"And how did that make you feel?" She asked, looking at Naomi sat across the room
"The rain?" Naomi questioned with a smile, "it makes me feel peaceful. I already said this" Naomi laughed at her therapist.
It was times like this she couldn't understand the reason for therapy because she just felt stupid for talking about her feelings. She felt she'd already been over this, why was her therapist asking these intricate questions?
"No, Naomi how did it make you feel?" Her therapist repeated herself slowly as she stared at the younger girl, sat cross legged on the sofa, subtly playing with her fingers
"Calm...peaceful-" she began to list off when her therapist interrupted her and called out a word which stopped her in her tracks
A word that made her think.
A word that she hadn't even think to associate with the rain before
"Safe?" Her therapist questioned as Naomi stayed quiet, not even wanting to move a single bone in her body because her therapist could see right through her. She knew if she made any sudden movement - her therapist would know, she would just know she got her. She knew her. She understood her.
And she could see everything Naomi was hiding
"Naomi, does the rain make you feel safe?" Her therapist repeated because she hadn't had a response from Naomi after she mentioned the word safe in relation to the rain.
Looking down at her fingers, Naomi couldn't help frown at how badly she was playing with them. Inhaling and exhaling a deep breath, she flattened her palms and smoothed them out onto her thighs because of how clammy they'd gotten.
Was it hot in here suddenly?
"Naomi?" Her therapist called out, trying to get her attention as she watched the girl reach for her phone to distract herself, until she remembered it was on the coffee table in the middle of the room to avoid distractions
"Naomi, does the rain make you feel safe?" Her therapist asked once again as Naomi's slowly dragged her gaze up from the coffee table where her phone lay, all the way to the her
Naomi knew the woman was trying to help, she really did, but sometimes when she asked questions like this, Naomi hated therapy. She hated that someone could see past the walls she spent a long time building. She hated that someone could strip her bare, down to the bone after merely a few minutes, hours or sessions because of the intricate questions they asked.
And, the funny thing was - they weren't even intrusive questions because my god were they far past that, but it was the little ones. The ones that got you to stop and think. The ones that transported you back into that time, that mindset, that moment where whichever memory it was, was happening and to stop and think. To stop and realise maybe, just maybe it impacted her current self. It may of impacted her a lot or maybe a little. But it was done. It was done and it effected her somehow, some way in a very particular way.
"Yes" she whispered, after a moment, "Yes - it makes me feel safe" she exhaled heavily and the weight which had been lifted off her shoulders was unmistakable
And here we go again with the more little questions. The important questions.
"And why do you think that is?" Her therapist asked as she tilted her head to the side
It wasn't a patronising move, but once again Naomi couldn't help but be irked by it. She couldn't help but feel the anger in her rise at something she didn't even know. She didn't know why she was getting so angry. It was as if...
As if she had a million emotions all built up and her therapist was trying to unmask those layers, letting out those imbedded emotions. Trying to get Naomi to let go.
Trying to set her free.
Since Naomi was quite reluctant to answer her questions, her therapist sighed as she had to go more in-depth with the question, "Do you think that it's maybe because you think it saved you the last time you were in your exboyfriend's house?"
Naomi swallowed harshly as she narrowed her eyes at the woman sat across the room from her. She hated how much she just knew about her. Yes, Naomi was the one to tell her - but she hated it. She hated that this woman, just because she was a professional, just knew all of this about her. She knew all of it and got to ask questions. She got dive deeper.
"I-" Naomi stuttered on what she wanted to say. How was she meant to respond to that? How was she meant to just casually admit that she blocked out that night at Josiah's house so much that she began to love the rain without really putting two and two together.
Deep down yes, she knew there were other reasons for her liking the weather pattern - like others like lightening because it's a visually amazing sight, along with others enjoying thunder as it's a rumble of the world, to some just liking the simple sunshine. But Naomi always just saw the repetitive pitter patter of water falling from the sky as a calming thing. She just saw it as that and nothing else.
Nothing else until now.
