Alexis' POV:
"That's it", Nichole said, as she set her camera down.
I looked at her questionably. "That's... it?"
She smiled. "Yep. That's it, babe."
"Wow", I said, happy that we had finished the photo shoot, but now wondering what all this meant. "Now what? I mean... what now?"
"Now... we give the photos the the agency. And let them decide. It's all out of our hands now."
And with that, there was a sense of finality. That was it. This is what it all came down to. I sighed nervously.
She put her arm around me. "Babe, it's gonna be fine. You've put the work in. And gave it your best. Now, it's out of our hands."
"So now what?" I asked, as she packed up her equipment.
"Now we wait. We wait to hear the agency's decision."
The decision.
The decision if they were going to use me for the cover of the magazine. Or not. The decision that could potentially decide so much of my career. Or lack of, for that matter. The decision, that I only knew too well, could make or break me. It could elevate me to success. Or leave me standing on the sidelines, never to get back "in the game."
And the truth was, like it or not, modeling had become important to me. And it's not like it was the end all be all. Because it wasn't. I was in college, deciding to major in art. I would be a college graduate in a few short years. So, it's not like modeling was all I had. But all the same, unexpectedly, modeling had somewhere along the line, become important to me. Because, quite simply, it made me feel good about myself. It gave me confidence.
But when I was modeling, it was always just me and Nicole. She didn't allow anyone else in the room when we were shooting. Because she knew, that would be too much for me. Because she knew my past, and all that I had been through. She knew I needed things to be kept simple, and uncomplicated. And she was definitely right about that.
Then suddenly it hit me. The reality of the situation came crashing down upon me.
"So", I said, as we walked to her office to finalize everything before giving the final photos to the agency. "What does all this really mean?"
She gave me a weird look." Lexi, what do you mean?"
And I suddenly felt overwhelmed. Because I knew we had talked about it, but up until now, it all felt like... well... just talk. Because honestly, I didn't think I'd ever actually get this far, because the agency had, after a long process, had narrowed it down to just me and two other models, both of who had way more experience than me. Way better credentials. Way better... everything. So, I didn't even really know if I had chance. But regardless, it suddenly all felt real. Or at least one step closer to being real.
"We already talked about this... a lot", she said. "Before you decided to even take this on."
"I know. But it never seemed real. Until now."
"Well, it's hard to know exactly. But being on the cover of a magazine could potentially skyrocket you to international fame, Alexis."
I gulped, suddenly feeling even more nervous . "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all."
"Why do you say that?" she asked, stopping what she was doing, and looked up from the photos that were scattered all over her desk.
"I don't know. That sounds... kinda scary", I said, honestly. Because up until now, my modeling "career" was just part time, scheduled around school, kinda do what I want when I want type of thing.
And even more noteworthy, was it was always just me and Nichole in the room. No one else was ever involved. And I knew the agency had used some of my photos for small projects before, but I was never involved with any of the business side of things or the decision-making process, or anything. I had been sheltered from everything. And although the agency had used me before, it was nothing like this.
"Alexis, you know you don't have to do this" she said, sounding concerned.
I shook my head. "No, I wanna do it." Because I did. I was just nervous. "I'm just a little nervous, is all.
"I know. And I get that. This is a big step for you. But, this is what you've been working for."
"Yeah", I said, still feeling nervous.
"Look, let's just wait and see what even happens. Because right now, we don't even know if you got it."
I simply nodded. Because she had a point. We didn't even now yet if the agency was even going to pick me.
"But we're about to find out", she said, as she gathered up the photos.
My eyes widened, as she stood up.
"I'm taking the photos to my supervisor right now."
"Now?" I said, standing up, as well. "Like... right now?"
"Yep. Right now."
"Then what?"
"There's a board meeting this afternoon to decide. So hopefully, we'll know soon."
She kissed my lips, and pulled me into a hug. "I'll be right back", she said, then disappeared down the hallway.
