"I would tell you that I love you if I thought that you would stay but I know that it's no use, you've already gone away. Misjudged your limits, pushed you too far, took you for granted. I thought that you needed me more, more, more."
SIRIUS BLACK
Entering the common room, the warmth of the ever-burning fire breaks through the bitter chill of my body. James and the others decided to stay at the Hog's Head, where they are sure to do nothing but cause a ruckus and drink. I'm usually all for these days, the days we spend together. It's just not the same when two of the four marauders decide they don't want to come.
I unwrap my scarf from my neck and drape it over the side of the couch, along with my grey jacket that's still coated with half-melted snowflakes. With an exhausted sigh, I slump onto the comfortable sofa.
When I hear footsteps descending from the boys dormitory stairs I sit up a bit straighter. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding when I see Peter and his pointed ears at the send of the steps.
"Hey mate," I greet.
"Hey—" Peter yawns, "Where's everyone else?"
"Drinking I reckon," I raise a brow as I look at Pete's disheveled figure. "Tired?"
He nods as he rubs sleep from his eyes, "Just woke up from a nap. Feeling a bit hungry to be honest," His face lights up, "Wanna sneak into the kitchens with me?"
I let out a dry chuckle, "Sorry, i'm not up for all that right now, Pete. I came back to get some shut eye too,"
Peter scoffs, "Good luck with that, Moony's been whining in his sleep for the past hour. I couldn't take it anymore,"
And you didn't help him?
"Oh." I mutter.
I think I can hear Peter speaking to me, but his voice sounds millions of miles away.
I bite my nail, what the hell could be causing his nightmares again?
"Sirius?" Peter asks as he steps closer and waves his hand in front of my face.
"Huh? What?"
He stares into my eyes for a moment before looking to the floor, "Are you and Hawthrop... well, yanno,"
I look at him confused. "You're just gonna have to be straight with me, Wormtail. My minds a bit occupied at the moment,"
"Are you and Iris shagging or not?" He snaps. Pete's chest rises and falls rapidly with his uneven breathing.
I almost laugh at this transparent attempt at bravado. Since when has Pete had a temper?
"Yes...we are?" I trail off, still unsure about the point of this conversation.
Peter laughs under his breath while shaking his head lightly. "I think i'm gonna go to the kitchens now," He slides on his brown loafers that he always leaves near the portrait hole. Peter looks at me over his shoulder before he exits the common room, "I've never wanted anything Padfoot."
I don't dwell on what he said after i'm left alone.
By the time the portrait hole is swinging shut i'm halfway up the dormitory stairs.
All of the lights are switched off and the room is silent when I open the door. Taking a step in and shutting the door behind me, I immediately look to Remus. A habit that can never be broken, no matter the situation.
I walk towards his bed as quietly as possible and observe. I'm well aware standing over someone's bed and watching them sleep is... unsettling to say the least, but I need to make sure he's alright, always.
Remus' brows furrow a bit and he lets out a low pitched whine.
I started noticing his nightmares in third year and since then, i've been the one to help ease him back to sleep when he wakes up. He hasn't had them often now that Cordelia has started coming around, a fact that breaks me if I think about it too hard.
"No," Remus whispers in a dejected voice.
I squat next to the bed so I can be at face level with him. "Shh, Moony, s'okay."
The troubled expression on his marvelous face doesn't falter. "Has to run," He murmurs.
"It's just a bad dream, my love." I reach my hand out and place it on his warm cheek.
Silently loving someone is the worst punishment that I could ever inflict upon myself. I waste away broken and damned while I watch him learn to love someone else. It's too late to take back everything I've said and done. I convinced myself for years Remus would put up with me forever, always taking him for granted, and I've finally pushed him too far.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
A tear rolls down my cheek. I pull away from Remus. Wipe it. Let out a sigh. "I want to love you better." I croak quietly. "And eventually, when our time is right, I will."
The things I would do to hear him tell me he loves me again.
"I hurt her," Remus breathes out shakily as something peeking out from under his bed catches my attention. Cordelia's homework paper to be exact, done completely in his handwriting. Along with the paper I pull out a white button up, woman's size medium.
I rise to my feet. Place a lingering kiss onto his cheek. Pull the blankets up over his shoulders. "Please stop Remus, It's just a nightmare."
Don't linger where you aren't wanted, Sirius.
My mother taught me well. But as I look down at Remus in such a fragile state, I wonder if this is where I'm needed.
So I stay.
☽☽☽
I let out a huff of air in boredom, why must this woman always be late?
I walk to the opposite side of the discarded, neglected classroom and look out the window at the black lake. More specifically what lies beyond the lake. The moon shines over the rigid forbidden forrest that stretches for miles and miles. A death-like mist creeps out through the trees enveloping them in a thick fog.
