AN: this is it. i can't believe it, i'm so happy that so many of you decided to give me the time to share this story with you. it's been an honor writing harry and bentley and the whole family. thank you so much, i don't think i'll ever be able to convey just how much this means to me. to many more stories, catch you in the next one.
ARABELLA.
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I felt the strangest emotion
But it wasn't hate for once
Yes, I'm changing, yes, I'm gone
Yes, I'm older, yes, I'm moving on
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HARRY
6 YEARS LATER — FEBRUARY 1ST, 2027
"Zumi, c'mere!" I click my tongue, capturing the dog's attention and opening the backseat of Flo just in time for him to jump in.
I got Irezumi a few months after Bentley passed. I was with Apollo in New York trying to figure out some stuff for the racing scene we had basically inherited when Zayn waltzed into our hotel room with Zumi in his hands. He was just a puppy, tiny in comparison to the size he is now.
He's a dalmatian, with petite spots scattered across his skin. Surprisingly, he doesn't shed as much as I expected. He's a good dog though, well trained and obedient. I think Ben would like him.
He'd definitely like her more than me if she was around. She'd probably feed him scraps while she cooked and win his canine heart over.
She had a thing for making people love her.
It's been almost six years to the day that Bentley passed, and a lot has changed since.
For one, I'm older. It's my 33rd birthday today. It's crazy to think about, because I never thought I'd make it out of my twenties alive, but here I am, in Oakland, taking my dog for a walk in the park before heading to my own birthday party.
I guess I really did have more room to grow after everything.
I close the door, getting into the driver's seat and clicking my seatbelt shut before driving back to my place. I still live in the same building, but I moved into Bentley's apartment about a month after getting Zumi. My place was just too small for the dog and I, and I wanted more room for myself.
About five years ago, Louis moved into the second floor of the building. There are two apartments in there: 2A and 2B. Louis lives in 2B, and Michi and Liam bought 2A three years ago so they'd have a place to stay when they come and visit us. I still own my old loft on the first floor, but I had the place remodeled.
I bought the apartment next to mine and combined the two during Emmy's junior year of college so she'd have a proper place to stay during holidays and summers away from school in London. She moved to Oakland right after graduating from Regents, so she's been living there ever since.
Emmy had received a job offer to be a secretary for some East sider after I shared her contact information with him and she moved instantly to be closer. She claimed it was so she could see all of us more frequently but I'm pretty sure she saw her opportunity to be with Dorian full time and took it.
He and Apollo are no longer roommates, either. Apollo took his name off their apartment and bought himself and Z a place on the East side. It's a high rise bachelor pad with a view of the Bay which I'm afraid I need to get an STD test after each time I walk out.
He was a bit torn up about leaving the west side, but honestly, there wasn't much a difference between the two anymore. Once we were able to get the racing started back up again, we started funneling money into the Westside to fund improvements and other things to better the infrastructure. It was good giving back to the neighborhood that I know Ben loved so much. Oakland was much safer seeing as the gang violence basically fizzled out, and more people were on the streets doing good now than ever before.
He and Zayn are constantly on the move, though. They basically spearheaded the whole rebranding of international racing. I still have a lot of involvement, but I could do it remotely. They love the action but it brings about, and I do too, but the plan was always for me to step back once it was all fixed. Bentley didn't want us in that fast paced and dangerous lifestyle for too long, and I respected her wishes.
Settling down wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, even without her.
I lower the backseat window, checking my rear view to watch Zumi scramble towards the open window to stick his head out. He knows this drive pretty well seeing as we're heading towards Niall and Allegra's house on Magnolia Street.
I roll up to the place, parking between Allegra's Audi and Dorian's Pontiac like I do practically every weekend. We make an effort to gather as a family for dinner or at least for an Oakland A's game at least once a week, and today just happened to fall on my birthday. They always make a big deal of it since that's what Bentley used to do, but this is the first year that it's not a big surprise party seeing as I caught Michi doing laundry on the second floor last night when she was meant to be the surprise guest again.
I move around, rolling up the backseat window before opening the door for Zumi, who stays by my feet as I walk towards the cherry red front door with a gold colored door knocker on it.
I can hear music through the door and the chatter of everyone inside as I adjust the sleeves on my silk shirt. I look down at my dirty sneakers for a second, lifting up the denim a bit from one of my pant legs to make sure I was wearing my pink socks today like I usually do on family days. I extend my hand out to the doorbell, smiling at the dancing bears that are wrapped around my index finger.
It's the only ring I still wear, actually.
