"Learn something new every day, I don't know so imma feel my way, I'm taking one day at a time, I think I'm handling just fine, No, I can't lie I make mistakes, but I know I'm gonna be okay, got the weight of the world on me, but no regrets this is what I say..." -ChloexHalle
Move-in Day/Welcome Week.
"Welcome to Height Hall, name and year please," the older woman said in a slightly aggravated tone, taking Sasha aback for two reasons; one because it was too early for all of that and two, her accent and the tone of her voice was unlike anything she had ever heard before. It was incredibly nasally and southern, and it also had a weathered edge to it; Sasha could only imagine how it sounded when she was younger. Probably like scratching a nail on a chalkboard, because that's how it sounded now only more tolerable.
Sasha cleared her throat to try to shake her mind of the sudden thoughts, "Oh! Uh Sasha Z, freshman," she replied nervously.
The lady hummed in a judgemental way, "Z? Out of all the names in the world to choose from why on earth would you pick a letter for a name? The names weren't good enough?" she asked in confusion but quickly waved the question off before I could answer.
Rude.
"Now I'm aware of who you are and of your recent name change, and for the sake of things I do appreciate that greatly because here at this university we pride ourselves on preparing our students for a successful future while laying the foundation for a lasting legacy. And while I do understand that you come from quite a legacy of your own, please, try not to let yours overshadow your peers. This is a place of learning, not a social media hotspot, ok?"
"Yes ma'am," I quickly responded. Umm...that's kinda why I changed my name sis, and had you given me the chance to explain you would know that, "Although, that's actually why I changed my name, I don't want people to know who I really am, and the less who knows the better we'll all be. I just want to get an education and my degree and experience the college life," I said, deciding to voice my thoughts because it was clear to me that the image she had of me in her mind and the real me were two different things and it was way too early in the game for misconceptions.
She gave me a piercing look before nodding, "Alright, I am Dean Whitley Gilbert, and you will be seeing a lot of me this year. This school is a lot like my alma mater, and I take this position very seriously, and because of that, I hold the responsibility of preparing young individuals such as yourself for the next level near and dear to my heart," she said taking another look at her papers before looking at me in shock, "Wait a minute, you're sixteen?!" she asked me in shock and I nodded, trying not to laugh at the way she said sixteen, instead of 'sixteen' it came out more like 'six-tainge'.
"Yes ma'am, but I turn 17 at the end of the month," I replied, and after I said that I could see the judgmental glint leave her eyes, and now she looked both impressed, yet worried about that, "Wow, I didn't realize you were quite the scholar," she said, her tone completely different from when we first met.
You know how people can be really judgy of a person they just met and then when they realize exactly who they're talking to they humble themselves?
That's what happened. It was weird, I've seen it happen to others, but not to me directly. It was interesting.
She nodded, "I see. Well here is your key. If you forgotten or hadn't yet checked online, your room number is 210, on the second floor. There is a mandatory dorm meeting this evening at 5 pm, where you will be meeting your R.A. and learning the rules of the dorm, so it would behoove you to not miss it," she informed me.
I smiled and nodded, "Thanks, I'll be there," I said as I took the keys from her and picked up my bag, "Oh, before I go, do you know if my roommate has arrived yet?"
She genuinely smiled at me, the first I'd seen during this entire encounter, "Yes! She checked in earlier this morning actually, and I'm happy to inform you that she is not only a fellow scholar, but my youngest daughter, Julia! I believe you two will get along wonderfully, you may find that you two have a lot in common! She's out to brunch with her father but she should be back before the meeting so you two can have a chance to properly meet and get to know each other," she said and my eyebrows rose in surprise.
My roommate is the Dean's daughter?
Funny, she didn't mention that in her emails. But then again, I didn't mention who my mother is either, so I guess we're even. I just had another thought, great, another reason for Dean Gilbert to keep me under her microscope. I mentally sighed to myself, oh well. Even though I wasn't particular fond of that realization, I wasn't complaining too much, because at least an adult figure would be watching out for me, even if it was to try to catch me slipping. I already knew she wouldn't, so I didn't have anything to worry about.