"Naomi?" Her therapist called out, furrowing her eyebrows at her stuttered response, which she didn't even bother to finish
Watching Naomi stare at her blanking, not even attempting to further participate in the conversation as she usually saw in patients, whenever she brought up a triggering topic, the therapist put her notepad down as she exhaled through her nostrils, "Naomi do you want me to tell you what I think, instead?"
Not even a second later, Naomi shook her head, refusing her answer by saying, "No."
She said no because of many reasons. She had her reasons. They were genuine reasons.
"No? Why's that?" Her therapist raised her eyebrows at something not being a first, but Naomi had been making so much progress the past few sessions and now, now she was going back into her shell.
She was hiding again. She was refusing to let things come to light. She was refusing to acknowledge the harsh reality of what had happened to her. Of how it effected her.
Naomi had this far away look on her face. It was a look she saw very commonly in patients. Something she knew would mean she would have to change the conversation topic. Something which meant they had to put a pause on their progress and redirect the conversation unfortunately.
"Maybe we should-" her therapist began to redirect the conversation to something else, a more relaxed topic, when Naomi finally said something
"No because I already know what you're gonna say" Naomi mumbled because she knew where the original conversation was going, she knew what her therapist thought of her but she just didn't want to hear about it from someone else.
"And what do you think I'm going to say?" Her therapist questioned, immediately identifying Naomi was going down the somewhat defensive route which was good and bad
Good in the sense that she was still willing to talk about the traumatic experience with her ex boyfriend, but bad in the sense that she hated the acknowledgment of it. She was beginning to resent the progress she was making and mimicking a guess of what her therapist was going to say in analogy of her answers.
"You're gonna say that I feel safe because the rain has been there for me during big moments in my life. You're going to say that I find safety in it because it's never let me down. You're gonna say that I need to stop hiding my feelings in a weather pattern because that's not healthy. You're gonna say that me not only focusing on the rain when I blocked out what he did to me, but also his mum calling out for him to get the washing off of the line was a positive moment for me. It was a moment where I found comfort - no peace, in a weather pattern because of the relief I felt when he finally climbed off of me all whilst I stared at the every growing heavy rain beating down on the the glass of his bedroom window..." she trailed off into a whisper because she was speaking a mile a minute and she couldn't say anymore
She just couldn't
She couldn't face the realities, not today at least.
She just couldn't hear it from her therapist. She just wasn't there. She had no right to talk about it. She wasn't the one who experienced it. She wasn't the one who felt his body weight crush her. She wasn't the one who felt him breathe all over her face as he grunted into her ear at how good she felt to be in. She wasn't the one who-
"Is that what you believe?" Her therapist asked with a frown as she watched Naomi in the moment
Throwing her head back in frustration because she couldn't get the stupid memory out of her head again, and it was just replaying and replaying over and over again - Naomi snapped and finally said, "I don't know what I believe!"
With a warm smile as she blinked, not showing Naomi any sign of anger or annoyance, her therapist nodded as she said three simple words, "And that's okay"
Three words which shocked Naomi. Three words she didn't expect. Three words that made everything stop. It made her memories running through her head, causing her torture, to stop. It made her breathing calm down as she finally took note of her erratic heart beat and slow it down. It made her fingers, which had moved on from playing with each other, to itching - no scratching her arms, to stop. To stop and look down at the pain she was causing herself. Pain she used to just brush off as normal but definitely wasn't normal.
And it wasn't okay.
But she was allowed to be okay.
"That's okay?" Naomi questioned quietly as she blinked at her therapist, never realising how soothing it could be just to hear those three words from someone.
"Yes Naomi" her therapist smiled. "These sessions are for you. They're not meant to figure out your life in an hour. You can spend however long going over the same topics over and over again but it's all for your benefit" she reminded her because Naomi was definitely still adapting to the idea of the entire concept of therapy being centred around her
It was all for her
Her and her benefit
"Well then, can I change the topic that we're talking about?" She asked.
