Like a cat in the dark, waiting and visualizing the prance of her attack, I just sit and glare, the bed sheets crumpled in between my fingers while I feel something like, I have no clue, anger, sadness, something, something that takes me back; back to when my body was adorned with needle marks and vicious bruises when they had to re-do the tests or they messed up finding a vein, and I just stare.
Any little thing to make my sore arms even more so, and staring in this light, perfect implication as to why Jesse's been so sick...I knew it. I fvcking knew I'd seen this sh1t before!
I...
"Jesse." I slowly close my eyes, already feeling the warm tears turn cold after the blink, and see him snap his shaking body towards me, face damp and curls moist.
My voice...it sounds, older somehow. More womanly or, sultry, but definitely demanding, just like how I feel.
Caring, or not caring, I've never been faced with this sh1t. I don't know if I'm supposed to mind my own fvcking business or take an actual slap to this guys face, but I know what I feel like doing, and I know why...If it weren't for a few reasons concerning drugs, I'd feel less pissed, but it's Jesse, and I feel pissed.
Genuinely, pissed.
"Hey Espes-o." Jesse refers me to...a cup of fvcking coffee, and I feel like I'd be less yucked by it if he weren't acting like I didn't just see his injection marks. "Carl went to exchange your bowl of soup. He'll be back soon; I just wanted to check on you." I feel my eyes study him tug a sock on up to his ankle. "You feeling ok?"
Let it go? Or confront him?
If I confront him, do it like a normal human being. Not like one of these drama queen b1tches I used to roll my eyes at on T.V. Just keep it chill, like that's sooo easy.
"Spes?" He turns, and I slowly drag my foot out from behind me, lifting myself to stand up on the bed, looking down at him. "You ok? You're looking a little...sick."
"Really?" I raise my eyebrows, slowly and easily walking towards the edge of the bed, then the carpet floor, not as cold as I thought it would be, until I give myself a final pep talk about how to handle this. Should've known that sh1t wouldn't work.
"Spes?"
He shifts, but I don't wait to frown when my hand almost readies to hit his cheek, but instead I bite my lip and reach for his ankle.
"Wait! What are you doing?!"
"What does it look like I'm doing!?"
"Raping me!" Jesse's holding his leg to keep me from achieving my goal, pretty frantically, but I'm not giving up.
My hands are trying their best and fingers almost succeeding when I grip the right amount of his black sock, same instant he shoves me back and I fall onto my side, hitting my shoulder as he continues to shiver and cough.
Being sick sucks!
"What the heIl is wrong with you?"
"Some little girls locked me out into a blizzard," I raise my thumb to count. "I'm mentally insane," I lift my index finger. "And struggling with some really un-stereotypical sh1t!" I smile like I'm crazy. "What about you?"
"What ab-about me?" He sniffs.
Oh...you-
"You're sick!"
"It's a cold Spes. Don't worry-"
"That's bullsh1t!" I yell and hurry to stand up, legs bare and I'm only now thinkin' I could've dressed better for the occasion of attacking my first friend out here. Maybe I could've used my saber too. Then he'd think I was insane and tell me everything without hesitance. That'd be good. Yet I'm stuck with words that aren't expressing everything I feel right now. "I saw it." I sound like I'm disappointed. Fvck, I am. I think. I'm not sure.
"What are you talking-"
"Don't do that!" I almost scream, and it's finally got his attention at how rattled I am.
Sh1t! Stop. Stop it, and calm down. Calm down. It's not you, it's him.
"Those needle marks." I feel my hands shaking from adrenaline. "I know those anywhere. You're on drugs." I say it out loud, and it only makes my stomach disappear at the faintest memory of what it feels like, to be stuck in the skin and doped up for some indecent testing, how badly it hurts afterwards, how badly it destroys someone...It's not the same old, don't take drugs because it ruins you, it's none of that wishy washy stuff.
It's me...me when I was the one who didn't know any better, experiencing it against my will.
It was a nightmare.
"It's not what you-"
"Oh my gosh." I scoff. "I'm not 5. I'm 15. The whole, 'it's not what you think' is a load of crap I never swallowed."
"Well this time, it's really not what you think."
"Then what is it? Because that looks pretty fvcking clear to me!" I point at his feet and stand my ground when he sighs to rise, putting both his hands over his face, and I cringe at the thought of him rubbing the sweat on his forehead around his cheeks. "How long have you been on it?"
"I'm not on it Spes." He sighs, and I let out a scoff of hate for his lies when he sighs again. "In the band, when I was younger, I got hooked to some stuff...anything cheap, I'd be on it."