Something in my stomach churns as i'm swept with an ominous feeling of déjà vu.
I think about it often, the night Fenrir attacked Cordelia. How there are holes in the story no one else seems to be concerned with. I can't decide if I should leave this untouched. See, I have this horrible, terrible thought that's been growing in the back of my head and it's getting bigger.
What if this thought is only in my mind and far from the truth? For everyone's sake I hope that's the case. I hope that this thought is just another form of me being selfish and bitter. I hope that this thought is some demented type of wishful thinking. A way to ruin things for others but fix things for me.
Because from this, he will never recover.
"Hello?" A soft voice beckons. I turn and see Iris in her royal blue nightgown, blonde hair cascading down her shoulders. For a second I completely forget what was even plaguing my mind.
I sit on the windowsill and take out my cigarette pack. "You're late," I mutter as I place one between my lips.
Iris walks over to me fluidly—a result of mandatory ballroom dancing lessons I presume—and I can't help but watch in amusement. She tries so hard to hide her slytherin ties but any pure-blood could spot them from a mile away. "Cordelia took ages to fall asleep," She sits next to me and takes my cigarette. "I feel horrible she doesn't know about this,"
I watch as she puffs away aggressively, "That was your request. You could always tell her,"
"I'm going to tomorrow." She says through an exhale of smoke. Iris takes another puff before putting it out on the bottom of her slipper. "I still don't have a date to the ball you know..."
"Me neither." I state dryly, "We could easily get dates though, i'd like to think we're an attractive duo."
Iris lets out a belly laugh. "You can't be that dense," she says through chuckles.
I can't help but smile too, her's is contagious. "What?"
"Ask me, idiot!"
"Oh! Good idea," I grab Iris' hand and stare into her eyes. "Iris middle-name Hawthrop, will you be my date to the Yule ball?"
She gasps dramatically, "It would be my honour Sirius middle-name Black,"
I wonder if Remus will be jealous?
"I wonder if Amos will be jealous?" Iris ponders out loud.
We both chuckle for a second before it falls quiet again.
"Iris?" I ask as I feel her head rest on my shoulder.
"Yes?" She responds as she fiddles with the ringers on my fingers.
"Can we just...talk tonight...I don't think I can—"
"We can talk,"
"Really?" I ask, my tone filled with more surprise than I meant to express. I look at my feet in slight embarrassment.
"You're good for more than just sex, Sirius." Iris sits up and places a hand on my cheek. Turns me to face her. "You know that, don't you?"
My heart pounds inside of my chest. Do I know that?
"I like you." I breathe out as my eyes scan over her face.
She rolls her eyes, "You hardly know me,"
It's true, and I find it so odd that you can know people your entire life, yet never know them. I feel like i've missed out on a lifetime of memories with this stranger.
Is that how Remus feels about Cordelia?
I tuck a strand of golden hair behind her ear. "I want to, though."
Iris smiles and removes her hand from my cheek. "What do we call this? Friends? Friends with benefits?" She asks.
"A way to ease the pain?" I mutter sarcastically.
"A way to ease the pain," She says back. Our faces drawing to each other's like magnets. "I want to kiss you," Iris whispers as her eyes look from mine to my mouth. I lean in but she pulls away before our lips can connect. "But I won't, because if I kiss you, I don't know if i'll be able to stop. And you make it really hard to be respectful when you look at me like that. So talk,"
I think I could love her, eventually. Or something along those lines.
"What's your middle name?" I ask.
Iris squeals and buries her face into her hands. "It's bad."
"Not worse than mine," I smirk.
"Oh? You want to bet?" She crosses her arms.
"I do actually, on three we'll both say them. Whoever's we decide is worse, gets fifteen galleons," I place my hand out.
She shakes it. "You're on mate,"
"One. Two. Three."
"Myrtle!"
"Orion!"
We both cringe as we hear the others middle name. I pat her on the head, "I'll pay up tomorrow,"
"Wha-what!?" Iris splutters as she shivers. "Your middle name is literally Onion!"
I let out a barking laugh as I shrug out of my leather jacket and place it over her shoulders, "Call it even?"
"Yeah, whatever."
Song: Boys don't cry by the cure (linked at top)
What'd you think? Any predictions? Questions?
A/N: Next chapter is going to be the Yule ball from Cordelia's perspective. After that i'm excited to start writing what i'll refer to as ' vacation chapters' these take place on their holiday break. The reason i'm telling you this is because these chapters will all most likely include smut, so be aware of the warnings, these chapters will be clearly marked. However these chapters will also include a lot of relationship building for Remus and Cordelia (and possibly the start of Sirius' redemption arc?).
Also I just re-published the aesthetics chapter with new ones so check that out!
Thanks for reading besties <3