I press down on the button, sending the obnoxious sound of the bell reverberating through the house to signal my arrival. It'd probably be easier if I just knocked but I'm still not too fond of it, so I save it for extremely special occasions.
Before I know it, Niall's blue eyes are wide and happy as he opens up the door and pulls me in for a hug, wishing me a happy birthday. He shifts his attention to the dog, and I click my tongue at Zumi so he knows he's good to move around. He pushes through Ni and I and rushes towards their backyard.
"Late to your own birthday party, Styles!" Niall teases as I shut the door, following him through the house.
"Had to take the dog out." I shrug, taking in the familiar home.
The scent of apples is constantly flowing through the walls, the light wooden floors and white walls letting in light from the back. The hall is covered in framed photos of everyone and I always find myself smiling at it when I walk by.
There's a photo of Ben and Allie after dance practice, another one of Bentley and Apollo at her graduation from Berkeley. Pictures of Allegra and her grandmother. Photos of Niall in his old racing days are up too. There's a bigger print of all of us at Emmy's graduation, Dorian's first race, Zayn and I holding up Zumi when he was too big to carry alone. The next section are the photos of all of us at Allie's Stanford graduation two years ago.
Then there are the engagement and wedding photos.
That's right, Niall and Allegra got engaged a year after Bentley passed.
Niall actually asked if he could use the pearl ring I used with Bentley to propose to Allie. She was one of the only people who know how special that ring was and why, and I was more than happy to hand it over to Niall. I think she was more excited over the fact the ring was Bentley's than she was excited over getting engaged, but the photos are priceless. She's crying like a fucking baby in them, and I make sure to remind her constantly over the hilarity of them.
They got married a few months later in San Francisco, and the ceremony was absolutely gorgeous. A small church with a view of the Golden Gate and every fucking bougainvillea flower in the city was in bloom. Her parents flew over from Florida and we were all there along with some of her friends from college and Niall's mates from London and Ireland.
"Everyone's out back, I'm going to grab some beers from the fridge... can I interest you in a Guinness?" He offers, interrupting me from looking at the next sequence of photos.
"Sounds good to me." I return, walking through the house and towards the sliding doors in the backyard.
I pull the handle to the side, stepping out and looking at everyone as they notice my arrival.
"Harry!" Emmy calls, running towards me. Her arms wrap around me and hold me for a moment before pulling back to look at me. "Happy birthday, old man."
"I'm 33, Em." I deadpan, and she laughs.
"Exactly!" She giggles. She'd cut her hair shorter so it rests at her shoulders now, and her usual pale skin is now a nice tan. In fact, it has been ever since she moved to California.
Dorian comes up behind her, his right and reaching for her left hand and holding it as he gives me a quick hug. His blue eyes remain the brightest I've ever seen, and trust me, he's got some competition here. He grew out his hair some more and has a full head of platinum curls that frizz up whenever he takes off his racing helmet.
"Surprised you're in town right now, isn't there a race in Prague tomorrow?" I ask. "I'm sure Ernie and Maya will kill you if you miss it."
Dorian started racing internationally the year after Bentley passed. I was right when I said he'd be good, and he's been using the Pontiac to practice late at night. Before we knew it, he was asking if it could be possible for him to try and race, and he did a pretty good job. He always places these days, never as good as Bentley, but he's trying to be and I think he will soon. Ernie and Maya are his two engineers.
"You know I'd never miss your birthday, big dog." he tells me. "I leave first thing in the morning."
"He's coming on my flight, actually." Michi says, and I turn my head excitedly to see her.
Her hair is orange again, and she has even more tattoos on her arms than before. She smiles into our embrace before chatting about how everyone would be on the flight to Prague tomorrow.
The agreement continued once we were able to shut down the drug trade, except we were able to work ourselves into leadership positions. In the beginning, the plan was to have Michi just take over so we could wash our hands clean of everything. But once we realized we could continue to make money off of international racing without it being too dirty... We negotiated our way back in. Michi still runs the Tokyo Dragons alongside international racing, but her role on the global scene is a little more reduced thanks to my, Zane and Apollo's help.
"Are we talking about that early bird flight to Prague tomorrow? 'Cause I'm preeeetty sure I'm going to be drunk for the whole thing." Apollo says, and I turn my head to look for him.
"We're in here!" Louis exclaims, and my gaze shifts to the pool, where Louis, Liam, Apollo, and Zayn are lounging on individual pool floats.
"What? No birthday wishes?" I tease, stepping in their direction.
