So.. remember that Bayrus one shot I wrote last year? Yung post # 3 dito sa Anthology? I edited it.. and this happened.
This one's angstier and longer. Again, alternate universe po ito ng If I Fall. Walang Vicky arc, walang Bayruseth at.. ganun pa rin ang ending. This is not a TMEUAS spoiler, okay? ;)
The Woman In White
By shirlengtearjerky (Leng de Chavez)
**
The color red will always remind him of her.
**
Isa sa ginagawa niya during his pastime ay ang mag-assign ng kulay para sa mga taong interesting sa taste niya.
Yellow – cheerful
Blue – emo/serious
Brown – down to earth
Green – open minded
Orange – matakaw
Violet – caring
Gray – unknown
Siya ang gumawa ng sarili niyang color wheel of personality, at yan ang mga madalas niyang ginagamit na kulay for classification. Madali lang naman para sa kanya ang mag-assign ng kulay. Usually basis niya ang first impression niya sa tao. Kilala siya sa Charleston Academy kaya hindi naging mahirap sa kanyang lapitan ang interesting people.
Paulit-ulit na ang mga kulay na ginagamit niya sa mga taga-Charleston. Nangunguna ang yellow, sumunod ang brown, violet at green. Once na may naassign na siyang kulay, mas madali na siyang makibagay sa taong ‘yon.
That’s why it took him almost three years to pick a color for Barbs.
**
Ilang beses na niyang nakikita at nakakasama noon sa iisang room si Barbs. Palagi niya itong inoobserbahan pero wala siyang mapiling kulay para dito. Lahat kasi ng usual colors sa kanyang personality wheel ay akma para sa kanya:
Yellow - wagas kung makatawa sa kung anu-anong bagay kahit hindi naman talaga nakakatawa
Blue – madalas niyang nakikitang nag-eemo ito sa classroom, at once sa rooftop
Brown – Kahit obvious na gutom na gutom siya, binigay ni Barbs ang huling piraso ng torpedo sandwich ni Ate Mayaman sa isang bata
Orange – pero sa normal na araw nangunguna ito sa paghingi ng extra extra rice
Violet – lalo na sa mga kabarkada at sa Charleston Ravenettes
Green – lahat na lang binigyan ng double meaning. At siya lang ang babaeng kilala niya na tumatawa pag naririnig ang number 69
Gray – at kahit anong gawin niyang pagmamasid, he doesn’t get her most of the time
Nahirapan siya sa pagpili. Kulang pag isang kulay lang, parang hindi kumpleto ang personality ni Barbs. OA naman pag nilahat niya. Ngayon lang siya nahirapang pumili ng isang kulay.
Then one day, during their CAT training (3rd year), he finally picked one.
Red.
**
Extroverted, optimistic (minsan lang naman, madalas pessimistic si Barbs), courageous, confident..
Center of attention (kahit pinagpipilitan niyang non-conformist siya)
Ambitious and competitive
Impulsive, always in a hurry
Agrressive and easily to get angry (all the time but somehow she’s tolerable)
Strong need for power and control (case in point, CAT & Charleston Herald)
Know-it-all, not wanting to appear unintelligent or ignorant
Overactive ego
Satisfied siya sa personality description para sa red people, saktong-sakto kay Barbs.
May isa pa siyang dinagdag, the night when he realized he’s in love with her.
Red symbolizes her ability to love people In her own unconventional way. Red represents her heart.
**
If I were getting married, gusto ko ng red wedding gown,” she told them one night, alongside poker, mixed drinks, poor karaoke song choices and curse words. Barbs looked half-serious, half-amused for some reason. Red wedding kung red wedding. George R. R. Martin can kiss my feet.
(Marriage. Kinikilabutan kapag sinasabi ni Barbs ang salitang 'yon. She had lost faith in that word for a long time.Nagi-guilty tuloy siya.)
Si Barbs yan, alam bilang lahat na nagbibiro lang ito (Yuck! Ako, ikakasal? Kelan pa pumuti ang uwak girl?). It took them almost a decade of training ng Barbara Ramirez Sarcasm 101 para maintindihan ang kaibigan. She was very vocal about her stance against marriage.
