•Nolani•
Two sets of mischievous amber eyes blink up at me, wide and innocent. I melt into a pile of mush at their owners feet until their lips tilt up into mirrored smirks.
"Don't you do it." I say, pointing my finger at them in warning.
Rafe giggles loudly and both he and Rome charge at me, their mud covered hands outstretched. I squeal and run the opposite direction, their laughter following me.
"Mamma, we just want a bacio!" Rome demands.
(bacio: kiss)
"Not until you wash up, it's time for dinner!" I laugh.
I stumble over a ball on the grass and fall to the ground where both boys immediately pounce on me and their mud covered fingers paint my skin with dirty smudges. I wrap an arm around each one and smush them against me. They wriggle against my hold, my fingers tickling their ribs, their laughter growing louder until they turn into twinkling squeals.
"Papà!" Rafe exclaims and slips out of my grasp, sprinting across the yard at full speed.
I release Rome so he can follow his brother and they both leap into Giovanni's waiting arms before I can warn him of their dirty hands.
I wipe the mud from my cheek as I stand up. "Looks like they got you too." I say motioning toward the smudges on his suit.
"What did you do to your Mamma?" He asks the twins in serious tone, but even from here I can see the laughter dancing in his eyes.
They glance down at their feet and then look up at him under their eyelashes. "Sorry." They apologize in unison.
He presses a kiss against each of their heads and they run back to the mud puddle they had been playing in when I came to tell them dinner was ready.
Giovanni approaches me slowly. "How were they today?"
"Wild as ever." I reply simply, my eyes flicking over to the twins.
They're always so happy, their smiles light up the room and their amber eyes surrounded in dark lashes melt your heart. Rome has a dimple in his right cheek and Rafe has Giovanni's smile. They're playful little boys and they never stop moving. They keep me on my toes and my nerves frayed but I wouldn't trade them for anything. They're my whole world, I don't know how I ever survived without them. They make the earth a brighter place they make me so happy, I've never felt so much joy in my heart. I feel whole, complete. I've never felt like this. I love them so much it hurts... God, it really, really hurts.
I clutch my stomach, my eyes falling to my bloody thighs and the twins laughter quickly fades away.
"No!" I scream. "Come back, please come back!"
Then it all fades away, their laughter abruptly replaced by the loud beeping of a machine.
I wince at the bright light above me as I force my eyes open. A groan falls from my lips and I shift against whatever I'm laying on. I blink slowly a few times before my eyes adjust, the hospital room coming into view and I'm jerked into reality, a soul crushing pain nearly suffocating me.
I gasp, my heart shifting into overdrive and the monitor beside the bed beeps rapidly.
My babies, where are they?
My entire body goes numb all at once, my hand reaching down to my stomach. I dig my fingers into the squishy flesh there, covered by the hospital gown I'm wearing, mentally begging this to all be a nightmare and praying for a kick back but there's nothing there. My uterus is empty, achingly void of life. My babies are gone, my body failed. Grief slithers up my spine, wraps around my neck and squeezes like a boa constrictor killing it's pretty. I gasp for breath, my hands covering my face and I just want to disappear.
Giovanni stands over me, worry and sorrow shining in his amber eyes. "Calm down."
"Where are they? Are they... did they?" I can't even finish the sentence.
Maybe it was just a nightmare and they're fine, they're just being checked out by a doctor.
A nurse rushes in the room, Giovanni's talking but I can't hear him. His hand is on my arm, his brow dipped into a frown and his mask completely gone. Suddenly my eyelids grow heavy, my body going calmingly numb until I'm sucked into the darkness again without warning.
This time I don't dream of anything.
When I wake up again Giovanni's hand is in mine, he's hunched over with his head resting on the bed by my side while sitting in an uncomfortable looking plastic chair. His hair is a mess, the dark tresses falling over his forehead and cheeks and his suit jacket is missing. The memory of Rafe's little body wrapped in the wool fabric hits me right in the chest so hard I let out an audible gasp.
Giovanni jerks awake, looking murderous as he scans the room quickly before his eyes meet mine. Tears slip down my cheeks silently, the grief I'm feeling mirrored in the amber orbs.
"He's gone isn't he?" I whisper the question. "Rafe wasn't breathing, he was..." Purple. Giovanni wipes the expression off his face and I shake my head. "Don't do that." My voice is sharp and filled with pain but I refuse to look at his mask of indifference as he tells me our baby is dead.
Giovanni wipes a hand down his face and then pushes his hair back. "He didn't make it." He finally replies quietly.
