Author’s note: Hi guys! Welcome back to A Life Worth Living :)
I have been overseas the last couple of weeks, but thankfully managed to finish this chapter for you :D Sadly there will be a wait for the next instalment of ‘Leave Me’, but I hope to have it done this week before I return to work (ie. Within the next week).
I hope you enjoy this chapter; I enjoyed writing it and taking a trip through Edward’s psyche this time ;)
Finally, I wanted to mention that I have changed a portion of chapter 2 so it matched aspects of this chapter (and canon, in fact). Don’t worry there is no need for you to read the changes as I have summarised them below:
Originally when the Cullens were driving towards the airport (and Spinner’s End) they communicated via phones. However, I realised (just now- slow right?) that as vampires they would be able to hear each other talking from within either car. Now, the chapter reads so they communicate without the assistance of a phone. It is so strange I never realised this before, but anyway, the change is made now and will be carried through the story from here on :)
Anyway, enough of my rambling; please enjoy the chapter and don’t forget to vote and share your thoughts with me! :D
‘A Life Worth Living’
Chapter 4- Guilt
Edward’s POV
I was grateful it was late on a Tuesday night when we left Spinner’s End; it was easier to drive at dangerously high speeds (for a human) when the roads were deserted. When the Volvo’s wheels touched the highway, I pushed the car to well beyond the speed limit; we had half an hour to complete what was normally an hour trip to the airport.
Although Carlisle was easily able to keep up with me, he did so reluctantly; my father was concerned whether I should even be driving.
“I feel fine, Carlisle,” I spoke to him in a conversational tone knowing he would be able to hear me.
Are you sure, Son? My father asked through his thoughts, his concern evident in his tone. I am sure Jasper would willingly drive for you so you can take a moment to process the night’s events.
“I can drive if you wish,” Jasper offered from my left, unaware of the perfect timing of his suggestion. I could feel my brother’s dark gold eyes staring intensely at me, his thoughts filled with concern for my well-being.
“No thank you,” I said politely to my brother, and indirectly, Carlisle.
I felt perfectly fine. In fact, driving prevented me from over-analysing the conversation I just had with the young wizard. If I were persuaded to swap roles with Jasper, my mind would then have free reign to examine the role I just played in that boy’s life. If I were permitted to consider how I left him close to tears, how I trapped him in between a guilt-ridden afterlife or an agonising existence, and ultimately destroyed any chance he had of being at peace, my own emotions would likely affect Jasper and his driving ability. Therefore, it was best that I continue to drive for everyone’s safety.
“Very well, but be careful, Edward; we do not need to drive at quite this speed,” Carlisle said calmly so the rest of our family could hear his warning.
I looked at the speedometer and realised I had been gradually increasing speed since Carlisle gently questioned my capacity to drive in my present state. I could not decide whether this indicated I was losing control of my senses or because I wanted to escape Spinner’s End as soon as possible. It was likely a combination of both, but I was not in a suitable physical or mental state to examine my psyche any further. Nevertheless, I released the accelerator slightly to show my father I was in control of my actions- that my mind was not lost in the night’s events as he had feared.
“We will make it in time, Edward,” Alice informed me, her voice more musical than was normal. “This speed is good,” she reassured me gently, reaching over from the back seat to put her hand on my shoulder.
Whatever you are blaming yourself for, it was not your fault, my sister insisted, her fingers squeezing my shoulder soothingly.
“I know,” I mumbled in her general direction as I turned my head slightly to my left.
Are you sure you do not need or want me to drive? Jaz checked in with me having seen the way his wife had acted and the corresponding emotions he felt come from both of us.
I nodded my head at him; I was fine.
“Now we have that settled, I want details,” Rosalie insisted loudly from the Mercedes. “I was able to make some conclusions along the way, but now I want you to explain to us exactly why you spent an hour talking to that boy.”
“Wait, let me guess,” Emmett insisted enthusiastically.
My siblings sighed loudly.
“Oh come on- it’ll be fun; we still have at least twenty minutes before we get to the airport,” he continued cheerfully.
“Very well, Emmett,” Carlisle replied permissively after none of us provided a vocal objection.
“Okay,” he drawled out, thrilled by the nights’ events. I could hear him rubbing his big hands together in anticipation. “I am going to guess the big one; I might as well go ‘all out’ given what we’ve discovered tonight.”
“Spit it out, Emmett,” Rosalie insisted, as she was eager to find out the facts rather than endure a prolonged guessing game with her husband.
“Jeez, Rose, give me a minute to enjoy this- our lives have been so boring recently.”
“Well I am glad someone found tonight’s events amusing,” Jasper muttered sarcastically.
“Oh hey, come on!” Emmett asserted, as his humour gradually began to recede. “I know it wasn’t fun for you guys, and I swear it wasn’t amusing to me either while Edward was in there. But now that we are all safe, we might as well consider how much more we just discovered about this magical human species!” he tried to reason with us.
“What is your guess, Emmett?” I asked loudly of my brother, hoping to bring him back to the task at hand.
“You already know, Edward- it’s been in my thoughts for the last five minutes at least.”
Naturally, I knew this to be true; I had seen glimpses of his guesses. However, I had been too caught up in my own thoughts and feelings to have paid full attention to his musings.
“Do you care to share your ideas with us, then?” Esme asked patiently, as I heard her turn in the passenger seat to stare at her son.
“Okay, this is what I think. The guy Edward was talking to was the same person who bumped into me in Godric’s Hollow. He was looking for Lily Potter, right? Well we knew she was dead, but he did not. What if he found her dead body, and then travelled back to his home in Spinner’s End so grief-stricken and upset that he decided to drink his misery away at the local pub? But then, he was so overcome with his grief that he decided to kill himself instead. When he made that decision, Alice saw Spinner’s End enslaved and victims of torture, presumably led by the Dark Wizard that no one wants to name. This would make sense except he is supposed to be dead. So basically, this boy is the difference between this dark wizard wrecking havoc and…staying dead I guess?”
For two seconds there was silence.