"Great! I can't wait to meet her," I said with a forced smile.
She nodded as she prepared to leave, "Well, I'll let you go and get settled in, but before I do, if I can give you one word of advice Ms. Z, you're not in high school anymore, and college is a completely different ball game from what you're used to. The stakes are much higher, the work is much harder, but I promise you, if you can stay the course, the reward will be worth it. So buckle down and adapt quickly, and keep your head above water, and remember that you are not alone, here we are more than happy to help you with anything you may need. We at Howard are here to build you, not break you," she finished, giving me a reassuring look that made me feel at ease. I guess her tough act was a tactic to feel me out, and I must have passed the test.
I gave her a grateful smile and thanked her before grabbing my bag and heading towards the direction of the stairs to find my room. As I walked around, I noticed all the incoming students, most with their parents as they talked and looked around, some as they took some final photos before their families left, and others as they helped their new student move in, and I couldn't help but to feel a little sad that I couldn't share that same sentiment with my family, but hey, this is how I wanted it. I knew what I was getting into when I applied to college and now that I'm here I had no regrets. I didn't even want June to come and help me move in because I didn't want to risk someone recognizing him and by association people realizing who I am. So far, I was just a regular person, barely seen and not heard and that was just the way I liked it. I felt good about what was to come, and I was excited for all the possibilities and new opportunities coming my way.
The layout of the building was quite simple and easy to navigate. It was a co-ed dorm, but it was split in half, boys on one side, girls on the other, and each side had a keycard entry, the key card being my student ID, which granted me access to the building, and the girl's side, but not the boys, which made sense and which I also greatly appreciated. The first floor was one big common area, were everyone could intermingle and hang out. Once I got to the stairwell of the girl's side, I quickly made my way upstairs, not needing to use my keycard because the doors were propped open for move in day, and once I reached the second floor I entered the hallway, and the first thing I noticed was the theme that the hall had, which was Black women in music. Along the walls were poster sized album covers and portraits of singers and girl groups from the Motown years all the way until recent years, so of course there were images of the Supremes, Patti Labelle, Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson, En Vogue, SWV, and, you guessed it, Beyoncé and Destiny's Child, among countless others. I had to give it to the RA of this floor, she did her thing with the decorations and themes. On each door was a smaller 6×6 inch sized photo of the album art of a hit album, and on both sides was a CD cut-out that had the names of whoever was assigned to that room. It was really dope.
I walked down the hall, admiring the décor as well as paying close attention to the door numbers so I wouldn't pass my room. I didn't have to walk far, because one side of the hall were odd number doors and the other side were even, so by the fifth door I had finally reached my door. The second I saw the album art for my door I immediately stopped in my tracks, my eyes wide and my jaw dropped.
Now, either someone was playing a big joke on me, or the Lord was testing me, because as my luck would have it, the album the RA chose for my door was my mom's B-Day album, the album my mom was coincidentally working on while she was pregnant with me. I was so in shock; I couldn't really do anything but laugh. I took my phone out my pocket, snapping a picture of my door before going to the group chat with Mommy and Mama and sending it to them, knowing they would laugh when they saw it.
It's been about two weeks since Simone was born, and since then things have been really different. Even though Mama was being vague about Uncle Cole's whereabouts, June and I were quickly able to put two and two together and we knew that he had not only missed her birth, but he was also completely untraceable throughout the entire ordeal so he couldn't have known, and that really upset us, because we thought he was better than that. We hadn't known him long, but anyone could see that he was a workaholic, I mean he had my entire family combined beat in that area.
