"Agh!" I feel my back scrape the wall after fighting them off as long as possible, my lip broken from their first punch in, and I see some sort of fvcking string of cans rattle in one of the men's dirty grubby as$ hands. Don't they ever wash? "What's that for." I glare before swallowing.
"You're like a dog." One drug befuddled voice coughs out. Ugh. "Stray animal that carries the disease and infects everyone else. In the old days, things like you...we shot em. But not before we collared them, b1tch." The three walk closer to corner me, their intentions to treat me like a wild animal frightening as the unknown in dark and my hands are shaking, trembling and in need of my saber, but I'm out here alone, and no matter how many times I got hits in, they seemed to be immune to it.
I'm tired, but I didn't know I was that tired. I'm still unstable.
Fvck!
"Listen up as$holes, I'm not the one who did this! It was my father! I never had a choice in this! You think I wanted this?!" I stare at the ground, scoffing some air. "I di-"
"Stop lyin' you little cunt fvcker, we know this story. Blood sack of sh1t!" I wince when the tallest starts kicking snow at me, like I'm a stray mutt, but instead of running off or wincing, my response is kicking some back, until I feel a rock impact with my leg at a close distance, the size smaller than my fist but near to it that it momentarily cripples me, my neck immediately restrained when I hear the clatter of empty soup cans attached to a raggedy string fasten around my neck, as if it were meant for a dogs tail.
"No!!"
Ow.
I'm panicking so much, afraid they'll fvcking choke me, my nails are scratching my skin...it's not even fvcking working!
"Come into our hospital and take what's ours?!" The man uses the end of his little collar and yanks at it to dangle my head, my fear of having my throat cut open forcing me to scratch harder to take it off. "Like you haven't taken enough already!? Gray haired freak! You rabid as$ motherfvcker!!" The man swears while I struggle to loosen the thin line, feeling them kick me forward next. "Crawl you fvcker!"
"Like the dog b1tch you are! Crawl!" Another rock hits my back, then my hand.
Oh gosh...
I can't feel my fingers...If I did I'd have felt that sh1t hit me...but I didn't. Unless I did and I don't know it.
I'm cold and weak, and in pain.
This pain...
I'm pathetic right now, a shell of what I should be, and I can't do anything about it. I can't move like I want to, I can't comprehend what they're doing to me, even though the why is as plain as day.
Why does it have to be this way though?
Why?!
"Ahhwwooooo!!" One of those fvcks mocks me, kicking more snow my way while I search for a rock of my own. "Yelp for me! Squeal you little hot as$ vag!"
Those men that I feel hate for continue chuckling, ridiculing me for what I can't help, and I'm starting to think I shouldn't want to, and with as much accuracy as my numb hands can manage, I do turn around and knock the forehead of a man in the middle with everything I have, cans clanking as I struggle, only to be glared at, surprise on their faces that I managed to do anything let alone make that as$holes forehead a target.
Tch. I'm not going to win am I? I need my saber. I need the strength robbed from me! I need something! Anything!
But I won't get it.
My feet work on instinct, and I try to run the fvck away, but a giant weight landslides on me, his legs parted and sitting on my back while he furiously grabs my head, screams leaving my lips just prior to him shoving my face smack dap and painful into the snow with all his might that I can't breathe or handle the abuse properly.
And then I feel it.
Something warm soaking the side of my cheek, my neck, my hair, and...
What is it? What is that?
Why am I screaming? Oh gosh, something burning.
Why is he holding the ear ring that Carl gave me?
What...
Is...Is my ear- Is my ear fvcking bleeding?!
Did...Did he...
What the fvck did he do?!
"AH-" I feel my face turn hot from the burn of my flesh ripped apart, blood generous in its appearance afterwards that it scares me to see this much.
"You fvckin' her?!" The other asks because of my uncontrolled voice and breathing, my hands trying to clutch my ear properly but they're too numb to do anything right.
"I ripped this motherfvcker out!" He turns back to the other two, slowly walking over to me, my hateful glare on them while my body lies completely exhausted at their feet.