It seemed Alice had told Jasper what she saw whilst they were sitting in the car waiting for the boy to calm down, so he knew Emmett was right. Esme, Carlisle, and Rosalie had formed similar conclusions, but would not have guessed that the boy was the same one who briefly glimpsed at Emmett and Rosalie in Godric’s Hollow.
“Not bad, Emmett,” I eventually allowed. “You have the basics correct, including the identity of the boy; he was indeed the same individual who bumped into you in Godric’s Hollow.”
“Yeah!” Emmett cheered, delighted that he was right. “Man, what are the chances of us coming across him again? Twice in one night!”
“But how do you know it was him, Edward? He never said he was grieving for Lily, did he?” Esme enquired gently.
“No, but he recalled finding her dead in her house.” Multiple times. “I am certain he was the figure I saw stumble out of the Potter’s back door. His memories of her both living and dead match those procured by the inhabitants of Godric’s Hollow.”
“Then perhaps you were meant to speak to him, Edward,” Esme suggested tentatively, knowing that few of us believed in fate. “As Emmett said, the coincidence is quite extraordinary.”
Rosalie snorted. “Well we’ll see where Edward’s intervention leaves us. If that boy ever informs his government of your ‘Seeing’ sister and what you know about their world, they will try to find you. And if the Volturi ever found out how close you were to exposing us, they will be furious. You have put us in danger!” Rosalie accused me.
“Our future has not changed,” Alice insisted strongly, coming to my defence. “Edward’s actions will not impact on us.”
“I hope you’re right because if that bartender or the wizard decides to tell anyone about you, we could be in serious trouble,” Rosalie argued back, as she forced her anger, frustration and fear onto me. I did my best to ignore her thoughts and the uneasy feeling I had that perhaps she was right, but it was difficult.
“If we were in any danger, I would see it,” Alice asserted with confidence as if that settled the matter. I hoped she was right.
Feeling she could no longer argue with Alice’s gift, Rosalie continued to seethe in silence in the back of the Mercedes and refused to talk to anyone. Her only consolation was that if something terrible did happen as a result of my decision, she would have the right to say: ‘I told you so.’ Despite how childish it was for her to even think of such a ‘come-back’, I knew better than to say this to her.
Carlisle had not spoken since Emmett requested his guess; he had been deep in thought about the implications of my intervention. My father had considered a variety of consequences which included Volturi intervention, the danger wizards may pose to our kind, and the fate of the innocent humans of Spinner’s End. However, he needed more information to feed his understanding of this magical world, and I knew I had vital details my family needed to know.
“Edward, is there anything else we should be aware of?” my father asked me when he was certain Rosalie was going to remain silent.
“Yes,” I began, shifting slightly in my seat knowing that what I was about to say would be as provoking for my family as it was for me. “As you may have been aware, the boy considered using magic against me on multiple occasions-”
“I had an image of him drawing his wand once,” Alice chimed in, her voice tight at the memory of it. “Do you know what he planned to do to you?”
I paused in preparation for how my family would react to my answer.
When Jasper felt the anticipation that was building in my chest he asked immediately: “What was it?”
I turned slightly so I could glimpse Jasper’s expression; his eyes were wide as he waited for my answer.
“Towards the beginning of our conversation, I reached out to him- to comfort him,” I clarified, looking between the road and my brother’s face, “I did so instinctively and thus had no time to consider how the boy would react. He was understandably confused by my gesture and my intentions.” I tried to explain the situation calmly to my family, but both Jasper and Alice noticed my hands rigidly gripping the steering wheel. “Consequently, he considered using something called ‘Legilimency’ against me. This spell would have allowed him to,” I exhaled briefly at the irony of what I was about to say, “read my mind.”
“Shit…” Emmett muttered under his breath, which perfectly reflected (in essence, for neither of my parents would be caught saying such a word) the sentiments of the rest of my family.
“But he chose not to,” Jasper confirmed with me, assuming I would have informed them if the boy was privy to the many secrets stored in my mind.
“Correct; he believed he was too intoxicated to perform the spell properly,” I reassured him.
“Thank goodness,” Alice commented, and then briefly permitted herself to imagine an alternate universe where the boy was sober and our secret was known to him.
As I allowed Alice’s imaginings to float through my mind, which included a livid Rosalie and a dangerously displeased Volturi, I felt incredibly lucky.
Thank God he was intoxicated.
My train of thought was interrupted when Esme’s quiet voice penetrated my consciousness.
“Is- is there anything else?”
Despite Esme’s discomfort, I chuckled humourlessly knowing that my most recent revelation was not as concerning as the one I was about to reveal to them. I saw Alice and Jasper briefly glance at one another with concern when they heard my laugh.
“I don’t like the sound of this,” Emmett murmured, and my family silently agreed with him.
“When I told him what Alice had seen, and he heard my indirect reference to the Dark Wizard, he realised I knew that witches and wizards exist. Like us, their world is to be kept secret from any one who is not a part of it. Their primary means of protecting their world is through secrecy,” I explained. “However, if secrecy fails or is not possible, wizards are expected to eliminate the knowledge of their world from the individual’s memory-”
My sisters’ and mother’s gasps and Emmett’s swearing forced me to cease speaking for a moment. I could sense Jasper’s rigid body next to me, and Carlisle’s intense concern from the car behind us.
For a moment there was silence, and I allowed them that second of contemplation before continuing.
“When I learnt of his intentions I began to move towards the door to make evident my intention to leave.”
Each member of my family acknowledged that this was a wise decision, but they were still finding it difficult to vocalise exactly how they felt; to lose our memory, even a small portion of it, would be an unspeakable loss.
Now that they were aware of some of the magic these humans could perform, each member of my family considered how dangerous this magical human species could be to our kind. All of us, to differing degrees, struggled between three desires: to avoid further interactions with them altogether, to learn more about their species, and report their existence to the Volturi. My gift allowed me to be comfortable with the second option; I would be forewarned if the human I was communicating with was of magical descent and could thus act accordingly. However, my family would naturally be void of this ability, and therefore felt more threatened by the prospect of meeting another witch or wizard than I was.
Nevertheless, the fear and trepidation each of them felt was understandable and expected. By this time, I had already come to terms with what I had learnt during my interaction with the boy, and had placed each fact into perspective. Consequently, I felt it important to share my thoughts with my family to assist their own understanding of what I had told them.