Of course in my mind, that's a character flaw that can negatively impact a relationship if left unchanged, and that really made me feel a way because ultimately, that's my Mommy getting hurt and I don't like that! She doesn't deserve that, and neither does Nugget. Just seeing her try to hide how she was really feeling once we came back from D.C. that day really made me sad, because here she was, just gave birth, the happiest moment in her life that she not only dreamed about, but wished and prayed for and now it had finally come into fruition, but she couldn't respond and react in the way she really wanted because in the back of her mind she's sad and worried, creating scenarios in her head because this guy was nowhere to be found.
That's really messed up.
He may not have realized it then, but he put a sour taste in all of our mouths after that, and if I'm being quite honest, I don't think there's any coming back from it. Apologies can't fix that, changed behavior can't fix that. He's a surgeon so he should know, that what he did was like a life changing surgery that went wrong for a moment, and even though the mistake was fixed, it still left a lasting impact on the patient that they would now have to live with forever. For someone to be so smart, what he did was so stupid and even if we could all move past what he did, it was still like a permanent scar that would forever change how I saw him.
That day he left, and really, I still haven't seen him since. Now that doesn't mean Mommy hasn't either, I just know I haven't. Despite that she's been in good spirits, and I could tell that she was genuinely happy, and especially happy to be a new mother, and I know that one of the reasons was because Mama and Aunt Kelly were with her. Whenever those three were together everything always fell into place harmoniously. They were each other's safe place; as long as they had each other they knew everything would be ok, because they were the true definition of ride or dies. I only aspired to have a friendship like theirs, it seemed like the more time went on the closer they became, which was especially true for Mama and Mommy. I mean look at me for goodness' sake, I am the prime example of that.
However, I must say they're closer than some, but A LOT closer than most, not gonna lie sometimes I think they're a little too close, I've side-eyed some of the things they do a few times, but hey, like Dr. B always says "That's yo' business," that's their business not mine, so I'm gonna keep minding my own, and if they're happy, I'm ecstatic.
And quiet is as kept, despite whatever it is they may or may not have going on, I ship it.
Now that Nugget is here, everybody is just like, over the moon, you couldn't slap the smiles off our faces. She was the best baby ever, so full of personality, and she NEVER cried, for anything! It's weird, but at the same time it just shows how shady she can be because by not crying, our eyes are on her 24/7 so we can watch her facial expressions and actions to kind of gauge how she's feeling or if she needs anything. I hated to leave her; I actually cried a little. She didn't, but that was expected. But you know who did cry like a baby?
My mama.
Mommy cried too of course, but not like Mama, I thought she was going to make herself sick. She cried the whole ride to the clear port. June and I just sat quietly on both sides of her, holding her as she cried and expressed how she wasn't ready for her babies to leave her. When we got to the clear port, she held us so tight, crying and kissing all over us, and refused to let us go. I thought we were going to need the Jaws of Life to pry her off of us. Really, I thought she was going to stowaway in my luggage, but Mommy made sure she stayed on the ground with her and after another round of goodbye hugs and kisses and promises to facetime when we landed, we were finally boarded and were able to leave.
Based on the way she was acting I wouldn't be surprised if the second we took off she was on the phone with her real estate agent to start finding homes in DC close to us. I really hope she won't do that, and hopefully Mommy or Aunt Kelly or even Grandma will talk some sense into her, because I know my mother. And because I know my mother, I know she's already thought of it, or even acted on it. It's funny really, she's had months to prepare for us leaving and going off to college, but hey, like they say, some things you prepare for, but you'll still never be ready for it when it does happen.
It's not like she'll never see me again, I'll be home for fall break.
I know it hit her hard because of all that's happened, especially since it was only recently that our relationship had finally gotten back on the right track, I know she probably feels like she's losing a moment she just got, but she's not. Our bond will continue to grow even though we're apart, but me going away to college was always going to happen, that was never going to change. We had a long discussion about this a few days ago, as a way to further prepare Mama for what was to come but I guess it wasn't enough, and understandably so.
Now that I think about it, if things were the way they always were and I still felt like an outsider in my family and was still living with Mommy, I can't help but feel like Mama would have reacted way worse than she did when it was time for me to leave, and the emotions probably wouldn't have been as loving and heartfelt as it was.