"My age." I make the quick connection and feel a shiver run over my shoulder.
"Yeah."
"You could've helped that." I almost accuse, feeling like an idiot for thinking about...oh gosh.
"Yeah. I was stupid."
That is so freaking played out.
"I got off it about 7 months before everything happened. My mom died in a car accident, she was on life support for about 10 months."
What the fvck does this have to do with anything?! Is he trying to find an excuse!?
"I had to give the ok to pull the plug. And I wanted to do it clean." He sniffs again. "5 years I've been clean. In a way, this apocalypse has been the best thing to happen to me since I turned 15." He explains, but I'm still left in the dark.
"You were clean when I met you?"
"Yes."
"So what changed?" I softly shake my head.
What happened between him being ok to him being like this?
Some radical difference, something to totally alter what he was...when did-
"Juan." He almost peeps. "Juan...back when, you and Carl set out. It was afterwards."
"Huh?" I feel the connections flow, only to get sick by them.
"They were giving us some water, dug us up just once to keep us alive, and I guess I wasn't smart enough. I was worried, trying to be a hero."
Oh gosh.
"I tried to, fight, break away, get a gun."
Oh, well...tch. Obviously that failed.
"In the end, they dosed me up to calm down and tossed me back in the crate. I was 4 feet underground but felt like I was sky diving."
"And you've been having withdrawal symptoms?" I run my hand through my hair and feel sick all at once. "Why didn't you tell Rick?" That's something I didn't expect myself to say, but I get why I'm thinking it. Ha. Rick is trustworthy, at least to me, and he seems like he'd be helpful. Especially since I'm the one he chooses to escort all the way to D.C.
"I didn't want to bring attention to this. I was sure it would die down soon."
"How would you not bring attention to it?" I nearly whine. "Have you seen yourself? Do you know what you look like? I thought at first you might be dying. And now this is what's happening?"
"I promise it's going to be ok."
"Don't promise me sh1t." My nearly worn out, monotone, almost silent voice speaks. "One thing about this place, this world, is that it's never ok."
"Come on." Jesse takes a step closer. "It is ok sometimes. You just have to learn to-"
"Do you know I've killed 3 people?" My throat feels like it's closing up at the fact that I just said something totally stupid.
"The first I shot, the second Tara died because of me, and the third I strangled to death." I look up and face Jesse, staring at me with that look of regret I expected to catch, but it still burns me that I actually had to face it. "They weren't by my choice, but it's still just as bad. It's not ok Jesse." I bite my inner cheek to keep from sobbing some more. I don't want to cry today. I don't want to weep into the next morning every day of my life.
I want to stay how I was. How I want to be. How I know, and hope, deep down inside, I am.
I may be a spoiled, selfish brat, but I'll be dammed if I turn into a crybaby.
"Tell them." I instruct. "Tell somebody."
"It's not like I can give in and ask for help Spes. This time and day, someone with this kind of problem... They're a nuisance."
"These people deal with it pretty well." I widen my eyes. Newsflash man, yaknow? "I mean come on, I'm no picnic." I stand up and link our eyesight. "I'm still a moron, but not when it comes to basic sh1t like this. This is serious. This could go beyond you. It could affect everyone. You need help!" I sound like a kid sister. Maybe that's how he sees me though. Still a kid.
"Spes, I can't. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm going to be ok." He sniffles.
"Tell somebody!" I plead.
"No. No. Just drop it." He gives me the best reassuring smile I've seen him flash since the first day I met him, when he tugged on my gray hair and wondered about who I was. Damm. Not even a month ago and it seems like an eternity since then.
"You have to tell somebody!" I yell the logic in his face, my hands gesturing here and there, a sure sign that I'm getting really riled. "For everyone's own good!"
"I'll be fine! We're at a hospital! I've found the perfect place to heal myself! I promise you don't have to-" He starts to shake his head and puts his hands on my shoulders but I huff out air and push him away.
I was just so fvcking crazy wasn't I? To think that the apocalypse, this war, would've been a piece of cake with icing on top and everything. Maybe a few fvcking flowers and...It's just, become so hard to remember that there are good things left to appreciate, when I can't seem to lift my eyes to it anymore.
Everyone here, they don't see the sky, or the sun, unless it's blotched by clouds, and I've joined them in letting myself get swallowed up to the point I don't have time to look up. I have to keep my eyes level, in order to dream of looking up to the clear sky again.
Ah, sh1t.
Sh1t!
"Tell somebody! Come on Jesse! Just tell them!"
"No. Spes you're-"
"Tell them!"
