36 Facebook Friend
It was later that afternoon that Nicky decided she had to come clean, after that group activity John Michael had initiated and now that she and Josh already had a peaceful closure, she too wanted to make closures and make peace with both Iggy and Red.
So that afternoon, she knew what she was about to do—gather all the strength and courage she could muster and talk to them. After what happened earlier, she felt like she was on a roll. But then, somehow, the thought of another confrontation scared her. It felt even more nerve-wracking than doing defense for a research paper in front of a panel and the whole class.
First stop—Iggy. There was no more graduation song rehearsals. The seniors just hanged in the room, waiting for the teachers to sign their clearances and the bell to ring for flag ceremony. She then walked towards where Iggy was seated, huddled by a group of boys. She tried to ignore them as she asked if she could talk to him in private. The boys jeered and looked at her meaningfully.
“So, what about, Nicky?” Iggy then asked her the moment they were alone. They were sitting on a cement bench under a young Molave tree. It didn’t help that it was in front of the school and a lot of students could see them, but it was the only place distant and quiet for them to talk.
“I just have to say it then,” Nicky exhaled.
Iggy looked at her expectantly.
“Do you know I was crushing on you since the first year?” She then said.
Iggy nodded. “I thought so, but then you didn’t write my name on that questionnaire. So—”
“You thought so? Since when?”
“I found it out this year, when Camille told me. But I never really know you’re crushing on me since the first year.”
“Well, yeah, I was,” Nicky then blurted, feeling a bit embarrassed and a little squeamish.
“I just kind of dismiss what Camille said when I asked you about it and you just seemed to deny it.”
“Right,” Nicky nodded at him, remembering their motorcycle ride to the market to buy that tablecloth the principal ordered her. “Well, you thought it was silly for me to be crushing on you so what am I supposed to do then, tell you I do have a crush on you? What difference does it make? You were still with Camille and I don’t want to get in between you two—and well, I couldn’t even.”
“Okay.” Iggy’s voice was low.
“Camille was right. I had a crush on you. It was a long-time crush I’ve been keeping all throughout high school until now.”
“And why tell it to me now?”
“I want a closure between us. And I want you to know the truth from me, and not from some rumors or from other people.”
“Closure? I don’t understand.” Iggy shifted his weight on the cement bench. Nicky caught the strain in his voice.
“I know, I’m making you uncomfortable right now. This isn’t easy for me, too. But please, just bear with me.”
“You still didn’t answer my question. Why are you telling this to me now?” He shot her a sidelong glance.
Nicky took in a sharp breath. “I could only keep it for so long. You have the right to know. You deserve that. I don’t want you to be done with high school wondering about me or that I had feelings for you. But I doubt that you would. Still, I have to come clean, now.” She paused and took in another breath. Then she turned and looked at him. “I did have feelings for you. I have liked you so much for almost the entire high school. And sometimes, I even thought you kind of felt that way about me, too. Maybe, I was just paranoid then. I was always reading the wrong signs, you know.”
Iggy was silent as he looked at her intently. “Do you still have feelings for me?” He then asked after a moment.
“Well, I don’t get crazy about you now. I don’t feel giddy about you anymore. And I’m talking to you now. Maybe, I can say, I’m no longer crushing on you.”
“And since when did you realize that?”
“It just happened. I just got tired of waiting for something to happen that couldn’t really happen and just never happened at all. You just don’t feel that way about me. It took me more than three years to fully accept that. And then came that duet. And Red.”
“Red? So you do really like him now?”
“Maybe I do. But that’s not the point. Him is another matter. Look, Ynigo, I don’t want it to be weird between us. So I just have to do this and make a closure.”
“A closure, that’s funny. You just ended something that had never even begun.” That was the first time Nicky heard Iggy’s raised voice. It completely took her by surprise.
“You’re right,” Nicky replied as she bent her head down. “You’re right,” she repeated. “There’s nothing between us after all. But I just have to be honest with you now, especially now that high school’s almost over.”
“And you’re already over me,” Iggy’s voice was sounding more and more bitter. Then, he suddenly turned to her, sighed and said, “How can we never meet? It’s just all a bad timing, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“This isn’t fair. You know it could have been better if you didn’t tell me this. It could have been a lot easier to just let it pass, let it go and move on. And it could have saved us a lot of trouble and pain for that matter.”
“What?” Nicky looked up and met his eyes.
“You’re right. I never felt that way about you. Actually, I didn’t want to feel that way about you.” Iggy suddenly averted his eyes from her and looked ahead. “But well, there were instances I thought about you, Nicky. And more instances I hated myself for thinking too much about you. There were moments when I just found myself checking your Facebook page more than often it kind of even freaked me out. What’s more freaky is that I wanted to add you as my friend, but I just couldn’t. I waited for you to add me up, though. And well, you didn’t.”
Iggy shook his head. He sighed and then went on, “I couldn’t be feeling that way about you, so I thought maybe I just kind of hate you and find you all annoying that’s why you keep popping in my mind. But why am I checking your Facebook page often—that I wouldn’t really want to explain to myself. I don’t want to admit that I find you somehow attractive and interesting. I can’t be crushing on you. Until our fourth year. That day you stood up against Priscilla. I asked myself why is it not okay to be crushing on you? You’re amazing. You really are. And I can’t stop thinking about you since then.”
It was Nicky who was silent this time as he looked at him—those eyes she thought she could always fall for.
“Maybe I deserve this,” Iggy sighed again. “This is what I get from getting a bit chicken to get with you. It’s too late for us to ever happen, right?”
Nicky bent her head down again. It was a moment before she replied. “Well, maybe we’re not just meant to be together.” Her voice was caught in her throat.
“I could have been your duet partner and we could have been together, Nicky. I had my chance with you and I just blew it.”
“Don’t say that,” Nicky’s voice was a whisper, still caught in her throat. She felt her eyes moistened. Her chest was heavy and suddenly, her breathing was slow.
“Can we then be at least friends?” Iggy then asked. His voice was also all of a sudden choked up.
Nicky shook her head slowly, afraid that if she’d speak, she might just suddenly burst into sobs.
“Why not?” Iggy’s voice was hoarse and sharp.
It was a long moment before Nicky could calm herself down and prevent herself from crying. “It’s too late for that now,” she then said. “High school’s almost over. It would be a long time for us to see each other again. College comes and we’re gonna go separate ways.”
Iggy nodded. “That kinda sucks, you know.”
Nicky looked at him sideways. “But I had always wanted to be friends with you since the freshman year.”
Iggy returned her look and smiled at her. Nicky noted the sad smile curving his lips. “Well, can I at least add you as a friend in Facebook, then?” He then asked.
Nicky smiled back at him. “I was actually hoping you'd say that,” she replied, wishing her voice didn’t sound that gloomy.
Iggy nodded. He was sniffing as he looked away from her, pinching his nose. It was a moment before he breathed out and said something. “So, you’re gonna be attending college at UP Diliman?
“I’m looking forward to it,” Nicky was relieved at the change of topic. “I just really have to convince mama I’ll be fine at UP. What about you? You’ll be at UP Cebu?
Iggy shook his head. “I’ll be at Silliman University.”
“Lois will be taking up Nursing there,” she tried to lighten up her voice. “June will be taking up Accountancy there, too. You’ll be taking up Civil Engineering, right?”
“I still haven’t made up my mind. My mom wants me to take up Management.”
“If you’d take up Management, you and June might be in the same college, then.”
Iggy merely nodded, pinching his nose again.