“Tonight we learnt that there are a subset of humans who are capable of wielding a wand and performing magic. So far, we know these humans can read other’s minds, can erase one’s memories, and can perform both torture and killing curses. Now that we are aware of these magical humans, we obviously need to remain alert for other members of this population. However, given they strive to remain hidden and considering I have never heard such a mind before now, I feel it is highly unlikely we will meet another wizard unless they want to be found.”
The level of rationality I expressed in the above calmed my family slightly, but their underlying fear that we could fall victim to magic one day and the consequences of such a situation remained their foremost concern.
“Despite what I have said,” I continued, noticing how much I sounded like my father “we need to consider to what extent these spells and curses would actually affect us.”
“The only way for us to know for certain is to be victim of their magic. As far as we know, none of our kind has fought a wizard before. We would be fools to assume such spells would be ineffective against us! These wizards are dangerous,” Rosalie hissed.
“During my time with the Volturi, the existence of a magical subset of human beings was never mentioned. However, if they were dangerous to us, I am certain Aro would know this and have informed his guard at the very least,” Carlisle tried to reason with Rosalie, as he recalled his time serving alongside Aro and his brothers.
“And if he doesn’t know about them? What if they have been living in secret for multiple millennia just as the Volturi have? What if Edward and Alice’s gifts allowed them to be the first vampires to discover these magical humans?” Rosalie countered, her voice rising in volume and pitch.
“Of course, you could be right,” Carlisle conceded, but nevertheless, considered her proposal unlikely; Aro made it his business to know about all humans, even those who could use magic to conceal themselves from creatures such as us. “But we need to remember that these witches and wizards wish to live in secret, and therefore should have no desire to make their world known to us. If they were to use magic against us, they would risk being discovered.”
“I agree with Carlisle,” I intervened then, knowing Rosalie was devising yet another rebuttal to Carlisle’s reminder. “Despite being intoxicated, the boy was quite certain I was not entirely human. That, in addition to Rod’s presence made him reluctant to openly perform magic. So as long as there are two of us present, there will always be a witness; they would not risk one of us escaping,” I reasoned with my sister.
“But their magic- this ‘mind reading’ you speak of, allows them to breach our secrecy and discover what we are. We would be forced to kill them-”
“Rosalie!” Esme objected.
“They would not leave us alone if they knew vampires exist!”
“They would be foolish not to leave us be, Rosalie; most of our kind, as you say would kill them without a second thought,” Carlisle spoke calmly, hoping to de-escalate Rosalie’s fears. When she failed to vocalise a rebuttal to our father’s reasoning, Carlisle continued more forcefully.
“I think we all need to take a moment,” he insisted, addressing all of us now, “to remember that a spell would need to hit our skin in order to take affect. I imagine any of us could easily evade any magical attack. Therefore, we would need to be physically incapacitated before any wizard could gain access to our minds.”
I was relieved to find that Carlisle’s words were effective in reminding my family of the otherworldly qualities we possess that give us a significant advantage over any human, even those with magical abilities.
My family’s anxiety reduced substantially when they remembered how much power we still possessed even when opposing magic- a fact that had understandably escaped their notice when confronted with the night’s events.
Emmett was the first to speak after my father’s necessary reminder:
“Given we are already dead, the killing curse may not even work against us,” Emmett pointed out.
“Exactly, we are already dead,” I emphasised, glad that my brother was able to bring the conversation back to my original point. “And our minds are far quicker and more complex than a human’s. Even if the boy did attempt to enter my mind or erase my memories, it is entirely possible his magic would have been ineffective.”
“But these are all speculations!” Rosalie cut in, feeling frustrated that the facts were not available to us.
“This is all we have for now,” I reminded her calmly. “Alice has not seen our future change, so we can assume we are safe for the moment. If that were to change, we will address it when the time comes. They may have magic, but we still have speed, strength, and our senses to guide and protect us.”
“But what if that is not enough? They may have other magical abilities we are unaware of; who knows what else that boy could have done to you?” Rosalie argued back forcefully, though her concern for my safety did not escape my notice.
“If these humans were so dangerous the Volturi would know about them, and would have shared their knowledge with us, Rosalie,” I suggested calmly to her.
“But-”
“Edward is probably right, Rose; I doubt these spells will affect us as they affect humans,” Alice intervened, hoping Rosalie would be more inclined to believe her. “Of course, we cannot take this for granted, but at the moment, we must trust that the Volturi would go to every effort to ensure the safety of our species. If they discovered witches and wizards could some how thwart our strength and our speed, they would have been killed or turned.”
“What if they could not be found?” Rosalie challenged her sister.
“If they could not be found, they are not a danger to us,” Carlisle reminded her yet again before Alice had the chance to reply.
Finally, Rosalie was no longer able to deny the argument we had clearly and patiently laid out before her. As much as she disliked anything that may put our family at risk, Rosalie knew that the Volturi would not stand for the survival of any species that were an active threat to our kind.
“So what are we going to do about all of this?” Jasper asked our family, but was in fact only interested in Carlisle’s response.
“Keep it to ourselves,” our father responded immediately. “The boy needs us to keep his secret as much as we hope he will keep ours. He would surely have enough sense to at least fear Alice retaliating if she were to See him tell others about her gift. We must trust that he will keep silent, and until we have proof to the contrary, we should do the same.”
Rosalie sighed with annoyance; she always disliked relying on others for our safety and Carlisle’s tendency to trust humans.
However, I agreed with Carlisle; I felt the boy would not be inclined to spread the word especially when Alice’s prediction, were it publically known, would likely cause havoc in his world.
Carlisle’s statement had a sense of finality to it, and we all knew we were to obey him regardless of our own sentiments. Although, my family sat in silence for a couple of minutes, their minds were far from empty as each of them continued to ponder exactly what we were agreeing to and the implications this choice may have on our futures.
Unlike the others, Rosalie was directing her thoughts towards me even though she was not directly trying to communicate with me.
What if the Volturi found out we knowingly kept the existence of wizards from them? Why does Edward care about humans so much anyway? And why are we always forced to be a part of it? He’s not even sorry for the danger he was putting us in during those sixty minutes.