"No!"
"Tell them or I will!" I shout, but it's the last second when I feel a quick, hard and powerful palm slap my entire right cheek, my face gone to the side the same moment I see Carl standing in the doorway, his palm still around the knob with a bowl of soup in his other hold and a look of calmness just before I catch his eyes widen.
For fvcks sake.
"Spes! I'm sor-"
Too late.
Regardless of the bowl dropped to the ground, soup spilt onto the floor and the clatter of spoon hitting against the dishes edges, it does little to hesitate the situation.
If Carl were any faster, I'd think he was a superhero or something, but aside from that stupid thought, it's futile to halt this mess.
Carl was fast, but I was faster.
One blink, and I feel my face turn into a frown, my hands no longer shaking, when I steel them to make a perfect shot to Jesse's cold cheek, everything I have in me slapping the absolute sh1t out of him while Carl's eyes widen and Jesse stumbles back to hold onto his injured skin from a tactic I perfected in fighting classes with Gabby.
My face is throbbing, my head is spinning, my emotions feel a tad shot...but I still feel fvcking great compared to a few minutes ago.
"I'm sorry." Jesse shakes his head, looking at me like he just beat a dog, I'm guessing that's me, woof, and I don't follow his movements when he turns to see Carl, still confused and slightly stunned, until leaving and shutting the door which seems to click my lover back into action.
"What was that?" I hear the background yell in his voice and wince when my cheek burns another degree hotter. "Spes?" Carl hurries over, his hands on me while he examines my cheek, my eyes never leaving the chair Jesse was sitting in. "Hey!" He gently urges, but he's still panicking. "Tell me what happened."
"Jesse hit me, I hit Jesse."
"Tell me why!" Carl uses his palm to push my face in his direction. "Right now. Tell me." Is he shaking?
"It doesn't, matter." I casually but slowly state before turning to head back to bed, only to feel a hand grip my arm and tug me back. Of course that happened. "Carl!?"
"I will put up with a lot of things, you know that, but this isn't one of them." I feel his intensity. Really, his fvcking anger emanating off of him, but his hand gripping me is holding me like I'm the most delicate thing in the world. "Or do you want me to go ask Jesse?"
Ok, I know what that means.
"There's no reason to pursue it." I don't even bother pulling away from Carl. I know he won't let me go. "Just let it go."
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Let it go? How in the...if it were Carl, I'd be just as adamant. Still, I feel like I owe Jesse something. It's sort of hard to not, considering-
"There's every reason!"
"What do you think you could do?!"
"For starters I'll kick the sh1t out of him!!" Carl's volcanic boom and rumble of a voice makes me wince and I slowly blink when I feel my eye that was on the side of the cheek that was struck, shed a tear without my permission. "I will do it." His blue orbs widen. "Even if you think slapping him back evens the score, I'll go and-"
"He's on drugs." I state in Carl's face, his chest heaving in and out barely calming with my news. "Sh1t." I side-glance. "When we were at Juan's place. After you and I left, apparently...they drugged him or something."
"Drugs." Carl takes a step back, his fingers sliding down my arm near my elbow. "So why did he hit you?"
"We were arguing. He's unstable. He didn't mean it."
"Why do you think that? He hit you."
Carl's not going to be calming down any time soon, that's for sure. Well neither am I! This whole day, this place, ugh, the fvcking apocalypse! It aaaall sucks!
"Well, I've read, and heard, that, people on drugs, or on withdrawal, experience-"
"I'm going to tell my dad."
"Hey, go ahead! I encourage it! Tattle tale."
"Wha-Tattle tale? Seriously? Are we in kindergarten?"
"Geh!" I lift my eyes all the way up, and slowly fall to the bed, my back landing and my eyes shutting, without another care to talk about this stupid conversation. This really messed up, inevitable and brutal as$ conversation.
"Just let me get this in order." I sigh, and exhale, turning my eyes to Carl who's still wired, but I simply pat the space beside me and I'm lucky enough to get him lying next to my figure with his hand in mine, a serious expression facing my tired one whilst I continue speaking. "Some little kid, tried to kill me," I feel Carl's hand twitch. "I wake up after a weird few hour's sleep, to find out that...Jesse, is having drug problems."
"And I want to shoot him point blank in the head." Carl reminds me and I widen my eyes to him. "He shouldn't be touching you." His face turns away. "Nobody should."
"Except you."
"Not like that."
"Unless I give you a reason."
"This is the whole, you hit me, I have the right to hit you back thing?"
