughout the process, always calm and appearing to have everything under control, making me believe I had it too, bringing peace into a heart that was screaming for help. "You're already doing it, keep going", he motivated me.
Slowly but surely, I felt my tightening muscles relax as my body regained its energy and consciousness. My hands relaxed under his palm and he could tell that I was better now, but didn't stop breathing in and out with me as the numbness slowly left my body. When my breathing normalized and my body obeyed me again, I retrieved my hands, feeling awfully embarrassed.
I looked around, remnants of the so-called panic attack still in my system, but I could see that we were surrounded by nature in the ballroom's backyard. It seemed like it was once taken care of, but was now deactivated and full of weeds. I was so ashamed I couldn't look back at him, still struggling to believe in what I had just experienced.
The place was beautiful, at the very back of the facility, with long-forgotten rusty backyard furniture and overgrown grass, a few resistant flowers that grew out of spite because clearly no one actively wanted them there. I looked down at my hands, tanned skin, long wide nails. Embarrassed.
"What do I do?" I asked myself in a hush, not knowing what to say on that abandoned side of the party, looking quite the opposite of its luxurious interior. I was sitting on the floor, and so was Jungkook, both of our suits would feel the impact of this adventure.
"Is it the first time this has happened?" He said, I could sense he still had his whole body turned to me. I could now smell the tint of alcohol in his breath but refused to look at him.
"Yes."
It was so scary I could cry, but spared myself another embarrassment for the night. I prompted myself up, getting ready to leave that place altogether before the tears fell down.
"You don't have to worry, things like that happen when you least expect", Jungkook followed me up.
I turned my body to him, ignoring my self-consciousness for the time being in order to thank him. Jungkook cleaned his hands by rubbing them together, looking back at me, and I breathed in deeply as I had learned, lungs still offering resistance at the very end.
Having him so close to me on a cold night, when my skin was sweating out of control and he was the one offering me safe grounds, I wasn't mad to do the unthinkable. I leaned in, expecting him to pull away and scold me, but he just stood still with his big eyes staring with surprise. My heart-shaped lips touched his pointy cupid's bow, expecting it to taste or feel any different than before. They were silky, those thin lips that managed to make me feel so much while doing so little. He was genuinely surprised, not moving a muscle, especially the ones I was kissing and brushing my own against, and hoping to get some kind of reaction from the one that made me think I was devouring a prey. Jungkook touched my arms, stiff body giving in and believing in what was happening, slowly returning the eager caress I was offering, letting the downward point of his nose poke my cheek. His lips parted alongside his eyelids shutting, unsure, and allowed me to explore him a little more.
My tongue serpentined in between his wet lips and he responded by bringing his body closer, letting me know that despite the awkwardness, he wanted this too. With the tip of his finger, he touched the naked part of my chest, a small section of skin where my collarbones met and my protruding V-shaped bones held a green necklace in place, bringing a sensation that was so urgent, my body betrayed me for the second time that night and spoke louder than I ever could. Jungkook's delicate, tattooed fingers caressed my salty skin in a spot I found to be incredibly intimate, for it brought an unknown shiver up my spine.
Jungkook tasted like alcohol, and for some reason, it was reassuring to know that some things would never change.
hi guys! huge ass chapter phew
great news, i finished stranger today. yes, i finished writing the last chapter TODAY! i can't believe it. it's been a year since i started this story 😭
took me a lot longer than expected, but thats only because chapters 12-14 were the hardest things i've ever written. chapter 14 alone took me over a month, which is partly why updating has been so slow too. i couldn't focus on finishing and updating regularly... i just hope u guys feel this story. it won't be a happy story, it has and it will hurt you many times, but that's life isn't it? and i wanted to write about life from the beginning. and there's no life without...?
anyway i'm reflecting a lot today because i finished the story. so 4 more chapters to go! thank you to the handful of people that support me and read this story, and to my best friend koochigucci for your ENDLESS support since the very first page i wrote, for telling me to write a fanfiction, for your feedback and help! i love you ❤️
this feels like a goodbye lmao i really am emotional over it. well, bye for now 🤠