It probably would have been like that one family member that acts a fool at the funeral because their loved one is gone, but when they were here, they treated them like shit.
Thank GOD we aren't like that and we've done the work to never have to worry about being like that.
June and I had our cars shipped to DC the day before, so once we arrived in D.C. they were already parked and waiting for us. We had also shipped our clothes as well. We both decided not to bring too much, deciding to just start fresh, anything we would need we could just buy once we got here. Besides, our belongings would have been too reflective of who we are, and I know June doesn't care who knows him or not, but I do, so I was just fine with packing light. I was feeling a change was needed anyway for this new chapter in my life.
After we arrived we said our goodbyes, I know June wanted to come with me and help me get settled in, but I assured him that wasn't necessary, he needed to get settled in himself, all of this was just as new to him as it was to me, and I know he just wanted to be my protector and make sure I was safe at all times, but I'm a big girl, and there will be times when my family won't be there to watch over me or won't be able to keep an eye on me, that's life. Besides, for the majority of my life I have been independent in all that I did, that wasn't about to change now. We promised to meet up later for dinner, and so I could see his new place. He was lucky and didn't have to live on campus like I did. It was a requirement that all freshmen live on campus, but it was just for that year. More than likely once this year was over, I would move into an apartment close to campus or at the same apartment building where June lived.
After I unlocked the door and stepped inside the first thing I noticed was how bare it was, it looked like I was the first one there. But I thought Dean Gilbert said Julia already checked in? I thought to myself. I shrugged, "She may have checked in, but that doesn't necessarily mean she moved in already," I said aloud as I further inspected the room. It was big, with three doors, two of the doors were opened so I knew that they were bedrooms and the other door was closed. I went over to that door and opened it to see that it was a bathroom, with a big vanity mirror, toilet and a stand in shower with frosted glass doors. I did a mini cheer, because I was so happy that I wouldn't have to worry about communal bathrooms. I can share with one person, but with 40 other people on my floor?
Oh hell no.
I left the bathroom and continued looking around. There wasn't much left, just the common area, that had a media console, a bookshelf, a couch, and two matching love seats. The media console and bookshelf were a dark mahogany wood, and the couch and love seats were a dark neutral color, so it would be easy to pair with other colors without clashing. Next to the door when you walked inside the room was a counter space with a sink and cabinets, but no kitchen appliances. I guess those either aren't allowed or you have to bring your own. I didn't have a set color scheme in mind, I wanted to wait until I met Julia and got acquainted with her to discuss all of that. Part of me was worried to be living with a complete stranger, but an even larger part was excited.
I was finally experiencing the college life!
I just hoped that she was cool and friendly, and not super rude or stuck up. I've read plenty of disaster stories about college roommates, and I've been praying since I found out I got in Howard that I would get a roommate that would be a perfect match to who I am. After all the praying I've done SURELY the Lord won't let me down.
I grabbed my bags and walked into the room on the left and sat them down by the closet, because that was the one that had my name on the door. The room was a bit small, but it was perfect. On one side of the room there was a desk with a chair, that matched the bookshelf and console in the common area, and on the other side was a twin sized bed. Next to it was a nightstand, and in the corner was a dresser. Along the wall near the door was a built-in wardrobe where I could hang up my clothes, and the doors were the same color as the rest of the furniture, which I greatly appreciated. This was the perfect blank canvas for me to start with and to personalize to my liking.
Even though I felt a change was needed, I still wanted to stick to what I knew and what made me feel comfortable and like me, so I knew I wanted to stick with gold, but I think this time around I wanted to use it as an accent color and not the primary color. This was a new beginning in my life, and green represents new beginnings, so for the past month or so I had been going over different color swatches and patterns to help visualize how I wanted my new 'home' to look. I had ultimately decided to go with emerald green and a rich metallic gold as my color scheme, and I began shopping around online for bedding and furniture that would pair well with it. I didn't order anything yet, because I knew that everything I wanted I could easily order it and have it shipped overnight, and since it was the weekend and the semester hadn't yet started, I would stay with June until it arrived. I was so glad I waited, because now that I knew the color scheme I had matched with the color of the furniture in the room, everything would go as planned.