I sat back down to wait for her to come back. And even though I was sure it was only mere minutes that she was actually gone, it felt like an eternity. I felt so nervous, almost like I wanted to throw up. But even though I was filled with self-doubt and uncertainty, I knew I wanted this. Or did I? Fuck, I didn't know. I mean, was I in over my head here?
Just then Nichole returned. "Well, it's done. It's out of our hands now."
I simply nodded, because she was right . It was out of our hands. "I just want to go home", I said, suddenly feeling exhausted.
"Me too, it's been a long day", she agreed, as we headed out the door.
Once home, we had a quiet, romantic dinner together. Then went upstairs for some much needed cuddle time.
And much to my amusement, Sapphire decided to join us, as he made his way comfortably between us. Nichole laughed, as she patted his head, causing him to purr and rub against her. And within minutes, he found a cozy spot at the foot of the bed and curled up and fell fast asleep.
She pulled me close to her, and I instantly melted into her. She pressed her lips against mine, and I instantly kissed her back. And neither one of us pulled away, as we kissed for a long time, soft and slow.
"You're such a good kisser", I whispered against her soft, full lips. And honestly, it was true. She was an absolutely amazing kisser.
"So are you", she whispered back, as I felt her tongue brush against mine.
Her hands roamed underneath my shirt. And I could tell she was in the mood.
Then all of a sudden... I wasn't.
I broke the kiss.
"Babe... what's wrong?" she asked, obviously taken aback by my abruptness.
"Nikki... what if...", I said, then stopped.
"What if what?" she asked, her eyes full of concern, as she propped herself up on her elbow.
"What if I get the cover?" I asked, suddenly wondering if I made a mistake. Because modeling was something I loved and was passionate about, but maybe I had taken it too far. Maybe I was getting in over my head. And biting off way more than I could chew. Because at the end of the day, I was a very simple person. I liked simplicity and routine. And the last thing I wanted was for any of that to change. At all.
"Then you get it", she said, simply. "Then what you decide to do with it, is well...up to you."
I looked at her, somewhat confused. "Up to me?"
"Yes, of course. You're always gonna call the shots. Always."
And just hearing her say that instantly made me feel better. Because it gave me a sense of control. And right now, that was much needed.
I snuggled up to her, as a sense of contentment overtook me. "You're my hero, ya know that?"
She didn't say anything, because, honestly, I don't think she knew what to say. She was at a loss of words. Which didn't usually happen. Because Nikki was good with words. She always knew exactly what to say. In any situation.
"Lexi... I'm not... I'm not a hero. I'm just... me."
"But to me you are", I said, honestly.
And again, she didn't say anything.
"You saved me. You saved my life", I said, as I began thinking about something I never let myself think about. My past.
-
Flashback:
"But why?" I asked, pleadingly.
"Because. NO outsiders!", Cal snapped. "Ever! I told you that before."
"But she's just a friend", I said. Jaime was our neighbor. And sometimes when Cal wasn't home, I would talk to her. And me and her, well, kind of, sort of, somewhere along the line, had become... well... friends. And not that I ever confided in her about anything. Because I knew I couldn't. If I ever told anyone how Cal was abusing me, I knew he would likely kill me. Literally. I'd be good as dead. And it was just too big of a risk to take. So I kept it all inside. And never told anyone. Not even Jaime.
"If you talk to that bitch again, I'll fucking kill you, Alexis", he said, lighting up a cigarette. "Plain and simple. Understand?"
I gulped. But even though I was scared, I had to speak up, because I didn't want my friendship with her to end, because in a weird way, sometimes... I felt like... she was all I had. And I knew it didn't make any sense. Because she didn't really know me or anything about me. But she was literally my only connection to the outside world. The closest thing I had to a friend. The closest thing I had to reality. And I didn't want to lose that. I just couldn't. "But we don't talk about anything... personal", I said, hinting at the fact that I didn't talk about.... us.
