This is a double update so, if you haven't read chapter 43 don't read this chapter.
Harry's POV
"But you did! You did end up being another person I loved that has hurt me!"
The thing that has been repeating in my head since she left our bedroom. There was nothing else I could've said to her, nothing else I could've said to get her to stay. I've been laying on the floor drinking my problems away like I've done so many times before since she left me. I just can't handle having her in the same house as me but feeling like we are a thousand miles apart. Does she even love me anymore?
Even if she does, I don't deserve it. I took her love for granted and once again was selfish. I lied because I wanted to have her for the rest of my life but now it will take me the rest of my life to get over her. I tried to be better, I was better for her. I tried to stop smoking, I tried to put her wellbeing before my own, I tried to express my feelings to her. I tried to be a better man for her. I tried to give her the love she deserved and even when I did it still came crashing down. I don't make promises I can't keep, I broke my promise to her grandmother.
"I'm sorry my motives for your granddaughter were cold. It was before I became truly captivated by her, before she crawled under my skin and made me her home, before anytime I see the color red I think of her, before sitting on my balcony made me think of her laugh, before I started making my coffee a little sweeter so it was like she was kissing me, before I slowly cut back on smoking so I will have a longer life with her. It was before the idea of dying now suddenly scaring me because I'm scared of leaving her or vice versa. It was before I fell in love with her. I don't make promises I can't keep, so when I say I promise I will be the one person who won't break her I mean it. If I have to, I will give my life for her. Today I promise to you this; I will laugh with her in times of joy and cry with her in times of sorrow. I will support her as she strives to achieve her wildest dreams. I will listen to her with compassion and understanding, and speak to her with encouraging words. I will love her faithfully through the difficult and the easy, and I will fall more and more in love with her each day because that is what she deserves."
I promised I would be the one person who wouldn't break her, look where we are now. I should've just told her, I should just been fucking honest. I would like to say I kept this all a secret for her but that would be another lie. It was for myself, for my feelings, my wants, my needs. I guess love makes us do strange things. Maybe that's why I never fed into it, because it fucking kills you.
I take another swig off the bottle resting in my hand, finishing off what is left of it before setting the empty bottle on the floor. I was lost without her and now, I'm lost again with her. I don't know what I can do to fix this. I don't even know if she is still my girlfriend or if that ship has sailed far, far away. If the world thinks it can keep us apart, then it hasn't been paying attention because there is nothing, nothing, I wouldn't do just to stay by her side. Of all the people I used to be, I miss the one she loved, the most.
I pick up the letter she wrote for me from my side and stare at the words on the page. I will love you as long as the sun burns in the sky, as long as the moon shines its light into the dark night, until the raging blue oceans become calm and run dry. I will love you until the end of time. She said she would love me until the end of time, I guess time ran out for us.
God I need to stop being a sappy little bitch and do something to fix this, I can't handle the bullshit of this in between place we now reside in. In between being in love and out of love. In between hating each and being civil. I have manipulated everyone who has ever fallen in love with me to fall in love with me. Either that makes me a very good liar or a very unlovable human being.
I push my back off of the concrete floor of the bedroom, lightheadedness taking over my sense from intoxication. I squeeze my eyes shut to try and overcome the feeling before standing up but end up falling back down on my ass.
"Mother fucker." I groan as quietly as possible. I just need to hold her for a second. I thought she was dead, I thought I would never get to hold her in my arms again. She wants space though, and space I will give her. For now I will continue my selfish ways one last time just to relish in the feeling of her bdy next to mine.
I stagger my way towards the bedroom door and step out into the hallway. I close my eyes at the intrusion of the dim hallway lighting, complete contrast to the almost pitch black bedroom I was just in. I walk over to stand in front of the guest room door, pausing for a moment to consider the damage my actions are about to cause. She can't hate more than she already does, right? I just can't handle the distance. She's so close yet so far and I've missed her so much. I miss her and she's right behind this door. I slowly push the handle of the door and open it, trying my hardest not to make a single sound. I drunkenly step into the room and close the door behind me, the chill of the cold air flowing through the room making goosebumps rise on the exposed skin of my chest and arms. It's so dark in here that I can barely see anything.
I keep my steps soft and slow as I walk blind into the room until I feel the side of the bed bump my legs. I sit down on the bed for a brief moment, my eyes finally adjusting to the darkness. Parker is laying on her right side facing the wall and window, most likely asleep. I place a hand on her back and feel her body slightly pull back and tense up, but then it suddenly relaxes to my touch. She's still awake. I pull my hand back but continue to sit on the bed.
"I know you want space, and I will give you space but I have one request." I slur a bit as I softly speak my words.
"What's your request?" she whispers after releasing a huff of air.
"Can I lay down with you? I won't sleep in here, that I can promise you. I just thought I would never see you again and would really like to just hold you for a second. It's okay if you don't want me to, I'll leave and you can have as much space as you want."
I wait a few seconds for her response but when I don't receive one I take that as an answer and move to get off the bed. I'm almost completely off the bed but I'm stopped when her hand reaches back to grab my wrist.
"You can stay. Please stay." She whispers again, pain laced within her tone.
"I'll always stay." I whisper back before I climb back onto the bed, tucking my body behind her and wrapping an arm around her naked body, her skin freezing cold. I hold her close but not too close that we are fully touching. The feeling of her this close to me is enough to make me want to cry, god I missed this. I missed having her, all of her.