Never akong magpapakasal, itaga niyo pa yan sa lahat ng bato dito sa mundo.Tsaka hello, rare species na lang kaming independent women sa Earth! Papanindigan ko ang pagiging non-comformist hanggang sa mamatay ako!
(Pero alam niyang hindi 'yon ang totoong dahilan ni Barbs. College graduation niya nung kausapin siya ni Barbs, the first time in almost six years of absence. Kunwari walang awkwardness sa kanilang dalawa. Kung anu-ano ang pinag-usapan nila hanggang sa napunta sila sa usapang kasalan. Ikakasal na kasi ang adviser nila nung 4th year.
"Ikaw ba? Girlfriend?"she inquired him coolly. Umiling siya. "Oh. Sorry I asked."
Kinapalan na niya ang mukha niya at binalik ang tanong kay Barbs. Tumawa lang ito.
"Naah. Too busy with the newspaper shite. No time for that." Nakahinga siya nang maluwag. Akala niya may boyfriend na ito.
Pinag-usapan din nila ang wedding proposal ni Wes kay Rocky na nangyari few weeks before the graduation.
"Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit sila atat magpakasal," he heard her say. "They're just.. 23? Way too young for marriage!"
He countered her, na sa kasalan naman talaga ang hantungan ng Rodriguez couple, dumaan lang sila sa shortcut. To his surprise, Barbs nodded in agreement but..
"Fine. Sila na magpapaksal. At least mararanasan kong magsuot ng bridesmaid dress. Kasi sila.. hindi nila mararanasan sa'kin 'yon."
Takot na takot siyang marainig ang sagot ni Barbs sa tanong na Hindika ba magpapakasal?
"Naaahh.. It's not for me, anyway," she shrugged as if she was asked about the weather or any mundane thing. "Naimagine mo na bang ikakasal ako? God, the horror! No way."
He managed to ask why without offending her. Natandaan din niyang huminga.
Barbs hesitated to answer at first, pero bumigay din ito.
"I've disappointed a lot of people in my life. Ba't ko pa dadagdagan ang listahan ko?")
(Minsan, kapag nirereplay niya ang conversation na 'yon sa utak niya, "You've disapointed me,Cyrus. Lahat kasalanan mo" ang naririnig niya.
And after all these years, ganun nga ang nararamdaman niya.)
**
She had a fair share of flings and boyfriends throughout the years, and he knows them all. Karamihan sa kanila hindi niya gusto, may ilang dumaan na kaselos-selos.
(He got mad when he first heard about Barbs' new boyfriend. Liar, you're such a fucking liar. Nagreplay sa utak niya ang conversation nila nung graduation. She'd fucked him up then. Naniniwala siyang sinabi lang ni Barbs 'yon para lumayo siya sa kanya.
He got the message, alright. But fuck you, Ramirez.)
Wala namang sineryoso si Barbs sa mga lalaking ‘yon. They come and go ang drama nito sa mga lalaki. She never shed a tear for them. After all, napagod na siya sa kakaiyak para sa isang lalaki years back. Never again.
(It was his fault. He will bear that cross in this lifetime and the next.)
**
Once, tinanong niya si Barbs (lasing ata silang dalawa nun, with friends of course) kung siya ba ang dahilan ng attitude nito towards guys.
Barbs raised an eyebrow and threw him her Seriously? stare. “Come on, Casabueno. That was so high school! Why dwell on juvenile things? Drink up, old guy.”
And she smiled at him.
(Bihira lang niyang makitang ngumiti si Barbs. At kapag nangyayari 'yon, nakalimutan niyang siya ang nagnakaw ng mga ngiting 'yon sa kanya.)
50-50 siya noon kung maniniwala ba siya o hindi.
**
I’ve never met a guy who could potentially and literally sweep me off my feet. All of them are stupid, anyway. I don’t want to waste my time and energy to nonsensical things. Someone for everyone? That’s bullshit. I am my own person. I could live on my own.
Kaso isang umaga, kinain ni Barbs ang lahat ng sinabi niya.
**
Barbs is still a girl (or woman). Sumagi na rin sa isip niya ang what if..may taong nakalaan para sa kanya (itatanggi niya yan, but people around her know better). Isang beses pa lang siya nasasaktan sa buhay niya, at dahil dun ayaw na niyang umulit pa. (Alam niyang closet hopeless romantic si Barbs. Siya lang naman ang nakakaalam ng sikreto nito nung high school. And besides, she couldn't lie to him. That was before he fucked up everything.)