"Happy birthday, fucker." Louis speaks up.
"Harry birthday, Happy!" Apollo slurs.
"Is 33 middle aged?" Liam asks, drunken tone clear in his voice.
"Happy Groundhog Day!" Zayn cheers.
"Idiots." I laugh, shaking my head before leaving them to their own devices.
"Hooker Hairy Styles!" Allie cheers, walking out of the house by herself.
"Mrs. Whore-an, great to see you." I tease.
What? Did you really think I'd pass up the opportunity to inaugurate a new nickname on her wedding day?
"Come here, asshole. Give me a hug." She chuckles, and I pull her in. "Happy birthday."
"Thanks Algebra, I appreciate it." I return, making her roll her eyes at the nickname. "Hey, where are the-"
Childish laughter fills the air as the backyard sliding door opens, Niall's hefty laugh intertwining with the rest of the voices as he carries out a tray of takeout food from our favorite Indian spot. My vision shifts down to the two little girls in pink and purple frilly dresses running my way, one with my beer in hand and the other with a toy race car.
"There are my favorite wonder twins!" I say exaggeratedly, crouching down and watching their faces light up as they run into my open arms with a giggle.
Rumer Marie Horan and Bentley Horan.
Bennie has no middle name because my Ben didn't have one either, but they spell her nickname differently. They were born in early October of Allie's second year of grad school, and I'll never forget the first time I found out their names.
"Happy birthday Harry!" They say at the same time, each pressing a funny kiss to my cheek before I turn to look at them.
Ru's eyes are the ones that could really give Dorian's a run for his money. They're a deep blue which reflects the whole world in the daylight. Her hair is straight and dark, and she's got bangs across her forehead, just like her mom. Ru looks a lot more like Niall than Allegra, though, at least her face does. Allie always has her in purple, adding yet another silent nod to Rumer.
"Ru! Did your dad give you that?!" Allie asks quickly, taking the cold beer bottle from her small hands in rapid speed.
"Yup." She answers, making Allie roll her eyes before opening up the bottle and tilting her head back to drink it in three gulps.
"Hey! That was mine!" I say defensively.
"Trust me, I need it more than you do." She tells me, walking off to throw out the bottle.
I turn my attention back to the girls, Ru's hand knotted in Bennie's caramel curls as I look at her. She's got these deep brown eyes and freckles everywhere. Nobody knows where she got them from seeing as her parents don't have any, but I think I know where— or who— they came from.
She's holding a toy race car, a baby toothed smile on her face since she still has her full set. Bennie is much more reserved than her sister is, always looking like she's deep in thought. She zones out a lot just like Ben did. Allie always dressed her in pink.
"Hey, let's not pull on each other's hair." I say to them, and Ru's hand comes out of Bennie's hair instantly, successfully avoiding a toddler brawl. "Thank you, wonder twins." I say charmingly, letting them run off to find Zumi.
I tune back in to the rest of the house, Michi and Allie making drinks in the backyard kitchen while Niall watches the twins play fetch with Zumi. The boys are still in the pool and Emmy and Dorian were sharing some pieces of melon. I make my way towards them, snatching a piece from the bowl before sitting down.
"When does your flight leave, Rottweiler?" Dorian asks me.
"The fifth." I breathe out. "Flo gets picked up tonight, though."
"When do you get back?"
"Supposed to get back the 16th. A day longer than last year." I answer. "Hey, uh... Are you guys sure it's okay if I miss the anniversary again? I know I go every year but I always get a little wary that Allergy gets a little upset over it."
"100%. I know how much those days mean to you. It's important you spend them over there." Dorian assures me, tapping his ear in a way suggestive of what I do when I leave town for the anniversary.
"I just don't want to upset anyo-"
"Harry, you're fine. Just don't forget to call when we're all at dinner, alright? You made us wait a lifetime last year!" Emmy says nicely. "Oh! Are you leaving Zumi with me this time?"
"I actually think I'll bring him with me this year."
"Hey birthday boy!" Michi calls, grabbing all of our attention. "Come here, will you?"
"I'll be back." I speak, standing up and walking towards Michi, Allie, and Niall.
Niall is holding up Ru, who has her cheek pressed into his shoulder with a tired look on her face. Zumi notices my arrival to the conversation and leaves his spot, making my eyes shoot down to where he's coming from. Bennie is now alone on the ground, hands frozen in the air and face contorting as if she's about to have the tantrum of a lifetime since the dog left in the midst of her petting him.