"I can dish it out, means I can take it." I smile and feel the receding injuries take a last affect on my body before clearing my throat. "It's something I signed up for when I waltzed out here isn't it?"
"You've been taking it more than you've been giving it. Ever since we found Deniece's place, things just went wrong. They always go wrong." Carl's voice sounds really tired. Really drained and tired which makes me feel sorry for him, as well as everyone else.
Oh. He closed his eyes. Going to sleep on me is he? Ha.
"2 or more hours. It'll be morning right?" I slowly pull myself up to grab the end of the blankets, leaning over Carl to drag some covers on us both while he exhales the same time his lips part a touch, my face turning pink from how fvcking sexy and adorable he is. He must have been tired to fall asleep so fast.
Such a fighter. This guy. This young man that I'm so deeply in love with, so helplessly and selfishly in need of, to keep with me, how I don't want to take for granted or share.
Carl Grimes.
Exhausted soon to be 16 year old prince in a warring world.
Carl...
"Thank you for taking care of me." I lean above his face, one palm holding me up as the other keeps my hair behind my ear so I can kiss his cheek just below his lashes. "For loving me." I shut my eyes and move his bangs to the side so I can adorn his forehead with an invisible kiss. "I love you." A whisper forms, and my lips steal a touch from his, before I slowly lay down, the second I do, my thoughts gradually turning black to fade, but not before I begin to have nightmares, again.
_____________
"Stay here ok?" Carl shifts on his leg and I slowly shut the book on the bed. "I really mean it. Don't leave this room."
"What if I have to?"
"Call for someone."
"What if no one comes?"
"Someone will. Just wait for them."
"But what if they don't?" I playfully counter with a serious face causing Carl's broad shoulders to slouch before walking my way. "Here." He hands me a...knife?
Why is he handing me a knife?
"Why are you handing me a knife?"
"To defend yourself."
"Ah!" I slowly take it from him. "Observe young one." I lift my index finger and slide off the bed in my new clothes, reaching for my saber and turning to see him smile at me, nodding at my cheeky grin. "I think this is more helpful to me than that."
"I don't. This actually has a sharp side to cut through something." He easily unsheathes the dagger, the thought of using the jagged edged side he's showing me makes me think of raw meat, like a dead deer or bear, a cat...something of that sort, slowly being sawed into, juices and blood squirting and pooling around my fingertips, drying and decaying under my nails while maggots bathe and color themselves in the deathly fluids.
"Carl." I slowly swallow back my disgust. "I'm...I'm cool. This is fine. It's cleaner."
"Do you want to come with us?" He worriedly sighs, talking about the run that Sage and a few others elected to go on while I choose to plant my feet here and help around with Carol and Sasha in the kitchen.
I'm gonna screw something up in there but at least I'll be doing something. I'd normally be in dancing class by now or other sh1t but given that the apocalypse in between large events is boring, I'm sentencing myself to an hour behind a large stove.
"If I wanted to come, I'd be going." I smile and stand up. "I still feel a little..." My hand goes side to side. "Off."
"Ok. Just make sure you stay with Carol. Or Maggie. Glenn. I don't care, just as long as it's not by yourself and with the others."
"Yes sir." I slowly smile, cheesing my teeth for extra affect before shutting my mouth to lightly pucker up my lips, battling a grin that I'm actually able to spread as he reflects back, bending down to pucker his lips too as we promote our kisses in the stupidest way.
"Back soon." His deep voice soothes, and for an entire second, I feel a great loss of his presence, a whole hour of who knows what without him, and I still haven't shaken the fear of almost dying from last night that I immediately grab his strong and slim, pale wrist, watching his face turn back like he's confused.
"Back soon." I repeat his sentence, confirmation that he'll be back at all, and it'll be soon, in a voice I didn't know I had. One of terror for uncertainty, a begging affect lacing through me while I feel inner fears crawl into my speech, showing just how scared I am.
Not scared for me, and whatever Carl's worried about by leaving me here, who gives a sh1t about that? Well, I do, but I can take care of myself, however, last night, he almost lost me, and I'm just fvcked up with fear right now thinking that whenever we part, I'll lose him instead.
"Spes?" He turns quickly while my eyes scan the room and I fight to pull them towards his blue ones that in this instant seem to glow in a light haze. "Baby?"
"Ha." I lightly smile at the common used pet name, how patient and sweet it sounds when he addresses me by it, and I don't care how dumb I look, but for a way to feel relaxed, I rest my forehead on his chest, just under his collarbone while he easily pulls my entire figure closer into a hug.
This hug...it's kind of painful.