He laughed, as he cracked a beer open. "It's only a matter of time until you go shooting your mouth off about our business."
"I promise I won't tell her anything."
He looked at me. "You got some mouth on you", he said, glaring at me.
I gulped nervously, as fear quickly washed over me, that maybe I pushed things too far.
"I-I... didn't mean anything", I said, shaking my head.
"Don't fucking talk back to me!", he yelled, throwing his empty beer can at my head, as I ducked just in time.
"I... I'm not... I'm just saying that I promise I won't tell her anything."
You promise, if what?" he asked, taking a hit off of his cigarette.
"If... if you let me be friends with her", I said, standing my ground. Sort of.
He stood up and pushed me against the wall. I had angered him. And it wasn't intentional. But for some reason, a reason I didn't really understand, Jaime's friendship was important to me. In a weird way, I needed her. Because she was my only connection to... normalcy. And suddenly it felt worth fighting for.
He pushed me. And I pushed him back. Angry that he was trying to take away the only thing I had. My only connection to the outside world. He had no one right.
"You have no right!" I yelled, pushing him again as hard as I could. Because honestly, something inside me snapped. He had ruined me. He had taken away everything I had. And had left me with nothing. A literal shell of myself. But he would take no more. Today it would stop.
His face filled with anger, because I had never pushed him back before. I quite simply, never had the goddamn nerve. But now, all that had changed. And I suddenly felt a strength within me, that I didn't even know I had.
I pushed him again.
And that's when HE now snapped.
He grabbed my wrists with one hand.
And the next thing I knew, I felt his fist collide with my face. And I took a hard blow that nearly brought me to my knees.
But instead of letting me fall to the ground with the only shred of dignity I had left, he held me up and punched me repeatedly in the face.
I tired to free my hands from his grip, in the only attempt I had to defend myself. Or to at least get away. But it was no use. He was too strong. Or I was too weak. Or maybe it was both. I didn't know.
And just then, he punched me hard in the stomach. And that was nearly all I remembered. After that everything went hazy.
He let go of my wrists, and let me fall to the floor, stripping me of all my dignity, as he kicked me over and over again.
"I'll fucking kill you, you stupid bitch, if you ever talk to her or anyone again!!!", he yelled.
But his words faded, as I went In and out of consciousness.
And that was the last thing I remember.
The next thing I knew, I woke up on the floor.
I blinked my eyes, and tried to comprehend where I was, why I was on the floor, and exactly what had happened.
But within seconds, it all come flooding back.
And I instantly froze. Just like I always did.
Was he here? That was always the question. Always the immediate concern. Always. Because until I knew that, nothing else even mattered.
Silence.
I laid perfectly still and didn't move a muscle. And I listened again. But this time for longer.
Silence.
I listened again, straining to hear anything. Anything at all.
Again, nothing. Silence.
But yet I still didn't chance it.
I laid on the floor, for what felt like forever, scared to death of making a fatal mistake. And quite simply, foolishly thinking he was gone when he wasn't, could indeed be a fatal error. One that I wasn't willing to take.
So I did the only thing I could. I laid there and listened. And listened again. Then again, and again. And again.
Then... only after a very, very, very long time... I moved. And found the courage to look around.
Nothing. I saw nothing.
I listened again.
Then looked again.
Nothing.
Nothing at all. Complete, utter silence.
I was alone. Completely alone.
I breathed a huge sigh a relief. Because I was safe. At that moment. And that was all that mattered. Because, like I said before, that's how I lived. One moment at a time. Every moment I survived, was a step in the right direction. Every breath I breathed, was a symbol of life. That I was still alive. And simply being alive was about all I could do. That was all I had.
I picked myself off the floor, and sat at the kitchen table. And the next thing, I knew, I felt the stinging of tears streaming down my face. Tears that wouldn't stop.