The distance between us is still present though. You don't know what distance truly is until you've shared a bed with somebody who's falling out of love with you. As her hand laces with mine, resting her head on top of it, maybe she does still have love for me.
"Do you love me?" I pathetically ask, knowing the answer has the potential to hurt more than when she first told me that she loved me, past tense.
"I can't answer that Harry, it hurts."
"Because you mean it or because you don't?"
"I would never say it if I didn't mean it. You know that."
"So did you mean it when you said you loved me, like you didn't love me anymore?"
"I don't know what to say to you except that it tore my heart out of my body, leaving you was the worst pain I've ever felt and I've felt more pain than one person should in a lifetime. The hardest thing I have ever done was walking away still madly in love with you. I always believed we would find our way back to each other each time we left, but this time it felt final. Like I would never see you again, or that when I did, it would be different- there would be a mountain between us. I could just feel it. You were something I had to learn to live without because I thought I would never see you again." She says while flipping around to face me, though the darkness prevents us from being able to see each other's faces I know her face looks sad.
"Harry, you have to understand that I regretted what I did the moment I left. It wasn't easy to do. I went through fucking hell, physically and emotionally. I knew if we found a way back to each other there would be a huge shift. I just didn't think it would be like this. I'm hurt knowing that you even considered using me and then chose to lie to me about all of it because I told you I've been hurt and used by others. That's the opposite of what you should've done. I fucked up and I know that but you have to understand why I did what I did. I thought Alan kidnapped you, hurt you, was going to kill you. I know that if you were in my position you would've done the same thing if it meant you could save me. Am I wrong?"
"No, you're right. I would've done the same thing." I say after a long pause, finally starting to see things from her perspective. I would do the exact same thing she did in a heartbeat if it meant she would be safe. There is still damage though from when I thought she was dead.
"Parker, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I dragged you into all of this. I'm sorry that I lied to you. I'm sorry that I hurt you."
"You fucked up. You know that you fucked up. You're sorry, I get it. Trust me, I get it but, you being sorry won't change what you did. You being sorry, won't change the way that I look at you now... it won't change how I feel about you now. Everyone has their limits, their boundaries. Fine lines that once you cross, you can't cross back over. I had a fine line... you crossed it... and now you have to stay on the other side for a little bit until we can work this out."
"I thought we agreed to be the line. So neither of us would get hurt if we crossed it." I say, reminiscing on the time where everything shifted for me.
"Yeah, we did. Look where we are now." She breathes out with a deep sigh. "I'm exhausted, we should both try to get some sleep."
"I just wish you could love me like you used to." I say once she turns back over so her back is facing me once again.
"I do too."
I laid there in bed with her for most of the night, until just right before sunrise. I promised I wouldn't sleep in there but I can't really sleep without her. I still kept my promise though and left, going back into our bedroom and ended up sitting on the balcony, still rarely sleeping in what used to be our bed. At least she's speaking to me. At least she does want to work this out. This is not me vs. her, it's us vs. the problems that we caused. I don't want to fight with her and I don't think she wants to fight with me either. We just are hurting, in the same and different ways.
She needs space to heal from the pain that I've caused her and maybe I need space too, to understand everything, see everything from her perspective. I won't give up on her, I can't. I don't know why but I just can't. I think I'm attached to her in this really weird way. In the letters that I found out were to me that Parker would read to me, she always talked about souls, how our souls are connected. Maybe that is true.
If it is true then your soulmate is not someone that comes into your life peacefully. Your soulmate is the person who makes you question things, who changes your reality, somebody that marks a before and after in your life. It is not the human being everyone has idealized, but an ordinary person, who manages to revolutionize your world in a second.
When two souls fall in love, there is nothing else but the yearning to be close to one another. The presence that is felt through a hand held, a voice heard, or a smile seen. Souls do not have calendars or clocks, nor do they understand the notion of time or distance. They only know it feels right to be with one another. This is the reason why you miss someone so much when they are not there- even if they are only in the very next room. Your soul only feels their absence- it doesn't realize the separation is only temporary.
I don't believe that anyone who's ever loved us can drift so far from us that we could not reach out and pull them back if we honestly tried. At some point we must accept at least partial responsibility for what has transpired by admitting to ourselves that we don't simply lose people, on some level we let them go. Perhaps it was too difficult or too painful to try... or maybe the relationship seemed too short-lived or too broken to salvage. No matter the reasons it all fell apart, people can still fall back into each other's arms for a second try at love if the feelings are still there. Our feelings are still there, at least I would like to believe they are. I know they are for me but I can't speak for her.
But it is not simply a matter of wishing for another chance. We are giving so many chances to win back the people we've loved and lost, if only we'd see those opportunities for what they really are. But the funny thing about chances is, you have to take the chance... and the sad part is that most people are too scared, too stubborn, too stupid or too hurt from the first time around to take the chances they are given. So do I believe that we are given a second chance at loving the same person twice? Yes, I believe we are given many, but I also believe that we usually screw them up. All I know is that if she gives me another chance, which the events tonight are showing promise for, I will do absolutely anything because she still has my heart, and she always will.
-AUTHORS NOTE-
Progress people, progress. Good things come with time.
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KISSES!!!!