It's not just his body either. He's hugging me so close, so tight, my breasts hurt against his strong chest. There's hardly a soft spot on him when he's using so much constriction to keep me against him...but it still feels so unbelievable good to me.
One of the best kinds of pain, is this person hugging me.
I'd rather feel this hurt, than any other or none at all.
"I miss you stepping one my toes." I swallow down my need to cry, like a really long, good ol' fvcking cry, and reference the first few weeks as well as the days we just had each other to ourselves, and I let out a laugh similar to a whimper when I feel Carl purposely press his shoe down on mine.
"Me too." He whispers a second before kissing the side of my head, my own affection going towards his jawline while I notice how sexually starved I am for this guy, how no matter what, even though he's the one being kissed, I'm the one who's feeling good.
Gosh, how hungry do I get before I become a Carl crazed sex maniac?
Still, I don't feel like caring right now. Especially when he begins kissing me back, my mouth evading his to kiss under his adam's apple, how I look like I'm worshipping him with all my love and every other endearing emotion I have to spare while his slim fingers rest and grip my lower waist, the sensitive spot between my neck and shoulder receiving his hot, slightly rough lips against it.
Dammit.
His tongues lightly grazing me by accident, and I can't believe it goes so smoothly, but like a breezy trip my legs are wrapped around his waist and he's supporting me with ease while we slowly find the beat to suit our sexual needs concerning one another, and neither one of us can pace how fast and untamed our kisses are becoming.
I want him to know how I feel, how I want things to go.
I don't let his wince from my legs wrapping especially tight around his strong waist go on for long. Kisses that blur into more kisses, the motions of him walking towards the bed makes me think that he'll be soothing my body soon, only by feeding and growing my excitement, it's getting worse by the way he sounds when out of breath, his deep voice jerking here and there, and I want to hear more of it.
Hands woven into his hair, the texture silky but masked by its state of not being washed for a while, which normally would gross me out and set me on a rant about hygiene, but I'm rampant about what I want. My left palm reaches for his shirt so I can slide it up his waist, caressing just once his strengthened figure, his body forced stiff with pleasure at my fingers spread on his upper chest, grazing briefly over his nipple, the remembrance of how milk white his skin normally is, lean and flawless except for that scar I've been wondering about, light shades of pink on him, the beauty of him making this so real that I effortlessly feel at home with his hands trying to keep my face to his when we lie down.
A little unnerving to say, I can feel how hot he is through our jeans. I'm just wondering if he can feel the same thing from me.
I'm already sweating.
"It has to be sin." I partially gasp, the sentence slipping out when he spreads over me, shoulders raised a bit to the point the blades are protruding beautifully under his new shirt, the plaid he sports over it falling around my waist and I catch a glimpse of his v-lines, his pants lifted by his swelling lower region that I see down past the hem; underwear hung low and I swear I'm starting to witness a blush flourishing over his body.
I feel like I might pass out, my bodies so hot, and his is burning by the touch.
"What?" He waits to continue, and I slowly lift my legs to press my thighs on his hips best I can.
"Loving." I confess.
"It's not." He hurries to speak. "It's not common, but that doesn't make it a sin." Carl's lips blaze on my throat while my cheeks sting from heat, the feeling of having a body like his on top of me, caging me down, interacting with me...In this moment all I can think about is how short circuited my brains become, and how my ignited body is eager to take over.
I was going to pass this up? All that time ago? Suicide?
Oh gosh...now that scares me. It scares me a fvcking lot.
It's scary, thinking I'd have missed this, without even knowing it existed.
"Ah!" I cry and open my eyes for a split second before shutting them, my heartbeat unmatched because of Carl's hand sliding down my underwear, reaching further and further, the anticipation so high I can't part my lashes to see his blushed face. "Carl..." I begin to ask him, my voice once again, not at all girly or any of that other sh1t, but strong and solid to show my bodies feelings.
"I can't." He reminds me about us not having protection.
Oh...yeah.
"You're making it, really, really hard to care." I blush even though I'm putting on a straight face, and Carl pauses.
"For me too. But we can't." He breathes, air fanning light above my features, but I just let out a small grunt in response, shifting, then pulling my hands away from him to lower my jeans a bit, me being desperate totally throwing my dignity out the window. "No." Carl shakes his head, chest moving rapidly so that I see his sculpted form against his slightly tight shirt.
"Then why did you do this?" I partially call him out, lecturing when he pulls his hand away to stop me from taking off my lower clothes.
"Because I couldn't stop before." Eye brow raised, of course, and forehead pressed lightly on mine when he rubs our bangs side to side.