She eventually moved on with her life and on to different guys. Yet she kept cautious, not giving her all. Deep inside lies a hope, that someday, somebody could prove her wrong. That someone is worth risking for, worth fighting for.
Pero sa paglipas ng panahon ay unti-unti siyang nawalan ng pag-asa. Pare-parehas lang na lalaki ang nakilala niya. Gusto lang niya ng kasamang kumain at taga-hatid sa bahay pagkatapos ng trabaho. Oo, masaya naman siya sa company ng mga naging boyfriend niya..pero lagi siyang malungkot pag nadadatnang walang naghihintay sa kanya sa apartment pag-uwi.
She never liked surprises.
But he surprised her in the most appealing way possible.
**
It took her two years, a very spontaneous wedding proposal and the perfectly imperfect guy to change her mind.
I’m wearing white. Baka i-condemn ako ng pari pag hindi ako nagsuot ng white wedding dresss, a very sober and blooming Barbara Ramirez told them during a lunch date. It was a week after he proposed, and everyone’s still stoked about her getting married. No one saw this one coming..ever. Pati nga si Barbs, hindi pa rin makapaniwala na nagpauto siya sa proposal na ‘yun. She has doubts about the wedding (of course, she’s Barbs. She’ll doubt everything)but the unfamiliar yet heartwarming weight on her left ring finger washes those fears away.
Nakagawian na sa barkada nila na mag-assign ng iba’t ibang tasks para sa mga importanteng okasyon sa buhay nila. Si Janine ang nagprisintang magdesign at manahi ng gown ni Barbs. Wedding music and band ang sagot niRocky. Sa wedding invitations nakatoka sina Chester at Vivien. Si Wes naman ang bahala sa venue ng kasal at reception.
In the middle of the tasking, Barbs looked at him and smiled.
She’s too happy it could be a crime.
(He didn't know what to feel about it.)
**
In his darkest moments (this, for example), lagi niyang binabalikan ang araw kung kelan niya narealize na mahal niya si Barbara Ramirez.
Fourth year high school.
It had been one of his worst days ever. Nakatambak sa table niya ang unedited articles para sa next issue ng Charleston Herald. Paspasan ang practices ng Charleston Ravenspara sa elimination game sa November. Naka-confine pa ang Lola Babes niya.Pahabol pa ang panirang gadget nila sa Investigatory Project.
(For the first time in his life, sagad sa buto ang pagod na naramdaman niya.)
Sa CAT HQ muna siya nagtago, at least dun tahimik at makakapagrelax siya.
Wala pang limang minuto ang pagpapahinga niya nang dumating si Barbs.
"Oh, ba't andito ka?"she asked him nonchalantly. Si Barbs ang Batallion Commander nila, two ranks higher than him. Sa sobrang pagod niya, hindi na siya tumayo para magcourtesy.
"Oy Casabueno, kinakausap kita. Okay ka lang ba?"
(That surprised him. First time siyang tanungin ni Barbs ng ganun. Gusto niyang itanong kung may sakit ba si Barbs o wala.)
Sinagot nita ito, na okay lang naman siya at pagod lang 'yon. Mukhang hindi naniwala sa kanya si Barbs pero wala itong sinabi.
Umupo si Barbs sa mga pinagpatong-pataong na rifle na adjacent sa table niya. Tinanggal nito ang beret at boknay at nagsuklay ng buhok.
"Nabasa mo ba yung note ni Ms. Medina? Para sa graduating class?"asar na tanong nito habang nagtatali ng buhok. "Dapat daw may mock defense tayo! Can you believe that? Parang ang dali ng IP ha! Wala pa nga kaming gadget nina Chester eh! Kayo ba ni Vivien oks na? Swerte mo talaga na groupmate mo siya!"
Sanay na siya sa kadaldalan ni Barbs. Sa apat na taon niya sa Charleston, this year lang sila naging magkaklase at seatmates pa sila. Kahit noon pa ay medyo ilag na siya rito (Barbara Ramirez, the Cuss Machine) pero eventually naintindihan na rin niya ang ugali ni Barbs. She's definitely a spectrum of colors (dominantly red, of course.).