“I apologise,” I spoke into the silence so as to respond to Rosalie’s thoughts. “For putting us in danger,” I continued sincerely, and of course I meant it. “And for placing you in a painful situation,” I added sympathetically, turning to my left and making eye contact with Jasper.
“You have nothing to apologise for,” Jaz responded immediately. “Once Alice was able to explain what she had seen, I understood why you needed to speak with that boy even if I was unable to be in his presence for some time. As we have discovered, it was important you speak with him to inform both his knowledge regarding the value of his life, and ours.”
“Thank you for understanding,” I whispered gratefully to my brother as I reached over to grip his shoulder. “You know how much I hate it when you suffer.”
“I know,” Jaz whispered. Do not believe for a moment that I cannot detect how much that boy affected you too; I am not the only one who struggled tonight, he admonished me firmly, but kindly, reminding me that he was also privy to my emotions during my conversation with the boy and now. “I knew you would not have put me in that situation unless it was important.”
“You did the right thing, Son,” Carlisle said from the car behind me, much to Rosalie’s annoyance. “Both you and Alice had decided how to use the knowledge your gifts provided you in that moment. I agree that the boy deserved to know what Alice had Seen even if that meant telling the truth and risking our discovery. Such a life cannot be lost so freely, and I would have felt regret if you later informed me of what you knew, but chose not to intervene. I am proud of you, Edward.”
“Me too,” Esme agreed gently.
“You did well, Edward,” Alice praised me, and I could feel her smiling as she spoke.
“Hear, hear!” Emmett agreed loudly.
I couldn’t help but smile at my family’s praise and forgiveness.
“Are you serious?” Rosalie exclaimed, angered by the open support my family gave me. “We are not human or even part of the magical world this kid lives in. Why should we care what happens to them? It won’t even affect us!”
I was surprised when Alice immediately came to my defence with an argument I hadn’t thought of myself.
“What if the destruction I saw was not specific to Spinner’s End? What if it would have extended to the rest of England or Europe? Just because I did not See it, does not mean it would not have happened! If these wizards are as powerful as we think- if this boy is so fundamental to the human race, perhaps he is also valuable to ours. What if this became a global issue that merely started in Spinner’s End? We would have been arrogant to assume this Dark Wizard’s tyranny would never affect us.”
“Whatever-”
“Has this existence severed you so permanently from your humanity, Rosalie?” Carlisle gently challenged her. “We drink animal blood to preserve human life, and to keep our own connection to the emotions associated with being human. I refuse to believe you lack any compassion for that boy or the humans around him,” Carlisle concluded firmly.
Rosalie ignored our father’s reference to her compassion in favour of her continued anger towards me.
“My problem is that Edward should not have made the choice for us- we should have had the opportunity to vote for the appropriate course of action.”
“You would have lost,” I pointed out to her. “And I did consider telling you what I planned to do, but I did not know how long it would take to talk to the boy. I knew you would all fear for my safety if you knew the truth and I did not want the weight of your thoughts and trepidations to distract me from my monitoring of the boy’s. The less you knew the better.”
“But you should not have had the power to make the choice! And as we discovered, you may have exposed Alice and yourself for nothing- we don’t even know if what you said made a single bit of difference to that boy!”
Fed up with arguing with my stubborn sister, I simply said:
“I had to try, Rose.”
“And look where that got us? Sixty minutes we will never get back again, and rushing to the airport. And even now, you still don’t know if that boy has enough backbone to live.”
An unbidden growl escaped my lips. Instinctively I clenched the steering wheel in an effort to ground my emotions in reality. For the first time that night I felt angry. I had not realised such feelings were boiling below the surface of my awareness, but suddenly I felt them fully, and with this also came a resurgence of the emotions I felt in the pub.
Upon hearing my reaction to her insult, Rosalie was no longer inclined to reprimand me or criticise the boy I had spoken to; although she was pleased to get some ‘fight’ out of me, she recalled that I was driving and backed off.
Despite this alteration in Rosalie’s intentions, my feelings towards her remained unchanged.
How dare she? That boy has more backbone than she could ever dream of possessing!
Once Jasper had recovered from my unexpected rage which hit him in the chest, he immediately tried to calm me down as he noticed the Volvo travelling faster than before.
“Do not provoke him, Rosalie!” Jasper shouted at our sister, my own anger with her influencing my brother’s. Immediately, I felt his hand rest on my shoulder, and the beginnings of his gift taking effect.
“I have stopped,” Rosalie said calmly and seriously; she had no intention for her comment to have affected me as strongly as it did- not even I expected to feel such intense anger.
By this stage, I was still gripping the steering wheel, clenching my fists and my jaw every time I felt a surge in anger rise within me. This was my way of assisting Jasper’s efforts to calm me down, and slowly it was working.
My family were silent as they gave me a moment to regain control over my emotions. Unfortunately, every time Rosalie’s comment echoed in my mind, an uncontrollable surge of rage pushed its way through me. Although I was in an emotional state, I was able to comprehend why I felt this way. Unfortunately, Jasper was having difficulty understanding how I could be calm one second, and alarmingly angry the next.
Edward, Jasper thought uncertainly the third time this occurred. What is happening? He questioned me gently, concern colouring his thoughts.
I wanted to answer him and vocalise how unfeeling- how ignorant- how utterly wrong Rosalie was, but I only felt like shouting, and neither Jasper nor Alice deserved to be deafened. So I remained silent, and instead ground my teeth audibly and forced myself to breathe out whenever indignation threatened to control me.
I heard Jasper turn in his seat to stare at his wife; he wondered what she though of my behaviour. Concerned that her husband’s gift did not seem to have a lasting affect on me, I heard Alice move quickly but cautiously across the leather seat as she placed herself directly behind me. I felt her arms slide carefully along my shoulders, and eventually I felt her hands gently rub up and down my arms.
I forced my mind to focus on the way her palms moved firmly across my skin. Her gentle, quiet thoughts penetrated my consciousness which distracted me from my own.