Sh1t! Fvck!
Fvck.
I'm really tired, and I can't even manage to scream yet it hurts like crazy!
Fighting beforehand, being tossed around till it's a hard thing to stand in this snow, and now thi! Its unbelievable how badly a ripped ear lobe hurts, but they don't care. I'm the one who has to feel it...and it's excruciating.
"Hit me in the face b1tch?" The one I knocked down looks me over, scoffing a second before unbuttoning his pants, reaching down and using his boot to turn me on my stomach before I hear the sound of the other two undoing their zippers, my strength left directed to trying to get away, but after a foot presses down on my wrist, I hear one start to speak.
"This is what you deserve you little fvcker."
"What the heIl?!" One of my eyes shut to keep the snow out as I glare back up at them, tight jawed and desperate.
They're sick...these people, they're crazy.
A moaning, disgusting chuckles and swears are being passed above me, and I'm trying to block out the images, all the fvcked up images of them tugging themselves while standing so close, hovering, only to hear them shout out a repulsive sound while I fight their restraining shoes on me best I can, and shake with the experience of my eyes glossing at the knowledge that they're purposely coming on me, like I was nothing, like I was sh1t, and they release everything on me, that I clench my teeth and try to keep from sobbing out of untamed anger when they decide to urinate on me, my clothes dirty and my hand shaking from something so great I can't describe it to myself.
I can't make myself understand.
I don't know how to do this.
I don't know what to do.
What do I do when I'm a monster in their eyes, and a victim in my own?
"I'm empty." One groans satisfied, a laugh next while the other 2 continue releasing their filth on me. "You were pretty good for a fvcking dog." His boot pokes my head over and over like he's trying to get me to respond...as if I were a broken toy or a dead animal. "I'll go get the gasoline man." I hear a pat and sniff between them, my heart beat rising and eyes opened larger at the realization that they didn't just intend to humiliate and torture me...They want to fvcking kill me.
They want to kill me?! Them too?
Oh gosh...ha. How in the world did I not see that coming?!
It's not that I'm important to anyone, I'm just the host that they concentrate their hatred towards, and that means I'm going to die.
I'm going to die.
"What the fuc-" A loud and large crack of a shot being fired interrupts the question I barely caught, and it takes me off guard, barely jolting me when a body of heavy weight that just walked off a second ago plummets next to my numb face, eyes large enough to fall out and a skull nearly broken in half from the way the bullet went through, the other 2 beginning to walk and attack when another shot is fired, and the last one standing turning his tactic of confrontation around when a plea and cry is set out, only to have another shot go off, the last one, and I wait to hear the body softly collide with the snow, a moment my mind begins to sway, the next thing I register is a voice.
Ricks voice.
"Carl!"
"What the fvck!?" Paul's voice. "Hey! Hey, hey! Everybody back inside! You! Kid! Give me the-"
I hear a click of a weapon...Carl readying his gun to use again, and it leaves everyone dead silent when he does so.
What's he doing? I can't see.
What's happening, I don't even know. I feel like this snow is numbing my brain as well as my head. I don't know anything right now. I don't know what to do. Is there anything to do?
The physical feelings, and mental feelings, seem as if they're matching up, but falling apart, twisting my insides to the point I don't pay much attention to the conversation going on behind me somewhere, and I wish I could pull away from the corpse looking at me, my body feeling like it may break down any second, when I hear a shoe crunch snow beside my head, and feel a heavy cloth dropped on my back prior to gently being turned over, only to feel my heart break when I see Carl looking down at me, his blue eyes, so unbelievably flooded with tears, if I didn't know any better, I'd think that's where oceans come from.
This is the moment isn't it? The realization moment, where I know, no matter what, the question, "when will it all stop?" is a trick question, because it'll never stop.
It won't stop for anything! It never will! This is the bargain I made, and I have to let go of things to hack it out here, is that it?!
My purpose, my first intention, has always been to cure this world, for multiple reasons, and it's meant to defy my stupid ideals and beliefs from before I left home, to make it happen.