My lower lip trembles and I sniffle as my tears fall faster. "And Rome?"
Please, not Rome too.
"He's in the NICU, weighs two pounds and looks like he could easily fit in my hand. He can't breath on his own yet so he's on a ventilator. His heart rate was lower than they like it to be so they've been giving him medication to help get it up to normal. They've ran tests on him and he seems healthy otherwise but they said not to be surprised for him to go through spells where his heart rate drops out of no where or he stops breathing, it's normal with premature baby's. They have him in an incubator to help him regulate his temperature, it was also lower than what they like so I haven't been able to hold him yet. They said once it got up to where they want it we could do kangaroo care, I'm not sure what that is but they'll probably explain it."
Spells where he stops breathing? That's normal? That sounds so scary. I don't know anything about premature babies, I wasn't prepared for this.
"But he's okay?"
He nods. "He's okay. The doctors said the survival rate of a baby born at twenty-six weeks are high so they're optimistic that after a few months in the NICU we can bring him home".
"A few months?" I question in alarm.
Why so long? That means he'll still be here even after I'm discharged. How do they expect me to just leave him?
"They have to monitor him for infections, to make sure his heart rate stays where it should and watch for any changes in his breathing. He's being fed through a feeding tube with donor breast milk and it'll be that way for while until around anywhere from 32 to 34 weeks, the doctor said. They asked if you were going to breastfeed but I wasn't sure if you were."
It's something I hadn't really thought about yet, I thought I still had plenty of time. I haven't even picked a pediatrician.
Giovanni pulls his phone from his pocket, taps the screen a few times. and turns it toward me. An image of Rome with all kinds of wires and tubes connected to him inside a clear, oddly shaped container greets me. He's naked except for a diaper and he looks so tiny and helpless. I just want to wrap my arms around him and never let him go.
"I didn't keep them safe." My voice breaks as I cover my face and sob into my hands.
Giovanni wraps his arms around me and presses my face into his chest. "It's not your fault. Dr. Gellar thinks you went into early labor because of all the stress, he'll explain everything to you but you didn't do anything wrong."
"Rafe's gone though." I cry.
He's gone and there's nothing I can do that will bring him back.
"I know." He murmurs. "There wasn't anything we could've done."
Giovanni holds me just like that until my sobs turn into quiet sniffles and my tears have dried up. When I close my eyes I can see Alexei standing in the doorway of the safe room. My mind instantly goes to both Jade and Matteo on the floor, I hadn't even asked about them because I was so focused on the twins.
"Are Jade and Matteo okay?" I ask. "Alexei he... he shot them."
"Jade was shot in the upper torso but it was a clean shot and it didn't hit any organs or bones. Matteo was shot twice. Once in his thigh and another that grazed his liver. He ended up needing a blood transfusion and he has to stay and be monitored for infection, but they're both okay. Nico's been spending time with each of them and keeping me updated."
I let out a sharp exhale. "Thank God." My eyes flick over Giovanni's white button up and I'm reminded again of Rafe being wrapped in his jacket. "Where's Rafe? Do I get to see him?"
He nods. "Whenever you want. They tried to resuscitate him but it didn't work. The nurse said to let her know when you wanted to see him and we should also be thinking about making arrangements for him."
My heart breaks. I have to bury my baby and I just met him, I haven't even held him yet.
The door opens and a nurse walks in. "Oh good, you're awake." She greets me with a smile. "My name is Aspen, I'll be your nurse for the remainder of the night until shift change. I just need to push on your stomach a little then I'll check your vitals and let Dr. Gellar know you're awake so he can come talk to you and check your bleeding. " She washes her hands and puts on a pair of gloves before approaching me. "Now this will hurt but it helps reduce bleeding and cramping of the uterus and we do not want you bleeding anymore than normal after your blood transfusion." She pulls the blankets up, using them as a barricade so neither me or Giovanni can see.
I feel her easing the hospital gown up, a sharp hiss falls from my lips and I dig my fingers into the bed as she pushes against my stomach. She wasn't lying, it hurts much worse than I expected. My stomach feels achy and sore and I want to throw up at all the pressure against it. By the time she's done and I'm covered back up my hands are shaking and I feel nauseous.
"Everything looks normal but Dr. Gellar will check for himself just to be sure when he comes in." She explains.
While she takes my vitals I ask about seeing Rafe and she agrees to have him brought in as soon as possible. Once she has what she needs she asks a few questions and then leaves the room.
"You okay?" Giovanni asks.