Oh my gosh. I really am a brat. I feel like crying. Sh1t. My life is dwindling in this very moment.
Rejection is painful.
Cue the martyr music.
"Before my dad comes and finds us-"
"Go. For fvcks sake that's not a pretty picture." I shove him back a bit, turning to help him up and see his fingers that he touched me with rub together just a tiny bit.
I'd address that, but I don't think it'll end well...or start well for that matter.
"Bye." He glumly sighs, kisses me again, a quick peck only to linger and stare at my catty silver eyes a minute prior to leaving to go out the door. Gone....for more than an hour.
And...
"Sheeeeeeeet..." I slowly sink to the ground, resting my head on the floor while my bent body puts my as$ in the air, and I count to ten so I don't start crying, and give myself a million reasons why I shouldn't try to do something...perverted.
As in...?
No. No way! I'm not doing that.
It never ends well! Fvck that sh1t!
I'm just gonna go to the kitchen, try to make today a tad normal, given there are so many people as opposed to the group itself, I'll be fitting in rather well. The difference between this house size and the mall's size, the amount of people even out nicely.
I just wonder if they're all not lunatics.
"Ugh." I feel a shudder go over me when I lay flat on my back.
Honestly.
"Damm you Carl." My wrist rests on my forehead, breathing unsteady and throat dry while I try to get my mind off of what it's currently on, which is...proving hard-Difficult!
Not hard! Not hard! Difficult!
Very difficult.
Very, very, difficult.
Very-oh shut up, Spes!
Go wash pots!
Idiot!
Fvck!
Damm you Carl!
-Carl's P.O.V.-
"This is a pharmacy we haven't checked out yet, partly because it looks pretty rundown." Sage leans a bit on one of her feet before looking at my dad, his eyes a tad tired until he makes a move to scout out the small ex-establishment.
Normally I'd at least find something to say, anything polite or random, but under today's circumstances, I feel like I have ants in my shoes pushing me to run back to the hotel and check on Spes. I know she was making fun of me for being a 'worry walrus' or whatever the heIl she called me a few days ago, and she's probably a little pissed that I left her all...well, like that, while I was...like this and-
I shouldn't have come on the run.
I'm not focusing. My minds somewhere else and I'm scared that-
"Yo." Daryl hacks my thoughts to get me in the game.
"What?"
"Come on. Coasts clear, man."
"Right." I hurry up after him, pulling out my gun and following the usual pattern of going through the aisles, trying to breathe at all since this place is stuffed with dust, the safety I feel justified after I take a look around, finding a basket for me to fill up in this dim lit pharmacy with newspapers and bubble wrap here and there, and...now I'm thinking about Spes again, the last time we were in a tiny store like this...what we did.
"Dammit." I sigh, head lost of its focus while my feet swiftly move one step at a time down the row, the stir inside me that I didn't get to quench from before surfaci-ok, what'd I just kick?
Box?
I tilt my head and my lips slightly pull together in concentration.
What's that say? It's upside down.
Co...Condo...
Oh fvck.
Condoms?! Now?
What the-Where's dad? He can't see me get them. If he does, I'll be dead before the nights out. I know he knows about me and Spes but-ok, he's busy. Here w-
"You drop somethin'?"
I freeze up at the sight of Daryl's dirty fingers gently and lazily tossing the box up in the air a bit, securing it well enough in his hand that it looks like it went from a pack of helpful rubber to a box of rare jewels.
"What?"
"What size are you?" Did he just glance at my crotch? "I don't think these little pixie stick wrappers will fit." His words make the tips of my ears burn, the self consciousness to my length's size rise up for the first time in my life, and I immediately drop the box of condoms tossed to me from loss of brain processing abilities.
Now I'm really missing those days alone together. I can't have my guard down around that guy for a minute.
Damm.
"A$s hole." I smirk to myself, walking further down the way, nonchalantly moving in a wobble of a straight direction, bending down here and there to see if any of the hangers with dirty price tags on the end have something we could us, when I spot a glint or sparkle under some thin cardboard.
Squatting down to get a better look, my long fingers pinching a few things to move out of the way, I feel my thumbs touch a pair of loop like ear rings. Dark gray with a sort of tear drop looking crystal thing dangling from the center, both halves of the set perfect and immediately pulling a smile to my face while I think about giving it to Spes, and I shove it in my pocket before I move on to the next aisle.
-Spes' P.O.V.-
"You can dance! You can jive! Having the time of your life! Oh, see that girl! Watch that scene, diggin THE DANCING QUEEN!"