I'm...not going to be able to look at the sky for a long time...am I?
"I'm ok." I hurry to calm him down, but he just shakes his head before putting his forehead on his palm and verbally breaking the silence with his twisted and tightly secured face, damp lashes tangled close and mouth open to cry, dragging his hands through his hair while I bite my lip to keep quiet.
Nobodies saying anything, because there's nothing to say. Nothing they could say, but it's enough that Carl and I don't need any of them to speak.
-Carl's P.O.V.-
I don't know if I'm shaking because I'm mad, or because I'm experiencing a sadness I never thought I'd be reaching.
Seeing what I did, seeing what I see, everything, how she still says it's ok...when she knows it's not. I feel like my world is breaking, and I just want to take her far away, so it'll just be us, so she'll never feel anything besides love from me ever again, and I notice anyone staring or whispering whatever it is they do when I carry Spes inside the building, determined to lock us both in till we leave, till we even consider interacting with another human, and definitely until I make sure these 3 men burn the way they were going to burn Spes.
Carol tried to ask me what was going on when I was going up the stairs, Spes in my arms, bridal style, while I glared at everyone in my way, lifting my feet and gliding into our room to clean my abused lover from all the sh1t she just went through, locking us inside and everyone out like I determined I would, but I didn't answer. I didn't bother to talk to anyone.
Maggie was so close to saying she'll take care of her, but I'm through with allowing anyone other than me to take care of Spes.
When she's healthy, I'm the only one there to challenge her, when she's down, I'm the only one who takes away the bratty-ness of it and gets to the root of her sorrows, and when she's like this, I want to be the one to heal her with how badly I love her.
I can touch her in the softest way, tell her about anything if I want to...I get to do that, and for the first time since I've met her, I'm really scared that I'm already taking that for granted, giving up the chances to touch or talk to her, and it might be too late one day to let myself fall into how much I want to stay close to her.
The biggest fear I have now, is not being with her.
The nightmare of mine, her, dead and saying goodbye, coming true, in a future that will soon have an entire way of existence between us, parting us, and it's already lurking, starting to jump at us, by people doing things like this, hurting her, trying to kill her.
I killed 3 men today.
3, without a second thought, without wondering if it was the right thing to do, I already knew, it's what I felt needed to be done.
It's what I'm more than willing to do.
"Carl?! Open the door! We just want to help!" Maggie waits outside, but I keep quiet, approach the bed and lay Spes down on the mattress, waiting to see her face a second before walking over to the dresser the room came with, pushing it to go in front of the door, closing us together as much as possible, and I put my gun on top of the surface when I hear a frustrated and disgusted sound come from the bed.
"Dammit." Spes is already sitting up, trying to take off the hoody that's dirty.
"Spes." I hurry over, really getting a good look at her while she stares at her wrist because she's still shaking, not steady yet for any reason.
Her face is red, eyes teary, her ear...That's where the blood came from?
Where's her ear ring?
"Let me see." I don't wait for her to pause, I'm kneeling on the bed, holding her steady while she shuts her eyes and frowns, lobe still flowing with rose red, and I don't even want to know what it looks like clean.
He ripped her ear ring out.
What...What all did they do to her?
I was in here, trying to figure out what to do about Jesse, whether or not to tell dad, which I don't care about right now, and it took me a few more minutes to get back outside, whistling when I expected to see her around, ready to attempt beating me at a snow fight that I didn't anticipate I'd look forward to, when I heard something, and followed new footprints in the snow, only to turn a corner and see Spes on the ground struggling with 3 men over her, ejaculating and urinating on her like she was...nothing.
Like she was nothing...
And what the fvck is this?! What'd they put on her neck?!
"Stay still." I pull out my dagger, tugging at the string of cans fastened around her throat, and I lose my breath when I see dark scratches on her skin, like she was trying to get out of this...
I don't know what to say.
I only know what I feel and there aren't words to help me get them out.
"Don't stop me." I whisper, putting my dagger on the ground, sliding off the hoody that I'm going to toss out the damm window, I blink my eyes several times to keep from breaking down again while I begin to undress her.