"You can change it to whatever you want" her therapist nodded with the most sincere and honest smile
"Well, I don't want to talk about the past anymore" Naomi took control of the session - because if these sessions were truly for her, she could change what she was talking about, couldn't she?
"So what do you want to talk about? You've been seeing me for around a month now, you've never done this before, So take it away..." her therapist sat back, waiting to see where Naomi took this
It was seemed patronising, but she was being genuine - therapy always did lead to more insightful things when the patient felt comfortable and decided to take control.
Naomi took a moment.
And then another moment
But she couldn't help but fall blank
She didn't know
She just didn't know what she wanted to talk about
Sensing Naomi's frustration with herself at her not knowing what she wanted to talk about instead, her therapist intervened, "How about we talk about the present. How are you feeling today?" She asked her
"I'm fine" Naomi mumbled, shrugging her shoulders. It was a bit of a pointless question. She was in therapy, wasn't she? She definitely couldn't say she was the happiest person in the world because that was a lie and she couldn't say that she was sad or else that'd lead to more questions, so she was just fine.
"Okay...How about this, how are you and Theo? I believe that was his name, right?" Her therapist asked because Naomi didn't really take much time in talking about her current relationship. It was like she hid everything and everyone from the present away from her therapist because she didn't want to touch them. She didn't want to speak about them because she wanted to live in the now - the present. She didn't want to overthink things with those who were in her life right now.
"Yeah, me and Theo are good" Naomi bluntly answered, immediately playing up to her therapist's interpretation of what she was like when she spoke about the present
"Just good?" Her therapist quirked up a brow at Naomi's blunt answers. She wanted more. She wanted Naomi to feel comfortable opening up about her present. Just because she spoke well of something or someone in the now, didn't mean that it was all gonna go to shit in the future. It didn't immediately put a bad omen on something
"Well yeah. We talk. We see each other. He comes over to mine. I visit him at the football pitch...He's the one who made me see you, so yeah, things are just good" Naomi said as she basically explained everything her and Theo had been doing for the past month. Nothing had changed, about their relationship from before, well besides Naomi getting a therapist and well, their lack of physical connection
Neither were complaining, nor even thinking about it because they knew it would happen again when it was time - so for now it was just kisses. Deep and heated kisses which spoke so much romance, so much kindness, so much consideration for the other.
Picking up on how Naomi said that Theo made her see her as a therapist - she picked at her wording, "Did he make you come and see me or did you do it because he wanted you to and you wanted to make him happy?" She began to ask the important questions because after a month they had made progress, but her and Naomi weren't going to get anywhere if she was purely doing this because of Theo
She needed her to think of herself
She needed her to put herself first
Pursing her lips as she didn't even have to think about it, Naomi said, "The second one" because Theo definitely didn't force her, but she also wouldn't have come to therapy by herself - despite Stass mentioning its benefits, she still didn't believe she needed it until Theo walked out that one day. When he just up and left, she realised that maybe, she did need to speak to someone.
"Do you understand that your health makes Theo happy?" Her therapist asked rhetorically. She asked it in more of a statement, throwing a question mark at the end because she wanted Naomi to understand what she meant to Theo.
"What?" Naomi asked, confused by what that meant. Yes, she knew Theo cared about her but him asking her to attend therapy was moreso- it was moreso... fuck.
Once again her therapist was asking her the questions which made her go down a rabbit hole of a billion and one questions.
"You coming to see me makes Theo happy. It makes him happy that you're doing this. That you're helping yourself" her therapist answered with a knowing smile because she'd seen him waiting in the reception area before and after Naomi's sessions more than once.
She was even pretty sure that Theo was paying for Naomi's therapy sessions, because she wasn't cheap. She definitely didn't get many university students coming to her and she definitely rarely came to different cities for sessions. Her office wasn't even based here, but after calling up a few friends for a some favours - she managed to secure this weekly spot for her and Naomi to carry out their sessions.