Gusto niyang patahimikin si Barbs dahil rinding-rindi na siya sa ingay nito. Kaso, hindi 'yon ang nasabi niya.
"Ha? Pagod ka na?'tanong ulit sa kanya ni Barbs. Tumayo siya at naglakad papunta sa kanya."Holy shit, natutulog ka pa ba? Eyebags galore!"
He assumed na walang pakialam si Barbs sa ikukwento niya (lalo na sa mga taong hindi niya kaclose). Inaasar (at pinatunayan naman niya) ng barakada na bato ang puso ni Barbs.
Kinain niya lahat ng assumptions niya nang hinawakan ni Barbs ang kamay niya at pinisil ito.
"Sa cancer din nadeads ang lola ko. Liver, actually," she said sadly, gripping his hand a little tighter. (This was the first time he saw her vulnerable. He could never forget those sad black eyes staring at him.) "Just.. be strong for her okay? Pero.. wag mong kakalimutan ang sarili mo. Matulog ka. Mukha kang ewan eh."
(Her touch felt like a slow burn on his skin. Her proximity did all sorts of unknown things to his core. He felt he's breathing and suffocating at the same time.)
Nagthank you siya kay Barbs at pinanood niyang lumabas ito ng CAT HQ. Yun lang, wala na siyang ginawa kundi isipin si Barbs.
(Was that love? He fell in love before but not quite like this. This was more intense, more terrifying than the first one.
God. I do really love her, don't I?
But why?)
(That question remained unanswered up to this day.)
**
He never thought the color white could fit her, too.
People with white personality are
neat and immaculate with their appearance
have impeccable standards
discreet
cautious, practical and careful with money
can be quite sexually prudish
Hindi naman sa sinasabi niyang hindi ganyan si Barbs (Boy, was she even prudish!), pero mas bagay sa kanya ang red. In his eyes, she’ll always be a red girl in a white dress.
White wedding dress.
(The thought of her wearing one makes him happy and sad at the same time.)
(Liar. The mere thought of her getting married to someone else kills him. Every. Single. Time.)
**
Apparently mas nakakapag-usap sila nang matino kapag parehas silang lasing.
Ayaw mo bang..
Come on, Casabueno. Just say it. Hindi ako magagalit, girl’s scouts honor!
Naaahh..don’t mind me.
Sige, mag-inarte ka.Lalo akong magagalit sa’yo.
Akala ko ba hindi ka magagalit?
You’re stalling. Now say it.
Hindi mo ba..hindi ba pumasok sa isip mo na.. magbackout? (stupidstupidstupid)
And waste the money? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!
Hindi nga, seryoso. Never mong naisip na magbackout?
(Gusto niyang marinig na oo, natatakot ako, Cyrus. I don’t know why the fuck am I doing this. Hindi ako sigurado kung mahal ko ba talaga siya o malungkot lang ako kaya ko siya sinagot. I.. I don't know what to do anymore.
Malaki ang pinagbago ni Barbs. Hinding-hindi niya maririnig na sasabihin 'yan ng babaeng mahal niya, to him at least.)
Listen to me, okay? Yes, I’m damn impulsive. Sabi mo nga dati ako ang pinakaimpulsive na taong nakilala mo ever. Pero itong desisyong magpakasal?Hindi ‘to impulsive move. I’m serious about this, about us. Of all people, I didn’t expect you to doubt my intentions.
(He hated every single word for breaking him again.)
I’m sorry. Naninigurado lang ako.
Seryoso talaga ako dito, Cyrus. To the point na natatakot na ako, but not enough to run away. This is life long commitment for fuck’s sake! Ni ako hindi ko naimagine na aabot ako sa ganito. Sobrang out of body experience ‘to para sa’kin. Pero..fuck. I feel great!
What made you decide on this?
She smiled again, which made him uneasy for a moment. Mas dumalas na ang pagngiti ni Barbs compared nung mga teenager pa sila. It’s a good thing for her, mas gumaganda siya pag nakangiti.
I just woke up one day and realized why it never worked with anyone else.
(With anyone else. That included him, probably topping the list of those fucking assholes who were never good enough.
Scratch that, he wasn't not good enough for her. A decade and half ago, siya nga mismong umayaw bago pa niya malaman ang sagot.)