I shuffle around until I'm hovering over her and bend down quickly, picking her up and her toy car that was beside her and quelling the storm before it strikes. She laughs as I voice her around for a bit before resting her on my hip. Zumi sits up for a moment, leaning his front legs against my hips and reaching his head up just enough to beg for Bennie's attention. Her small hand taps his nose a few times before I turn my attention back to Allie.
"Are you crying?" I ask, absorbing her teary eyes.
"Uh— no, no I'm not crying!" She tries to convince me.
"Allie-" Niall tries to comfort her, but she holds up her hand in a gesture to get him to stop talking for a moment.
Michi's eyes widen as she watches them interact and I can basically read her mind when she turns around and says "this is exactly why I don't do more than one night!". She let's Allie have her moment though, taking the lead of the conversation.
"So while you're gone and the rest of us are at our race, Allie is going to make sure the shop is running properly in the morning, but the other guys are going to work the shop until closing."
Oh— I might've forgotten to mention that.
We reopened the repair shop three years ago. It took a year to build from the ground up, but it's perfect now. Located a few blocks away from the original location, Hale's Repairs and Restorations has been booming.
It services the greater Oakland area with specialties in vintage cars and racing cars, and we use it as our international racing HQ. It's where we make Dorian's upgrades and run the whole racing scene from. Moving the HQ from where Russell had it in Europe to Oakland made it much easier and favorable to keep around.
Like the plan had discussed prior to the night that we lost Bentley, we'd be able to keep our hands in the racing field while Michi and the Tokyo Dragons inherited the drug side of it all. Once it was all cleaned up, we realized Michi would need a lot less involvement than we thought, so she agreed to have our headquarters be localized since a flight here was only about 10 hours.
When Allie graduated from Stanford, she was on the fence as to what she'd do with her mechanical engineering degree. She could go teach if she wanted, or work for an automotive company... she applied to a few jobs and got them all, but the second she found out that Ford operated out of Michigan she laughed so hard we thought she'd cry.
She made the decision to stay here with her family, and I'll be honest when I say I'm so glad she did. She's been our lead engineer and the reason we've been so successful, but I'll never tell her that... her ego is almost as big as mine already.
Niall continued to work in racing, but he retired himself from behind the wheel the same year we lost Ben. Now, he works as Dorian's training coach and runs some of our sectors for international racing. He used his organizational skills to ensure that the cities we select as courses are ready to deal with us. He speaks to the authorities and pays them off, among some other technicalities.
It only made sense for the most charismatic and friendly one out of all of us to take on the job, and he's really fucking good at it too.
It also allows him to work from home for the most part, so Ru and Bennie have their parents since they don't really have to leave town.
"Sounds good, but why aren't you staying for the afternoon?" I ask, adjusting Bennie on my hip when I feel her slipping a little against the silk of my shirt.
"Niall is going to be in Prague this time around because of some police shi-"
Niall's hand snaps over her mouth at the sound of a curse word, making me snort in realization and even more laughter erupts when Ru starts spewing out her own profanity.
She's an impressionable little girl, to say the very least.
"Darling please, that's enough." Michi says, and Ru immediately shuts her mouth into a sweet pout at the sound of her voice.
"Anyway," Allergy starts speaking again. "Since Niall is going to be out of town, I'll have to take over the dad shift in the afternoon, so I'll come home." She explains, grabbing Ru out of Niall's arms, putting her on the ground and handing her a bottle of juice as she perks up from her moment of rest.
"I don't mind, I trust those guys that work at the shop." I shrug, moving Bennie from my left hip to my right one. She drops it, but I extend my foot out enough to break the fall that could've broken it.
I turn to look at her, noticing she's completely asleep now. Niall picks up the car and puts it on the table before excusing himself to grab some more food from inside when the mongrels hanging out on the pool floats start stirring around. Those idiots always get drunk munchies at these things, which is something I didn't know existed until I was looking for crisps in the gas station a few blocks away at 2 AM on a Sunday.
"Hey, Mich? Mind helping me bring these trays out?" Niall calls, and she moves around us to help him.
Allergy and I are the only ones left standing here now, and I watch her as she looks at Bennie in my arms. She's filled with emotion again and I don't say a word as she keeps looking at her.
"Can you believe it's almost been six years?" She asks, a bit choked up.
"Sometimes I can't believe it's been a day." I return, moving my hand in circles on the 4 year old's back. "She would've loved them."
Allie laughs, wiping under her eyes as a single blink sends a tear flowing down her face.