Continuing her point as she noticed Naomi shaking her head in disbelief, her therapist recounted several points from what she knew about the couple's dynamic, "It's not all sex and football from what you describe to me about him. He fought for you as his girlfriend. He fought for you when you were in first year. He truly cares for you and you need to remember that sometimes Naomi. He wants the best for you"
Blinking as she took in every word that her therapist told her, Naomi couldn't help but feel her heart swell at the thought of Theo really and truly being there for her through everything.
"Well, I think that's a good end note but our time for today is done Naomi. Thank you for coming, and thank you for opening up - see you again next week" her therapist said as she muted the alarm on her phone indicating that it had been an hour since the two of them sat down
"Oh" Naomi frowned at the hour being gone so quickly and yet she wasted it on being so dismissive, so tight lipped.
This happened every session, she'd come in unhappy to be there and then slowly she'd begin to open up and then that same alarm would go off and her time would be up until the next week.
Uncrossing her legs and standing up from her chair, Naomi nodded, picking her phone and walking towards the office door, "Thank you" Naomi smiled as she exited the room
Exiting the building Naomi was met with the bustling and boisterous student city once again as she sighed to herself. Looking at her phone, she realised she need to get a move on. She needed to meet up with Aimee to go to the library and catch up on some lectures.
Walking down the street, Naomi scanned through her various notifications she'd gotten whilst in her therapy session. A few from Theo wishing her a good afternoon and that he was proud of her, one from her mum saying that she missed her because she barley came home anymore. One from her sister telling her that her and her husband were gonna try to get pregnant soon. One from Aimee confirming she'd be stood outside the library and then...
Then there was one from Instagram.
Now, Naomi was quite private with her Instagram, not Theo private, but enough for her to only allow her friends to message her and only be tagged in posts with her approval type of private. And that's what stopped her in her tracks as she noticed an account trying to message her.
Cautiously, she hovered her thumb over the notification - debating on whether to open it or not.
Fuck it.
Clicking on the notification, she read it to be an Instagram DM request from a user who requested to follow her.
Instagram DM request - Ginaaa.Campbell1974 - Hi Naomi, it's Gina. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but I just really wanted to say that I'm sorry once again. You don't have to forgive me, but I am so sorry for everything that happened xx
Naomi read the message, and then reread the message. She did that about five different times not knowing how to feel about it. Then she did that a few times again, just staring at every single word. Every character. Every pixel on her phone.
This was the same woman who showed her nothing but kindness when she was with Josiah - but also was so clueless of what her son was really like.
But then society always said that the way men treat women is usually learnt, so did Gina also experience something like this from other men and Josiah witnessed it?
Fuck, who knows but she wanted nothing to do with the Campbell family.
"You alright there? You kinda zoned out for a bit" Aimee asked as she made her way to start walking next to Naomi
Naomi who hadn't even realised she'd made it to the library blinked several times as she quickly locked her phone and looked up at Aimee who looked at her with a worried smile.
Ugh, that smile. She hated when Aimee gave her that smile. She hated how such a ball of sunshine and energy like Aimee, who was covered in ink pieces - so she was practically a walking surprise would give her such a sad smile because she wanted nothing but to be happy but she was constantly worrying about Naomi.
"Yeah I- I just got a message" Naomi confessed quietly, putting her phone away as they walked into the library - heading straight for the pods
"From who?" Aimee asked warily, because she didn't like the way Naomi stopped herself when telling her but then thought against it and continued through that little stutter of hers
Now usually, Naomi would say no one or wouldn't even admit she got a message but she felt like she needed to stop keeping so much stuff private. She needed to start being more open with the people who cared about her.
Something she was reluctant to do, but she knew it was the right thing. A step on the right path.
"Gina" Naomi admitted, watching Aimee carefully
Aimee furrowed her brows as Naomi expected, ready to open her mouth and ask who Gina was, only for her to almost shut it but quickly forming her mouth into an 'o' shape as her eyes went wide - remembering exactly who Gina was and who she was related to.
Clenching her teeth together in an attempt of an awkward smile as she looked at Naomi she said, "Shit... what did she say? Are you gonna respond?"