(An epiphany: he had dug his grave a decade and half ago. It was all his fault.)
**
In his darkest moments (this, for example), lagi niyang binabalikan ang araw kung kelan nawala si Barbs sa kanya.
(Ginagawa niya 'to para magsisi siya, para magising siya sa katotohanan na siya ang unang nanakit sa kanilang dalawa. Na kasalanan niya ang lahat. Na siya naman ngayon ang dapat magdusa sa sakit.)
Fourth year high school. Graduation.
"So.. ano nga pala 'yon?"he heard Barbs whisper amidst the loud noises fromt he crowd. Kakatapos lang ng commencement exercises at rinig sa multi purpose hall ng Charleston Academy ang hiyawan, iyakan ay tawanan ng batchmates nila.Finally, they're not high school students anymore. In just twomonths, nasa iba't ibang universities na sila, nagsisimula na sa bagong parte ng buhay nila.
He stared at her intently, finding (grasping) the words to say. Kinakatakutan niya na dumating ang moment na 'to. Alam naman niyang dadating sa point na kailangan nilang mag-usap. He was the one who initiated this pero ngayon? Naduwag na siya.
(Sa totoo lang, hindi niya inexpect na aabot sila sa point na 'yon. Naging close silang dalawa after that fateful day sa CAT HQ. Nahirapan siyang kunin ang loob at first. Hindi kasi basta-basta nagtitiwala si Barbara Ramirez.)
"Uhh.. Casabueno?"
(Ilang beses niyang pinilit si Barbs na tawagin siyang Cyrus pero tinawanan lang siya nito. Parang engot yung pangalan mo, ‘di bagay sa’yo? sabi ni Barbs habang nagsasagot sila ng Math seatwork. Napaisip tuloy siya na papalitan ang pangalan niya.)
He had to step a little closed to her para ‘di siya masingit sa ibang pictures. Barbs took a small step back, at dun lang niya naalala ang nangyari nung last time na ganito sila kalapit sa isa’t isa.
(He accidentally kissed her once, after niyang iligtas si Barbs mula sa bumagsak na jalousie. It was just a chaste kiss yet it felt.. different. Way different than the kisses he had shared with his ex. Hindi niya alam kung bakkit naalala niya ang accidental kiss na ‘yon at that moment.)
“Ano kasi.. may sasabihin ka ba?” he inwardly winced upon hearing Barbs’ expecting tone.
(Marami siyang gusting sabihian: na thankful siya sa bawat oras na kinomfort ni Barbs nang mamatay si Lola Babes, na thank you sa pagpapaganda ng yearbook write up nila, na sorry kung hindi siya nakakuha ng PBA tickets na pinapabili niya weeks ago.
Gusto niyang sabihin n amedyo bagay sa kanya ang red lipstick na suot niya ngayong Graduation. Na in just months ang laki ng pinagbago niya. She became more carefree, more relaxed and more open than before. Gusto niyang magthank you sa lahat ng oras na nagkasama sila.)
He wanted (needed) to tell Barbs that he loved her.
Pero ang tanging nasabi niya?
“Ano.. Barbs. I don’t think this could work. In the future, I mean.”
Barbs just stared at her, eyes filled with disappointment, hurt and anger. (At that moment, gustong-gusto niyang bawiin ang sinabi niya. Pero hindi na. alam niyang hinding-hindi na makakalimutan ni Barbs ‘yon.)
“Ah.. okay,” Barbs sarcastically laughed loudly, so loud na napatingin sa kanya ang mga batchmate nila sa kanya. Para siyang tanga sa kakatawa, halatang pilit na pilit. She looked at everything, everyone but him. (He couldn’t stand seeing her like this. Pero kasalanan naman niya, ‘di ba?)
Her laugh slowly subsided, and finally, her black orbs pierced into his. “Tangina, Casabueno. Ang galling mong magjoke ha,” sabi ni Barbs, habang umiiling. “Lahat pala joke. Sorry if I assumed. Well.. forget that I said anything. Goodluck sa college. Iiwasan na lang kita sa campus.”
With one final look, Barbs walked away from him.
(And it was all his fault.)
(Hindi ka nag-assume, Barbs, he wanted to say, Meron talaga. Kaso.. sorry. Hindi ko kaya.)