"Sometimes... sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to really tell them about how great she was. And Rumer too. I don't think words do them justice." She admits.
"They rarely do." I tell her. "I think they'll get it, someday. You've got photos of everyone up on the wall so they'll always know where a part of them came from." I elaborate, contemplating my next words.
"Maybe... maybe you should go visit. I know it's tough but it's really helped everyone else and I think they deserve to see it. Feel her. I don't want to overstep but-"
"Actually, I wanted to ask you about that. I-I've never asked and it's been six years." She starts, her voice a little nervous but it's okay. "Doesn't have to be now, but... soon."
"Hold on, I'm going to go put Bennie down." I say, turning over to look at Emmy and Dorian.
I watch for a moment from the distance as he tucks a few strands of hair behind her ear, his head on Emmy's lap looking up at her. He's got a few of the wild flowers that grow in between the blades of grass placed in his hair, and I smile as Emmy laughs, plucking another one and placing it amidst the others.
I walk over carefully, smiling back at them when their eyes connect with mine.
"Mind if I leave her with you guys?" I ask.
Dorian's eyes light up at the sight of the sleeping little girl, sitting up and reaching out to rest her against his own chest before lying back down against Emmy.
Bennie shifts around a bit, making herself comfortable on Dorian before returning to her balanced breaths, her hair blowing into her face a bit. Emmy pushes it behind her ear, looking up at me with a bright smile before I walk back to Allie.
"They're so precious." She says, eyes glued to them. "They remind me of you and Benny, you know."
"Seriously?"
"Oh my god, you have no idea!" She laughs. "You and Bentley were just like them. Lost in your own world and everything. She'd come to work humming Stevie Nicks songs and write fucking sonnets about how green your eyes are."
"Fuck, I miss her." I whisper, inhaling deeply so I don't let my emotions get the best of me. "I wonder what we'd be doing now if she was still around sometimes... Who am I kidding? We'd be watching that same fucking movie."
"How many times do you think she would've made the girls watch it with her?" Allie laughs, and I join in, zoning out at the thought of what we'd be doing if she was here.
Would the twins be here? Would we still live in the building? I've fantasized about us moving into a house with a big backyard for Zumi more than I'd like to admit. Would she still be racing? Would we be on the road? Would Emmy have felt the need to be near me? I know the only reason she came here was because she was worried about me, even though she pushed it off as cutting the distance between her and Dorian.
Would Ben and I have gotten married by now? Would her Japanese be good? Would we have convinced her to get on heart medication?
If I hadn't lost her the way I did then, would I have lost her differently now?
"Earth to Harry... you're zoning out like she used to." Allie points out, and I blink a few times before answering her prior question.
"She'd beg you to have more kids so she could see their faces as they watch it for the first time."
"I tried to convince her to not go through with it. Getting her tubes tied, that is." Allie says, voice careful as she explores how far she could go when it comes to Ben. "Yeah, she could get them untied but it's not very safe..."
"She didn't want the kids to have her heart." I answer. "And they wouldn't want mine anyway."
"You've got a good heart Harry Styles... they would've been lucky either way."
"She told me that once." I say, remembering the time she was splayed on my chest and telling me that I was good.
Me. Harry Styles. Good.
I had never felt good before until she came along.
When she passed, sacrificing herself for me and the rest of us, it made me think a lot. I never saw myself as someone who was worth saving. I know she loved me, and I'd do it for her because someone like Bentley Hale was worth dying for, but I never imagined that anyone could actually see me the same way.
I used to wonder if she saw herself as that, but two years ago I realized that Bentley Hale is the type of person worth living for.
Life was a bigger deal to Bentley than death was, and maybe that's why I'm still here. At least that's how I see it now. I'm here for her because she knew she was worth living for. I'm here. I'm living. Still in love with her as if she was standing to my right, but I'm living.
Dog. Business. Family. I make time for myself, for others. I went to therapy after Allie dragged me to it. I helped reestablish the westside with everyone. I came clean to Emmy about what I did before, and it didn't drive her away.
"She was right. I mean, you share DNA with that one." Allie affirms, eyes shifting back to where Emmy and Dorian are on the towel in the grass. "How bad could that heart really be?"
Allie knows how to make people feel better. She knows how to talk and she knows the things that make her family, her family. She's one of the few people who was able to talk Bentley down and deal with the aftermath. She's one of the only people who knew Bentley her whole life that was still around.
She spent hours and hours and hours telling me stories. Stories about their dance classes and drug dealer substitute teacher. How she'd work. Stories about them sneaking out and when she first started racing. The first time Bentley told her about the poems.