"No. I don't think I can. I think it was just a message more for herself than me, you know - her own guilt. It basically was just on the lines of how she's sorry and that I don't need to forgive her, but she just wanted me to at least know how sorry she was"
"Wow." Aimee breathed out
"Yeah...anyway - let's change the subject." Naomi said as she made a tight lipped smile, trying not to put a downer on the day.
She'd made progress in therapy, well at least she believed she did and she wanted to continue the day on a high note
"Oh, there's a free one" Aimee pointed out the very last pod along the corridor
Nodding in acknowledgement, the two of them made their way into the pod and unpacked their stuff, ready to study because the pair of them had pushed that to the back of their minds far too much this year.
It wasn't even an hour or so later, Naomi heard her phone ping with a notification.
"Aimee I-" Naomi interrupted Aimee telling her what happened in a lecture she'd missed
"Yeah, take it. I'm slumped - the library just isn't doing it for me today" Aimee admitted as she too picked up her own phone
Shaking her head with a small smile at how easily Aimee gave up on university work sometimes, Naomi paid attention to her phone.
Mariam - Hey Naomi, any chance when you're free, could you give me a call?
Now that wasn't something she expected. The Mariam palace texting her. Yes, she still technically worked for sinful lingerie, but she was on study break right now from her placement, so Mariam popping up to her out of the blue was so odd.
But none the less - Naomi stepped out of the pod and called Mariam's number as she awaited her to pick up.
It didn't take long for the call to connect.
"Hey Mariam, you asked me to call?" Naomi asked timidly because she had no clue what this conversation could've been about
"Naomi" Mariam sighed with a small smile, "Ugh, I know you're on holiday from the office right now, but I'm dying here without you, any chance you could pop in for an hour or so - just to help out. I'll email your lecturer to get you some extra credit if that helps" Mariam said as Naomi heard the oh so familiar robust noise of a photo shoot, from the makeup artists gossiping, the sound of the flash and click of a camera, to the lighting team being off cue as usual
"Umm" Naomi debated it. She was meant to be catching up on uninterrupted university work, but then again extra credit, but Aimee...
"Come on, Naomi. Please" Mariam asked politely
"Give me a second" Naomi said as she pulled the phone away from her ear, pushing the pod door open for Aimee's head to poke up and take her attention off of her phone, "Aimee any chance I can cut today short. I need to run down to Sinful Lingerie and help Mariam out with some stuff" Naomi asked apologetically
"Yeah, sure" Aimee put on her best smile as she began to pack away her stuff
Naomi didn't even need to think twice before she put the phone back to her ear and said, "Hey Mariam, what about another pair of extra hands? I've got my friend Aimee here and she'd love to help out" Naomi smiled as Aimee's ears perked up at the sound of her name being mentioned
"If she's as good as you, then bring her. Thanks Naomi - see you in a bit - just text if you have any trouble getting into the building" Mariam rushed out, ending the call quickly as Naomi heard her begin to try and sort something out with one of the models or maybe a photographer- who knew
"Naomi!" Aimee gasped as her eyes lit up, "you didn't"
"I did" Naomi smiled, "Now hurry up - let's go" she hurried Aimee along, trying to pack up their stuff as quickly as possible
It didn't take long for the girls to get there and find out a few members of staff had called in sick - hence Mariam's desperation for help. They helped out as much as they could, Aimee following Naomi's example and getting on with it.
It was actually quite fun and Naomi couldn't help but remember that she always did like the office. It just felt like a breath of a fresh air. And the fact that her internship was with the infamous Mariam Palace guiding her was just indescribable.
Mariam - Can you come and see me in my office for a second
Seeing that text message on her phone after Mariam had left her and Aimee to their own devices after the photo shoot finished - even offering them one of the empty offices to study in because she did drag them away from the library, Naomi made her way to Mariam's office quickly.
Knocking on the door, Naomi briefly exhaled in order to attempt to calm her nerves. She knew there was nothing to be nervous about but something just felt odd about her being called to Mariam's office.
"Come in" Mariam called out from the other side
Opening the door, Naomi was met with a very powerful Mariam sat behind her desk, typing away on her phone, no doubt securing herself a new client or big event.
