Loudspeaker: "DEVIL KING ARMY ALERT! DEVIL KING ARMY ALERT! WE'VE DETECTED A GROUP FORMING IN THE PLAINS OUTSIDE! KNIGHT CORP, PREPARE TO MOVE OUT! BECAUSE OF THE SCALE OF THIS ATTACK, WE ARE APPEALING THAT ADVENTURERS FROM IN THE CITY JOIN THE BATTLE! ALL HIGH LEVEL ADVENTURERS, PLEASE GATHER AT THE GATE!"
Darkness: "Kazuma, wake up! We need to move out!"
Darkness was pounding on Kazuma's door, so the last thing she expected was (Y/N) to open it.
(Y/N): "You did bring my axe from home, right?"
Darkness: "Wha- Yes we did, but why are you-"
(Y/N): "A whole lot of whiskey. My head feels like it's splitting, but I'm always up for a fight."
Darkness: "...Just grab your axe from your room and join the other two."
(Y/N): "Yes ma'am."
(Y/N) instinctively closed the door upon exiting, so Darkness was back to pounding on Kazuma's door.
Kazuma: "I'm still sleeping."
Darkness: "Idiot! Now isn't the time for jokes like this!"
Kazuma: "You're the one telling jokes! They called for high level adventurers, and I'm only level 17! I can't even be called mid level! With adventurers like Mitsurugi in the capital, they'll have no problem clearing out the threat!"
Darkness: "Fine! I'm joining the fray with the rest! Low level adventurers should just hide in their beds and shake!"
Darkness quit banging on Kazuma's door and angrily marched off to join the other three.
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Aqua: "I don't wanna! I came here to relax and laze around, and if I fight now, I'll get myself into trouble! I just know it by now!"
Megumin: "I'm not going to the castle to group up, I'm going straight to the battle! If things get too chaotic, I won't be able to unleash my magic! If I'm lucky, I'll be able to take out the entirety of them with one explosion!"
(Y/N): "I'm going with you, I can't have you stealing all the glory! Plus, with two explosions, the army will be done for in seconds!"
Darkness: "Aqua, please just come on! Megumin, you wait here! (Y/N), stop acting like a Crimson Demon!"
Megumin: "What's wrong with that?!"
(Y/N): "Yeah! Let's show her the power of the greatest magic!"
Suddenly Kazuma burst out his door.
Kazuma: "Now isn't the time to be bickering! We have a crisis on our hands! Let's move, out to the fields with us!"
Everyone deadpanned at his sudden change in disposition.
(Y/N): 'He's probably figured out that if he does something special enough-'
Kazuma: 'They might just let me stay in the castle!'
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At the castle, a fully armed Knight Corp stood in formation. There where plenty of other adventurers there too. There was a guild staff member speaking through an amplification magic item.
Guild Staff: "Adventurers, gather this way! As you haven't received training in military group maneuvers, you'll be acting separately from the knight corps, so just fight freely! I'll inspect everyone's adventurer's card before the battle. We'll provide additional rewards based on the number of monsters you subjugate after the battle, so please do your best!"
The adventurers all gathered in one spot to have their cards inspected.
Guild Staff: "Let's see... (Y/N) (L/N)...Level 33, you're good to go."
Kazuma: "33?!"
(Y/N): "I may not have dealt the absolute final blow to Sylvia, but I was close. You and her gave me a fuck ton of xp. How else would I still have skillpoints left after learning Explosion?"
Kazuma: "...Jeez."
Kazuma sighed and handed his card over to be inspected.
Guild Staff: "Satou Kazuma, right? I'm sorry, but it's too dangerous for adventurers under level 30 to fight-"
Claire: "It's alright, that man is a veteran adventurer. He's achieved many merits, and is perfectly fine to fight."
Claire had come with a group of nobles. The nobles all looked at (Y/N) and Kazuma with high expectations.
Kazuma: "She's probably here to boost the adventurers' morale."
(Y/N): "Simply appearing doesn't boost morale. This is how you boost morale!"
(Y/N) raised his axe over his head and shouted.
(Y/N): "This puny attack is no match for the might of all of us!"
The adventurers shouted along with him, chattering about the man who'd just up and taken command.
(Y/N): "I can't hear you! Give me a shout to tell me how strong you are! AAAH!"
Adventurers: "AAAHHH!"
(Y/N): "COME ON, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! DO YOU WANNA LIVE FOREVER?!"
The adventurers shouted with all their might, drowning out all other sound.
(Y/N): "COME ON THEN! LET'S IMMORTALIZE OURSELVES BY BEATING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF WHATEVER SAD CREATURE GETS IN OUR WAY! ARE YOU WITH ME?!"
Adventurers: "YEAAAH!"
(Y/N): "SEEK AND DESTROY! CHAAAAAAARGE!"
The adventurers gave out a warcry and charged off towards battle following (Y/N). Kazuma sighed, but something caught his eye. Up on a balcony, Iris was watching.
Kazuma: 'Don't you worry, Onii-sama is gonna do great!'
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Kazuma: "...Hello again Eris."
Earlier...
Everyone had just arrived on the battlefield. (Y/N) stood at the front, axe in his hands, sword on his hip, and guitar on his back. He flipped the looper on as he charged into battle.
(A/N: I'm not really a huge fan of Disturbed, but I have a huge soft spot for this song from Rock Band on the ps2. And I still regard Stricken as one of the most kickass metal songs ever written. 10,000 Fists album fucking slaps.)
The first enemies (Y/N) ran into was a small group of kobolds.
(Y/N): "Really? Small fries!"