He should’ve ran after her and told her he’s sorry. He should’ve hugged her in front of everyone. He should’ve begged for her forgiveness. He should’ve s—
but it’s too late. Alam niyang hindi na magbabago ang isip ni Barbs.
(He didn’t know why the sight of Barbs walking away from her hurts like hell. Hindi niya alam kung dahil ba sinabi niya o sa reaction ni Barbs o sa pagkatanga niya o dahil alam niyan hindi na mauulit pa ang chance na ‘yon.
And it was all his fault.)
**
Hindi rin sila nagkita ni Barbs sa campus. Tinotoo nga nito ang sinabi niya nung graduation.
Alam niya kung saan nakatira ito (roommates sila ni Vivien sa may Katipunan) at ang schedule nito (thanks to Wes’ laptop) pero hindi siya nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na puntahan siya. Natatakot siyang Makita na galit ito sakanya. (Hindi niya ginustong magalit sa kanya si Barbs. Kahit kelan. Pero ginawa pa rin siya.)
Araw-araw niyang sinasabi sa sarili na kakausapin niya ito. (Today, you will tell her you’re sorry. That you’ve always loved her. Tell her that, Cyrus. Fucking tell her that.)
Kaso isang taon na ang lumipas, wala pa ring nangyari. Hindi pa rin niya nasabi.
Come summer before second year college, nalaman na lang niya (accidentally, from Chester) na magmimigrate na ang family ni Barbs sa England at dun na rin siya mag-aaral.
(Nasa basketball practive siya nang mawrong send si Chester sa kanya. May get together daw ang barkada para kay Barbs. Muntikan nang mahulog ang phone niya. He forgot to breathe. All he could think about was Barbs leaving him. Ni hindi na siya nakabnalik sa practice. Ni hindi na rin niya nireplyan si Chester sa text nitong Sorry wrong send. Pero punta ka na rin, invited naman ang Archi.
Hindi niya alam kung anong gagawin niya.)
In the end, nakaalis si Barbs ng Pilipinas na hindi nalalaman ang dahilan niya.
(Nagsisisi pa rin siya. Lalo na ngayon.)
**
The truth is, nahihiya siyang sabihin kay Barbs ang dahilan niya.
Paano niya maipapaliwanag kay Barbs na natakot siya? Na natatakot siya na baka hindi sila magtagal? Na baka baling araw iwan siya kung kelan mahal na mahal na niya ito? (Ganun kasi si Barbs, siya dapat ang mang-iiwan, never siya ang iiwanan. Love was never fair for her.)
Ayaw niyang maiwan. Ilang beses na siyang iniwan ng mga tao (importanteng taong) sa buhay niya (his biological parents, si Tatin, si Lola Babes) kaya nag-ingat siya pagdating kay Barbs.)
(He couldn’t let her destroy him, too. Thrice was enough.)
Oo, duwag siya. Ni hindi man lang niya nagawang i-risj ang lahat para kay barbs. Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t love her that much (back then. Look at him now, practically and pathetically dying because of her.)
Akala niya kasi dadating sa point na matutuloy pa ang naudlot nilang kwento. Tatlo lang naman ang kakahantungan nila eh. Pwedeng maging sila, pwedeng closure lang (how he hated that word) o wala lang, paikot-ikot lang sila.
(Sometimes, hinihiling niya na sana, sana.. hindi na lang niya nakilala si Barbs.
Kasi kahit umiwas siya noon, mas nasasaktan naman siya ngayon.)
**
Nagkaron siya ng maraming chance para sabihin kay Barbs ang dahilan niya. Muntik na niyang sabihin ‘yon nung nagkausap sila nung college graduation niya. (Wow, Engineer Cyrus Casabueno. Bagay ha! Sana nai-record niya ‘yon para pwede niyang ulit-ulitin.) Buti na lang napigilan niya ang sarili niya, kundi wala na siyang chance para makasama siya minsan.
Nagulat siya nang sumama si Barbs sa gala ng barkada nila, two months after the graduation. (Naging official member ng barkada si Cyrus right after umalis ni Barbs papuntang England. Three months later inamin niya na may feelings siya kay Barbs. All they ever did was nod and never talked about it since.) hindi nila napigilang mailang nang onti nung halos magkasabay silang dalawa na dumating sa bar. Todo dasal siya n asana hindi napansin ni Barbs ang mga tingin sa kanila ng barkada. (Of course, she did notice it. She’s Barbs for fuck’s sake, the paranoid one.)