I nod while the mp3 player I saved up all this time is put to use, on as loud as possible while a few music lovers offered up their speakers and a few more started complimenting the stream by banging on walls in melody while a few just sang, all the women in love with this tune laughing at their men as I sit in the kitchen, using the spoon in my hand to help me dance.
I didn't know I missed fvcking dance class this much to turn the entire hotel into a fvcked up musical, but even Carol is smiling.
And I'm guessing it's because she's thinking about Daryl listening to Abba.
"Ooohhh see that girl! Watch that scene! Blah blah blah!" I soulfully sing out the lyrics, ahem, and shut my eyes to try and keep my mind on the movements instead of the weird looks I got when I first came in here, and enjoy the long white skirt these people lent me flow a bit while I keep the red crop top that reminds me of training days on me, a giant hoody over everything me to keep warm.
"I'll be back, Spes." Carol laughs and I nod without caring, swaying my body and throwing my hair from side to side, stirring this stupid stew here and there. "Oh hi C-Uh, ha...go get em' Spes."
"Mm hmm!"
-Carl's P.O.V.-
Out of all the things I thought I'd come back to, a hotel with music blasting from the level with the cafeteria, pretty much every guy, especially Daryl, terrified at the sounds playing, looking at each other wondering what the heIl happened since we've left earlier, was not one of them. This song, I don't know if I remember it all that well, but I'm pretty sure I've heard it before whenever I would go to school, and one of our teachers would make us try to move our feet to it.
It feels like it's come back to haunt me.
Dad's not as hardcore serious about it as I thought he'd be though.
I follow my amused father to the kitchen, where I'm directed by a few people as to where Spes is, since she apparently started this whole thing, and I'm left biting my inner cheek to keep from laughing when I spot her using a spoon to sing into and point at the wall in front of her like she's talking to a person.
Don't laugh. Just don't laugh.
Maybe that way I'll get a second act.
"Haha."
Less than a month ago, I would've thought, a girl dancing in a rundown kitchen with, whatever that stuff is that's blasting, dancing to it, acting like it's just another day in Georgia, was crazy, and I'd have hated her because she was so normal, but not now.
Now, I'm just so grateful she is dancing in a rundown kitchen, in the middle of an apocalypse with walkers closing in on us and people trying to kill her, 2 people gone from this life because of her choices with no way out of and she's still smiling.
She's holding out.
She's lasting, fighting for the radiance she once told me the world still held.
I just don't know how long that will last though.
When will she crack?
When will it all swallow her up?
When I turn my back for a split second?
When she's alone?
When?
Dear God, please don't let it happen at all. Help me keep her safe. Please.
Within minutes of thinking this, I feel my eyes focus back when I hear a wolf whistle from the main room, turning to see a thousand eyes or less of all the guys, or most in the place staring in our direction, the song changed to what sounds like a Spanish tune, a few onlookers staring past the kitchen's window towards...Spes?
Why are they sta-
"She told me she took lessons since she was younger than 8, but I didn't know it'd make her this good." Carol holds an empty pot against her body while leaning a bit to look at Spes swaying her entire body, fluid easy and sexy while she uses the hoody that was on her back to drape only her lower arms while her shoulders become bare and her red top attracts my eyes to her chest, and I feel my being go under a physical hypnotism when her waist turns a little and I see her naval.
Her eyes are closed. That's why she can't see that she's getting half the men in this place excited. Dammit.
She looks so beautiful too. Her legs, shapely and lightly fuller than mine, her curved back, white collar bones, messy hair that just makes her look-Oh sh1t.
"Ok, break it up guys!" Sage saves me from doing something stupid, like announcing to the entire room that Spes is 15 and belongs to me.
"Carl?" I turn to her voice and feel a wave of something go over me when a few men, teenagers too are still looking at Spes like she's a fantastic woman, and that's the last motivation I need to get me walking over to her, a gentle grin on her face a moment before I slide a hand to her back and my other palm in her hair to kiss her like I did in front of those kids all over her yesterday.
I didn't even think about dad and the entire group being in here, but Abrahams already making jokes while Rosita laughs, but all I can focus on is Spes lightly trying to swallow, a heartbeat going through me, everywhere when I pull back to see her face on fire almost, eyes half surprised but mostly satisfied with my serious adoration to her mouth. Does this make me one of those creepy boyfriend?
"Hi." She almost squeaks, avoiding eye contact and I hurry to give her, her present.
Fvck, I wish we were alone again.