One swing of the axe was enough to cut three of them in half. He came back and sent another one flying with the hammer end of the axe. The last two jumped at him, and he was able to catch one with the pommel of the axe, running it through. The second got past and stabbed him in the side with a small dagger. The nobles watching chattered about him being weak, but (Y/N) was about to prove them wrong. As blood sprayed out of his side, he looked down at where he'd been stabbed. All everyone else saw was blood, but all (Y/N) saw was a hole right through one of his favorite patches.
(Y/N): "DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO GET ONE OF THESE?! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!"
He grabbed the kobold by throat and instantly started using Drain Touch. After gaining some mana, he threw it to the ground, where it promptly tried to crawl away. (Y/N) swiftly brought the axe over his head, swinging it down into the kobold's chest. An explosion rumbled in the background as he ripped the axe out of the dead monster's flesh and continued on. Running through the battlefield, he caught sight of another group of enemies, this time much bigger. He ran up to them and saw that they were a large group of goblins.
(Y/N): "You fuckers again?!"
Goblin: "Again? Doesn't matter, kill him!"
The group of goblins charged him. Bones crunched and flesh split in the wake of each swing.
(Y/N): "Feel the wrath of the killing name!"
Blood splattered onto him as he tore through the horde. One large goblin caught him from the side, knocking his axe out of his hand. Another goblin came up from behind and kept him in place.
Goblin 2: "End of the line, buddy!"
(Y/N): "Oh, I don't think so!"
(Y/N) quickly unsheathed his sword and reverse gripped it. He stabbed backwards, impaling the goblin. The goblin fell to the ground, dead. (Y/N) then fought off more, stabbing, slicing, and shredding through the goblins. A smaller one stabbed into his leg with a knife, making him involuntarily fall to one knee.
Goblin 3: "Quick, get his sword!"
They grabbed his sword and threw it away from him, leaving him defenseless...Or so they thought. He got to his feet, but not before taking the large hunting knife from his boot.
(Y/N): "I can do this all day!"
The goblins still charged him, this time more hesitantly. (Y/N) was able to swipe at a few of them, but then a goblin around his size got too close. He buried the knife between the goblin's eyes, and the blade was stuck there. He yanked at the blade for a minute.
(Y/N): "Talk about a thick fucking skull!"
The rest of the goblins saw their opportunity, and tackled him to the ground. Soon all the living goblins were dogpiled on top of him. He still managed to kill a couple goblins with his wrist bands before they held all of his limbs down.
(Y/N): "Y'all are real stupid! You've given me the perfect opportunity to explode you all!"
Goblin 4: "There's no way you know explosion, you're just an adventurer!"
Goblin 5: "Even if you did, casting it here would mean you'd die too!"
(Y/N): "You fools! I WAS BORN FOR DYING! EXPLOSION!"
Goblin 6: "Wait, with that amount of mana-"
Their thoughts were cut short by a pillar of flame penetrating their very being. Every last goblin was blown to smoldering ash by (Y/N)'s explosion. Because of that amount of goblins on top of him, and the fact that this wasn't the first time he'd been hit by an explosion, (Y/N) was relatively unharmed. But he was still immobilized.
Goblin 7: "This is it for you!"
One tiny goblin, who had been mostly out of the blast zone, survived the explosion. Normally, this would've posed no threat to (Y/N). But he was immobilized, and weakened on top of that. This may have very well have been the end for him. He was bracing himself when a sword came down and cleaved the goblin in two. Two knights appeared over (Y/N).
Knight 1: "You did well, but it's time you come back."
(Y/N): "Yeah, you think?"
The two knights took Amelia off his back and loaded him onto a stretcher. They placed Amelia and his other weapons next to him as they started to carry him back. On his way, he met up with Megumin, also being transported by two knights carrying a stretcher. The only difference was that she was only immobilized. She spotted the blood that covered him, and started to freak out.
Megumin: "(Y/N)?! Are you alright?!"
Knight 3: "Easy! You're shaking the stretcher, I thought you couldn't move?!"
(Y/N): "Don't worry, not even half this blood is mine."
Megumin smiled and reached over, grabbing his limp hand.
Megumin: "I should've known better."
The two were brought to the gates, where Aqua was healing adventurers.
Aqua: "Because we're friends, I won't charge you. Just buy me a drink later."
Aqua quickly healed (Y/N)'s wounds. He had enough mana to move his arms now.
(Y/N): "Aqua, give me your hand."
Aqua: "E-eh? Why?"
(Y/N) gave her a sweet smile.
(Y/N): "Just trust me."
Aqua: "...Alright."
As soon as Aqua took his hand, he started draining mana from her.
Aqua: "AAAAH! STOP!"
(Y/N): "UNLIMITED POWER!"
Despite all of Aqua's attempts against it, (Y/N) locked an iron grip around her hand that could rival Darkness. Before long, he had drawn more mana than he'd started with. He let Aqua's hand go, and stood up, rearming himself.
(Y/N): "Rinse and repeat this motherfucking xp farm! This is-"
*CONK*
(Y/N): "You bitch! What was that for?!"
Aqua had summoned her staff and swung at (Y/N)'s head.
Aqua: "For tricking me and stealing mana!"
(Y/N): "You have a near infinite supply! What's the problem with me taking a little?!"
Aqua: "You should've asked first!"
(Y/N): "Oh fuck off! I'm going back!"
Claire: "You stay right here! You've done enough!"
(Y/N): "Last I checked, you ain't my mama! I'm gonna to grind like a goddamn rpg character!"
Claire: "Why you-"
Aqua: "Ah, Something's dragging Kazuma away!"