Everything went fine; enjoy naman ang catch up nila at pagpaplano sa kasal nina Wes at Rocky. (Janine’s the maid of honor, no surprise there.) Kaso nung si Barbs na ang usapan, he fell silent.
She talked about the guys she dated (Guys? Date? Si Barbs ba talaga ang kausap nila? Wala sa dictionary niya ‘yon ha!), ang buhay Uni ni Barbs, how she almost kissed her World Lit professor (“He bloody sounded like Benedict Cumberbatch! Tatanggi pa ba ako?” Nasamid siya don.), yung parttime jobe niya as a waitress and many more. (Kinwento niya lahat ‘yon in her acquired Cockney accent. Bagay kay Barbs, kaso naiinis siya sa mga kinukwento nito.)
“So.. may Brit boyfriend ka na?” Janine excitedly questioned Barbs.
She snorted sharply and rolled her eyes. “Naahh.. not my thing anymore. That love shite totally fucked me up.”
(He swears, up to this day, na tinignan siya ni Barbs after ng sentence na ‘yon. Maybe he imagined it. Or not. Ano pa nga ba ang totoo sa panahong ‘to?)
“So.. no weddings for you, huh?”
“Wag na kayong umasa, friends. Never akong magpapakasal.”
(Sana pala nirecord niya ‘yon para ipamukha kay barbs ngayon kung gaano siya ka-jaded pagdating sa love at marriage dati. Baka sakaling magising siya sa katotohanan.)
**
Maraming beses na siyang kinabahan sa buong buhay niya.
Bawat basketball game (Ravens at Maroons), college graduation (cum laude), engineering board exam (pasok sa top 10), unang beses magdrive, unang date (with Tatin), unang araw sa trabaho..lahat ng firsts niya.. matinding kaba ang naramdaman niya.
Walang panama ang kabang nararamdaman niya ngayong araw kahit pa pagsasama-samahin ang mga kabang naramdaman niya dati.
Siya nga lang ata ang sobrang kinakabahan sa lahat ng tao sa loob ng simbahan. Ang iba sobrang excited makita si Barbs na nakawedding gown. Kagabi pa siya nacucurious kung anong itsura ni Barbs sa wedding gown nito. Bawal makita ang bride the night before the wedding! he heard Rocky say last night before they part ways.
Sa isip niya wala pa ring tatalo sa nakapulang Barbs. Nagsisisi tuloy siya na kulay silver na gown ang ibinigay niya dito noong JS Prom nila. He never had the chance to see her in a red dress. Maybe after the wedding, pwedena—
Come on, Casabueno. Man up.
Mixed emotions siya ngayon. Gusto niyang umiyak, tumawa, magalit, magcelebrate..lahat na. Minsan lang siya maging irrational, at ito na ang pinakasukdulan nun.
Everyone’s happy around him. Bakit siya..hindi?
Pre ano, ready ka na? bulong sa kanya ni Wes. Ang tagal namang magsimula nito! Init na init na ako dito!
Wag ka nga! extra ni Chester na halatang excited na rin. Mas mainit pa nung kasal mo noh! Hindi nga kami nagreklamo nun eh!
Akalain mo yun, yung bato nating prinsesa.. ikakasal na, parang naluluha na si Wes. Masama bang sabihin na never ko ‘tong inimagine?
Natawa si Chester. Siraulo! This is really unexpected but what the hell. At least she’s very happy, right?
Yung kaba niya kanina?
Napalitan na ng sakit.
**
Binalikan niya ang usapan nila ni Barbs kahapon ng tanghali. Nagkasabay silang kumuha ng tubig sa may kusina. Ilang araw na rin silang hindi nag-uusap. Busy si Barbs sa wedding preparations at siya, may tinatapos na project sa firm nila.
I’m sorry, yan ang bati sa kanya ni Barbs after three seconds of awkwardness.
Bakit naman?
Chineck muna ni Barbs ang paligid bago siya sumagot. I don’t know. Feel ko lang magsorry sa’yo.
You’re getting married tomorrow, Barbs. Stop fucking with my feelings.