I nod. "Yeah, that was more painful than I expected it to be."
A few moments later a knock comes from the door before Dr. Gellar enters the room.
"How are you feeling?" He asks.
"Tired... weak." I shrug lightly, ignoring the aching pain in my arm, the back of my head, and stomach.
I hadn't been feeling it but whatever pain medication they must have given me through my IV must be wearing off.
"That's pretty normal. Mr. DeLuca explained that you fell down a small staircase but refused to come in to get checked out."
I don't let the shock I feel show on my face as I reply, "Yeah, I tend to be stubborn like that."
It would've been nice if he warned me about the cover story beforehand. I hadn't really thought about the fact that we couldn't exactly be truthful about the events that lead me here.
"You had a spot on the back of your head that was stitched up and you must have landed pretty hard on your stomach which caused placental abruption. That's when the placenta separates from the uterus before birth. It can deprive the baby— or in your case babies— of oxygen, nutrients, and can cause heavy bleeding which you experienced first hand. He also mentioned you'd been stressing prior to the fall and with your high blood pressure at your most recent appointment I can only assume the combination caused you to go into preterm labor. If you hadn't given birth when you did and so close to the hospital, you may have lost both babies."
Placental abruption. When Alexei kicked my stomach he caused my placenta to separate from my uterus which deprived my babies of oxygen and caused the heavy bleeding I had. He did this. He killed Rafe, almost killed Rome, and almost made me bleed out. Hate boils deep in my stomach until it nearly consumes me. I hope Riot killed him, I've never wanted someone dead so bad. Him and the man who had him take me. Mikhail.
They killed my baby.
"When can I see Rome?" I ask, fighting back tears of anger.
Anger over the horrible men who did this to me. Anger that Rafe is gone. Anger over the fact that I'll never see my babies grow up together.
"Your pain meds should be wearing off soon so I'd like for you to be able to go to the bathroom and relieve your bladder first, which Nurse Aspen will help you with, once you're able to do that we'll get a wheel chair and take a trip to the NICU. After you go to the bathroom let Aspen know if you need more pain medication."
A small smile tilts my lips but it almost feels wrong. I'm grieving one baby but overjoyed at being able to see the other, it's a strange feeling that has my stomach in knots and my head a mess.
"Okay, thank you." I say.
Dr. Gellar checks me out, prods my stomach and agrees with Nurse Aspen that everything looks normal so far which I'm thankful for. He tells me to let Aspen know when I'm ready to try going to the bathroom and leaves the room.
My minds racing with the information he gave me but all I can focus on his Alexei and Mikhail. The fact that I wouldn't be here in this situation, Rafe and Rome would still be in the womb if it weren't for them. I almost didn't get away, if it weren't for Riot I would be dead. I bite my lip, my thoughts on the fear that consumed my body when Alexei had me in his arms on the main floor of that house.
"Riot saved me." I whisper.
"He did." Giovanni replies in a tight voice.
My brow furrows at him. "Are you mad at him or something?"
He sighs. "He should've protected you better. I left him in charge because I know what he's capable of and the lengths he would go to keep you safe and yet he ended up disappointing me. He was distracted by the Ivanov girl when he should've went to you immediately or at least sent Luca in his place."
"Who's Luca?"
"Riots best friend." He snorts. "His only friend really. He was with Riot and Leo."
That must have been the guy who left on the motorcycle Giovanni had.
"I watched Riot hurt Alexei. Is he dead?"
Giovanni nods.
"He's the reason my baby is gone." I whisper, hate burning in my heart.
Giovanni clenches his jaw. "I know. I'm going to kill Mikhail for what he did."
"No, I want to do it."
I need to do it.
"Nolani—"
"Because of him Rafe is gone and Rome wouldn't even be breathing if it weren't for a machine. I've never wanted to hurt someone like I want to hurt him, Giovanni." I cut him off, my tone sharp with anger. "I can't move on with my life knowing he still exists. That man is the reason I'm here, I want him dead." I pause, staring directly in his eyes so he knows I'm serious. "I want to watch him die, I want to be the reason he takes his last breath."
He doesn't deserve to live.
Giovanni purses his lips. "Death comes at a heavy cost to your conscience, let me be the bearer of that."
"When does that happen because as of right now I feel nothing for killing the two Russians in that house. It was me and my babies or them and the choice was scary but easily made. I would make the same choice again if I had to." I clench my shaking hands.