Rosalie is notorious for being selfish, you’ve known this- known her for longer than I have, she reminded me gently. But we know her rudeness, especially in this case, stems from her love for us. She loves our family- she’s just scared, and that blinds her to the feelings of others sometimes.
I shook my head in disagreement; she was heartless with regard to the boy and the lives of all humans. Just because she lost her own life long before she should have did not mean others deserved an equally tragic fate.
Noticing that Alice was communicating with me through her thoughts, I felt Jasper attempt once again to calm me from where he sat; he did not wish to interrupt whatever effect Alice was having on me.
Jasper and I know that that boy affected you somehow. I do not know what you are not telling us… but I do know that that boy’s decision will not be an easy one.
I lifted my gaze so I could look at Alice in the rear-view mirror. She gave me a small smile and squeezed my shoulders in support, glad that she had engendered a reaction from me.
I understand how difficult this will be for him and I know Jasper does too- he felt how upset you both were just before we left, but Rosalie does not. Tell her she’s wrong, Edward; it’s okay to stand up for him, she reassured me.
“Edward?” Esme spoke to me; the prolonged silence that followed my growl worried her significantly. “Are you all okay up there?” she asked.
Even Rosalie was concerned that none of us had said anything in over a minute.
Jasper looked at me uncertainly; he knew I felt calmer, but did not know how long that calm would last.
When I did not answer our mother, Jasper asked me quietly: “Are you okay?”
I felt my tense body relax as I gave in to Jasper’s gift. For a second, I closed my eyes and allowed Jasper’s calm to fill me, as I reminded myself of Alice’s words: It’s okay to stand up for him.
“Thank you,” I muttered gratefully to both Alice and Jasper. My brother’s mind filled with relief as he clapped me on the shoulder.
You are welcome.
Alice was giving me a broader smile now, glad that she and her husband were able to help me so efficiently.
“Jasper? Alice?” It was Carlisle this time who was addressing us; he too was worried that no one had responded to Esme.
“We’re okay, Carlisle- sorry,” Alice replied to him. “I think Edward just needed a moment,” she explained sympathetically.
“Is he doing better now? I notice that he has slowed down again,” Carlisle checked with Alice, though it was disconcerting for him that I was not speaking for myself.
“He is,” Jasper answered, though as he spoke he leaned forward to force his gaze into my peripheral vision.
I felt my lip twitch upward in acknowledgement of his concern and how strange it was to see him so intent on getting my attention.
I know you will say ‘no’, but I am ready to drive if you need me to, Jaz reminded me before sitting up properly in his seat.
I allowed myself to smile, and immediately I felt Jasper’s thoughts relax; he was relieved that I seemed to be back to my usual self.
“I am sorry for what I said, Edward,” Rosalie muttered, and I was surprised to hear through her thoughts that she was genuinely remorseful. I was impressed that no one had told her to apologise to me; for once in her life, she did it without being asked. But in her mind, I could see she was also curious to understand why her words offended me so significantly.
After taking a few seconds to regain control over my emotions, I felt ready to justify my intense reaction to Rosalie’s statement.
“It astonishes me that after hearing the entire conversation that took place in that pub, you then had the nerve to suggest that boy potentially lacks ‘backbone’,” I hissed in a controlled manner.
“I was not privy to his thoughts, Edward,” she cut back bitterly. “Forgive me for not understanding the whole story.”
“Your close-minded, selfish personality prevents you from understanding how difficult it would be for him to do what I asked!” I yelled at her through my teeth.
“Hey, no insults,” Emmett spoke up loudly, insisting his rule apply to both of us.
“He accused you of not understanding what it is like to be him. But he was wrong, wasn’t he? You do understand him and what he is going through. But the problem is Edward,” Rosalie paused, relishing her opportunity to lecture me, “you are the only one of us to have access to his thoughts and his memories, so only you know what life is or could be like for him. If I had known there was more to this boy than what you have told me, I would not have been so ready to say what I did. So do not judge me until I at least have all of the information I need to understand him as you do!” she hissed.
I exhaled slowly as I silently acknowledged that for once she was right. Although the rest of my family understood on some level the difficult situation I had put the boy into, Rosalie needed it to be spelled out for her. I knew this about my sister, but I had been so immersed in my own guilt that I had forgotten how ignorant my family were of his situation.
I was about to answer Rosalie, when Esme quietly supported her daughter.
“We noticed how upset you were when you left him, Edward. What happened? You can tell us,” she encouraged me gently.
Having realised how much I had yet to tell my family, I readily informed them of all I knew about the boy. I hoped their empathy for him would help them understand my alarming reaction to Rosalie’s suggestion that he ‘lacked’ a backbone.
“I have never come across a mind like his before,” I began calmly. “Although he was intoxicated, his reasoning and his faculties were still remarkably intact. This is how he appeared to be sober, as evidenced by Rod’s shock that he was not drunk. I believe that to any of you, except Jasper and me, he would have appeared to be a lonely boy who was simply drinking to pass the time.”
I shook my head in astonishment and wonder as I recalled how much that young man was able to visibly conceal from his audience.
“We all witnessed Jasper’s experience of his agony- how that boy managed to contain such intense and painful emotions is beyond my understanding; his ability was almost inhuman, and yet his grief made me certain he was anything but. Within minutes of being in his presence, I knew that beneath his very convincing façade was an emotional and psychological Hell none of us could ever hope to live with for long. Somehow his intriguing mind continued to drive his behaviour, whilst his emotions relentlessly ate away at the very pit of his stomach. His control was almost perfect, but for as long as it continued, I would never be able to change his mind.”
“So you tried to upset him- to break through,” Jasper interjected unable to reign in his curiosity as he begun to understand why I intentionally pushed the boy to the brink of tears.
“Correct,” I acknowledged. “I knew his love for Lily would be the only factor that could tie him to life and motivate him to live through the agony he was experiencing. Given she has passed on however, avenging her death, caring for her family, or ensuring her death was not wasted were the only parts of her that I hoped he would grasp.
“As we know, Harry, Lily’s child most likely still lives, but not being sure, I could not inform him of that. I do feel, however, that if he were alive, the boy may live to protect him.”
