TW: Substance abuse
I feel like absolute dog shit. A literal pile of shit.
My head is throbbing, body clammy and shaking, both burning hot and freezing cold at the same time. Cold turkeying being sober is the hardest, but it has to be done. My stomach is churning with every shake of my body, a layer of sweat covering me. Today marks day 4 without cocaine and normally the first 5 days are the hardest for me. The whole car ride back I was vomiting, my body detoxing itself from the shit I put into for 2 months, that was the first 48 hours. Yesterday I spent most of my day locked in the bathroom in Harry's room. I took freezing cold showers to shock my body in a different way but also to try and cool myself down. I took boiling hot showers to burn my skin so I didn't try to rip it off.
I fell asleep in the bathroom last night, hunched over the toilet and unable to move without extreme pain. It's now roughly 4 in the morning from what I can tell. I can hear the early morning chirps of birds as I pull myself off of the bathroom floor. Harry tried to come in a couple times, asking if there was anything he could do. I'm hoping he believed the lie I fed him saying I was coming down with a cold. He tried to get me to go to the doctor because it wasn't normal but if I did they would send me right back home, probably just give me fluids and call it good.
I brush my teeth and rinse my mouth with mouthwash to get the disgusting taste out of my mouth, gripping the counter while doing so because the change of elevation makes me feel 10 times worse. My unsteady hand unlocks the bathroom door as quietly as possible to avoid waking Harry up. As I open the door I see him sleeping on his stomach on the bed, the comforter lazily pulled up to cover part of his body. The sunlight beaming through the windows here signifies that it is later in the morning than I expected. I slowly drag my body out of the room, making my way downstairs towards the kitchen in need of water.
I grab a glass from one of the cabinets and fill it half way full with water from the kitchen sink, drinking it down as fast as possible before refilling it. The house is silent, myself being the only person awake. I drink some more water before setting the glass down on the counter and leaning forward to rest my head on it, the coolness of the countertop giving me slight relief to the pound in my head. Everything in me wants to get in a car, find the closest drug dealer, buy a gram and kill all of my symptoms, but that would only make me fall back into my old ways. I was weak, pathetically wasting my days away getting high to avoid life. Existing and not living.
When a cabinet behind me closes I quickly jump up out of fear, the unexpected noise startling me. I quickly turn around and see Liam with a coffee cup in his hands, starting a pot of coffee.
"Someones jumpy." He states while looking over his shoulder at me.
"I thought I was the only one awake." I groan while rubbing my temples.
"I'll keep your secret of relapsing a little longer but you need to tell him." Liam says matter of factly.
"You think I don't know that." I flatly state, irritability laced in my tone.
"You need to go to a meeting today too. I can take you if you want."
"I can do it myself."
"No you can't."
"Yes, actually I can." My irritability grows the more the conversation continues.
"No you can't. You won't actually go. You will say you're going then end up getting high. I think you forget I helped Gemma get sober, I watched the lies she fed Harry. So you can keep feeding him bullshit for all I care but just know I see right through you."
"I'm not feeding him bullshit lies" my voice raises as Liam keeps targeting me.
"Right, so you telling him you are sick wasn't a bullshit lie?"
"It's not a lie, only the half truth."
"Let me know how that works out for you two. Aren't lies the reason you guys aren't really on speaking terms while living in the same house?"
"This is different. This is my own problem that I caused so I'm going to deal with it how I want to. If you have such a problem with it go ahead and tell Harry yourself, see if I give a fuck." I huff before walking out of the kitchen and flopping down on the couch in the living room, continuously rubbing my head in hopes the craving for drugs will leave along with my headache.
"It's not mine to tell. You need to tell him yourself and hold yourself accountable."
"Jesus christ Liam! Please just stop pesturing me about it and for the love of god, shut the fuck up! My head is pounding and it's taking everything in me to not get in a car and go get fucking high!" I angrily shout at him, a split second away from having a full freak out right now.
"What else do you have to say Parker? I know there's something else." He says taking a sip from his coffee with his eyebrows raised at me.