I unlocked my phone and was about to go ahead and order everything but before I could I was interrupted by an incoming Facetime request from my mama. I smiled as I answered it, the call connecting for a second before she popped up on the screen. She was holding Simone, which was no surprise to me at all; she was always holding her, at this point I was convinced that Mommy had her just for her, because that's how she acted, "Hey Mama, and Nugget," I greeted as I walked back into the shared space, grabbing my airpods out my purse and putting them in just in case my roommate showed up while we were talking.
"My Baby! The B-Day album, huh?" she asked with a smirk before laughing softly, "I wonder who's idea that was," she said.
I laughed, "Yeah you should have seen the look on my face when I walked up to my door and saw it, I thought the universe was playing a joke on me. Room 203 has the Destiny Fulfilled album cover on theirs, and there's a poster-sized picture of you from your ever iconic Coachella performance on the wall too. The whole hall is a Black women in music theme. I'm just gonna call it a coincidence and not overthink it," I said with a shrug as I sat back in the love seat, I must admit, it was real comfortable.
Whoever is in charge of housing has good taste.
She nodded, her lips pursed into an understanding smile, "Ok, I'll follow your lead on that one, I won't send any NDA's just yet. Do you like your room? Flip the camera and let me see! I want to experience this with you too, I feel so out the loop because you won't let me be there with you," she said with a pout, making Nugget let out a little whine, "I knowww, your sister has me all out the loop, tell her, 'don't do her like that'," she said to her in a baby voice as she rubbed her back.
I playfully rolled my eyes. So overdramatic, I thought to myself before flipping the camera and standing up so I could give her a tour of my room, starting with the shared space, followed by the bathroom, and then ending with my room. The whole time Mama was looking around intently, giving approving nods here and there. I could tell she liked it, "So that's everything, I really like it and I'm so glad I waited before I ordered anything because now I know that the furniture matches the color scheme I had in mind for my room. Now I just need to order everything and have it shipped overnight so I can have it tomorrow," I said and then a real sheepish look appeared on my mother's face.
"See about that... I kinda did a thing," she said and my smile fell as I gave her a look.
"Oh no, what did you do?" I said, my tone full of dread. I don't know if I was going to like what she was about to say or not.
"Now wait a minute, hear me out first. One day while you were working on your vision board for how you wanted your room to look you left your computer unattended and I saw what you wanted for your room, so I went ahead and got it for you. It should be there any moment now," she sheepishly replied and I groaned and began to whine.
"Mamaaa! whyyy? I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I'm not, but you didn't have to do that, I had everything taken care of," I whined.
Just then there was a knock on the door. I looked at her before going over to the door and opening it to reveal Dean Gilbert on the other side, "It seems you have a very special delivery, so I'm personally delivering it to you to make sure you get it," she said,her tone and the look on her face let me know she was anything but impressed.
I gave her a tight lipped, stressed smile, "Thanks Dean Gilbert, I appreciate it," I said, and she moved to the side to allow the slew of movers to start bringing everything in. I knew this wasn't helping my case in the slightest, and judging by the look on her face she probably felt even more like I was some entitled, spoiled rich kid.
"Oooh why she got an attitude? And why does her voice sound like that? Flip your camera again so I can see what she looks like," I heard my mom say in my ear, trying to be petty, but I ignored her.
"May I say, we've had students move in with a lot of their belongings, but we've never had anything of this magnitude. May I remind you, this is a dorm, not Beverly Hills," she said, but even though that was all she said, from the tone of her voice you could still feel all the shade she was throwing subliminally.
