Serena gave herself three days before she returned to Darien's house to collect her things. She felt like she had mustered enough courage by then. It was not like he was going to be there and she needed to face him.
She deliberately went there on a weekday. The housekeeper was out and Darien would surely be in his office.
It was a good thing that Darien left her suitcase from Seoul in the hospital. At least she had a decent enough wardrobe for a week. Lita offered her a room in her apartment without questions, and she gratefully accepted. In a week or two the house where she and her dad lived would be available for occupation. Darien insisted on renovating it when she went to live with him.
Serena was planning on asking Lita for her old job in the pastry shop. Her father was still recuperating in the hospital and Serena was hoping that he wouldn't ask her a lot of questions about the end of her relationship with Darien.
Darien wanted a divorce? She felt pained at the thought. Or did he believe that she wanted a divorce so he was giving it to her? She wished she had one last chance to straighten their relationship or lack of it. She couldn't find the strength to get up anymore. She just wanted to sleep, hoping it would dull the pain and make her forget.
The last time they had been apart, she wasn't aware how much she loved him. And perhaps, his insistence that there would be no divorce acted like a safety net for her poor heart. That must be the reason why she survived that break up. This time, it was as if he couldn't wait to divorce her. Did he do that because he discovered that she loved him? Was he afraid that she would cling on to him like a vine? Was it his goal to make her fall in love with him and then leave him? She needed to ask him those questions.
Her keys to Darien's house was still with her. She had checked with the housekeeper the day before about Darien's schedule. She also informed Mrs. Wyatt that she would remove her things. Mrs. W offered to help but Serena refused, afraid that the older woman would notice her tears.
Smelling the homey, familiar scent of the house was pure torment. It was a wrong move to insist on packing her own things. She should have agreed when Darien suggested that he would have it sent to where she'd be staying.
She blinked several times to keep the tears from falling. Oh, she loved him so much!
She even sent him a goodbye email. She wasn't sure he'd read it in time, but she hoped it would at least clear some of the misunderstandings.
She look at her engagement and wedding rings on her left hand. She didn't want to surrender them without a fight, but did she still have the right to wear them? She took them from her finger and placed them on the bedside table in the master bedroom.
Her email was just a combination of dull words. She couldn't possibly tell Darien that he loved him when he had no use for her feelings.
She wished that her email would tell him of her pain, her bitterness at their separation, or of her love for him, but she couldn't find the words. She placed the keys near the rings and rose to her feet as she wiped the tears away from her eyes using the back of her hand. The quicker she gathered her things, the sooner she would be able to leave.
Could it be that she was prolonging this task because she wanted to replay the memory of the nights she spent in this room in Darien's arms?
At last, she finished her packing. She took a last look around the room. Would Darien notice the difference in the cabinets that had once held her clothes? As those thoughts only made her heart heavier, she hastily picked up her suitcase and slipped on her shoulder bag.
She couldn't see clearly because of her tears. She walked into the living room and stiffened when she noticed Darien's form sitting in the black sofa. She blinked several times to ascertain that her vision was not cheating her. It was pure pain to see him again. But it was also heaven to be able to stare openly again at the man she loved so very much.
"Did... didn't you get my email? I told you I'll be here today to get my things." His piercing eyes were looking at her directly. She was sure her blue eyes were enormous. They were staring into each other.
His handsome face was etched with pain as he looked at her face. Darien, her husband, was red-eyed and...crying? No...
But he was. Tears were falling down his haunted face.
"What the hell are you still doing here?" he shouted.
Serena would have trembled in her stance if she had not detected his anguish behind every word. Darien must have realized it and he, as if defeated, weakly dropped into the single couch, his head bent lower than it was earlier.
"I guess it doesn't matter. Yes, I got your email. You could have just sent me a text message that you're still here and you don't want to see me. But I guess I really wanted that one last chance to talk with you."
His usually powerful voice was crushed and beaten and it made Serena's heart ache. He continued talking like a broken man. He seemed full of self-contempt. "Don't want to see you? I thought it was you who can't stand the sight of me."
"For all the years we've been together, I've tried my damnedest to make sure you never knew how much I loved you. I went to shameful efforts to make sure you believed I never did. You deserve to know after all the hell I put you through."
"Oh, Darien..." Serena dropped to her knees in front of him and placed her hands on his lap.
He glanced up to look into her eyes. "I honestly love you, Serena. I don't think I ever stopped. I didn't even know when I started falling in love with you. Maybe that night when I first met you..."
Serena could see and almost feel the pain written in his eyes. He was taking in the incredulity and the confusion on her face like a man that saw an oasis in the desert.