(Y/N) watched as Aqua chased away a monster trying to drag Kazuma's body away. Aqua then used something heavy to keep his body in place.
(Y/N): "How'd he end up biting the dust?"
Aqua: "Kobolds."
(Y/N): "Kobolds? Really?"
Aqua: "Yeah."
(Y/N): "...Well I'm headed back then."
Aqua: "Don't even think about using explosion again! Today, your mana privileges have been revoked!"
(Y/N) and Aqua stuck their tongues out at each other before he ran off again. He proceeded to repeat the same process, excluding explosion, for the rest of the battle.
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Citizen: "The knights and adventurers have returned victoriously!"
One civilian shout led to the entire capital celebrating. Some residents bowed their heads with respect, others raised their arms and jumped for joy. But two people were not exempt from confused stares. The ones who these stares were directed at were (Y/N) and Megumin. It wasn't every day that people saw a man absolutely covered in blood bridal carrying a small Crimson Demon girl down the street. But all who lived in the capital were grateful regardless. The crowd of adventurers and knights made their way into the castle, holding their heads high. Claire made her way in front of the group.
Claire: "Thank you all for your hard work! The capital is safe once again to your efforts! Her Highness Iris expresses greatest gratitude! Look forward to your bounty payment!"
The adventurers shouted cheers excitedly.
Claire: "Everyone must be tired after a battle like this. Rest up during the day, and come back to the castle tonight for a special banquet! Those with extraordinary performance will be rewarded!"
The adventurers cheered louder, then quickly settled into chatter about what to do to kill time. As small group of nobles surrounded Darkness, (Y/N) gave Megumin enough mana to move on her own.
Noble 1: "Lady Dustiness, please tell us about the battle inside the castle."
Noble 2: "I heard about your exploits this battle!"
Noble 3: "I want to hear about Lady Dustiness' glamorous fight too!"
Darkness was practically carried away by the nobles. She looked to Kazuma for help, but he didn't dare make a scene when he was known as the man who died to kobolds. Aqua tugged on Kazuma's sleeve.
Aqua: "I'm going to preach to all those people I healed. I'm gonna invite them to the Axis Church, and after me saving them, there's no way they won't accept. It'll be their way of showing proper gratitude."
Kazuma: "I'm sure they'd show proper gratitude even if you didn't bring it up. This is why you never gain any followers."
Aqua turned and started to walk towards the knights, but (Y/N) stopped her.
(Y/N): "Aqua, wait up. I gotta tell you something."
Aqua: "Hm? Are you finally going to apologize for stealing my mana?"
(Y/N): "Yeah."
Aqua: "Well you- Huh?"
(Y/N): "I wanted to say that I'm sorry for stealing your mana without asking you."
Aqua: "E-eh? I...It's alright, I forgive you."
(Y/N): "Good. Now since we're friends, let's shake on it."
Aqua and (Y/N) stretched their hands out towards each other.
Aqua: "Sure- Wait a second..."
Aqua slowly pulled her hand back.
(Y/N): "Come on, let's shake. I won't bite."
(Y/N) quickly tried to grab Aqua's retracting hand, but she snatched it back before he could.
Aqua: "I won't fall for this again!"
Aqua quickly ran away as (Y/N) leaned back and laughed maniacally. Iris ran over to the three.
Iris: "Kazuma Onii-sama, (Y/N) Onii-sama, it's great that you two are- WAH!"
(Y/N): "WAH! to you too."
Iris: "(Y/N) Onii-sama, are you hurt?!"
(Y/N): "Why would I be hurt?"
Iris pointed a shaky finger towards him. He looked down at his hand and saw it covered in dried blood, the rest of his body no different.
(Y/N): "Oh, this isn't mine, I'm just holding it for some people."
Iris: "W-well it's good that you two are safe."
Kazuma: "Not entirely safe. I did die, after all."
Iris: "You died?! You can rest up in your room, it's exactly the same as you left it! And (Y/N) Onii-sama, I'll lead you to the baths, then you if you want you can join us up in Kazuma Onii-sama's room."
(Y/N): "Fuckin shit! Ow, Megumin, let go!"
Megumin put (Y/N)'s hand in another vice grip, but she didn't let up any this time.
Megumin: "I don't like all this Onii-sama business..."
Megumin kept (Y/N)'s hand in hers all the way to the baths.
Iris: "Please, take as long as you need."
(Y/N): "I appreciate it Little Miss."
(Y/N) used his free hand to pat Iris on the head, which only made Megumin grip his other hand tighter.
Iris: "Now Megumin-san-"
Megumin: "If you're calling (Y/N) Onii-sama, it would only be right to call me Onee-sama."
(Y/N): 'She's jealous of a little girl...'
Iris: "Eh? A-alright then...Well then, Megumin Onee-sama, I'll show you to Kazuma Onii-sama's room-"
Megumin: "There will be no need for that."
Iris: "Eh?"
Megumin: "I've just been through a battle, I could use a bath too."
Iris quickly went red.
Iris: "B-but this isn't really a mixed bath..."
(Y/N): "Oi, what are you up to?"
Megumin: "This battle has taken so much out of me, it's taking all my strength just to stand here like this. Oh well, I suppose that (Y/N) will have to help me wash."
Iris: "I-I understand! I'll see you two after a little while!"
Iris' blush turned even deeper as she ran away.
(Y/N): "I mean, I'm not opposed to it, but you did just say that to get to her, didn't you?"
Megumin: "...At home, I'll call you Onii-sama too."
(Y/N): "Please don't. Coming from you just makes it uncomfortable."