"Ah, Naomi!" She smiled, ushering Naomi to sit down
Naomi did as she was told and sat silently as Mariam finished typing away
Finally looking up from her phone for longer than two seconds, Mariam noticed Naomi's nervous stance. She looked uncomfortable.
"Naomi -" she started, as Naomi awaited her next move, "Don't look so nervous" she laughed at Naomi going straight back to how she was when she first started her internship
"Sorry" Naomi apologised, trying to relax in her seat but sitting across Mariam with no context as to why she was needed in her office scared the shit out of her. After the day she had today, with therapy and then Gina messaging her, to going to the library and studying to being called to the office.
A jam-packed day like this was nothing but normal for a university student, but Naomi hadn't been a university student for a while. She'd taken time off after everything to just sit and refocus her life a little bit. You know, just to be a little less overwhelmed.
"Okay so I just wanted to start off by saying you've been a great addition to the team. Helped out more than I can quite put into words and the company, and I are extremely thankful" Mariam spouted compliment after compliment to Naomi making her smile
"As you saw from today, I really do admire your work ethic and how much dedication you bring to this company so..." she trailed off as Naomi furrowed her eyebrows having an inkling as to what Mariam was about to say but there was no way. That wouldn't just happen to her. She was in second year. No way would a company like Sinful Lingerie just off the cusp offer an undergrad intern a full time position.
Would they?
Naomi's thoughts were running a mile a minute in her head as Mariam's voice faded to basically background noise until she heard the words, "Fashion Institute of Technology"
Hold on, FIT as in New York.
Blinking several times, like that was gonna make her hear any better Naomi, opened and closed her mouth several times before finally asking, "Sorry, what? Could you repeat yourself"
Mariam simply smiled as she could tell it would be a lot for Naomi to take in and repeated what she said, much slower this time. "Naomi, as you already know the New York office needs my attention, a lot of it" she sighed, "And you've been so good and really helped me out, that I'm offering you a job there we with me. Obviously, I know that your studies are important to you so I've spoke to your lectures and a certain school in New York and they're willing to let you transfer and finish up your studies at the outstanding Fashion Institute of Technology in New York City whilst working at Sinful Lingerie head office in New York" Mariam explained awaiting a reaction from Naomi
"New York?" Was all that came out of Naomi's mouth as she stared at Mariam wide eyed
"Yes. New York - also known as the fashion capital of the world" Mariam spelled it out for Naomi who had just becoming a babbling mess in a mere few short minutes
"B-but-" Naomi stuttered as she couldn't even form a sentence over what Mariam was telling, no asking of her
"Yes?" Mariam couldn't help but giggle at Naomi's stutter and speechlessness at the opportunity she was gifting her because she couldn't help but see herself in her
"But why me?" Naomi asked
"Like I already said, your work ethic is amazing, I always love the answers you give when I ask a simple question of you - you always go more in-depth, always explain your reasons why and aren't afraid to ask questions. You take things and put your own spin on it. So I wanted to gift you this opportunity to further your career and help me out. Oh, and let me tell you, none of them have in the New York office have work ethic like you"
"N-new York city?" She echoed once again because she just couldn't get over what she was hearing
"Yes Naomi" Mariam nodded, "Now, I don't need a decision from you right away as I am leaving to go there myself next week to keep an eye on things, but I do obviously need an answer at some point - I am a busy woman" And business woman Mariam was back
"Let's say, an answer is needed by...the end of June" she agreed
"The end of June? That's- that's two weeks" Naomi pointed out
"Two weeks?" Mariam questioned herself, checking her calendar "Oh yes it is - I mean, I can't give you any longer as the school needs an answer if they're transferring all your credits over by the end of the academic year, and I need to obviously get you accommodation, along with a plane ticket and-" Mariam's voice simply faded out into the distance as Naomi was trying to rack her brain over this. She should've been overjoyed. Happy. Excited and she would've been - she really would've been, but her first thought was what about Theo?