My family were silent in light of this revelation; how could this boy be willing to live for Lily’s son when he was not the infant’s father? How could he love Lily so intensely when he, as far as I could determine, had never been her partner? It quickly became clear to my family that this boy was a conglomerate of contradictions; we had evidence he worked for the Dark Wizard and presumably is capable of dark magic himself, and yet he loved this woman so selflessly.
“He would do that for her?” Esme eventually whispered in disbelief.
“I believe so,” I responded slowly. “My suggestion that her husband or son may not be dead gave him pause. Despite his objection to my desire for balance, protecting them would be his way of redeeming the crime he felt he committed.”
“But he didn’t kill her, did he?” Emmett asked, feeling slightly confused. “The Dark Wizard that disappeared was the one who murdered her. So what did he do?”
“I think the answer is quite complicated, but I was able to gather pieces of information based on the memories he recalled during our conversation. I can share what I know based on these, but I am certain there is more to the story.”
“Some information is better than none at all,” Alice pointed out optimistically, glad for any further insight into the boy who had so much influence over the future of Spinner’s End. “At least it will help us understand where he was coming from a little better.”
“True,” I acknowledged, not wanting to discount the information I did have. “Before I try to explain it, it would be helpful and interesting for you to know that people like Alice exist in his world. Not to the same strength of Alice’s gift, however,” I added quickly, not wishing to panic my family further than I already had that night.
When I was certain they would not interrupt me, I continued.
“When I told the boy about Alice, he labelled her as a ‘Seer’ which is the name given to individuals who can predict the future. It alarmed the boy that Alice was able to See how the future will alter on the whim of any one individual’s choice. The extent of Alice’s gift was one he believed to be impossible even in his world.”
I then paused for dramatic effect as once again the slight parallels between the magical human world and ours was quite startling.
“Some time ago, it is difficult to determine exactly when, the boy overheard a prophecy- a prediction being made by a Seer. I am not sure the contents of the prediction the Seer had made, but he deemed it important enough to tell the Dark Wizard its contents-”
“The Dark Wizard who killed her? But why would he do that?” Emmett interjected feeling indignant on behalf of Lily and her family, feeling the boy had betrayed the woman he supposedly loved.
“He did not know the prophecy referred to Lily or would affect her in any way, this is why he is unable to forgive himself for telling him,” I explained carefully; I wanted my family to believe in the boy’s innocence as I did.
“So he believes the reason why the Dark Wizard killed Lily, her husband, and tried to kill her son was because of this prophecy?” Esme tried to summarise for our family.
“Mmm, no,” I replied, shaking my head. “He knows the prophecy is the reason why she was murdered.”
“It cannot have been too specific then,” Jasper observed, “otherwise he would have known it referred to Lily.”
“I imagine it was quite vague,” I agreed. “But he did know it referred to his master.”
“I wonder why a prophecy was made about the Potters and this Dark Wizard,” Carlisle pondered out loud. “I suppose we will never know unless Lily’s son is alive and this Dark Wizard re-appears once again.” It interested me that Carlisle was disappointed to not have a full understanding of the intriguing mystery our family were privy to.
“There are endless possibilities,” Alice contributed. “Perhaps the prophecy predicted that one of them would kill this Dark Wizard, so he murdered them all for good measure?”
“But that didn’t work out too well for him- he’s disappeared,” Rosalie pointed out.
“Or gone into hiding,” Emmett further suggested.
“I feel we have distracted you from your story, Edward,” Esme said politely; although she enjoyed our family’s speculations, she was keen to readdress the facts.
I smiled, glad to indulge everyone’s personal contributions to understanding the prophecy; anything to help them understand what that boy went through in my presence.
“Once it became apparent to him that his master intended to kill the Potters, I feel he somehow altered his allegiance.”
I paused as I remembered the respectful thoughts he felt towards Albus Dumbledore, who was the leader of the ‘opposition’ as evidenced by tens of Godric’s Hollow inhabitants.
“I believe he tried to protect her- told Albus Dumbledore what he had heard.” I then gasped as two facts connected themselves in my mind.
“What?” Jasper asked forcefully, even though he sensed the intrigue circulating through my body.
“The woman who spoke to Godric’s Hollow- the one who had been in contact with Albus Dumbledore,” I clarified. “She was surprised that the town knew the Potters lived in the house up on the hill. But why wouldn’t their neighbours know who lived there unless-”
“Their location was meant to be a secret!” Alice finished for me.
“Exactly.”
“So after he told the Dark Wizard about the prophecy, discovered it may put Lily in danger, he told Albus Dumbledore, his master’s opposition in the hope he would protect Lily and her family?” Carlisle summarised for us to make sure he understood the facts.
“Correct, though unfortunately the protection was not effective; as we know the Dark Wizard was still able to find them,” I said sorrowfully, as I imagined how I would feel if I trusted someone to protect my family and that protection failed.
“I feel sorry for him,” Alice said quietly, her voice deeper with her empathy for him. “He tried to protect her when he realised his mistake, but she still died. Although it was not his fault, I can understand why he feels so responsible.”
I nodded.
“But manslaughter?” Emmett interjected seriously. “This was not manslaughter,” my brother insisted.
“I agree; he did not know who the prophecy referred to- he did everything he could to make it right,” said Esme as she also empathised with the boy, possibly with greater understanding than the rest of us.
“I completely agree, but he loved her, Esme. To even conceive causing Lily a small amount of pain was excruciating to him. He cannot forgive himself for that- for sending Lily to her death,” I explained solemnly. “He believes so fully that if he had not heard the prophecy, Lily would still be alive, that he takes responsibility for her death.”
Carlisle sighed. “Well if the boy lives long enough to discover that Harry Potter is still alive, perhaps he will continue to live: for her son.”
“If he were to make that choice, he must truly love her,” Rosalie whispered, speaking for the first time in minutes. “He would be living just for that child.”
“Yes,” I agreed readily with my sister, “because he is Lily’s son.”
Rosalie’s understanding of the boy had deepened significantly; she now understood both his grief and his love for Lily Potter. However, how either of these factors influenced my own feelings towards the boy was still unclear to her.
