“Ok guys, ready to start?” Sarah asked brightly as she flipped on the music. The pounding vibrations echoed through the rehearsal room. Taking a deep breath, I took my place behind the boys.
For the next hour, I danced harder than I ever had, the tears streaming down my face. I put everything into it, focusing my pain on each move and every step. Slowly, the dancing began to block it all out. As my tears dried, I felt only a deep sense of calmness. I remembered how it had felt the first time I attended dance class.
I was four years old. And I had loved it, twirling, spinning, kicking. I imagined I was one of the dancers I saw on television. And then, after class, Mom and my instructor had discussed what I needed to focus on.
As time passed, dance became less and less fun and more and more work. Near the end, I had hated and resented it as much as I had hated and resented….
I realized suddenly that the music had stopped. Everyone was staring at me as I moved to the tune in my head. I stumbled, ending my performance clumsily as I tripped over my own feet. Grady caught me, steadying me.
My face was glowing. I could feel the heat of embarrassment radiating off my skin. I stared at the floor intensely. Until I heard the clapping.
All of them were clapping for me, and it should have made me feel better, but it only embarrassed me more.
“Bravo, Lindy. You really let go that time,” Sarah chirped. “Don’t worry, you’re going to be great!” She went to the corner, fiddling with the music as she listed her critique notes for one of her assistants, who dutifully wrote them down.
Mom, of course, lingered at the edge, eavesdropping on Sarah as she spoke. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a water bottle from the table in the corner.
The cold water felt amazing against my parched throat and I finished half the bottle in one long gulp.
Ryder and Tom joined me while Bridge sank to the floor opposite the mirrors, dropping his head in his hands. Across the room, Hardyn was being lectured by Grant. Apparently he had not performed well today.
Ryder came to stand beside me and took a long sip of water. “So Lindy,” he whispered after a few moments of awkward silence. “You looked great today.”
“Really?” I asked. Tom stood apart from us, pretending not to listen.
“Yeah,” he grinned at me, flashing his brilliant smile that didn’t quite reach his brilliant blue eyes. “Listen, since you’re going to be around more, I thought we should talk about what happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” he shifted uncomfortably. “I… I… I’m sorry I kissed you.”
I felt as if I had been punched. I suddenly couldn’t breathe as I stared at him in shock.
“You’re sorry?” I echoed. A funny buzzing feeling was coming over me. I hadn’t expected Ryder to apologize for kissing me.
“Yeah,” he said, making a face. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. I just… You looked so pretty. And older.”
His words stung. I stared at him. I couldn’t move. So this is what it feels like to have your heart broken, I thought. From the corner of my eye, I saw Tom watching us with an embarrassed look on his face.
“I just don’t want to hurt you,” Ryder said. “I care about you too much.”
Too late, I thought as Tom rolled his eyes. He caught my gaze and his sympathetic expression hurt more than anything else.
“Okay,” I took a deep breath, willing my hands not to shake.
Ryder stared at me, confused. “Okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. I may not have much, but I had my pride. Ryder Rhodes was not going to see how badly he had hurt me. I decided then and there that he would never know.
“Okay,” Ryder said. For a moment I thought I saw a spark of regret in his beautiful eyes, but then I forced myself to look away. No more fooling myself, I thought. If he wanted to be with me, he could.
“It’s not that I don’t like you, Lindy,” Ryder added hurriedly.
I started to reply, to say something smart, but Grady interrupted us.
“I thought you didn’t want this,” Grady said at my elbow as he reached around me, grabbing a sports drink.
“What do you care?” I turned away from Ryder to face my brother. Perfect timing, I thought. Now I can take everything out on you.
“Uh, let’s see, I don’t,” Grady’s face shone with sweat and it dripped from his hair. Disgusting.
“Did you enjoy your little performance?” he asked as he opened the bottle.
I stared at him blankly. “I guess so?” I had loved it, I wanted to say, but something stopped me.
“Well, you better get used to it. Mom offered you up to the wolves last night.”
I opened my mouth, ready to make a cutting remark, but then I paused, confused. “What do you mean?”
“Why didn’t you play along? Gaw, Lindy! Sometimes you can be so stupid!” He gestured wildly, spilling his drink as he spoke. ““You really messed everything up for yourself. You know that, right? You’re done for now. Mark my words.”
“Done for?” I felt addled. My brain couldn’t keep up with everything. I suddenly just wanted to be home in bed.
“Your mother got you an audition to be a backup dancer at the meeting last night,” Ryder said.
“Didn’t you know?” Tom asked.
I shook my head slowly.
Grady shook his head. “I tried to save you, Lindy. You should have just played along.”
“I thought you were being mean! I thought you wanted it all for yourself!” I said.
Grady raised his eyebrows. “Why would I do that?”
I shrugged.
“That’s really what you think of me?” he laughed shortly. “After all these years? When have I ever treated you like that?”
“Never,” I whispered. Grady wasn’t a perfect brother by any means, but he had never been outright cruel. In front of others, anyway.
“But I don’t want…,” my voice trailed off. To be perfectly honest, so much had happened that I didn’t know what I wanted. All I felt was a deep sense of betrayal. From everyone.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered as Ryder and Tom exchanged glances and by unspoken agreement walked away, leaving me and my brother alone.
Grady refused to meet my gaze, focusing on the blank space of wall above my head instead. “I tried to,” he said finally.
He glanced at Mom as she walked towards us, smiling brightly. “But would it really have made any difference?”