"Serena, I love you so much. I'm sorry for forcing you... to be with me again. Please forgive me for blackmailing you to being my wife again," he pleaded brokenly.
"No, don't say that," Serena managed. "Maybe that's our way, you pushing me to do things that I actually wanted to do... like being your wife, being with you again. Maybe we both don't have enough courage to admit what we really feel for each other so we find excuses to be together."
"Please, your pity is the last thing I need!" he barked, standing up, once again assuming the dominant role. "I can't accept it, Serena."
Serena got to her feet, dropping her shoulder bag to the floor.
"It's not pity, Darien." Serena moved to be at his side at once. She touched his face but he turned away.
"Leave," he commanded.
"Why are you so obstinate? What is making you act this way? I'm telling you I-"
"I heard you and Molly talking. She was telling you about how unfortunate that you met Seiya during that hospital concert! I'm sure that he is expecting you and the children you promised him."
"Darling," Serena cried, hugging him from behind, her hands on her flat stomach. She felt the stiffening of his body. If it was because of the endearment or of her nearness, she wasn't sure. "Seiya isn't expecting me. And he's not waiting for my little boy and girl either. You are my husband. I want you to be their future father. You're the only one who have the ultimate say about it. And that's my say-"
Darien turned around to face her and stared deeply into her eyes. She cupped his face in her hands.
She was sure he could see her love for him on her face. His hands moved to feel her neck, her face and he kissed her lips with the strength of a man holding on to dear life. Serena could still see the lingering of doubt in his blue eyes and the uncertainty in his face.
"I've always loved you, Darien. I always will," she solemnly promised. "I think right from that moment when I saw you at the party in our house. I want you to know that I didn't know you then. The meeting wasn't staged by my father."
He looked deep into her eyes and it seemed that finally, gradually, he absolutely believed what she was saying. Serena's heart lifted with joy when he gave her a warm smile.
"You do love me," he breathed. He gave a short laugh as if he still could not take it in. "I thought you were telling Molly that you loved Seiya, and that your life would be more miserable with him knowing because you're tied to me. You kissed him that night... and then Molly said she wished you'd never seen him at the concert." He didn't attempt to mask the jealousy in his tone and although it hurt Serena that the act caused him pain, she was glad that Darien was finally opening up his feelings.
"It was just a friendly kiss. Please don't begrudge him that. He was dying. He declared his love for me and I do not regret that I could not return it. I've already given all my love and myself to you. Will you forgive me, too?"
He embraced her in reply. He held her so tightly that Serena could hardly breathe, but she didn't care a bit. She felt a shudder ran through him and could almost voice out what he's thinking.
"I've been a fool, sweetheart," he said, breathing in the scent of her hair.
"I was young and terribly jealous." She dried the dampness on his face.
'But that was not an excuse for me to treat you as I did,' he exclaimed. 'When I asked you to marry me I never stopped to consider your actual feelings. When I began to find you more and more attractive and couldn't resist you, I was convinced I could have you without it making much difference in either of our lives.
"That day, when Raye called me to say that Ami found you ill in the bathroom... I accused you, sweetheart, of many things to hide my own guilt."
Serena, who had never dreamt of hearing him speak like this, felt her eyes widen. His humility might only be fleeting but, while it lasted, it was like a balm to her soul. 'You let me go.'
'Yes,' his eyes went bleak and his arms tightened around her, 'I suppose I meant it. It wasn't until later that I became aware what a complete fool I'd been. It suddenly dawned on me how much I loved you, how you meant more to me than anyone or anything else. You're my wife...'
His breath came harshly as he stared at her, 'I'm nearly out of my mind! I'd lost loved ones before, but it was nothing to the pain of losing you. Ami told me how she'd found you unconscious on the bathroom floor. I went cold then, Serena. I think I remained that way until the day you agreed to be my wife again.'
Uncertainly she said, "I asked for my freedom because I didn't think you wanted to see me again. I thought I was doing the right thing. You told me you just married me because your grandfather insisted—'
"When did I ever say that? Can't you remember that night when I was drowning in you, telling you that I would still have married you even if—"
She blushed at the memory. "I thought you were thinking of Raye, that it was your promise to her. That you will still marry her... after the deal with my dad and your grandfather is over. She told me that you would have married her if it weren't for the score—"
"There was no score. She told you a mountain of lies and I'm sorry for bringing her between us." He smiled without humor, as if the memory of her leaving was still too vivid. "If I'd had any idea you loved me I would have never let you go. You left me to work in a foreign place.'
Serena was convinced that this hard man had suffered. More than she would ever have believed. She stared at him, her face paling, as she heard him recall those days she would rather forget.
'How did you manage all those years that you were away from your family?' Darien's jaw was curiously rigid. "I'm sure you missed them."