My body started shaking uncontrollably. And I instinctively began to rock my small, frail body back and forth, in the only attempt I had to comfort myself.
Then, suddenly it hit me. I was near my wits end. I could sense it.
There just wasn't much more that I could could take. It just wasn't there. I was nearing the end of my rope. I was quickly fading.
My body was weak, a combination of malnutrition and repeated beatings. My spirit was broken. My self-esteem was completely gone. I was a lifeless figure. A mere shadow of the person I used to be. It was all gone. There was nothing left.
I got up from the kitchen table and walked somberly into the bedroom, completely emotionless, devoid of all feelings. Of all humanity.
I opened up Cal's nightstand drawer, and took out an object that I knew was there.
A gun. His gun. Fully loaded. And I knew it was there because he had threatened me with it many, many times.
My hand shook as I pulled the gun out of the drawer.
And there was only one thought running through my head.
I was going to kill myself. I, quite simply, no longer wanted to live. And that was it. It was that simple.
I pulled back the trigger and pointed the gun to my head. And closed my eyes, as I anticipated the end. The inevitable.
My hand shook, as adrenaline pumped through my veins.
But suddenly, without warning, my entire life flashed before my eyes. But it wasn't of Cal. It was of my family. My mother and father. And sister. And within an instant, my mind suddenly began to flood full of happier times. And of love. A time when I was safe and loved and care for. A time when everything was right in the world. And why I had thought of them, I have no idea.
I put the gun down. Back into the drawer and closed it.
I fell to my knees and cried. Cried like I never had cried before. Because everything had come to a head. Years of abuse. Years of isolation. Years of being someone I wasn't. To the point I didn't even recognize myself. I couldn't do it anymore.
Things had to change. They just had too. And would they? I had no idea. And I f they would, how? I had absolutely no answers. None whatsoever.
But just then, a strange thing happened. I felt a dim, glimmer of hope.
And why I had no idea. But it was there. However small, it was there. That tiny shimmer of hope, that burned deep within me. It was there.
And to take my own life?
My God.
I picked myself off of the floor.
And without fully thinking, still somewhat in a haze, I walked over to the front door and opened it. I looked both ways down the hallway to make sure the coast was clear. And only when I was sure it was, I did something I knew I shouldn't. But, at that moment, I didn't really care.
I went up to Jaime's door and softly knocked on it.
She opened the door, and immediately gave me a look of complete horror.
She quickly stepped aside and pulled me into her apartment, and shut the door behind her.
"My God, Alexis. What the hell happened!?"
"Nothing", I said, as I felt both of my eyes beginning to swell shut.
"It doesn't look like nothing to me", she countered. "Jesus."
I sat down on her couch and she sat beside me, practically pleading me for answers. Because like I said before, I never told her anything about my relationship with Cal. Because I knew I couldn't. Abuse has to stay hidden and buried. It had to remain a secret. Everybody knew that.
But at the same time, I wasn't stupid. I knew she knew. I mean, it was more than obvious.
A single, hot tear, escaped my eye, but I quickly wiped it away, hoping she hadn't seen.
"Who? Who did this to you?"
Again, I didn't say anything, and I suddenly felt confused. Because, unexpectedly, I felt myself at a crossroads. Maybe... just maybe... I should tell her. But, to confide in her, or anyone for that matter, could be disastrous. He could find out. And that would mean... very bad consequences. It was a huge, huge risk to take.
"Your... boyfriend?"
I said nothing.
"Lexi. You can talk to me. We're friends. You can trust me. Please. Just talk to me."
And that's when I broke. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep it all inside. There was no longer any reason to.
I simply nodded.
She shook her head, in absolute disgust. "What kind of man does that?"
A fear immediately washed over me. "You can't tell anyone. No one at all. Please", I begged. Because if she ever told anyone. No, no, no. That could never happen. It just couldn't.
"Lexi-"
"No! I could get in a lot trouble."