Not only did I catch it, but my Mama caught it as well, but unlike my mother, I had already figured out that this was just her personality, and not to take it to heart, "Aye what is her problem? Sasha give her the phone, let me talk to her," Mama said, and I could hear her starting to get worked up.
"Let me call you back," I said as I started to hang up.
"Sasha hang up that phone if you want to and see that I don't be up there within the hour," she growled, and I sighed deeply.
See, this is that energy I don't need in my life right now. Mama knucking and bucking and ready to fight, and the Dean doesn't even know she just walked into the lion's den, led by the Queen Bey.
"Ma noo, stop, it's fine. Just let me call you back," I said, quickly hanging up. Of course my mom immediately called back but I declined the call, also silencing it.
Dean Gilbert's eyes widened in slight fear once she realized that I was not only on a phone call, but on a call with my mother, but I gave her a calm, reassuring smile, "I completely understand, and I assure you, this is just a one time thing. I was actually going to take care of everything myself, but my mom surprised me," I explained and her facial expression softened in understanding.
"Well I do understand, not just from being a mother myself, but from how I grew up as well. We just want to give our children the best of the best, and everything you want, need, and things you don't even know you need. The things parents do to make their child happy, you know?" she said with a slight shrug just as the movers began to exit one by one.
I figured it out. From the two encounters I've had with Dean Gilbert so far, I think by default she comes at you with a tough love approach, but the more you talk to her the more she begins to soften up, but she still has a brash undertone about her, and from the way she carries herself I could tell that she came from old, southern money, which is stark difference from new money, especially when you're black. She actually reminds me of a character from this one show from back in the 80s that I used to watch when I was a kid, but I forget the name of it.
I nodded, "Yes ma'am, I know, and I don't take it lightly or for granted. I'm aware of how blessed I am, just like I'm aware that my circumstances could be completely different, that's why I strive to be respectful of everyone regardless of who they are, because of who I come from. What I have is not nearly as important to me as who I am as a person," I said, and she straightened up a bit as she took in my words, her body language becoming reverent.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get a point across without having to get out of character and remaining respectful.
She gave me an impressed nod, a look of pride on her face, "I'll leave you to your unpacking," she said before turning and leaving.
I closed the door behind her, releasing a deep breath before looking at my phone, because I knew I now had to tame the dragon that is my mother.
I unlocked my phone and saw a plethora of missed calls and texts, all from my mother, the last text being, I'm coming up there. After I read that, I frantically called her back, hoping to stop her before she could do that.
She answered after the third ring, "Oh you wanna call me back now after I said I was coming up there? Don't try to stop me Sasha I'm on my way up there, you shouldn't have hung up," she said and I could tell she was upset.
"Mama please don't come up here, it's not even that serious! Plus I handled it!" I argued.
"Sasha who is the parent, me or you? It doesn't matter if you handled it or not, because I'm going to make sure it's handled. Don't tell me what to do, I know what I'm doing! And another thing, I don't like how you keep trying to keep me from coming up there, I don't care how independent you think you are, you are still 16 and I am still your mother, so respect me as such! I don't like this sudden disrespect," she said angrily.
"I didn't mean to disrespect you Mama, but you were getting upset for no reason and-
"So your Dean talking to you any kind of way is not a reason for me to get upset? A GROWN woman talking to MY daughter like she crazy because she feel a way that I had your dorm stuff delivered? Are you really trying to sit up here and tell me that?"
"Yes! Because I've already talked to her today and I realized that's just who she is, and I didn't take any offense to it!"
"Just because you weren't offended doesn't make it right, it is still very much unacceptable and I'm going to make that clear to her when I see her," she said and I groaned.
"Mama nooo, you really doing too much, I don't need you to fight my battles," I said becoming exasperated.
"No, YOU are the one who's doing too much talking to me like that. I don't care if you just checked in, keep it up and you'll be checking right back out and coming home, and won't be back until next year like I should have had you do in the first place. Don't let your newfound freedom get you caught up, cause you've been up there not even four hours and already acting brand new, and I don't like it, so like I said, I'll be there in a few hours. Bye Sasha," she said before hanging up.