'Not too badly, really,' Serena, sensing his pain, forced herself to speak lightly, to put from her any recollection of those long, lonely days. 'I guess there's some truth about the kindness of humanity. Afterwards, as you know, I got a new job and earned enough.'
'When I saw you at the concert on stage I was stunned, but not half as much as I was when you're actually in my reach.' She was still in his arms as if he couldn't bear to let her go, even for a minute. Crushing her to him again, he muttered hoarsely, 'My God, Serena, I have never felt so bad in my life. I couldn't even speak. Seeing you, after years of not knowing how you've been, was like having someone kick me where it hurt most. I wanted to cry—you looked so thin and pale! I wanted to hug you and kiss away all the terrible things you must obviously have endured—for which I'd been responsible.
"Do you know how important you are to me? How much I love you? I love you, my darling, more than ever. But my hands seemed tied because I was the one who hurt you. I thought you must hate me and that any show of passion would only make you more frightened of me than you already were.'
Tears were streaming down Serena's cheeks, she wasn't able to stop them. 'I wish I'd known!' she whispered.
'While you were in hospital that time you miscarried,' he said soberly, 'I was able to kiss you, but you were unconscious.'
'I felt someone had kissed me when I woke, but you were so harsh, so like a stranger, I thought I must have been dreaming. Darien,' she said softy, as his mouth lowered gently to kiss away her tears, "that night when Raye came to make you sign some papers, I went down and heard you talking."
"And you certainly assumed the worst, didn't you, based on what you heard?" he teased. Then he was all apologies. His tone was dead serious and his handsome face was remorseful. "I'm sorry for what happened in our bedroom after—"
"No need. It wasn't that bad," she taunted him back, whispering playfully in his ear how he made her feel that one time.
"Shameless hussy." He threw back his head in laughter. "Just to put your eavesdropping and your heart and mind at peace, I was giving Raye an ultimatum that night."
She just raised an eyebrow, as if telling him to try harder. "I told her to find a new job and I promised to supply good reference."
"Sure that was all?" She tried to turn her eyes into slits, looking at him.
"As sure as I'm standing here, tortured by an unnecessary inquisition." He playfully slapped her derriere. "It's just that she had another agenda."
"Darien!" she protested.
"That's a small price for the accusations of infidelity I got," he maintained. Darien shook his head, staring at her with a little of his old arrogance. 'Darling, that's the truth. Maybe, through loving you, I'd learned how to be compassionate to others. I was trying to be diplomatic with Raye. She seemed a little unstable.
"Didn't you realize I was ready to grasp at any excuse to have you with me? What's worse is I believe you hate me. It seemed the only defense I had is to say you're free to go. And I'm sorry if you felt that I hated you. It must be because of the pain I'd suffered when you left me. I couldn't easily get rid of such dark moods. They still haunt me. Maybe that's why I'm so harsh with you sometimes.'
"Are you saying you're going to let go of me again if I ask you to?"
'No,' his arms tightened again around her, 'never. You couldn't have gone anywhere without my knowledge. Does that make me a stalker?"
She nodded several times, smiling at him. "Depends if you're tracking me through my phone or watch."
"You don't wear a watch and you always forget to bring your phone," he said.
Serena remembered something. "That night, when we were supposed to go to Greg's party, Raye said that you wanted an open marriage with me."
He laughed. 'Raye seemed to have said a lot of things that weren't true, but your openly condemning expression when I asked you didn't help much, my darling. She played us both, against each other and you'll be glad to know, as I know I am, that she's left my employ before we left for Seoul. I could read your chaste little thoughts so clearly and, although I knew I was partly responsible, I felt furious that you were so ready to judge me. That's why I didn't explain what had actually happened. Raye's family and mine have always been friendly, but she was never my lover. I never wanted her to be. And somehow I don't think we'll be seeing much of her in the future.'
Serena turned her face up to his with a sigh of surrender and undisguised longing.
"I think I can bear it even if you re-hire her, maybe just not as your secretary. Maybe some other executive's assistant. It seemed a little unfair. Anyway, knowing that you love me will help me be more confident this time even if she feeds me a pack of lies."
"I already offered Raye a transfer in another office or branch, but she refused. Let's not talk about her anymore." Daniel frowned. "Speaking of executive assistants, can't I get a blonde supermodel instead?"
She feigned annoyance. "Hm, I didn't know you were partial to blondes."
"I married a genuine one, didn't I?" His mouth covered her lips again. But this time, his kiss was unbelievably tender. "Let's agree on a male secretary, okay?"
"Hmm, a male blonde supermodel? Now that's an idea. Maybe I'll visit you often and bring you lunch!" He glared at her and she gave a peal of laughter.