Going to bed with Sirius is delightful.
He turns his back to Remus and pulls Remus' arm around him, and falls asleep so easily and promptly that Remus almost calls his name to see if he's not pretending.
It's a bit awkward at first, like when Sirius' hair ends up too close to Remus' nose, and he can't even remove his hand to scratch it because Sirius has it tucked under his arm. But Sirius' warmth, and the innocent touch of his back against Remus' chest is the loveliest thing Remus has felt in a long time.
Still, Remus is wide awake. It's a new development, this struggle to find sleep, this feeling of minutes and hours all blurring together and the very awareness of time passing being what keeps him awake.
He closes his eyes and presses his chin on Sirius' shoulder, hoping it would bring him some ease. It doesn't. His back is starting to hurt, that familiar dull ache spreading through his muscles. It's the type of pain you can't tell comes from where, the kind that hits you in waves all at once.
This weekend, Remus will have to transform again.
And he really, really doesn't want to.
Feeling sweaty and in need of cool air, he gently removes his arm from Sirius, who, blissfully sedated by the Potions he still has to take, doesn't even stir.
Remus adjusts the blankets over him before quietly making his way out of the room. He enters the balcony, where just over an hour ago he was with Sirius.
And for the second time, he catches himself surprised at the sight of someone standing there.
It's his father.
"Uh, dad?" Remus calls, popping his head out of the door. "You okay?"
Lyall turns around to face him, brow raised in surprise. "Remus," he smiles a little, "You almost gave me a heart attack,"
"Only almost," Remus gives him a plastic smile in response.
"Only almost," Lyall smiles at him.
Remus stands there for a moment, not sure if he should leave or stay. But then he catches sight of the moon and it makes him pause. His father takes this as a sign that he doesn't want to leave.
"You, uhm..."
Watching his father grapple for words like a lost child is both disappointing yet, in an odd way, satisfying, too. Remus leans back against the doorframe, waiting.
"You can't sleep?" Lyall eventually asks.
Remus shrugs. Thinking that it's rude not reply, he then speaks up. "Back hurts," he mumbles.
"Your transformation is near," Lyall says, his tone careful.
Thanks, I really needed to be reminded, Remus wants to say. "Yeah," he replies instead, shrugging once more.
"I, uhm," Lyall clears his throat, "How will you..."
"Wolfsbane," Remus replies, and he surprises himself with how cold he sounds. "I can afford it now."
Lyall looks away, nodding.
"I'm gonna go—" Remus straightens himself. He's mid-turn when Lyall stop him.
"Remus,"
It's the most urgent Remus has ever heard him. Well, ever since that night he got bitten by a werewolf and his father was calling his name, but Remus ended up passing out almost immediately so it's not like he can remember too well.
"Yes, dad?"
"I..." Lyall ventures a step closer and, if Remus is being honest, it makes him feel sorry for his father, how unsure he looks talking to his own son. "I'm sorry, son," he eventually chokes out.
Remus blinks. He wants to say something, but he's not sure what he can.
"I know it's not enough, but I... I wanted to apologize," Lyall says. Suddenly, he looks so much older in Remus' eyes.
"Dad," Remus says. He's not ready for this conversation.
He probably won't ever be.
"No, I... I wasn't a good father to you,"
He's wrong. He wasn't a father to Remus at all. But Remus stays quiet. The sooner this conversation is done with, the sooner he can go back to Sirius. And as heartless as that may make Remus seem, he's tired and his back is hurting and all he wants is to fall asleep.
"It's fine," he eventually says when Lyall doesn't continue. "I'm... It's in the past,"
"It's not fine, son," Lyall says, "I know it's not. I've missed out on everything in your life, and—"
"Well, I can't go back in time and be a better son to you, dad," Remus snaps, "If I could, the first thing I'd do is not turn into a monster."
Ever since he was a child, Remus has hated raising his voice. It's not the act in itself that's uncomfortable, but the heavy silence left in the wake of harsh words. He swallows, suddenly regretting everything he's just said.