It was like I was meeting Ben all over again. All the little things I didn't get the honor of hearing from her lips were shared with me by someone who might love her as much as I do.
It helped Allie and I grow closer. I spent a lot of time with her during her pregnancy, and it helped me gain further insight as to how good of a friend she really is. She's probably my best friend now too.
I mean, I'm Bennie's godfather. That means she trusts me enough to take care of one of her kids if something were to go wrong, and that's everything.
Dorian and Emmy are Ru's godparents, by the way, but I'm Bennie's sole godparent.
That's trust. That's love. That's family.
"They'll make good parents some day." She says.
"I don't even want to think about being Uncle H again for another 10 years." I chuckle.
"They're happier with themselves now than you were when you found out I named that little punk Bennie." She adds.
"Jesus, I was so happy I almost fucking cried." I say, thinking back to the time I met the twins for the first time.
"I literally have photos of you crying, Hooker. Don't act like you didn't drop snot on my newborns."
"Call it a baptism." I shrug, finishing off my beer.
"Idiot." She mocks. "But seriously, I've never seen Dorian like this. He's obsessed with her."
"She's pretty keen about him too. You should see her when we're watching him race, it's hilarious." I point out. "Last year in Paris I swear she was in tears for the last mile."
"That's how you were when Bentley would race alone!" She points out. "To be fair though, I was the same with Ni."
I shake my head in agreement, turning my view over to the left to find Zumi walking towards me, tongue in the air and tail wagging as Ru holds onto it. The toddler giggles when Zumi lies down at my feet. Allie laughs, picking up the little girl and fixing her hair.
"I'm going to take her inside really quickly, it's their nap time. Could you grab Bennie? I want to put her in her bed." She requests.
"Sure thing."
I help her take Bennie and Ru up to their room, staying at the doorway as she makes sure they stay in place. My eyes scan the white walls, and I don't even bother to hide my smile as I look at the designs painted onto them.
Two cherry blossom trees on the outside of their beds. Petals across all four walls. Shelves with more photos of them over the years, and some shots from before they were born. The baby shower. The day she found out she was pregnant, and the day she told us. More photos of the first day she brought the girls home and their birthdays.
Allie really developed a liking for taking pictures of everything after realizing there weren't enough photos of Bentley outside of the ones I took. She started scrapbooking, which led to a hilarious exchange where Dorian dubbed her "Millennial Martha Stewart".
Ever since she became a mom, Allegra has really evolved. She's gotten craftier, cooks more... Works less. She is still obnoxious half of the time, and she'll always be Allergy to me, but seeing her flourish over the last few years has been an honor.
Even with all the teasing, it's been great, especially looking at all the memories of the previous year as a whole on New Year's Day.
"Alright, let's go sing happy birthday to you, oldie." Allie says, walking towards me, but I've had one thing on my mind since she subtly mentioned it earlier.
"You said you wanted to ask me something earlier... what was it?" I ask, stopping her.
"Oh! Yeah. I uh- I just wanted to know if— can you still hear her?" She speaks. "When you go over there, I mean."
"Not anymore. Not since the funeral." I answer. "I miss her voice." I admit.
Allie nods in silence, brain still running with a question that I can practically sense. I hope it's what I think it is.
"I know it's your thing to go and see her on the anniversary, but do you think- do you think-"
"Why are you so nervous?" I say playfully, trying to ease her obvious tension.
"I'm fine, it's fine." She tells herself, shaking her hands a bit before saying what she originally intended to.
"Do you think I could go back in the spring and stay at your place with the girls? Just so they can see her."
I have been waiting for her to ask this question. Allegra was the only one left that hadn't gone and seen the place I swear Bentley had become. Niall made it once, about two years ago during a race out in Japan. Dorian and Emmy made a point of visiting a few times a year, so did Apollo, Zayn, Louis, Michi, and Liam.
"You think you're ready?" I ask with a smile.
"Yeah... I think it's time to see what this whole cherry blossom obsession we've got going on is about." She says, walking up the painted wall, courtesy of Apollo and Dorian, the more artistic ones of the group.
"I'm really happy to hear that, Claritin. It's about time." I tease.
"Babe, cake's ready!" Niall calls from downstairs.
"On my way!" I reply before she does, making her laugh a little too hard and startle Ru, who stirs a bit.
"If you would've woken up that fucking demon I swear I'd feed you to your dog."
"I thought you loved your children, Zyrtec." I joke, and she does one last check of the girls before leading the way out of the room.
