I was completely numb as I sat outside the prison, trying to get up the nerve to go inside. My hands were shaking, and I was almost afraid if I stood up and got out of the car, I would pass out on the spot. I had gotten any an hour of sleep last night, tossing and turning as I went over all of this again.
There was so much stacked against Luca. So much evidence. So much animosity between him and the police. So much riding on the outcome of this.
I had always been so sure of my future with Luca, but now it felt like it was crumbling around me. Who ever thought I was equipped to handle this? Who thought I could be the kind of mother my children needed in the midst of all of this? That I could help Marco lead this group? Help him figure out what truly happened? I was failing from every angle right now and the person who usually built me back up when I stumbled was quite possibly never coming home.
More than anything, I was failing Luca. I had my doubts, and I felt like a terrible excuse of a wife for even entertaining them. In my heart of hearts, I knew he wasn't capable of what they were accusing him of. But I still felt like he was lying to me, holding something back. There was just too much shit for it to have been as innocent as he claimed. I was frustrated and angry, and sitting here in front of the jail, I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. This was never supposed to happen. He'd sworn we had nothing to worry about. And as much as I hated to admit it, I was furious with him for letting it. He was suffering just as much, or more than I was, but it was his fault.
I got myself together as much as I could and headed inside.
The sharp sound of the metal gate closing behind me made me jump. I was a hot mess right now, my anxiety and nerves skyrocketing as I walked down the long corridor.
"Right here, ma'am." One of the guards barked, pointing to a faded duct tape line on the ground. "Someone will be up to check your bag shortly."
Suddenly I felt nauseous. Everything about this made me sick, and in turn, absolutely infuriated that Luca had put me in this position. I tried to work this out in my mind over the last few days, but it was like every time I realized what was happening, I became paralyzed. Paralyzed with anger, with fear, with shame and sadness.
There was a window to the right of me, and I checked my appearance quickly. I wasn't exactly sure why. I hadn't seen Luca in days, but I wasn't in any kind of mood to be looking good for him. Really, I just wanted to be sure I didn't look as strung out as I felt. Like I hadn't been up all night crying my eyes out and reaching over to feel the coldness of his spot in the bed. Like I hadn't lied to my children about where I was headed this morning. Like I hadn't felt every piece of my heart breaking realizing that this could be our future. That I may never get my life or my family back again. That I may just be restricted to seeing Luca every other weekend for three hours, not even able to kiss him.
When I wasn't feeling absolutely livid with him, I was devastated. I was broken and shattered, and I didn't even know how to function. Somehow I was trying to make it work for the kids, but the truth was, I was losing my mind. I couldn't do this for the rest of my life, and if it was our new reality, I didn't know what that meant for my marriage. I fought a few tears back at the thought of it and cleared my throat. I couldn't go in there and fall apart. I had to stand my ground. I had to do what I came here to do and try to make some sense of this madness. I had to decide for myself if I really believed him or not.
"Ma'am?" I hadn't noticed another guard appear at my side. "Your bag?"
"Of course, I'm sorry." I put on a fake smile, composing myself despite the adversity we were facing and pretending everything was fine, like I had done for the last 16 years of my life.
I opened my bag up as a guard used a wand to search it. He pulled out my hand sanitizer and threw it in the trash. "Can't take that inside."
"Oh." I said, somewhat startled. "Okay."
"All set." The guard cleared me and nodded down the hallway. "All the way to the end and take a right."
I nodded, putting my purse back over my shoulder and tucking it tightly beneath my arm. This place gave me the creeps.
I did as he said and, when I turned, I came into a large atrium type room with metal picnic benches. Several of them were full of other inmates and families here for visiting hours. I hated that we were here, and it made my stomach turn so much I almost turned around and ran right out of here.
"Charlotte." Luca's voice startled me, coming from the side. I snapped my neck in that direction and saw him standing next to an empty picnic table. I bit my lip, taking in the sight. Luca was completely disheveled. He was unshaven, the orange of his jumpsuit washing his face out, and his lip was swollen, probably from some kind of altercation. His eyes were dark and desperate, the slightest bit of hope blanketing his face as he gazed back at me. "You came."
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Instead, I just nodded.
"Do you want to sit down?" He offered, gesturing to the table. He was being delicate with me, and it almost infuriated me more. It wasn't like Luca to pussy foot around me like he thought I might break at any second. Normally, he was crass and rough, but it seemed the tables were turning.
I glanced down at the table, wondering how many germs were on that thing. The last thing I wanted to do was sit on it, but I didn't have much of a choice. "Sure."
I followed him over there, and he sat on the opposite bench. He reached out for my hand, squeezing it tightly. That was the only physical contact we were allowed while I was here for visits.
Luca looked down at my hand for a second and frowned, running his thumb over my bare left finger. "You're not wearing your wedding ring." He said plainly.