I stopped doing that years ago. You’re the one with self-inflicted issues here.
Parehas silang natigilan. Ang ayos ng atmosphere kanina, tapos ngayon naging aggressive at unfriendly na.
You’re getting married.
I know. I’m the bride, remember?
Red looks good on you.
Did you know I hate red? she giggled. (He loved that sound for years. Too bad he can’t hear that forever.)
Basta, bagay lang sa’yo. Dapat red gown na lang suotin mo.
That would make me a heretic.
Regine Velasquez wore red.
She’s rich. I’m not.
Mayaman naman mapapangasawa mo eh.
Not a gold digger, bro.
He stared at her for a moment, trying to memorize her face. Kabisado naman talaga niya ang mukha ni Barbs. Natatakot lang siya na baka isang araw paggising niya, makalimutan na niya ang mukha nito.
You know that I l—
I know. You always have.
(He never told her that. That was the first time yet she cut him off. Because she knew. She fucking knew about it then but didn’t tell him. That’s the cruelest punishment he ever received.He deserved it. Every. Single. Bit.)
I won’t stop.
(Because I love you. Because I can never have you. Because it’s all my fucking fault. Because I’m tired of getting hurt. Because I hurt you every single time. Because I love you and you don’t even notice. Because I could never make you happy. Because you don’t even care. Because I’m sorry. Forgive me, Barbs. Forgive me.)
I know. I’m not asking you to. But at one point you must stop. Hindi ko alam kung kelan dadating yun, o kung dadating man..pero Cyrus.. I’m happy. This is the happiest I’ve ever been.
I know. I can see it.
Thank you for understanding. We’ve been through a lot, and I’m very grateful you stayed.
Thank you, too. For everything.
(The things he didn’t say hurt him more than he expected.)
**
Paggising niya kaninang umaga, isa lang ang narealize niya.
Starting from today, the color white will always remind him of the love he lost.
**
Masokista raw siya, sabi sa kanya ni Vivien nung malaman nitong aattend siya sa kasal ni Barbs. Pwede naman siyang hindi umattend ng kasal. Maiintindihan naman ng buong barkada at ilang kakilala ‘yon.
(It’s not like he doesn’t want to see her in her wedding day. He really does, but he finds that he can’t because looking at Barbs hurts him too much and he is tried of getting hurt.)
Marunong naman siyang sumuko.Kaso mahirap gawin.
Tumugtog na ang banda, signal na mag-uumpisa na ang kasal. Kahit nasasaktan na siya ay nagawa pa niyang mapangiti. Tinotoo nga ni Barbs ang gusto nito na Fix You violin version ang bridal march niya.
Hindi napigilan ng bridesmaids (Janine and Rocky) at ng maid of honor (Vivien) ang mapaiyak. At last, this is happening.
Siya? Mas sumikip ang dibdib niya. He’s surprised, may mas malala pa pala sa hindi paghinga.
(Cyrus Casabueno is definitely a sucker for punishment.)
Totoo pala yun.
Lahat ng mga importanteng alaala mo ay biglang magfa-flash bago ka mamatay. He’s not really dying, pero kung eto ang feeling ng unti-unting pinapatay..masakit pala. Nagpapanggap na buhay sa labas, patay na sa loob.
(Attendig her wedding would be his final atonement for everything he did to her. He would never call this an exorcism, though. Barbs is, and will nevber be, evil. She is, and will always be, just Barbs.)
Iiyak ba siya? Hindi. Gustuhin man niya alam niyang magagalit sa kanya si Barbs. This is her day, their day. Regalo na lang niya sa kanila ang hindi pagsira ng kasal nila.
She looked so beautiful in white, he realized as she walked slowly towards the aisle. Ayaw niyang tingnan si Barbs. (Ayaw niyang masaktan.)
Lagpas na siya sa quota ng sakit sa buong buhay niya ngayong araw.
Pigil-hinga siya nang dumaan si Barbs sa harapan niya. She didn’t even turn to look at him. Nasa iisang tao lang naman ang focus ni Barbs ngayon. At hindi sa kanya yun.
The couple rendered the crowd speechless.
With that, Barbs smiled at her groom.
That smile.
That painfully happy made him accept the thing he feared the most.
That she wasn't, and will never be, his.