The rest of the day was calm. The guys sobered up after a while and we hung out like we usually did. They sang happy birthday to me and I blew out my candles, this year's wish different than usual.
The first two years after Bentley passed, I wished she'd come back. The third through fifth birthday since I wished that we'd be okay, but this year, I stopped making wishes.
I have everything I need.
We are finally alright.
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FEBRUARY 7 - 6 YEARS SINCE
KYOTO
The alarm goes off, the blaring Stevie Nicks tune filling up the room. I feel Zumi stir in his sleep and it wakes me up instantly when he rests his snout on my forehead.
"Hell of a wake up call." I say into the air. "C'mon Zumi, let's feed you."
Six years.
It's hard to really process the fact that it's real sometimes. I'll never forget waking up some mornings and reaching for her to pull her clothes, only to be left with a strange cloud of disappointment in myself for forgetting that she was gone.
Today is different though. I can feel it. I could sleep last night, and I usually can never sleep on nights that pertain to her. November is probably the hardest month, seeing as it's her birthday, Thanksgiving, and I told her I loved her for the first time in November.
But like I said, today is different. It's heavy, obviously, but it's not painful. I know she's gone, but I know she's here, and I find solace in that.
I sit up, stretching my arms and legs out before placing my feet on the cool floor. My eyes scan the walls of my Kyoto apartment as the light breaks through the blinds. They're speckled with photos, posters, and some records.
I stand, leaving the door and entering my bathroom. I rinse my face and brush my teeth, running my hands through my hair a few times before stepping out. I reach into my closet, taking a pink T-shirt out and rolling up a pair of vintage jeans.
I twist my ring before pulling on a pair of socks and walking into the kitchen. I can hear the dog's paws against the floor as I move around quietly.
I click my tongue to call him over, pouring some of his kibble into the bowl and replacing the water. I pet his spotted head a few times before letting him eat.
I try to visit at sunset. I spend the morning in silence. I read, I'll watch her favorite movie, I'll walk around the city and pick up ramen at the market. I'll listen to Stevie songs and think about the time I had with her. It's quiet. I like waking up early this day because I like spending it thinking that because I'm here, she's with me.
The longer my eyes are open, the more time I get to spend on her.
The day goes by relatively quickly. The second I noticed the sun falling over the skyline, I know it's time to go. I shake Zumi off of me, walking towards the door.
"I'll be back." I tell him, grabbing the keys to the car from the hook on the wall.
I leave, locking the door and heading down the stairs towards Flo. The drive isn't long at all, and there's no traffic seeing as it's barely sunrise.
I came to Kyoto the week before the one year anniversary of her death, and I ended up staying here because I realized that this is the only place that she'd be at.
Kyoto is the only place we visited where there are only good memories. Cherry blossom showers, falling in love, walking around the city and learning how to speak Japanese. Mountain views and nice weather. Kyoto is our escape, Kyoto is for love and cherry blossoms, but at the end of the day, Kyoto is ours.
I can feel her more here than anywhere else.
So here I am again, laying down in the middle of the road of the same cherry blossom cove as usual, waiting for a gust of wind to send the petals flying off of the trees like snow.
I close my eyes and bask in the silence, breath steady as rays of evening sunshine break through the pink flowers and dark wood. I breathe in deeply through my nose, indulging in the fragrant air before hoping once more that something would pick up on my presence.
"Hi Ben." I whisper, opening my eyes at the feeling of a petal against my cheek.
More petals.
"I missed you too." I breathe out.
The wind howls, and I can't hold back a laugh. It's filled with disbelief and excitement, my breathing now uneven as the trees come to life, rustling in the wind and painting the dark road a bright pink and white.
"Someone's excited to see me." I joke, sitting up and resting my elbows on my knees. I rest my jaw on my forearms.
I reminisce about all of the moments that we shared in the cherry blossom cove. Kissing against the tree, shaking it so she could have her moment in the petaled rain. Time slowing as I looked at her. Her realization that she loved me. Driving fast for the first time with her in the passenger seat. Reading her poem where I became pink.
The wind dies down a bit, leaving the remaining flowers in my hair. I close my eyes again as a vivid memory of Bentley picking flowers out of my hair runs through me.
I split up my middle and ring finger to catch a glimpse at what she does. I remain sitting still as she plucks one of the flowers out from my hair and sticks it in one of the back pages with writing on it carefully.
Bentley grabs the piece of paper opposite to the one with the flower and staples them together, enclosing it and putting all the weight of all the other pages over it.