I wanted to scream.
Instead I settled for crying.
"This isn't fair!" I said to no one as the tears poured from my eyes. How did things go from 0-100 so fast? I cried for a few more minutes until I got an incoming Facetime from Mommy. I sniffled as I answered the phone.
Once the call connected and Mommy could see my face she pouted, "Aw Baby don't cry," she said and that just made me cry harder.
"But Mommy, it's not fair! I just got here and now Mama is wanting to take me right back out," I cried.
"Well Baby, can you blame her? Your parents and I have worked hard to ensure that by the time you go off on your own you wouldn't have to deal with people like that, but the very second we let you go off on your own, you're dealing with someone who's the very kind of person we didn't want you to have to worry about. And don't get me wrong, I know that's inevitable, sometimes in life you will come across people like that, but we didn't think it would be so soon."
"I know, but Mommy she really isn't that bad of a person. If you talk to her long enough she mellows out a lot."
"Maybe so, but we would have to see that for ourselves. I believe you when you say that, but some things you have to take by face value and not by hearsay. And you may not like what I'm about to say, but I agree with your mother. You haven't been gone long and you're already beginning to make us skeptical of our decision to send you out there by yourself. And you can say you're a big girl and independent and all of that, but at the end of the day Poohbear, you're still sixteen. So much of the time we look at you and talk to you and it's like we're looking and talking to a young adult, so wise and ready to take on the world, but then sometimes something might happen that will remind us that you are still 16, and there is still so much you have yet to learn. This is one of those times Baby. Talking back, and hanging up on your mother? That's not like you, you've never done that, not even when you and your mother aren't as close as you are now. Disrespecting her like that is not going to make her bend to your will the way you want her too, and even though she seems mad now, she's actually really hurt by your actions.
Now you may think she's overreacting, but she's actually reacting the right way, it's you that's acting unusual. You've become so secretive, you don't want us going anywhere near DC, like you think the second Bey lands in DC someone is going to put two and two together and immediately figure out she's your mother. You know, sometimes the more you try to hide something, the more you push it into view," she said, and it was like I had got hit by a sack of bricks. I had felt so bad, "I understand you're ready to go out and live the college life, but don't you think we want to share that experience with you? You did everything by yourself, from applying, getting accepted, getting a full ride scholarship, picking your classes, hell even visiting the campus and checking in, you did by yourself. Before your mother knew it you had already gotten accepted into Howard and there was no turning back.
We didn't get to experience any of that with you because of your fear of people finding out who your mother is, and that might be alright to you, but that isn't alright with us. We raised you and prepared you for this moment and you took away our ability to celebrate with you. Yes you're a college student, but we're the parents of a college student, and like all parents of college students we wanted to experience the process with you. We wanted to help you pack, and go shopping with you for your dorm room, and help you move in, and take pictures in your newly decorated room, and cry when it was time for us to leave, but we didn't get that chance, because that's not what you wanted.
We didn't even know what plans you had for how you wanted to decorate your room, your mother just happened to stumble upon your vision board. You know why she went and bought all of the things you wanted? Because she felt like she could finally be a part of your college experience, she could finally help out in some kind of way. Now I didn't tell you all of that to make you feel bad, I told you all of that so you could slow down and reevaluate some things. Don't be so quick to leave home and live your own life, that you toss everyone who helped you get to where you are to the side. It's not like we didn't not want you to go, but you're treating us like we kicked you out and made you have to fend for yourself and that's not true. We're here and we have the means and resources to help you and we want to do just that but you have to let us. It's like you've been promoted, but you're punishing us for it, you know? Make that make sense to me," she explained.
