I had to get it over with. I had to talk to Louis and I knew it would tear us both apart.
Over the years, I'd developed a skill for shoving my feelings down deep inside me. When I was little, I imagined a place like a dungeon because that's where all the bad feelings were kept. If I got punished, those unhappy feelings went in there. When I was sick and wanted someone to hold me, I put my sadness in there. And when my parents said no to a wish or desire that I had, I would be upset, but then I'd put the sadness away, figuring that my parents knew best and my feelings about it were not appropriate.
I had become somewhat of a pro at stepping outside of myself and just doing what I was told or what had to be done. It was almost like watching a clone do the perfect song and dance for mommy and daddy while I sat back and watched her live my life.
I would detach my feelings for Louis in the same way and banish them to the dungeon. It wouldn't be any more difficult than when my parents wouldn't allow me to bring Veronica with us when we went to Club Med a few years back. I knew I'd be bored out of my skull and I knew my parents would live it up, leaving me to fend for myself. It was standard protocol for most trips, especially when we went to resorts and the like. They always told me there would be plenty of kids around that I should go find someone to play with. If I didn't make friends, they would get mad at me and tell me that I wasn't trying hard enough. When they made the reservations, I had a few weeks to think up my scheme for getting them to let me bring Veronica along. When I finally proposed the idea to them, very thoughtfully and respectfully, they just said no. No explanation, nothing. When I tried to protest or even to ask why, my mother told me that I was out of line and I'd better stop being so selfish. I wasn't allowed to cry about such things, at least not in front of them, so I had gone to my room and cried for hours. But then, I cut off the bad feelings and shoved them down into the deep pit inside of me,
Talking to Louis would be no different.
I woke up early, not wanting to talk to him while he was on the job. I made my way to his room without being detected. I knocked lightly and I heard shuffling from inside the apartment. Soon, he opened the door, his eyes bleary and his hair messy from sleep. He was only wearing athletic shorts, and I desperately wanted to touch him, but that's when I stepped outside of myself and let my clone do her work.
Louis smiled and said, "Good morning." He pulled me inside and shut the door. Then he leaned in to kiss me, but I took a step back. He looked at me with concern and asked, "What's up?"
"We can't do this. I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea, but I'm going to marry Richard, so you and I can't see each other anymore." My voice was even, emotionless, robotic.
Anger flashed in his eyes. "What did he say to you?! I know you don't love him! I saw it in your eyes when you kissed me." He stepped closer to me, and tried to put his hand on my cheek, but I batted it away. His voice softened. "I know you feel something for me, don't deny it."
"Oh, Louis, you're so naive," I spat. "I knew this was going to happen. I knew you'd get attached when all I wanted was a little fling before I get married."
"That's not true," he said, scowling at me. "I know you're lying."
"And besides, you're clearly not over Katie yet," I said flatly.
This time, it was pain that filled his eyes. "That is not true! Of course, there will always be a part of her with me, but I've moved on. This past weekend was a little rough in some spots, but I got through it. And Ash, I got through it so much more easily because you were by my side."
I wavered when he called me by the nickname that only he was allowed to use. "Don't call me Ash anymore. It's no longer appropriate."
"None of this is true and you know it. I've looked into your heart and I know it's hurting. Please don't do this to yourself." Then he lowered his voice to a pleading whisper. "And please, please don't do this to me."
"I'm sorry, Louis. I should have been more clear about my intentions from the beginning."
His jaw clenched and he became very angry. "I see," he said. "You make it a habit to hang out with your servants, dangle a little bit of forbidden fruit in front of them, and then tell them to get lost! Danielle seems to think you're her friend. Are you going to turn your back on her, too? Are you going to go back to being the same self-centered witch you were when I first met you?"
I rolled my eyes, fighting off tears that he would never see. "You were only fooling yourself if you thought we would actually end up together. I mean, you know how this works. I am never going to become best friends or lovers with you, you underground people."