Megumin: "What do you mean, coming from me?!"
(Y/N): "I mean I'm not into dating my little sister! I may be from the south, but I ain't from Alabama!"
Megumin: "What does that even mean?!"
(Y/N): "Incest isn't wincest for me! It doesn't bother me when Iris says it because I don't feel that way about her!"
Megumin looked more peaceful, and her grip on (Y/N)'s hand loosened some.
(Y/N): "Better now?"
Megumin: "Yes.....Can I still take a bath with you?"
(Y/N): "If you're dead set on it, I don't think I have the option to say no."
Megumin smiled and squeezed his hand, gentle this time.
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After a while, Megumin exited the bath and went towards Kazuma's room. (Y/N) opted to stay in the bath a little longer, but after a few minutes of soaking, he exited as well. As he was closing in on Kazuma's room, he could hear them talking. Apparently, Iris was already in the room with them.
Kazuma: "It's Japanese? It says, 'Your things are mine, My things are yours, I'll turn into you!' Just what kind of keyword is that?"
(Y/N) opened the door, entering the conversation at the same time.
(Y/N): "A stupid one. What the hell is it for?"
Iris: "(Y/N) Onii-sama, you're just in time to see this magic item!"
Even after their little talk, Megumin was still mad about her calling (Y/N) Onii-sama. Her eye twitched each time that Iris addressed him like that. But one question caught everyone's attention.
(Y/N): "Is it supposed to be glowing like that?"
The Princess' magic item, a necklace, had started to glow after Kazuma said the keyword.
Iris: "C-could it be that the item is activating?!"
(Y/N): "Open the window!"
Kazuma: "We have to get it off of Iris first!"
Kazuma frantically tried to take the necklace off of Iris as (Y/N) opened the window. Kazuma handed the necklace to (Y/N), but before he could throw it, a bright beam of light shot out of it. Everyone closed their eyes to shield themselves. They all slowly opened them.
(Y/N): "Why do I feel shorter?"
Megumin: "Why do I feel taller? Have I finally hit a growth spurt?!"
Megumin looked down at her chest, but it was flatter than before. And wearing (Y/N)'s jacket.
Iris: "Onii-sama, you don't look like you've grown any?"
Megumin: "Kazuma, why did you just call me Onii-sama?"
Kazuma: "I didn't say anything yet!"
(Y/N): "Wait a second..."
(Y/N) found himself looking face to face with himself.
(Y/N): "WE SWITCHED BODIES!"
(A/N: From here I'll be referring to everyone the same, but who's body is talking will be represented by italics and brackets.)
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "What do you mean we switched bodies?!"
Kazuma [Iris]: "What kind of flimsy dress am I wearing?!"
Iris [Kazuma]: "Onii-sama, don't flip my dress around like that!"
Kazuma [Iris]: "How do girls walk around like this?! My lower half feels so vulnerable!"
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Right?! It's like a piece of tissue paper is all that separates me from the outside world! Megumin, how the fuck do you do this every day?!"
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "I finally have pockets! On the jacket too! They're so deep! I could carry Chomusuke in one pocket and Komekko in another!"
Iris [Kazuma]: "Onii-sama, really stop! You can't do that!"
Iris [Kazuma] ran over to Kazuma [Iris] and held her own shoulders in place. Suddenly a knock came from the door.
Claire: "Princess Iris? I heard you shout, what happened?"
Kazuma [Iris]: "C-Claire, it was nothing! I just got a little excited talking to Onii-samas!"
Claire: "Is that so? Well don't talk to those men too long, you'll learn bad things from them."
Kazuma [Iris]: "I-I'm fine, please carry on with your sentry duties!"
Kazuma [Iris] slid down the door, taking a deep breath.
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "You handled that really well, you know."
Kazuma [Iris]: "Thanks. Wait, let's trying saying the keyword again! Your things are mine, my things are yours, I'll turn into you!"
The necklace glowed again, but died out. In the end, nothing was different.
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Let's try saying it all together!"
All: "Your things are mine, My things are yours, I'll turn into you!"
The same effect.
Kazuma [Iris]: "What are we gonna do? I don't mind living as a cute young girl from now on, but it's hard to give up the body I've always lived in."
Iris [Kazuma]: "A man's body is so tall and strong...I feel like going on an adventure."
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Huh, so this is how you see me."
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "And this is how you see me."
(Y/N) [Megumin] donned a smug smile.
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "How's the weather up there, beanpole?"
Megumin [(Y/N)] leaned down and put a hand to her (his?) ear.
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "What's that? I can't hear you from all the way down there."
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "I'll give you that one...It's not you'll ever get to say that to me again."
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "Why you!"
Kazuma [Iris]: "How do you two manage to have lover's spats even in each other's bodies?"
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "You're right, now isn't the time. In the same way that there's a keyword to activate such things, usually there's a keyword to reverse the effects."
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Yeah, but how do we find that keyword?"
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "....."
Iris [Kazuma]: "What should we do. There's no way to go back to normal like this. I'll get chased out of the castle and have to live as a free adventurer...Finding reliable allies, taking down any monsters that stand in my way, travelling to different places I've never seen before...I really don't hate that kind of life!"
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Calm down Little Miss!"
Iris [Kazuma]: "Being called that by Megumin Onee-sama feels strange..."
(Y/N) [Kazuma]: "Calling Kazuma that felt strange too, but it's not the point!"
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "Princess Iris, I know I asked you to, but please don't refer to me as Onee-sama in that body."
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Will someone let me finish?! Are we sure that it's a spell and not a curse?"