"I'm sorry," he says softly, fists curling at his sides. "I didn't mean to... I'm sorry, dad."
Lyall shakes his head. "You're not a monster," he says, voice wavering. Remus looks up.
"Werewolves are not monsters?" He almost laughs at the absurdity. "That's not what you told the Prophet all those years ago,"
Lyall looks pained. "I was wrong, Remus. I was so wrong. And I'm so sorry,"
Remus doesn't want his sorry. It's twelve years too late for that. He clenches his fists tighter, trying to fight his tears back.
"None of it was your fault," Lyall says. "You've always been the best son I could've asked for,"
"Then why did you always act like you were ashamed of me?" Remus whispers.
Lyall looks startled. "Is that what you think?" He asks. "That I'm ashamed of you?"
Remus bites his lip because he's afraid he's going to cry. Who wouldn't be ashamed to have a monster for a son?
"I was ashamed," Lyall says, and it sends a dagger through Remus' heart. "But not of you, Remus. I was ashamed of myself, for letting you get hurt. Every time I saw your face, I could only think of how I'd ruined your life,"
"My life is not ruined," Remus replies.
"I know that now," Lyall smiles. Somehow, Remus thinks he looks sadder that way. "It took me a long time to realize that, and I wish I could've seen it sooner. You've come so far, and I'm so proud of you, Remus."
Remus feels his vision blur. He's never heard those words before. And he's not entirely sure if he deserves to. Twenty-two years old and he's living rent-free at someone else's place and dusting bookshelves for a living. And even that's because a pair of brothers and a century-old woman took pity on him.
"Don't cry, Remus," Lyall says softly. Remus wipes at his cheeks, only now realizing it.
"If you feel sorry for me, you don't have to," Remus says shakily. "I'm fine. Everything's fine, I just... You don't have to do this."
"You're my son," Lyall repeats. "I want to do this," he says. "I care about you, you know that."
"No," Remus laughs breathlessly. He wipes his face once more, feeling the thick ridges of his scars under the back of his hand. "I don't know that, dad. You've hardly given me reason to believe that."
Lyall sighs. "Remus," he says slowly, like he's trying to get a five-year-old to stop throwing a tantrum. "I know I've failed you in a lot of ways," he says carefully, "But if you're willing to... I'd really like to work things out with you, son. I've missed out on a lot, and I've decided it's enough." He frowns before quickly adding, "That is, if you want to. If you think I deserve it."
Remus shoves his hands in his pockets. What is he supposed to say?
"Okay," he mutters eventually. Lyall looks surprised. "Really?" He asks, looking mildly—and justifiably—dubious. Remus shrugs. "Not like I have anything to lose," he says dryly.
Lyall either doesn't catch his tone, or isn't fazed by it. "Thank you," he smiles. Remus shrugs again. "Sure, dad," he mumbles. "I'm gonna go back to bed, now," he says.
"Wait, Remus," Lyall stops him. Again. Remus has to hold back a groan. Couldn't Lyall choose to have a heartfelt talk on some other day than one on the verge of a full moon?
"Can I give you a hug?"
Remus chokes on his own breath. Lyall gave him a hug in the morning, but that's probably because he was thinking that Remus was dead, or something. If not for that, it's got to be at least a decade since his father hugged him. "Uh," he stammers, "sure, dad."
An awkward and fortunately very short-lived embrace later, Remus finally gets to leave. He practically runs inside Sirius' room.
Sirius is still asleep. He's all curled up under the blankets, knees against his stomach. It makes Remus smile. He wipes his face again, just in case, and climbs into bed behind Sirius. Ignoring the pain in his back, he then wraps and arm around Sirius, pressing his face into Sirius' shoulder. He feels Sirius stir.
Exhausted both physically and otherwise, Remus finds himself falling asleep almost immediately. And just before his eyes fall shut, he feels Sirius take his hand, and press a small kiss on its back.
***
Author's Note
It's not the fact that I don't have time to write, it's that I wrote this like 293949 times and still am not happy with it :(