After dinner, Remus is on his way to Sirius' room when he sees someone on the balcony. He takes a step back and squints at the silhouette, trying to figure out who it is.
And he feels his blood run cold when he sees it's Sirius. The first instinct is to yell out his name, but Remus can't even breathe, let alone speak. All he can think is that Sirius is going to jump.
Shakily, he moves closer.
"Sirius?" He calls.
Sirius turns around. Remus notices the cigarette between his fingers. "Hey," Sirius gives him a small grin. It fades quickly as his eyes skim across Remus' face. "Remus?" He frowns, "Is something wrong?"
Remus blinks. Is something wrong?
"Did you," Sirius frowns deeper, taking a few steps so that they're closed. Remus flinches a bit at the smell of smoke. Sirius' voice is markedly softer as he speaks, "Did you think I was going to jump off my balcony?"
It would be comical to hear it put like that, if Remus hasn't been thinking that all this time. He swallows. "I... I don't know," he mumbles, "Maybe."
Sirius nods. "I can understand that," he replies. He sits down in front of the railing, crossing his legs, and leans back against the wall behind him. "Come sit," he pats the floor next to him. Remus obeys quietly.
He watches Sirius take a long drag. And then, deciding that it's enough, he reaches out and plucks it from Sirius' fingers. Sirius turns to him, surprised.
Remus looks at the cigarette for a minute, at the stringy wisp of smoke gently swimming into the air from its tip. He looks at Sirius then, and throws the cigarette over the railing.
Sirius stares at Remus, face blank. Remus almost thinks he's made him angry, but then Sirius says,
"Well, that was hot."
So surprised is Remus that he can't even blush.
"Hopefully you didn't just start a fire," Sirius adds. That makes Remus blush. Sirius laughs at him. But his face grows sombre very quickly.
"Hey, Remus?" He mumbles, scooting a bit closer.
It's cold outside. Christmas is steadily approaching, and the nights are slowly growing colder and colder. The sky is pink, as it always is in this part of London, and Remus can't make out any stars. But the moon... The moon is almost full, and the way it shines in the rosy haze of the night sky is almost cruel.
Remus looks down quickly.
"Hmm?" He replies.
"I wasn't going to jump, I promise."
"I know," Remus says, carefully observing the pale scars on his forearms.
"Putting aside the fact that I won't achieve much more than breaking an arm," Sirius huffs, "I don't... I don't want to."
Remus looks up at Sirius. "You don't want to?"
"I don't want to... Die," Sirius says quietly, as if it's an admission he doesn't want to make. His hands are tight fists on his lap. Remus reaches out for one, twisting their fingers together. Sirius lets him.
"I didn't want to, not even... On that day," he says, "I didn't want to die. I just wanted it to stop."
Remus can't take his eyes off of Sirius' face. It's drawn in all the colours of sadness, and Remus has never seen anything quite like it.
"I'm sorry," Sirius sighs.
"What for?" Remus asks.
"I don't know," Sirius shrugs, finally looking up. He leans his head back, tilting his face up to look at the moon. He turns his face to Remus. "For complicating everything. For looking for an easy way out."
Remus shakes his head. "I don't want you thinking about this all the time," he says.
"There isn't much else to think about," Sirius retorts.
"Don't think, then," Remus suggests, hoping to get a smile out of Sirius.
Sirius rolls his eyes and drops his head on Remus' shoulder. "Do your parents like me?" He asks.
Remus turns his head a little, letting Sirius' hair brush his cheek. "They adore you. Even my dad,"
Sirius laughs. "Big shocker, that one,"
"Don't flatter yourself too much," Remus laughs, too.
"Will you close your eyes for a minute?" Sirius asks, raising his head.
Remus looks at him, confused. And then he does as told. The newfound darkness brings with it a sense of vulnerability that leaves him almost afraid. He wonders if his ribs are strong enough to contain his wildly beating heart.
He wonders if Sirius is going to kiss him.
And then he wonders if that's a good idea. If it'll ever be a good idea. If there'll ever be a time when he can touch Sirius and not be afraid of what might come after. If they could ever be half of what Remus wishes they were, if they would make it work, if they could—
Soft lips on his cheek, just over his cheekbone. Soft and fleeting like a butterfly wing. It's hesitant and it's quick, but it leaves a tingle in its wake, and its warmth spreads from Remus' cheek to his chest and to his knees, leaving them weak and leaving him helpless.
Struggling to breathe, Remus lets his lips part. He goes still, heart racing and breathing heavy. He waits.
Sirius kisses him once more, a little below where he kissed before. His lips are firmer this time, and linger a bit more.
Before Sirius can kiss him again, Remus' head turns. It's out of reflex more than out of thought, but Sirius doesn't move away. It's hard to tell which one of them is doing it, or if either of them is doing anything at all, but when their lips brush, neither of them draw back.
"Please," Sirius whispers, "Let me have this." Remus isn't sure if he's talking to himself or not.
When they kiss, it's still hard to tell who's doing what. It's hard to tell anything, because Remus can't feel anything beyond Sirius. His cold fingertips leaving Remus' hand to cup his neck, his knee pushing against Remus' thigh, and his soft, warm lips that quiet all of Remus' thoughts... It's all Remus can feel.
Sirius pulls back. It's too soon, and Remus almost reaches out for him again. Their foreheads touch, and for a while, they just stay like that, with their heads together and Sirius' fingers resting on Remus' shoulder.
"I promise you," Sirius finally speaks up, pulling away, "I won't run away like a damsel in distress this time,"
It makes Remus laugh. Sirius is grinning at him, eyes bright. "Shame," Remus teases, "It fits you well, that role,"
Sirius scoffs. "If I'm a damsel in distress, will you be my knight in shining armour?"
They both burst out laughing. "Is that your way of asking for my hand in marriage?" Remus asks.
Sirius smirks at him, wiggling his eyebrows. Then he pulls a serious face. "No, of course not," he says, sounding almost offended. "What am I supposed to do with your hand? I want all of you,"
"At least take me out on a date first," Remus replies, his smile growing wider as he looks at Sirius' shining eyes.
Sirius grins at him. "We can go on a million dates, if that's what you want,"
Remus laughs at him, shaking his head. "Right now, I just think we should go to bed,"
Sirius pouts as Remus stands, and holds his hand out so that Remus can help him up. "Fine," he huffs, "But you'll have to tuck me in,"
"I do that anyway," Remus tells him.
"And give me a good night kiss," Sirius adds, grinning.
Remus laughs at him, taking his hand in his and leading him back inside. "Don't worry," he says, closing the door behind them, "I'll make it two."
***
Author's Note
I was so sick the past two days, my migraines got so bad thought I was going to die— I mean I always think I'm going to die when I get really bad ones but man this one was the worst so far, it lasted two days
Anyway, hope you enjoyed this story that is currently going nowhere but I pRomIsE something will happen. At some point. Hopefully it doesn't take like 293949 more chapters, I'm aware we're all getting tired of this
Vote and comment xx