I still hadn't found the journal. Six whole years later and it's the one game of hide and seek I couldn't win.
My phone rings, drawing me out of the trance for a moment.
"Fuck, I forgot to call." I say to myself, swiping the answer button quickly.
"I literally reminded you to call!" Emmy chastises, but her expression softens at the sight of petals in my hair.
"Sorry. I got caught up." I say sheepishly, pulling one of them out but leaving the rest of them in.
"It's okay, H. I wanted to talk to you before your day ended. See how you're doing." She tells me.
"I'm good." I answer. "Well, as good as I can be. How's Dorian?"
"Asleep. He got back to Oakland late last night. Came straight to my place." She answers, and I realize she's been whispering this whole time.
"I'm glad he has you." I tell her, standing up and watching some of the flowers fall through the rips of my jeans and out of my pant leg as I walk towards Flo.
"Yeah, glad I've got him too. Hey- oh, sorry, didn't mean to wake you." She speaks, and it's seconds before the familiar blonde appears on the screen.
"Morning, sleepyhead." I tease, and he laughs in return.
"Let me see what you're working with this year." He says, and I flip the camera to show him the view.
Pink skies and pink trees, an isolated road. The snow capped mountains in the back and petals splattered across the hood of the navy car make it look like stars have been planted into the metal as the sun crashes into the edge of the sky.
"Fucking gorgeous, isn't she?" I say.
"As usual." He returns.
"What's your favorite memory there?" Emmy pipes in, asking a random question just like Bentley used to. I don't even have to think about an answer before it spills out of my mouth.
"She let me read a poem of hers here. In that journal I can't find-"
"You still haven't found it?" Dorian interrupts.
"No." I answer.
"She was right, you are a fucking idiot." He laughs, and I hear Emmy swat his shoulder.
"Wait— do you know where it is?" I ask.
"Yeah." He shrugs.
"And you never told me?!" I say angrily.
"First of all, you never asked. Secondly, she and I had a bet, I thought I should keep it going in her honor." He explains, voice no longer groggy.
"A bet? When did you- there's no way." I say, coming to a realization "What did she whisper to you that day?"
"Huh?"
"The day Allie confronted her about her heart. What did she whisper that made you cry?" I say, making him choke on a laugh.
"Cry? Big dog, I was laughing!" He returns. "She got mad at me for almost selling her out."
"What'd she tell you?"
"Something along the lines of 'how much do you wanna bet our local idiot Harry won't figure out the real gift isn't the car. It's inside it.' She said it to cheer me up." He pauses to breathe. "She was going to give it to you as soon as we left... I thought she had."
No... after everyone left she took me somewhere. The bridge. We looked at the city. She told me I was good. We talked about smoke and mirrors. Change. She told me she changed.
If I hadn't expressed my stress to her, would I have had the journal this whole time? Would she still be here? Fuck, I didn't wanna waste any more time thinking about all the hypotheticals.
"Inside the car?" I ask frantically. "Dorian, where is the journal?"
"Glove compartment." He says simply. "You've never looked in there?"
"I've never fucking been pulled over! Why would I look in there? I have to go!" I say, hanging up and practically jumping towards the glove compartment.
It takes a few yanks for it to open, but once it does, the pink journal is revealed to me.
"Bentley fuckin' Hale... if you were here right now I'd shove this book down your throat." I say through my teeth, ripping it out of the small space it was tucked into. "I didn't mean that." I quip.
I don't even bother reading through all the poems yet, my mind running to the very back pages that she had stapled together.
I remove the staples carefully, avoiding any rips.
I close my eyes before opening the page, inhaling deeply before looking at what feels like the last piece of Bentley and I that I never got to have.
I have it now.
Open your eyes, Harry. Look at it because you'll never have the chance of feeling her words for the first time ever again after tonight.
My eyes open, drifting down to the dried out flower stuck to the center of the page. My eyes well up instantly, tears floating down my face without me even realizing it. My fingers drift over the words and I inhale shakily at them before smiling down at them.
I miss her, but I have her. I know this, I've always known this. Forever and then some. These words are immortal. They're hers, but in reality, they're mine and always have been.
You are the greatest poem I'll never get to write.
I love you.
❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀
THE END.
p.s. my new book, Young Gods, is up and being updated frequently!! make sure to go read and add to your libraries if you want to fall in love with a whole new bunch of characters, i swear it won't end the way drag did (promise!!)
i love you all, hope to see you in Young Gods!!