"You know you keep talking about accountability yet you also fucking lied to me! All because you just piggyback off of Harry's money! Hell, you can't even afford to live on your own! That's why you're still living here, you are absolutely nothing without Harry!" I know this isn't the real me talking, shouting hurtful things at Liam right now. It's what happens when someone goes through withdrawals, irritability and aggression towards everyone, even yourself. Harry then comes down the stairs, making his first appearance of the morning, rubbing his puffy eyes from sleep with a yawn.
"What's with all the yelling? It's 7 in the morning." He rasps, his voice laced with sleep clearly being abruptly woken up by my yelling.
"I stubbed my toe." I lie while pulling my knees up to my chest.
"Right you stubbed your toe." Liam says with an eye roll, shaking his head slightly before taking another sip of his coffee.
Harry furrows his brows, shifting his confused gaze back and forth between both Liam and I. Liam continues to stare me down, calling me out on my lie without physically speaking it. Harry ends up not questioning it further and walks into the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee.
"Parker, how are you feeling this morning?" Harry speaks with his back turned to me.
"Still feel like I'm going to puke every 5 seconds, Harry. I told you it's probably just a stomach bug." I slightly snap at him.
"I still think you should go to the doctor. I can take you in a little bit if you want."
"You know what, I'll go to the doctor. Are you happy now?" I keep my snappy tone towards him, not on purpose but my emotional control is a little all over the place and really the least of problems when all I can think about is cocaine.
"Okay, we can go in like 15 minutes." He suggests keeping a calm and soft tone with me, most likely in fear of pissing me off more than I already am.
"No need. I'll take myself." I say quickly and push up off of the couch.
I quickly walk up the stairs as a million thoughts rush through my brain. Once I push into Harry's room I quickly head into the closet and change out of my soft cotton shorts and sweater into a baggy pair of pants and a tight cropped, red tank top. I slip on a pair of black vans before going into the bathroom and brushing out my hair slightly before pulling it back into a low ponytail. I get ready as if I'm actually going to the doctor but there are other plans, one being I need a phone and a car, then I'm calling up some very old friends and getting rid of this ache coursing through my body. I look through my old nightstand in search of my wallet and grab it, carrying my ID, my debit card and some cash. I walk back downstairs and see Liam and Harry still standing in the kitchen quietly talking amongst themselves.
"I need your phone." I tell Harry, my foot lightly tapping on the tile of the kitchen floor.
"Just let me take you." Harry tries to reason with me but if he comes with me then I can't go do the one thing I really want to.
"Goddamnit Harry, just give me your phone. I'll text Liam with updates." I hold my hand out in expectancy for him to hand me his phone, my patience wearing thin as my foot begins to tap faster on the tile flooring.
Harry reluctantly hands me his phone and goes to speak but I quickly rush out of the kitchen and towards the garage. I grab the keys to Harry's orange convertible and push the garage door opener before climbing into the car and immediately starting it. Backing out of the garage and driving up the driveway, the gate being opened for me I quickly dial the number that will forever be ingrained into my brain. A number I haven't called in almost 2 years but never changes.
"Hello?" The groggy familiar voice rings through, solidifying that I'm getting high today.
"Julian, it's Parker. Please tell me you have something for me." I practically beg, as a speed down roads heading towards his house. The house I was in multiple times after I moved here my senior year, the house I got high in multiple times, the house that made me want to never be sober ever again.
"Oh shit! Parker, we've missed you dude! It's on the house today, come by at like 12 and I'll have all of the fixings. This calls for a small party with everyone."
"Everyone?"
"Yeah, the old crew. Everyone still hangs out minus you. They would love to see your face again." Julian confirms who all will be there.
"See you at noon." I say into the phone before quickly hanging up and deciding on driving around for the next couple hours until I can finally get my fix.