She paused, then let out a long sigh. "Ok", she finally agreed. "I won't tell anyone."
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you."
"How long has this been going on?"
"As long as I've been with him. Almost two years."
"Two years?", she said, horrified.
"Yes."
"Lexi, you can't stay in this situation. It's been going on for so long. It's never going to change. It never does. You have to get out."
"I can't", I said simply, as the reality of my situation came crashing down.
"Why?"
"Because I have nowhere to go. I have no money. I have nothing."
"You don't have family that can help you?"
"No. I'm all alone."
She looked at me, and I could tell she wanted to ask about my family, but she didn't. Because, quite frankly, that was different issue for a different time. And we both knew it.
"You can stay with me", she offered.
I shook my head. "You live in the same building", I said, pointing out the obvious. "He would find me."
She thought for a moment. "Yeah. I guess you're right."
"I would have to go far, far away from here", I said, thinking out loud. "Somewhere he would never find me. Someplace far away."
"Then maybe that's what you should do. I can help you."
"How could you help?"
"Whatever you want me to do. Whatever you need."
I thought about for a minute. But it all just seemed impossible. Getting away would take time and would require planning. And I just didn't even know where to start.
"I need to go. I have to get back before he knows I'm gone", I said, becoming fearful that I had been gone too long.
We stood up and she walked me to the door.
"Lexi, I'm worried about you", she said, with a troubled look on her face.
"I'll be alright", I said, in a small voice.
"Just remember what I said. "I will help you."
I looked at her, and felt extremely grateful, but I also knew it wasn't that simple.
She hugged me and I hugged her back.
"Stay strong."
I simply nodded, and with that I left.
I snuck back into my apartment, my absence having gone unnoticed. He wasn't there. And I was glad.
I crawled into bed and pulled the covers over me, in an attempt to try to comfort myself.
I laid there for a long time and replayed In my head my conversation with Jaime. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized something. She said she would help. That meant a potential way out.
But as much as I wanted to ask for her help, I was afraid to get her involved. Because that would put her in danger too.
But... it sparked something within me. I began to realize something. The wheels of change were set in motion.
I would do it. I would a find a way. Somehow, some way.
But I needed time. I needed money. I needed a plan. A good solid plan. And probably a back up plan too. Just in case.
But more than anything, I needed strength and courage. And to hold my ground. And not to give up. No matter what.
I thought for a moment, then reached down into my pocket and pulled out a five dollar bill. I looked around the room, making sure I was still alone. Then I went over to the closet and pulled out an empty shoe box and quickly put the five dollars in it. Then carefully hid the box in very back of the closet, as far back as I could.
A wave of adrenaline washed over me. My plan had begun.
(end of flashback)
-
"Alexis, are you ok?" Nichole asked.
I blinked my eyes, as she suddenly pulled me back to reality.
"You look like you're a million miles away."
I didn't say anything, but a realization suddenly came to me. And I suddenly realized there was something I had to do.
But... I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.
"Ahhh... yeah. I'm just... a little tired is all", I said.
"You sure that's all it is?"
"Yes. I'm just tired", I said, as I turn over onto my side, facing away from her. Because anytime I thought about my past, it always upset me. That's why I usually didn't allow myself to think about it anymore. But sometimes... sometimes it would just sneak into my head, and I couldn't get it out of my mind. So, I guess that's why I just wanted to go to sleep. So I could stop thinking about it. But as much as I tried, I was disturbed.
But yet at the same time, I knew that was the past, and I was safe now.
She snuggled into me from behind and wrapped her arms around me.
"Try to get some sleep. Love you", she whispered softly, as she kissed my cheek.
"Love you too."
And... no matter if she agreed or not, she WAS my hero, I thought to myself.
(AN: Hey guys. I'm going to be wrapping up this story soon. 2 more chapters. Then it will be finished. But, there will be a sequel coming right after.)