“Edward, I still do not understand why you were so upset by what I said,” Rosalie mentioned tentatively, unsure whether I was ready to return to that aspect of our conversation.
“I was offended,” I explained to her, “you spoke as if the decision the boy needed to make was an easy one- that choosing to die required no ‘backbone’.”
“I chose my words carelessly,” Rosalie informed me defensively, though I could hear true regret in her voice. “But dying would be the easier choice, wouldn’t it?”
“Only he could answer that,” I replied. “I honestly could not imagine making either choice. If I knew my death would result in the torture and enslavement of my home town, I would be willing to be a martyr for them- I would not be so arrogant to believe my life was worth all of theirs. The boy’s beliefs reflect a similar understanding. However, if the alternative required me to experience relentless incapacitating grief and guilt for being responsible for the death of the woman I loved… I don’t think I could survive it.”
“So you ultimately asked him to choose between self-torture or the torture of countless others,” Rosalie summarised finally understanding what I had been trying to say. “To be selfish or selfless.”
“Precisely. I told him he would not be selfish if he chose to die in order to preserve his sanity and spare others of the bitterness and self-hatred I know he will feel if he did choose to live. Yet despite how much I understand about his situation, I asked him to place the wellbeing of others before his own- I left him feeling selfish and woefully misunderstood. I took his freedom and his peace away from him,” I concluded solemnly, my own guilt returning to me.
“Oh, Edward,” Esme said soothingly, and I could see in her mind that she wanted to give me a hug. “He deserved to know what Alice saw. You were meant to speak with him, Edward; I am sure of it.”
“He did not want to hear what I had to say; he wanted to be left alone. I knew this- I should have granted him his final wish,” I whispered remorsefully.
“But Edward, you may have given him a purpose- a reason to live- one he did not have before,” Alice pointed out to me.
“But as he said, he cannot live like this; no one could truly live when they carry such agony and remorse in their hearts. His mind was a relentless Hell created by him to ensure he was never forgiven for her death- never given a moment’s mercy. I should have walked out of that pub the moment I realised he would never forgive himself.”
“There is still hope that he may, Edward. He just discovered Lily died- in five or even ten years time, he may be able to forgive,” Carlisle murmured calmly, attempting to insert some optimism into my outlook.
I shook my head. “He is too connected to her… I cannot understand it; I do not believe they ever dated.”
“Really?” Rosalie asked in disbelief.
“Really,” I confirmed. “Perhaps his love for Lily was unrequited. If this were true, that would explain the depth of his grief for her- so many regrets. Without question, he would die for her- do anything for her, but to live merely to protect the lives of his neighbours? He could not conceive that- he could not imagine surviving such a life.
“I hope he discovers that Lily’s son lives and the man who murdered her may one day live again. Only this information may give him the courage and motivation to struggle through the emotional pain he would need to endure over the next few years.”
“Then let us hope he finds out what we know; that the young child survived his parents. It is understandable that you feel guilty, Son, but that boy needed to hear what you had to say even if it caused him tremendous pain,” Carlisle reasoned kindly with me.
Of course, I knew my father was right. Unfortunately, it took some time for my guilt to subside; the boy’s tearful face kept looming in the back of my consciousness.
There is so much more I should have said…
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Edward’s POV continued…
We pulled into the airport with ten minutes to spare. Within a minute, Carlisle and I had both found a space for our cars which were scheduled to be shipped to Washington in due course.
As we were unloading our bags and rushing through the departure gates, Emmett asked me tentatively:
Did you really kill 8 people? And I knew it was question he had been longing to ask all night. It amused me that he was torn between irreverent awe and shock at the number of people I had presumably killed.
“Yes,” I muttered under my breath at a level no human could hear.
Aw man, when? he asked through his thoughts, sounding far more enthusiastic than he should have been.
The answer to his question should have been obvious. Although Emmett had heard of my rebellion against Carlisle and Esme some decades previously, I had refused to provide any details. Out of respect for me, my parents similarly kept silent on the matter. However, Emmett now wondered how many ‘rebellions’ I had embarked on during my existence.
“Years ago- before Rosalie joined us,” I whispered. “And it was just once,” I added, wary of his next question.
I can’t believe you told this stranger about your rebellious stage before me! he exclaimed in mock offense.
“There is not much to tell, Emmett,” I told him seriously.
Oh sure there’s not, Emmett teased me, his grin far broader than I appreciated. Eight people? There would be plenty to talk about if you wanted to.
“They were all murderers or rapists,” I hissed at him wishing he would drop the topic.
So you lied to the boy then? They weren’t innocent, my brother pointed out, but not in an accusatory manner; he was merely trying to discover the truth of my ‘human-blood drinking spree’.
I cringed.
“They were still human, Emmett,” I reminded him patiently.
Humans do not commit such crimes, monsters do, Emmett thought seriously, though the irony was not lost on him. You didn’t see them commit their crimes did you? He added hesitantly; he wondered whether this was the reason why I never spoke of that period of my life.
“No,” thankfully, “but I often saw them recall the moment through their thoughts, which they did with relish.”
That’s disgusting, Emmett commented, and I could not agree more with him. Well if one was going to go on a killing spree, murdering other murderers is definitely the way to go.
I turned sharply to my right to show Emmett how much I disapproved of his almost jovial attitude.
Don’t look at me that way, Emmett chuckled in an attempt to reduce the tension around me. But when I did not alter my expression, my brother spoke seriously once again:
They deserved it, Edward, not even you can deny that. I’m sorry for joking around, okay? It was so many years ago, but… of course you wouldn’t have forgotten it. Naturally, he was right about that which was yet another reason why I chose to never recount even the broad details of my time away from Carlisle and Esme.
Then feeling slightly guilty, Emmett patted me on the shoulder and left me walking alongside Jasper and Alice so he could join his wife who was leading the way to customs.
While Jasper was trying to determine the topic discussed between myself and our brother by comparing my emotions with the few words I had uttered, Alice was examining Rod’s future for what was the sixth time that night. As it had been since leaving Spinner’s End, his future and that of Spinner’s End was caught in limbo between the usual, mundane human life, and a dark place with far darker tyrants. The suspense was beginning to grind at my nerves even though I had yet to determine which future I wanted Alice to See for those people. My only consolation was that the boy was still alive, which gave me hope that after sixty minutes I had in fact reached the part of him who loves Lily. Even then, knowing he was still living in an intense psychological Hell, which he is likely enduring because of my intervention, significantly reduced any relief I may have felt knowing that he was still alive.