***
This is the happiest I've been in months. My body is quite literally bursting at the seams with an immense amount of joy, love and pretty much any positive emotion that exists in the world. With all of this positivity conducting in my veins all of the pain, heartbreak, anger, withdrawals, every single one of my problems merely seems like a bad dream. They never existed, the only thing existing in this very moment is myself and the copious amounts of cocaine I've ingested.
I have no idea how long I've been here nor do I have any idea how much cocaine I've put into my system in that amount of time but, what I do know is I don't give a fuck. I'm barely even conscious enough to give a fuck about anything. Not about the fact that I faked my death. Not about the fact that Harry lied. Not about the fact that I have no idea what's going on around me or the fact that nobody knows where I am. I'm on top of the fucking world and nothing is going to bring me down.
As Julian promised, the whole group of people I hungout with my senior year is here. There were 6 of us, Julian and myself included. There's Rebecca, a tall blonde haired woman with gauged ears and a couple face tattoos, she was a year below us from what I remember and never stopped talking until she had drugs in her system. Literally any drug, she never cared just as long as it got her high. Garret, a guy with your typical hippie stoner look, eyes always glazed over due to the use of either weed, cocaine or heroin. Garret's girlfriend, Jackie. I'm pretty sure she's the one who got him into heroin in the first place but she's always been nothing but nice, comes from some crazy rich family and hides her addiction well. Then there's Willow, the girl who only does psychedelics for the aesthetic, hangs out with all the washed up high school drug addicts because it's an easy way to get drugs for free, and fucks just about anyone in the group because she's bored. We all loved her cause she wasn't that bad to hangout around, minus her super judgmental comments about our lifestyles but, she wasn't any better than the rest of us.
We are all piled onto the couch in Julian's living room with minimal conversation happening between us, all of us far too inebriated and in our own minds to fully comprehend a conversation let alone form a coherent sentence. There's some small chatter between Julian, Garret and Jackie but I'm too cracked out to try and listen to it. My nose is clogged on both sides from snorting continuous lines. I've tried to blow my nose to unclog it in need of some relief from the slight pain but also so I can snort more. I don't think I've binged this bad in a very, very long time.
"So where the fuck have you been Parker?" Rebecca says from the far side of the couch, opposite of me, pulling me out of my trance of exhaustion induced by my body trying to burn through all of the coke.
I blink my eyes that for sure have pupils so dilated that you could barely see the light hazel color to them a couple times and adjust my heavy weighted body in my seat before speaking, "all over the place."
"Weren't you sober for a hot minute?" She then questions.
"I guess. Haven't been clean for a few months now, there wasn't really a point to it anymore." I mumble out, not really sure if the words coming out of my mouth are making sense or not.
"Didn't your ass die?" Willow cuts in from next to me.
"Something like that. Anyone know what time it is?" My voice coming out more slurred than I would like it to be, my skin feels like there is an open flame pressed against it.
"It's like 3 in the morning I think."
Fuck. I've been gone for 20 hours. I unsteadily pull my body forward and reach out to grab Harry's phone off of the coffee table in front of me. I hold down the power button to turn it back on after turning it off once I got here to avoid any contact from anyone, more importantly avoiding contact from Harry. I have no idea how I'm going to explain this because by now he has figured out I didn't go to the doctors. Liam has probably told him I relapsed and that's going to be a whole different thing I will have to deal with on top of everything else. I feel fucking nausous jsut thinking about it.
Once Harry's phone is powered back on, endless numbers of text messages and missed phone calls pop onto the screen and without thinking I tap the screen to call Liam in hopes he's the one that actually answers instead of Harry. I have to close my eyes to stop the room from spinning.
"Parker? Where the fuck are you? It's 3 in the morning!" Harry's worried voice immediately rings through the phone after the second ring.
I run off what I want to say a couple times in my head so when I speak it actually makes sense instead of a jumbled, mumbled mess, "your phone died. I went to the doctor and they said it was just a cold, ran into some old friends that I haven't seen in a while and ended up hanging out with them. I fell asleep on accident but my head really hurts so I can't drive. Can you come pick me up?"