Kazuma [Iris]: "If it's a curse, I'm sure that Aqua could- 'Wait, this is a divine relic, that means Aqua gave this to someone. If we aren't the original users, then it shouldn't last long!' "Hold on, I know what this magic item is! It's a divine relic, and since it wasn't given to us outright, the effects should be temporary."
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Let's just hope it ends soon. Preferably before the party tonight."
Iris [Kazuma] kneeled down in front of the bed, making Kazuma [Iris] uncomfortable.
Iris [Kazuma]: "Um, Onii-sama...I have a request!"
Kazuma [Iris]: "Eh? Well, I suppose you are a girl around that age, so you must be curious about boys. But please, don't do anything with my body."
Iris [Kazuma]: "I wasn't going to! I should be the one telling you not to be curious with my body! Just once...I'd like to leave the castle without my vassals."
Kazuma [Iris]: 'She's never had the chance to explore the city she was born and raised in...But will she really be alright alone?'
(Y/N) [Megumin] seemed to have read Kazuma's (Iris'?) mind.
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Megumin, can you take her around, make sure she doesn't get into trouble?"
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "Eh? I can, but what are you gonna do?"
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Leave Amelia here so I have something to do after. Before I do anything though, I'm gonna fuck with some people first."
(Y/N) [Megumin] quickly exited the room.
Megumin [(Y/N)]: "I can't help but have a bad feeling about this."
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Scanning the halls of the castle, (Y/N) [Megumin] found the first target. He (she?) giggled, trying to prepare what to say. He (she?) approached Darkness.
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Darkness, may I talk to you for a moment?"
Darkness: "Megumin? Sure, what do you need to talk to me about?"
(Y/N) [Megumin] did his (her?) best not to laugh. He (she?) jumped into the air and shouted.
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "SHIT SEX MAD STRESS NO BOO NO EX SMALL COCK BOTTOM TEXT!"
Darkness: "Megumin, what on earth?!"
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "LET'S EAT TRASH AND GET HIT BY A CAR! LET'S EAT TRASH AND GET HIT BY A CAR!"
(Y/N) [Megumin] then ran away as fast as he (she?) possibly could. Darkness held her head in her hands.
Darkness: "What just......Maybe I need a bath to clear my head..."
(A/N: I fucking love Billy Cobb. The Eat Trash Be Free EP is what it sounds like inside my brain 24/7. I love that EP, it's literally: "Mom, can we have Death Grips?" "We have Death Grips at home." But his serious stuff is fucking amazing too. I wish I didn't, but I really see myself in Bobby Hipp. Probably my favorite off the Bear Album.)
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After harassing his (her?) unaware friends, (Y/N) [Megumin] decided to just stay in Kazuma's room. (Y/N) [Megumin] suddenly took a break from playing Amelia. He looked down.
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "I try to pride myself on being a respectable guy...But I'm still a guy, and anyone in my place would do the same thing. In life, things come up once in a lifetime. Some opportunities are just too good to pass up."
He quickly grabbed at Megumin's chest, which was his own at the moment.
(Y/N) [Megumin]: "Hehehehehe...."
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Thug 1: "You really think you can talk to our boss like that?! You must have a death wish!"
(Y/N): "What in the goddamn shit?!"
Finally in his own body again, (Y/N) found himself in an alleyway, three very angry men in front of him.
Kazuma: "(Y/N)?!"
(Y/N): "Kazuma?! What the fuck did those girls get us into?!"
Thug 2: "Don't look down on us!"
The guy that they assumed was the boss swung with tears in his eyes, first at Kazuma, then at (Y/N). Kazuma was knocked to the ground, but (Y/N) only stumbled back a little. He spit some blood on the ground.
(Y/N): "Damn, you got a nice arm on you!"
(Y/N) smiled and put up his fists, but Kazuma quickly got up and started to drag him away.
(Y/N): "Whyyyy? It was gonna be fun!"
Kazuma: "Fun for you! Just shut up and run!"
(Y/N): "Wait, if I'm back, that means Megumin is too...I've got some apologizing to do."
Kazuma: "What did you do?!"
(Y/N): "I may have felt her up a little. But any guy in my place would have done the same!"
Kazuma: "Gotta agree!"
The two finally reached the castle gate. There stood Darkness and Claire, both visibly very angry.
(Y/N): "Hey Darkness, that was me in Megumin's body. Sorry about confusing you."
Darkness: "Eh? W-well, you certainly did confuse me, but it's alright. No harm done."
(Y/N) nodded and started to walk inside. Kazuma attempted to follow him.
Kazuma: "Then we're all good? Good. I'll talk to you all at-"
Darkness: "No, you're not going anywhere."
Darkness and Claire stopped Kazuma before he could go any further.
Kazuma: "(Y/N), HELP ME!"
(Y/N) saluted him and backed away, before running up towards Kazuma's room.
(Y/N): 'Please don't be pissed, Please don't be pissed, Please don't be pissed, Please don't be pissed.'
.
.
.
At the banquet, Megumin was surrounded by mages, Aqua was swarmed by people she'd healed, and Darkness was the center of attention as usual. Kazuma was sitting in the corner of the banquet, trying to avoid all attention. (Y/N) suddenly appeared and sat down beside him.
Kazuma: "Don't you have something better to do?"
(Y/N): "Nope, they don't like me much either. But bathing in her body? Really?"
Kazuma: "I wasn't doing it for Iris, I was doing it for Darkness!"
(Y/N): "I mean in your position, that's understandable...but still."
Kazuma: "I know! She got so mad at me...Onii-sama can't live anymore..."