-Spes' P.O.V.-
"You got this..." I slowly swallow, feeling more broken up about the gift Carl just handed me while I hold it in my dish soaked hands than I normally would, eyes looking over the ear rings and how fancy they come off as, or rather, perfect they are, since my entire childhood, I'd always think about having hooped ear rings, or any kind for that matter, and I was always denied it, the only thing that anyone would let touch and decorate me was the tattoo I got at an early age, so...this is feeling pretty...important.
I just hope they're not infected with some sort of rat sh1t or something.
Ok, washing these right now.
"Carol told me you started taking dancing lessons when you were 8." Carl leans against the counter, his arms bent and palms pressing the edge of the surface, which makes him look so damm- "You're really good." He blushes whilst chuckling the compliment.
That being said, I give him a cup of water, smiling when he takes it from me to drink giving me room to tease him the way we both like doing.
"So you like how I move huh?"
Ha. Choked.
"What would you do if I said no?" He plays along.
"You wouldn't. You're a pervert." I cross my arms.
"I'm not."
"You are."
"Well you make it pretty damm hard not to be. So stop-"
"Being sexy? Impossible." I lift my nose before Carl flicks water at me from his glass, his fingertips tossing droplets my way so I have to shove him a good time to make him stop, and oh gosh his laugh.
"Hey Spes?" Carol walks in on us laughing at one another, my fingers dipping the ear rings in the water while Carl's face twists in confusion to my actions, shaking his head when he figures out my neat freakness of germs and so on but I'm putting them into my ears as fast as I can afterwards. "I'm gonna need you to get some snow for us to boil ok?" I look at the lady who's been taking care of me here and there's innocent looking smile that I almost forget she's as old as to have gray fvcking hair.
"Hmm? Oh! Yeah." I restrain sighing and notice Carl follow me out the door with a bowl Carol handed him.
Aw. Well ain't that a bucket uh roses.
"You following me?"
"Someone's got to." He makes my heart melt with his smile.
Aw...why can't I do that? Who knows, maybe I can, I should try.
"Hmm." I cheese which makes him stop walking, only to laugh at me and keep going. Well that didn't work. Oh, forget it. Just go.
"Oh! It's so cold!" I hold onto myself a second before I jump at Carl's arms around me from behind, his army jacket not the softest of material, but it's crazy how immediately comfortable I become by it.
"Did you want my jacket?"
"I have the hoody." I smile, shifting my eyes here and there, enjoying the perks of being in a relationship as we speed up to go towards a good patch of snow that hasn't been trampled on by a few as$holes that should've stayed inside.
It's crazy how opportunity knocks when I see Carl lightly bend down a bit to pick something up, one of his feet off the ground while he reaches, and I just slowly sway towards him before pushing his lower waist so that he falls sideways onto his ribs, the most adorable surprised face I've ever seen on a face looking at me with his brown hair shuffled a bit and I give him a look to promote mischief.
"Oho." He hurries to get up, tossing some gigantic handfuls at me, getting some down my shirt might I add, which like, totally paralyzes me a little?!
"You did that on purpose!" I jump up and down, shuddering a little and waddling in my boots while he falls to his knees laughing. "Oh you idiot!" I restrain from reaching down my shirt to warm up my skin.
"Hey! You started it. Dish it, I give it back. Remember?" He smirks just in time before leaning over, laughing from my face that must look seriously threatening in a comedic way.
Gosh I love him so much its scary.
"Well I need to fill this dish. So go be useful and get me something to drink. Douche." I mutter the last part.
___________________
-Third Person P.O.V.-
Regardless of the happiness Spes felt, relaxed from the subtle trauma she had been able to shy away from the entire day, not to mention the confrontation with Jesse hours before in the early morning, the sky was still pale and the scent of death remaining close while she went around the corner of the building, curiosity to look around the hotel concerning the cars that close off the area to walkers who are, at the moment, nonexistent given there isn't a single creature in sight, the child of the future was still suffering in a small corner concerning her mind, that when she shuts her eyes, inhaling the cold air, smiling at the sight she sees when her head goes back, a pioneering tear falls down the side of her face to express the unchangeable loss she's feeling for a happier time she knows she could never go back to.
She's part of this war now...but thankfully it hasn't totally taken her from herself.
"I still see the sky." Her fingertips touch the warm air exhaled from her mouth and begins to relax at the steady sprinkles of rain tapping down on her skin, small droplets poking at her repeatedly while gray clouds overcome the sun, same time she turns around to spot a group of men, 3 total, staring at her while she feels everything inside her fall apart.
It must be paranoia, or it must be a gift the world has offered to her, to immediately know, when she's no longer safe, and all the way in danger.
Must be.