"Text me the address. I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Slight problem. I can't open my eyes without everything spinning so, can you just do that weird phone tracking thingy?" I mumble out while my body starts feeling heavier, falling back so I'm completely slumped on the couch, my head slightly resting on Willow's shoulder.
"I'll be there in 15 minutes." Harry sighs out before hanging up the phone.
I let the phone drop out of my hand and onto my lap, basking in the feeling of being completely and utterly numb. Teetering on the edge of a cliff that's inside my own body, the bottom being death and the crumbs of the edge that my life is standing on being the most exhilarating feeling in the world. My breathing slows down while my heart picks up pace, beating so rapidly it could break out of my chest cavity.
I'm on top of the fucking world.
Harry's POV
What I said would be a 15 minute drive to Parker's location ended up being about 10 minutes due to my speeding. One the phone she sounded so out of it, pair that with the small chatter in the background, something isn't right. I don't bother turning off my car once I park it right behind the orange convertible Parker drove earlier, rushing out of the car and up to the front door.
I knock a couple times, standing with my arms behind my back and rocking on the balls of my feet, patiently waiting for the door to be opened. I don't want to just barrage into the house unannounced without any idea of what I'm walking into. There's some slight movement behind the door, sounding like scrambling to either answer the door or hide something.
As I'm about to knock again, my fisted hand hovering against the door it's pulled open. I'm met with a shorter man than myself with dark brown hair and furrowed brows.
"I'm here for Parker." I state while slightly peering into the open space behind him.
"She's passed out on the couch, come on in." The man shrugs, pulling the door open wider for me to step in.
I gently push past him and follow the sound of talking into the dark living room where there are 5 people piled onto a fairly small couch, just barely big enough to accommodate everyone resting on it. Parker's sleeping body rests against the shoulder of the woman beside her, clearly passed out. I stride my way over to her, squatting down in front of her, rubbing small circles on her leg in an attempt to wake her up. When that doesn't seem to work I lightly shake her leg.
Parker's eyes slowly peel open and a lazy half smile forms on her lips before her eyes close again. "Carolina, baby, you gotta wake up. Let's get you home." I softly say without a care who here hears me speak the words.
Her chest rises and falls at an extremely slow pace with each breath she takes, too overcomed by sleep to really listen to my words. I continuously try to fully wake her up but have no luck so I stand up and tuck my arms underneath her body, lifting her up and carrying her bridal style. Her head falls completely back, body being dead weight in my arms. I see my phone on the couch and bend down slightly to pick it up without disturbing the sleeping woman in my arms, tucking it into the front pocket of my jeans.
I take one last look at everyone in the room who seems to be focused on each other rather than the acts between Parker and I, too entranced in whatever conversation going on between them to care about her leaving. I shake my head before making my way back to the front door, struggling with the door knob a bit before it finaling opening it. I pull the door closed behind us, walking back to my car and opening the passenger side to set her body in the seat. She's not much help while passed out, her body moving around like a rag doll as I try to pull the seat belt over her body and adjust her so her neck doesn't get strained by her head dropping forward.
Once I'm somewhat satisfied with her positioning I close the passenger door and walk over to the driver's side. I drive off back to the house, repeatedly looking over to Parker to make sure she's still doing okay. She's so fucking out of it, there's no way this is just a cold. I'll take her to a different doctor in the morning no matter how much of a fight she puts up about it. This isn't normal. Her breathing is shallow and a little unsteady.
I pull my phone out of my front pocket while driving back to the house and call Callie. She knows Parker is alive, I called her while I was driving us back from Canada while Parker was sleeping. I really don't want this to be their reunion but I'm stuck on what else to do, feeling completely helpless in this situation. Plus Parker hasn't been in the right state of mind since we got back to handle seeing Callie at the moment.
"Harry?" Callie's sleepy voice questions with a groan.
"Callie, I'm sorry to wake you up. I know it's late but Parker isn't doing well. She's sick and I have no idea what to do. She went to the doctor today and they said it was just a cold but it seems to be getting worse." I explain quietly.
"Are you in the car?"