Nobles on the sidelines chattered about the battle.
Noble 1: "This battle was a piece of cake, especially with Lady Dustiness leading the way!"
Noble 2: "Lady Dustiness led and took all the enemies attacks! Aqua-dono purified a large number of undead, and healed any wound instantly, no matter how grave! And last but not least Megumin-dono, who dealt the final blow to the retreating Devil King army! With that team, they might take on the Devil King!"
Noble 3: "Don't forget the pride of the kingdom, the magic sword hero Mitsurugi-dono! If he was to join that trio, then they would be sure to surpass the Devil King! And he has a lancer and archer girl in his party as well. That would be a perfectly balanced team!"
Kazuma: "Aren't they forgetting a couple people?"
(Y/N): "Yep. And I'll be damned if I let that shithead get a harem with my girl in it."
The nobles' gaze settled on the two in the corner.
Noble 1: "Those are the ones."
Noble 2: "Yes, that's him. Lady Claire mentioned that one is nothing but talk."
Noble 3: "The one beside him fought so viciously, it was really quite frightening. Unbecoming, if you ask me."
Noble 2: "And yet they both have the weakest job, Adventurer."
Noble 1: "Really, why did Lady Dustiness allow such people to be her comrades?"
(Y/N) gave the nobles a scowl, making them gossip a little quieter. Claire approached them, holding a glass of wine.
Claire: "I see you plebeians are still in the castle."
(Y/N): "It's my last night here, I'd rather not spend it listening to you bitch and moan."
Claire: "How dare you speak to me like that?!"
(Y/N) stood up to face her. Claire found herself looking up instead instead of down to meet his gaze.
(Y/N): "Oh, I dared, blondie! Wanna take this outside?!"
Claire: "I thought you didn't like hitting women?!"
(Y/N): "That suplex was liberating! I've seen the wonders of true gender equality, and you seem like the perfect kind of rotten bitch that needs some!"
Kazuma jumped up and grabbed (Y/N)'s arm.
Kazuma: "Please, don't draw any more attention to us!"
(Y/N) stood his ground for a moment before sitting back down beside Kazuma.
Claire: "As I was saying, Lady Dustiness is the guest of honor tonight. She and her comrades will being staying in the castle. You two can go back already."
(Y/N): "I've been kicked out of parties before, but none were this mean about it."
Kazuma: "Seriously, it's our last night here, couldn't you be a little bit nicer to us? Aren't you a happy you got to bathe with Iris?"
Claire: "Wh-what nonsense are you spouting?! To be happy to bathe with Her Highness...I-I won't pursue the matter..."
(Y/N): 'Female lolicon, that one's kinda rare.'
Claire: "Your teammates will be invited to join Mitsurugi-dono's party by the end of the night, then the goal of slaying the Devil King will be much closer. You two have quite a lot of money. Why don't you leave the team and live merrily in that town of beginners?"
Claire was smug and sarcastic until (Y/N) stood up again. His eyes had changed from petty anger to pure hate. Combined with the fact that he towered over her, this was the first time she was intimidated by him.
(Y/N): "Three words. Go. To. Hell."
Claire: "W-with their exceptional skill, their strengths can only be brought out in large scale battles. Do you have skills like they do? If you can demonstrate skill greater than Mitsurugi-dono, then we can laugh this whole thing off."
(Y/N): "Oh I'll show you skill, cock jockey. Kazuma hold Amelia, I'll tear this chick limb from limb."
Claire: "Th-there's no need to embarrass yourself any further, we both know you cannot use such a skill. The capital doesn't need you. You can enjoy the banquet for tonight, if you think you deserve it."
Claire walked off and (Y/N) sat back down beside Kazuma.
(Y/N): "You wanna stick around for a minute and watch me fuck things up?"
Kazuma: "Got nothing better to do."
(Y/N): "What do you mean I ain't kind? Just not your kind."
Kazuma: "What the hell just happened?"
(Y/N): "Reference, you set it up for me."
Kazuma: "Why am I not surprised?"
(Y/N): "Whatever, here's a song. It's called Fade To Black."
Ears perked up at the banquet as (Y/N) flipped the looper on. Heads started to turn as he played the opening solo.
(Y/N): "Life it seems will fade away. Drifting further every day. Getting lost within myself. Nothing matters, no one else. I have lost the will to live. Simply nothing more to give. There is nothing more for me. Need the end to set me free!"
As the heavy part came in, a few people started to make their way towards the sound.
(Y/N): "Things not what they used to be. Missing one inside of me. Deathly loss, this can't be real. Cannot stand this hell I feel! Emptiness is filling me. To the point of agony. Growing darkness, taking dawn. I was me but now, he is gone!"
(Y/N) looked up at the crowd in front of him now and smiled as he played the heavy riff again, deciding to put on a show. As he reached the transition into the back half of the song, he looked to the sky and stretched his hands out as high as he could.
(Y/N): "Can you hear me?! Can you hear me, Cliff?!"
Unexpectedly, thunder rumbled from outside. (Y/N)'s eyes widened as the nobles all stared up in amazement.
(Y/N): 'HOLY SHIT, DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!'
He then played the 5-7 riff as the thunder rolled.
(Y/N): "No one but me, can save myself, but it's too late! Now I can't think! Think what I should even try!"
The banquet watched in awe of the performance.
(Y/N): "Yesterday seems, as though it never existed! Death greets me warm! Now I will just say goodbye! Goodbye!"