He gave me a confused look. "What are you talking about? The dance club? That's fine, I-"
"No!" I interrupted. "I mean your kind, you people who make up the working class.Servants are fine and serve some valuable purpose. And yes, maybe I get some occasional pleasure from flitting around with them, but it doesn't mean anything. Don't tell me you've never heard that term before. Didn't you learn this in high school? We are the upper crust, the top layer, the most powerful. Everyone else is beneath us, you know...under the ground, under the top crust, below the surface. I thought that's where the stupid dance club got its name."
His face filled with rage and I braced myself, knowing he was going to lose his temper. "No! I have never been referred to as someone who's less important, I've never been told that I am a second-class citizen, and I've never, ever been called a rat or whatever other animal you think lives underground!"
I was legitimately frightened. His rant was a roar of fury, even more intense than when he'd screamed at his brother about his blood sugar.
Then he looked into my eyes and hissed, "Get. Out."
I turned and fled. As soon as I got to my room, I raced to the toilet and threw up. Then I collapsed onto the cold tile floor, sobbing. This wasn't supposed to hurt so much. I thought I'd stepped outside of myself so I wouldn't feel the pain; I thought I'd locked it away in my dungeon. It wasn't fair. Somehow the hurt found a way back in, and it was more excruciating than anything I'd felt in my entire life.
I laid there for hours.
What had I done? I hadn't been kind about it. I hadn't tried to reason with him. I had just completely crushed Louis, and in the process, I was crushed as well. I didn't even feel like I could move, let alone live and function.
Danielle came in and found me, obviously alarmed at my situation. "Ms. Ashten, are you okay?" She asked, dropping to her knees next to me. "Can I get you something?"
"Lemon wedges and some Vernor's."
"I...I don't know what that is," she replied hesitantly.
"Ginger ale. Just bring me some ginger ale."
I found the strength to sit up and run some bath water. I made it scalding hot. I wanted the pain in my heart to go away, so I punished my body instead. I sat down in the water and gasped. It hurt, but it was good. My focus was on my burning skin, not on the emotional turmoil, at least for the moment.
Danielle returned and found me scrubbing my skin raw with an exfoliating sponge. She gasped, understandably alarmed at my actions and my appearance. "Ms. Ashten, what are you doing?! You're bleeding! Please get out and let me help you."
"Don't tell me what to do!" I seethed. But I stood up and got out a moment later. "Put those by my bed," I told her, referring to the requested items.
"What happened?" She asked, genuinely concerned.
"What happened is that I'm marrying Richard."
"But, Ashten, you don't lo-"
I held up my hand and told her coldly, "I've made my decision. I don't need your advice." I dried off and realized I'd been much too harsh on my body. It hurt like hell and some places were raw and bleeding, as Danielle had said.
"Go and get me something for the pain," I commanded her.
I threw on some simple cotton pajamas, even though it was only mid-day. Danielle returned with a prescription narcotic painkiller. I took two and gingerly got into my bed, draping a cool sheet over my body.
"Richard is on his way over," she said, sounding like she was going to cry.
"Tell him I'm sick. Tell everyone I threw up so they'll stay away."
"Ashten, please talk to me," she pleaded.
"You heard what I said, now go!" I snapped and she left quietly.
The pain reliever worked quickly, sending me into a floating dreamland, one without any pain at all.
I slept til the following morning. I woke up feeling well-rested and refreshed, but only until I remembered what I'd done the previous day. I had never cried so much in my life, but I couldn't hold back as I thought about the look on Louis' face.
I picked up my phone and saw three messages from Richard and four from my mother. She wanted to let me know that she'd chosen a wedding planner.
Good, I thought. Then I don't even have to think about it again until I walk down the aisle to meet my doom.
I fell back in bed, but I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. A small white note sat on my bedside table. I reached for it and read it lying down.
Hey there, Sweetheart
Sounds like you're not doing too well.
Let's talk when you wake up.
<3 Daddy
I couldn't imagine my dad would take too kindly to my proclamation that I'd fallen in love with the pool boy.
I ignored the note, popped two more painkillers and drifted back into a drug-induced, peaceful sleep.
* * * * *
I'M SORRY. Please don't murder me.