My mouth fell open in a shock. That was a hell of a way to start this conversation. I hadn't spoken to him since he'd been dragged out of our house in handcuffs and he was really going to start with that?
"That's what you're concerned about, Luca?" I sneered, unable to mask my irritation. "You're sitting in a jail cell on trial for murder and my jewelry is what concerns you?"
"Fuck, Char." Luca ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, picking up on my feelings and realizing that he had fucked up again. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I keeping fucking things up and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to stop hurting you. I'm not concerned about your jewelry, I'm concerned about you. And the kids. And how we're going to make this work."
I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself again. This was my life for the last few weeks. I'd have these emotional outbursts where what I was truly feeling came out and then id have to put a brave face back on for those around me. "The kids are fine. Leo has a football game Friday and Cole has his debate retreat. Lucy is going to go with me to the game, I think."
"Good." Luca nodded. "This is a big game for them, isn't it? If they win, they'll make the final four?"
I nodded. "Coach Hackett is starting him at quarterback."
Luca's eyes widened with pride. "Really? He must be so excited. He's been working so damn hard for that."
"He has." I pressed my lips together. "It would be nice if his father could be there to see it."
Luca's face hardened, and he squeezed my hand again. "I'm going to make this right. You know that, don't you? I'm going to get out of here, and I am going to make this up to you and the kids and everyone I've hurt."
I rubbed my forehead, wishing with all my heart I could believe what he was telling me. "I need to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me." I let out a heavy sigh.
"Anything, baby." I hated the look in his eyes. He was so desperate for my reassurance, but I was so mad right now I just couldn't find it in me to give that to him.
"Did you do it?"
Luca recoiled back like I had slapped him across the face. "How can you even ask me that, Charlotte? You know me."
"I thought I did." I took my hand back and folded my arms across my chest.
"Don't do that, Charlotte. You have every right to be upset with me for lying to you and for the way this has turned out, but don't act like that. That's not fair, and you know it." He said pointedly.
Fair? He had the audacity to talk to me about what was fair? "No, Luca, what's not fair is that our children had to watch you be dragged out of our house in handcuffs. That you hid this from me for over a decade of our marriage. That your daughter, who is supposed to be enjoying her junior year at NYU called me last night to ask her if I wanted her to postpone her semester and come home so she could help out with her brothers and sister. That I'm on my own figuring out how to raise four teenagers and run your God damn business while you're sitting in here. And that I just sat out in that disgusting waiting room for two hours with all kinds of creepy people."
"Did someone do something to you?" Luca stiffened.
"You don't get to talk right now, Luca. You don't get to tell what's fair and what's not fair when you've done this to us." Angry tears stung my eyes. "So yeah, I'm asking you for the truth. Did you kill that woman?"
Luca took a deep breath in, defeat and devastation blanketing his face. I knew my words had been harsh, but he was still failing to see the gravity of all of this. He thought he was going to be able to skip out on these charges when the DA had a mountain of evidence against him. We were all suffering, and he wasn't taking any of this seriously and it only made me more angry.
"No, Charlotte." He finally said. "I swear to God, I swear on our marriage. On our children. I swear on everything that has ever meant anything to me that I had nothing to do with it. I know you're hurting and I knew I have fucked up beyond repair this time, but all I'm asking is that you don't give on me. Don't walk away from me. And from us. And from our marriage. Say you'll fight with me. Please, baby. Say you'll fight this with me."
I burst into tears the second that he finished talking. "Luca, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. I'm frustrated and I'm tired and angry and I can't believe that this is happening. I believe you, I really do, I just... there's more to the story, isn't there? You haven't told me everything."
He paused. "There is. But I can't talk about it here. They're listening, and I can't give you or anyone else my alibi without admitting to some other shit."
"Luca, if you know something that can get you out of here and you're not saying it because you're protecting that bastard, Axel..."
"It's not Axel, Char." His face fell. "Look, all I can say right now is I swear to God I didn't kill that girl. And I'm doing everything I can to prove that to you and to everyone else. But I can't tell the whole story. Not now, and maybe not ever."
My jaw nearly fell to the ground. "You can't be serious, Luca. I don't care who it is. If it gets you out of here, you have to tell someone."
"Times up Catalano." One of the guards grabbed Luca by the arm.
"I'm just saying goodbye to my wife." He said.
"You have fifteen seconds." The guard scowled, but let him go.
Luca wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. "I love you more than anything, Tesoro."
Tears streamed down my cheeks, as I knew our time was dwindling away. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want him to let go of me. I want done talking yet.
"Luca, please... who?" I begged for him to tell me.
"I can't, Charlotte." His voice was defeated. "Just trust me, okay? This will all work out."
The guard grabbed him again, barking at him about hugging me, and then they both disappeared behind the door. I sat back down at the table, covering my face in my hands, and continued to sob.
I had no idea what to do next.