Soon the harmonies kicked in, and everyone was blown away. Then the solo came, and (Y/N) managed to turn, quite literally, every head in the place. He gave them a big finish on a B power chord, and was met with applause from the nobles, and whistles and cheers from the adventurers. He gave the crowd the horns, and sat back down beside Kazuma. The crowd instantly swarmed him.
(Y/N): "What, y'all want another?"
The overwhelming cheers gave him his answer. He stood up again and grasped Amelia.
(Y/N): "This song is for those crazy adventurers back home! See, back in Axel, I played them a song at their first metal concert. It's stuck around, and it's become a trademark of mine! It's another one from Ride The Lightning, and it's about the angel who slayed those who oppressed god's chosen people! IT'S CRRRRREEEEEEPIIIINGGG! DEAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTHHHHHAAAA!"
The castle burst into cheers as (Y/N) started the song.
(Y/N): "SLAVES, Hebrews born to serve! To the Pharoah! HEED, to his every word! Live in fear! FAITH, of the unknown one! The deliverer! WAIT! Something must be done! 400 years!"
The nobles watched with wide eyes as the adventurers followed (Y/N)'s lead, banging their heads.
(Y/N): "So let it be written! So let it be done! I'm sent here by the chosen one! So let it be written! So let it be done! To kill the firstborn Pharoah son! I'm creeping death!"
Iris tried to stop herself, but couldn't help but bob her head a little in time with the music.
(Y/N): "NOW! Let my people go! Land of Goshen! GO! I will be with thee! Bush of fire! BLOOD! Running red and strong! Down the Nile! PLAGUE! Darkness three days long! Hail to fire!"
The solo came along and blew everyone's minds as small arcs of lightning sparked off the headstock. (Y/N) reached the bridge riff and looked up to the crowd.
(Y/N): "Alright! I need your help to finish this! Repeat after me! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
Adventurers: "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
(Y/N): "THAT'S RIGHT, KEEP THAT SHIT GOING! DIE! DIE! DIE! MOTHERFUCKER, DIE! BY MY HAND! I CREEP ACROSS THE LAND! KILLING FIRSTBORN MAN! DIE! BY MY HAND! I CREEP ACROSS THE LAND! KILLING FIRSTBORN MAN!"
It dipped back into the main riff with a rowdy cheer from some adventurers.
(Y/N): "I! RULE THE MIDNIGHT AIR! THE DESTROYER! BORN! I SHALL SOON BE THERE! DEADLY MASS! I! CREEP THE STEPS AND FLOOR! FINAL DARKNESS! BLOOD! LAMB'S BLOOD PAINTED DOOR! I SHALL PASS! SO LET IT BE WRITTEN! SO LET IT BE DONE! I'M SENT HERE BY THE CHOSEN ONE! SO LET IT BE WRITTEN! SO LET IT BE DONE! TO KILL THE FIRSTBORN PHAROAH SON! I'M CREEPING DEEAAAAAAATH!"
The outro harmony riled up the crowd even more, as did the outro. The final cheer of the crowd gave (Y/N) the push for one more.
(Y/N): "(Y/N): "You know what? Fuck it, one more! This one's a little different. I'm dedicating it to somebody at this banquet tonight. You can figure out who by yourself, it's called Platypus!"
(Y/N) started strumming aggressively, violently even. The crowd went nuts as he played.
(Y/N): "Your rise! And fall! Backed up against the wall! What comes around is coming back and haunting you! It's time! To quit! Cause you ain't worth the shit! Under my shoe or the piss on the ground! No one loves you, and you know it, don't pretend that you enjoy it, or you don't care! Cause now, I wouldn't lie, or tell you, all the things you wanna hear...Cause I hate you! Cause I hate you! Cause I hate you! Cause hate youuuuuu!"
The crowd was really into this one. Everyone seemed to tack a different name to this song, taking out their aggression with it.
(Y/N): "DICKHEAD! FUCKFACE! COCK SMOKING, MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE! DIRTY TWAT, WASTE OF SEMEN, I HOPE YOU DIE!"
The adventurers in the crowd gave a mighty cheer as (Y/N) kicked into high gear once again.
(Y/N): "RED EYE, CODE BLUE, I'D LIKE TO STRANGLE YOU! AND WATCH YOUR EYES BULGE RIGHT OUT OF YOUR SKULL! WHEN YOU! GO DOWN! HEAD FIRST INTO THE GROUND! I'LL STAND ABOVE YOU JUST TO PISS ON YOUR GRAVE! NO ONE LOVES YOU, AND YOU KNOW IT, DON'T PRETEND THAT YOU ENJOY IT, OR YOU DON'T CARE! CAUSE NOW, I WOULDN'T LIE OR TELL YOU, ALL THE THINGS YOU WANNA HEAR...CAUSE I HATE YOU! CAUSE I HATE YOU! CAUSE I HATE YOU! CAUSE I HATE YOOOOU! FUCKING! DIE!"
After the final scream from both the adventurers and (Y/N), Claire cut through the crowd and walked straight to (Y/N).
Claire: "..Against all common sense, Princess Iris has requested that you be allowed to stay in the castle tonight with your comrades. With this reception, I doubt there's anyone who'd have a problem with it."
(Y/N): "Oh but there is."
Claire looked confused.
Claire: "Who might that be?"
(Y/N): "Me. You didn't want me here in the first place, so I don't wanna be here either. Besides, having such an ill mannered, foul mouthed berserker in the castle would be bad for your reputation, wouldn't it Lady Claire?"
The sarcasm and disrespect in his voice when he said her name made Claire's blood boil. Before she could say anything however, (Y/N) announced himself to the crowd again.