"I can-" She begins to resist me stripping her down, but I grip her shoulders and tug her close so she won't see my face when I beg her to just stop talking. "Carl?"
She sounds so weak. So disoriented.
"I need to see what all they did." I clench my jaw, slowly inhaling to continue pulling her shirt off, and my hands jolt away when she winces from an ache. Dammit.
I'm not eager to continue this. I'm not eager for any of this! I just want this to be a bad dream! I want to wake up and see Spes completely healed and smiling but it's not happening! I'm still here, listening to the rain outside lightly increase with a pain in my throat and body that feels like a spin off of Spes' pain, the connection between us taking all the toll it can, and it's suffocating!
"Sorry." I scan the bedspread, leaning forward to awkwardly reach back for her bra hooks, when I don't feel anything and find a single one in the front in between her breasts, my body tense from so many different things that it takes me a few tries to undo it, and after a few more movements, I finally drop her last piece of clothing to the floor, looking her limbs and skin over, scanning as the setting orange sunlight streams into the room, Spes still remaining silent.
"I'll get you some new clothes." I grab everything I dumped on the carpet, licking my lower lip from it's dry state to silently walk over to the window, a frown on my face when I see the stains on her material from those 3 I didn't waste a second to aim at, my mind set on nothing but protecting Spes, in the only way that was acceptable.
"Carl." I hear my dad outside the door, his voice calm and understanding for the situation, but no matter what, I'm not ready to even consider moving that dresser.
I'm fine with it this way.
This is probably how it should be.
I won't let anyone touch Spes again, if I can help it.
As soon as we open that door, when Spes is feeling 100 percent and not before, we're leaving, with or without the group, we're getting the heIl out of here and accomplishing everything Spes wants, so we can be together without all this bullsh1t.
"There's some food out here for you. In case you're hungry." He sounds tired. "When you're ready, we'll be here."
I slam the window shut, keep my back to the front of the room until I calm down enough to finally focus everything on Spes, her naked curves bruised on her lower right hip while her pinky and ring finger, also on her right, look like they've been bruised too, and another impact of her skin being stoned on her mid back, but I think the damage that has me most shaken is her ear.
"All this just to get babied." She sighs and smiles at me, but I don't accept her joke and drag the bowl of water on my nightstand closer, dipping the cloth given with it, then squeezing half the somewhat cool liquid out so I can start to give her a sponge bath, beginning with her face, watching her watch me before she shuts her eyes in appreciation to my palm close to her.
She looks like she wants to cry.
"Does it hurt- that bad?" I croak, trying to keep my tone strong but it's failing, pretty miserably, and I know I'm going to break down by how strong this crying fit is trying to move into me.
"It hurts." I watch the sun capture the floods in her eyes that aren't falling, but only pooling. "This hurts so much." Spes' hand slowly taps the skin over her heart twice, and I literally feel like I'm suffocating by how steadily I'm breathing to try and keep a straight face from breaking, but it's not working.
It's not.
"I'm sorry." I cry, resting my head on her chest while she covers her eyes to clench her teeth, refusing to let the emotions spill over while I on the flip side break down like a child.
She's so soft, so beautiful, and damaged. Assaulted and in an endless pain.
I hate him.
I hate her father so much.
-Spes' P.O.V.-
"This is the last straw with this place." I shift to confirm it, feeling Carl's cheek slide off my chest in a hurry to rest his body close to mine before nodding with absolution to my statement, kissing me a moment so I can have it sealed with his lips a second in time before a heated blush goes over me when he continues to wipe the chilly cloth agianst my skin, but no matter how much I try to resist it, before I can even help it, the thoughts I have leak out from my eyes, prompting Carl to halt and watch me.
"Sp-"
"It's almost like a dream I'm in..." I pause. "Fighting best it can to stray the nightmare, but no matter how much I hope that it'll all stay an easy trail, the way I wanted it, it never stays that way." I swallow and try to clench my teeth to stop but it's useless that I hurry to cover my face to keep this painful expression to myself. "It's...no good to cry!" I lecture myself. "But..." I raise my hands above my head, lashes wet, sun bright and Carl by my side, listening. "But no matter how much I thought I'd have to endure, no matter how many times something got in my way...I was happy."