Once we successfully went through customs, we ran (at a fast human pace) to the boarding gate which was, of course, on the other side of the airport. As we ran, Alice tried to See the boy’s future to determine what he was doing at that point in time. Had he fallen asleep? Fallen unconscious? Was he still standing in his home with the poison in his hand or on his bedside table?
Unfortunately, without knowledge of his name (miraculously the boy never referred to himself in the third person in his thoughts) and an unclear image of his appearance (which was based on my description of him), my sister could not See him or his future. After two solid minutes during which she attempted to See him, she regretfully gave up.
Once we had boarded the Boeing 747 and found our seats, my family taking up seven of the ten seats in our row, we made ourselves comfortable for the flight ahead of us. While Rosalie was standing in the aisle placing our bags in storage and communicating with Alice to ensure we had everything we needed at our feet for the seven and a half hour flight, Emmett caught my eye.
Do you think we’ll come back one day? Emmett asked me hopefully.
“Perhaps, but it will not be for some time, Emmett,” I reminded my brother. “We cannot risk that boy seeing me again.”
Emmett’s disappointment was clear in his thoughts and on his face.
Aww, Emmett moaned, clearly crestfallen. I would have liked to have known what happened to him and to his world.
I nodded my head in understanding, but I could not decide what I would want to discover if we were to return in future.
Perhaps we could return to a different area of England?
I raised my eyebrows at Emmett. “Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of your returning?”
Emmett grinned at me. Well he cannot see you but it would be permissible for me to seek him out.
“Let us hope that Alice Sees anything significant in the time being in the hope that will sway you from this desire of yours,” I said half jokingly as I gave my brother a slight smile; I felt the possibility of us returning was slim, and wanted Emmett to be aware of this fact.
“At the moment I See nothing,” Alice muttered under her breath at a level only we could hear. She was thoroughly disappointed that her gift had not allowed her to See what we all wanted to know. “I thought I would have been able to find him.”
“This is a unique situation, Alice,” I reminded her quietly, “without his name and given you have not met him, you would not be able to see anything unless it was out of the ordinary.”
All I heard was Alice’s sigh.
By this time we were all seated. Rosalie was browsing through the airplane catalogue and Emmett was loyally looking over her shoulder pretending to be interested in the latest Duty Free items. However, it was clear to me that he was not interested at all.
If you could, you would like to see him again, wouldn’t you? Emmett thought at me. He was not looking at me, but I had no doubt he wanted an answer- hoping that if I did, I would later support any attempts he may make to return to England in the years to come.
I was able to ignore his ulterior motive because his question caused me to contemplate my answer and whether this differed from my desire.
If I could guarantee the safety of my family and my species, would I want to see that boy again sometime in the future?
If he were still alive.
Would I want to see what had come of his life having decided not to take his life the evening we met? As difficult as it would be, I could not deny myself the opportunity to apologise to the boy for the part I played in the continuation of his life.
My answer to Emmett’s question was an unwavering Yes.
I gave my brother a small nod, which Emmett saw out of the corner of his eye. He smiled broadly while he eyed a red, satin dress in the magazine. Anyone else would have believed Emmett was intending to buy Rose that particular dress, but myself and Jasper knew what his smile signified: Hope.
XXXXXXXX
Edward’s POV continued…
We had been in the air for ninety minutes when Alice’s vision finally stopped wavering between the two potential futures for Spinner’s End. I exhaled with relief and Alice gave a small cheer when the mundane, however desirable, image of average humans walking around their small town clearly formed in Alice’s mind. For now, Rod’s future was free of torture- for now the boy had chosen to live his life.
Naturally, our family heard both of our reactions, which occurred simultaneously, and were naturally eager to hear what Alice had seen. Quietly, I informed Rosalie and Emmett what had happened, whilst Alice communicated the same to Jasper, Carlisle and Esme.
Our family readily expressed their relief that the boy opted for the decision they hoped he would choose.
However, while they spoke quietly amongst themselves, now considering how the boy felt about me and how much my intervention had influenced his decision, I found myself staring out of the window, unsure how I felt about being at all responsible for the boy’s decision to live what I knew would be a difficult life. Ultimately, I wanted him to make the choice that he wanted to make based on the knowledge he now had. If I knew he logically weighed up the advantages and disadvantages of each option, I would have felt more relaxed. Unfortunately, not even Alice’s gift could provide me with that relief.
Even though I knew the future had altered for now, I was certain the boy was too connected to death; he would not have altered his decision so quickly and have it be so definite. I expected that he would change his mind perhaps after having a good night’s sleep.
I tried- hard to think of something else, but I could not be distracted from my own hypotheses regarding what the boy may now plan for his future.
My hope, however unlikely it may be, was the boy found of way of saving Spinner’s End that did not require him to endure a torturous life. Perhaps he warned someone of what Alice had seen and this is what led to Rod and his neighbours’ safety. Perhaps he told Albus Dumbledore? What would he- one of, if not the most powerful wizard think of me and my Seeing sister?
Regardless, if Albus Dumbledore was aware of what the boy and I had discussed, perhaps he alone could put a stop to the Dark Wizard’s revival? Perhaps then the boy could die in peace knowing someone else would help those still living, including Lily’s son. I could only hope.
I rested my forehead against the side of the plane, hoping the boy would be so lucky,
He could die in peace after all.
XXXXXXXXX
Author’s note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It is quite a long one so thank you for getting through it! I hope it was worth the wait.
There will be one more chapter before we skip some time (14 years to be exact) in this fic. Therefore, the next chapter will summarise what occurs for Edward and the Cullens over the next 14 years. This way, when we return for chapter 6, everyone will know where the Cullens are at when they return to England ; )
Thank you once again for reading- please remember to vote and leave a comment for me!
I hope to update ‘Leave Me’ within a week, so stay tuned :D