(Y/N): "If anyone wants more music like this, you can find me at the bar just a few minutes from here. Come on Kazuma."
Megumin: "(Y/N), wait I'll go-"
(Y/N): "It's alright, enjoy the big bed tonight. I'll see you in the morning."
He leaned down and kissed her to silence any of her attempts to protest. With that, Kazuma stood up, and the two exited the castle, a crowd of adventurers and a few nobles behind them. For the rest of the night, that old man's bar was packed wall to wall.
.
.
.
After a night of loud music, Kazuma and (Y/N) had bought an inn room together to save money. The two sat in their beds, across the room from each other, but neither could catch any sleep.
Kazuma: "...Do you think they'll really join Mitsurugi's party?"
(Y/N): "Hell no. But even if they do, he'll give em back before a week. But you and me will be long gone by then."
Kazuma: "Huh?"
(Y/N): "If they leave the party, it'll suck. So to avoid that pain, I'm taking you, and we're finding Jason. You don't play anything, so you can be our manager. Unless you're opposed to living out the rest of your days partying your heart out."
Kazuma: "I'm not, but why are you preparing for this if you think they won't?"
(Y/N): "I don't want to, but it's better to have a backup plan than to wallow in self pity for the rest of time."
Kazuma: "I suppose."
(Y/N): "Look, I don't wanna think about the possibility of my very best friends betraying me, so let's talk about something else. What was your favorite song from tonight?"
Kazuma: "Absolutely Surfacing."
(Y/N): "Really? I thought that one might’ve been too heavy for the first-timers, but they dug it."
Kazuma: "It's anthemic. Great for pent up aggression, at least it was for me."
(Y/N): "Yeah, you get it! Nothing better than a middle finger to all the people who doubt you. FUCK IT ALL!"
Kazuma: "FUCK THIS WORLD!"
(Y/N) & Kazuma: "FUCK EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR! DON'T BELONG! DON'T EXIST! DON'T GIVE A SHIT! DON'T EVER JUDGE ME!"
The sound of someone knocking on the wall from the other side was heard.
Neighbor: "I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! PIPE DOWN, DAMMIT!"
(Y/N): "SORRY!"
Chris: "Seriously, shouting in the middle of the night is a bit much."
(Y/N) & Kazuma: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Chris: "Quiet down!"
(Y/N): "Chris, how did you get in here?!"
Chris jammed a thumb behind herself, gesturing towards the open window.
(Y/N): "I could've sworn that was closed."
Kazuma: "It was. She's a thief, remember?"
(Y/N): "Oh yeah."
Chris: "Anyway, there's a party tonight, isn't there? You two are back pretty early, all things considered."
Chris shot the two a knowing smile. Kazuma turned his back on her, facing the wall.
Kazuma: "I don't care how many times you ask, I'm not agreeing to anything. But, I will tell you all I know. That body switching relic is in the castle, but it's pretty harmless. The effect only lasts a small amount of time."
Chris muttered quietly in the direction of Kazuma's back.
Chris: "If one of the bodies dies, it'll never switch back."
(Y/N): "Excuse the fuck outta me?"
Both (Y/N) and Kazuma stood up from their beds. Chris laughed at the two's frantic state.
Chris: "When used right, that relic can grant eternal life. If you get old, all you have to do is swap bodies with a young person, then kill the other party. If you grant your fortune to the young person before it, then you've already been set up for more success. I remember, this magic item was bought by a noble in the very beginning. Yet, it's somehow landed in the hands of the Princess...Quite strange, isn't it? Who gave that as tribute to the royal family, and for what reason?"
(Y/N): "For the reason why, it's obvious. They want to take the place of someone in high authority. Who better than one of the royals?"
Kazuma: "We can't just sit idly like this! We have to report this to someone!"
Chris shook her head at Kazuma's suggestion.
Chris: "You can't predict the next moves of those who already knew about this relic's power. You and I both know that these nobles are probably eyeing it already. And the royals aren't excluded. The higher power one has, the more irresistible eternal life becomes. I've only told you two because neither of you would use it in such a way, even if you got your hands on it."
(Y/N): "I mean...Yeah, all I did was dick around."
Kazuma: "...I did try to take a bath, but there's quite a jump between sexual harassment and regicide."
The two fell silent in thought.
Chris: "Hey, you two were the playmates of the Princess, right?"
She walked back towards the window.
Chris: "Why don't we go have a playdate with Her Highness?"
(Y/N) gripped the handle of his sword.
(Y/N): "It's heist time, motherfuckers!"
Neighbor: "SHUT UP!"
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HEIST TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS! Super excited to write the next chapter. Anyway, I've got some shit to share, so let's get riiiiight into the news. First, I feel like Grunkle Stan, because: "After all these years...Finally, I have them all.
Fuck yeah, I finally got all of Metallica's first five on vinyl! They sound fucking great, and the covers look amazing too. I've got some figures to share, too. First, my Megumin came.
The detail is fucking immaculate. Love this one a lot. The day before it came, I got another in the mail too. A Sega figure, for 35 bucks, I just couldn't pass it up. Here's Yunyun.
Gotta admit, it scared me when the first thing to happen after taking her out of the box was her arm coming off. Turns out it was supposed to, so it's all good. And last but not least...
KONO DIO DA! My best friend bought me this one, and he's really fuckin cool, my first Nendoroid. Also, I don't know why it won't upload straight. Other than that, the A/N chapter, the reincarnation chapter, and the toads chapter have all hit 1k reads. We're also closing in on 10k reads overall, and I want to put out a special chapter for that as thanks. That's about it. I hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you in the next chapter.