I was.
I'm still happy.
But maybe I'm not supposed to be.
You're a monster too.
Is this the other half of happiness, that I have no choice but to accept?
Why am I crying? Not because of the oncoming bruises or the rip in my ear that won't heal for who knows how long, but because, it's finally come to light.
Everything came in waves, so I dealt with the hardship in waves, jumping from good to bad, good to bad, good to bad, getting whiplash by doing so, realizing that, this way of life, is something I couldn't handle because my mindset wasn't preparing for it nor willing to acknowledge or accept it. Especially when I was slapped in the face with the possibility that this way of going through this journey would separate me from Carl.
Me in particular, everything from day one after leaving home...I think it's finally caught up to me, bringing a new level of disgust for my being to top it all off.
"I want to cry." I scoff. "But I don't." I stare at Carl before he puts the bowl back on the nightstand, the cloth too, and shifts to lay down beside me, the mattress moving only a bit, and he drags himself up, pushing his back against the headboard, pale hands sliding down my ribs towards my back, that I have no choice but to give in and rest against Carl's lean body while I blush at the thought of him comforting me while I'm like this, bare and just...in one of my most sincere and pathetic states.
I'd feel embarrassed, but I'm too preoccupied with being confused and shocked or rather knowledgeable and tired to care at this point.
"Cry all you can." His deep voice has calmed down considerably, and I swallow before turning to look up at him. "Cry now, so that later, you won't."
Ha.
He's telling me a way to go along with my plans, and as if my eyes think for themselves, my nonchalant inner voice losing the battle to keep calm and collected, my catty eyes go ahead and stream clear lines of sorrow while he begins to kiss my fingers, shutting his eyes and opening them slowly, sunlight capturing his brown hair just right, that I feel like I'm looking at a prince again, the situation we've come to, one of the most beautiful settings I've come across, because I'm not alone, and with my lover that I determine myself not to lose.
I won't lose him. Him or me.
I may not be able to look at the sky for a long time, but that's fine, because I promise myself right now: I won't forget it's there, and I won't let myself lose it. I'll look up again, and when I do, I'll make sure Carl looks up with me, and that will be, when this is all over.
When this is all over, we'll look to the sky together.
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So, this is a fanfiction, remember the service?, titled, "Cold" and is a Carl Grimes fanfiction, written by, AboveTheSkyline
Dedication goes to her, and, link to the first chapter of her book, is in the comment box below...like, the first comment, possibly, way below. XD And here's a bit of her story, a segment from the first chapter if I remember correctly, (I'm reading this book) and yes...here you go.
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"Drop the gun." He said sternly. His voice deeper than I expected. I only steadied it more, aiming it right at the boy's head. "Drop the gun or I'll make you." His eyes narrowed and his eyebrows were furrowed.
"Try me." I growled. He didn't seem phased one bit. "I'm not some crazed freak if that's what you think." He says calmly but sternly. I scanned him and it seemed like he was around 14 or 15. He looked the same age as me.
I slowly stood up, my eyes on the blue eyed boy the whole time. My rifle still aimed at him. "Are you gonna keep staring at me or are you gonna say something?" The boy's eyes narrowed, like he was trying to read me.
"If you're trying to rob me, I got nothing." I said calmly yet not taking my eyes off him. "Nah, I don't need any of your shit." He snarls, smirking. I aim above his hat and shoot the tree. "Shut it sheriff boy." I shoot back, smirking.
I see his eyes dart behind me and I was tempted to turn around and see what he was looking at but it might be trick so he can kill me. His head nods slightly and I now really want to turn round.
I feel a presence behind me and I turn round slightly and I see a man with the but of a gun level with my head. The man pulls the gun back and before I can move, everything goes black.
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Domo to everyone! HAVE A NICE DAY/NIGHT