"Yeah I had to pick her up."
"Okay, I'll meet you at your house." She yawns out before hanging up.
Unintelligible mumbles leave Parker's mouth as we get closer to the house, groans sounding like she's in pain following each movement of nonsense. I type in the gate code and drive down the driveway, I'll get the convertible sometime tomorrow. I turn off the car and see Callies car in the driveway as well, she beat us here. I climb out and pick up Parker out of the passenger's seat, closing the door with my foot and carrying her into the house.
I walk upstairs and into our bedroom, placing her down on the bed next to Callie who's sitting criss crossed on my side of the bed. Parker's body is so limp, her breathing still shallow and unsteady. Callie takes in the scene in front of her, looking over Parker's body sprawled out on her side of the bed.
"You said she was sick right?" Callie questions.
"Yeah she was vomiting the whole way back from Canada and all day yesterday. Shaking like she had a fever and super exhausted. Now she's having a hard time breathing and she's covered in a layer of sweat."
Callie shakes Parker a little bit in an attempt to wake her up, her eyes slowly peeling open looking at Callie briefly. Her eyes start to close again but Callie keeps them open with her fingers slightly, inspecting her eyes again and again.
"Fuck," Callie huffs out.
"What is it?"
"She's not sick."
"So then what's wrong with her?" I confusingly say, still not quite sure why her not being sick is better or worse than whatever is wrong with her.
"She's high. We need to get her into the shower, like right now." Callie states while lifting up Parker's limp body. I help her out by picking up Parker once again and walking into the bathroom with her in my arms. Callie opens the glass door of the shower and turns the shower on cold water.
"Set her on the shower floor." Callie instructs me.
"Callie the water's freezing, I'm not doing that."
"Harry, if you don't she could die. Her symptoms are showing that she's close to overdosing, plus we have no idea how much she's taken. Put her on the shower floor."
I look at her then look at the woman I love, lying in my arms barely conscious, hanging on the edge between life and death. I've lost her once and I'll be damned if I let myself lose her again. I step into the freezing water of the shower, opting to endure the harsh temperature with her so she doesn't have to face this alone. The cold water makes my body immediately shiver, goosebumps covering my skin.
"I'm calling an ambulance. You need to try and get her conscious enough to keep her eyes open." Callie says before stepping out of the bathroom and back into our room.
I run my fingers through Parker's wet hair, seeing goosebumps covering her skin as well. I'm hoping a form of physical touch besides me holding her will make her open her eyes. I take slow, deep breaths, trying to keep myself from panicking over this. If I stay calm and collected it might help keep her awake.
I place a soft and gentle kiss on her forehead, continuing to stroke her hair, "it's freezing," she ends up whispering.
I jump back slightly not expecting her to speak, just merely open her eyes. I peer into her eyes with dilated pupils, blocking out the beautiful color to them. The whites of her eyes are bloodshot, the bags under her eyes more prominent than ever. Her tired eyes will be the death of me.
"I know baby, I'll turn it off." I reach up to the shower handle and halt the ice cold water from hitting our skin.
"Why are we in the shower?" She mumbles, looking around at a loss for how she got here.
"You had a long night. What do you remember?"
"Um, I was at Julian's house. We uh, we got high. From there it's all kind of a blur." She sighs, shivering in my hold, "I lied to you. I said I was going to go to the doctor but instead, I went and got high. I wasn't sick, I was going through withdrawals and didn't want to tell you."
"I know, I know. It's okay-"
"Harry the ambulance is here!" Callie shouts while entering the bathroom again followed by 2 paramedics.
"Why are the paramedics here?" Parker questions, suddenly starting to panic.
"They are here to help you. Everything's going to be alright."
The truest words I've ever spoken. Everything will be alright, if not then we will make it alright. We somehow always find a way to come back from everything, nothing will keep us apart. From this day on, we will always be together. Through the better and through the worst.
-AUTHORS NOTE-
I've got some things up my sleeve... I've very excited about them. You all will be too.
Don't forget to vote!
KISSES!!!