I wiped my eyes, even though she wasn't trying to make me feel bad, she sure did a great job making me feel bad anyway. But it was nobody's fault but mine, "I didn't mean to do that, I was just so excited, and I felt I could do this by myself, and you all wouldn't have to worry about helping me, because I know how stressful it can be and you all ha so much on your plates already. And I'm sorry for being disrespectful, I really didn't mean to, I was just trying to douse the flames before things got too out of control, but because of how I handled it that ended up happening anyway. And I'm sorry for being so selfish; I was so caught up in trying to be my own person that I ended up pushing away the people who helped me to become this person. I made it all about me, but it was a group effort and I'm really sorry," I said remorsefully. I felt so bad and I just wished I could go back in time and redo a lot of things I did so that my mothers could be more involved. If they allowed me to stay, I would definitely open up more and give them a lot more room to be involved in my life. I hate that I shut them out so much and took away their chance to send their daughter off to college. Now I understood even more why Mama was crying and acting the way she was. If they gave me a second chance I would definitely do things the correct way.
I started crying again because I felt so bad, and Mommy looked at me sympathetically, "Stop crying Poohbear, it's going to be alright. I know you didn't mean to do it, and I accept your apology. It was just a minor setback, We can get passed this. Just let me talk to your mama and calm her down so you two can be able to talk and come to a resolve, and more importantly you can apologize to her as well, because she's the one you really need to be apologizing to. Go and clean your face and start unpacking, your mama didn't buy all that stuff to just sit in a box," she said and I nodded as I got up and went over to my purse to get my little package of Kleenex since I had no towels or other toiletries unpacked.
After I wiped my eyes and blew my nose I looked a lot better, "That's better, now you look like my Poohbear. I gotta go, I'm gonna talk to your mother, and then we'll call you later. I can't stop her from coming up there, but I can try my best, ok?"
I nodded, "I love you Baby," she said.
I smiled sadly, "I love you too Mommy." She blew me a kiss before ending the call.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to give myself a reassuring pep talk and have at the required mustard seed size of faith that everything would be alright before getting up and heading into my room to see what all had been delivered. I walked into my room and the first thing I saw was the dark emerald twin sized headboard sitting behind my bed. In the corner by the closet was a door sized vanity mirror that was trimmed in a gold marble. There were a collection of boxes where I could tell from the size of it it had to be the pictures I had chosen that matched the color scheme as well as my personal art style. There was some other boxes but I had an idea of what it was, bedding and what not. The movers were kind enough to set up my headboard for me so I wouldn't have to, to which I was grateful, because it looked heavy. However, I was so much more grateful for my mother buying it for me, and just doing this for me period. It wasn't till now that I realized that I didn't even say thank you, I just acted like a big brat. I felt bad all over again.
I sighed sadly, I gotta make this right, I thought to myself. I had a momentary lapse in sanity, and got too ahead of myself, now it was time to rear it back in a little and get back on the straight and narrow. I shook myself out of my funk, "Get it together Sasha, you don't dwell in sad emotions you rise above. You know what you did was wrong, and you know what to do to make it right, so stop dwelling on the past, because you can't change that. Just make sure what you do now will create a better future. Take a deep breath like Dr. B always suggests, and play some music, that always makes you feel better," I said to myself trying to hype myself and get out of the head space I was currently in. I took a few deep breaths and already I began to feel better. Then I grabbed my phone and went to Apple Music, going to my chill music playlist and hit play. Outkast's Ms. Jackson began to play and I immediately started dancing to the beat.
"Sorry Ms. Jackson, ooooh, I am fo' reaaaaalllll"
"Never meant to make your daughter cry, I apologize a trillion times," someone sang behind me, scaring the absolute shit out of me. I jumped as my body whipped around to face the person.
∆•∆•∆
Dun Dun Dun!
Who was it?
I'm sorry for the long wait y'all writer's block is a bit-
anywho.
What did y'all think of the chapter?
What do you think will happen next?
Predictions?
Don't forget to vote and comment, I love talking to y'all!
Until next time, and I PROMISE it won't be another month, it'll actually be way sooner than you think.
Peace and blessings.