Giovanni's brows raise in surprise. "You killed two Russians? Riot only mentioned one. He said they came in through a window in one of the bedrooms on the main floor and they found a Russian in the hallway dead, filled with bullets."
"They didn't see Dimitri then, he was in the basement. He was the one guarding the room I was locked in. Dimitri brought me a glass of water, I broke the glass on the floor, grabbed the biggest shard I could find, stabbed him in the neck and then stole his gun. I hated that I had to hurt him after he said he had no choice in keeping me in there but I had to get out, it was the only way."
Giovanni blinks at me a few times, completely stunned at my explanation. "You killed a man by stabbing him in the neck with a shard of glass?"
I nod.
"Cazzo." He mutters.
(Cazzo: fuck)
My fingers play with the thin hospital blanket. "I had to get out, I was bleeding and I hadn't felt the babies move since Alexei kicked me."
Giovanni's lips tilt up into a small smile. "I'm impressed, micetta."
I should probably find it odd he's impressed with my method of killing a man but I don't. It makes me feel good, like I'm not as helpless as I felt.
"As impressed as I may be next time I leave the country you're coming with me, whether you want to or not." He adds sternly.
I narrow my eyes at him. "Don't think you're off the hook for the whole paternity issue, I'm still not happy you kept that from me."
But I have more important things to worry about right now.
He runs his thumb across the palm of my hand in soothing circles. "I'll make it up to you."
And I believe him.
His phone starts vibrating, the contact name Mamma lighting the screen. He answers the call and talks to her in Italian, his brow furrowing in annoyance at whatever they're discussing.
"I'll eventually learn Italian so I'll always know what you guys are saying." I say once he ends the short phone call only a minute after it started.
He flashes me a small smile. "I didn't do it on purpose. Mamma was checking on you, she's itching to see you— everyone is. I told her you needed to rest and to call back tomorrow."
"Did I say I needed to rest?" I ask, annoyed. "I want to see everyone."
I want to thank Leo for helping me through labor, Riot and Luca for saving me, and Nico for checking on my best friend when I couldn't. I want to assure Angelo I'm okay because I know him and he's probably been beating himself up over going to Italy without me. I want to feel the warmth of Violas hug and cry with Alessia over how beautiful the twins are.
"Are you sure?"
I nod in reply.
"Okay but if they become too much let me know and I'll make them leave."
He types out a message on his phone and only moments later Nico steps through the door with Angelo following closely behind him.
"Ciao bellissima." Nico says, pressing a kiss on each of my cheeks. "You look absolutely breathtaking in that hospital gown."
I can't help but laugh at him because I know I have to look atrocious right now.
Angelo's next but instead of kissing my cheeks he gives me a hug, a much more comforting one than the last we shared.
"I'm fine." I tell him, looking directly in his eyes as he pulls away.
He gives me a nod and he visibly relaxes as if that's exactly what he needed to hear.
The door opens again and Riot, Luca and Leo enter the room.
Leo pushes around the other two men and pulls me into a bone crushing hug that has me wincing in pain.
"Attento!" Giovanni snaps, grabbing Leo's shoulder.
(Attento: careful.)
Leo chuckles, loosening his arms around me but I don't let him go.
"Thank you for helping me." I whisper, tears building in my eyes.
"I'm sorry I couldn't save the first baby. You were still in pain and bleeding a lot and I was worried about getting the second baby out and the placenta—"
"You did everything you could." I cut him off, my lower lip trembles as I fight back tears.
Leo presses a kiss against my cheeks just like Nico and then he steps back.
"Cognata." Riot says as he approaches me, he said that once before at the baby shower but this time he says it lightly.
(cognata: sister-in-law)
"Hello, Riot." I reply just as I had the first time, except without the smirk.
He crosses his arms and just stares at me for a moment. "Did you unload the clip in that Russian bastard in the hall?"
My lips quirk. "I have no idea I was a little out of it, I just shot until I couldn't hold the gun up any longer."
"She stabbed the one guarding her with a shard of glass, in his neck." Giovanni adds proudly and I fight a smile.
"Merda." Nico mutters.
(Merda: shit)
If Riots impressed he doesn't show it.
"We took care of Alexei." He states.
I give him a small smile, the biggest I can muster. "I know, thank you."
He brushes my gratitude off like it's not a big deal. "I like getting my hands dirty."
I could tell.
Luca steps forward and introduces himself and then Aspens enters the room wheeling a metal cart. The cart holds a small machine with tubing that's connected to a clear bassinet that's covered by a blanket. She removes the blanket with her back blocking our view and when she turns around Rafe's in her arms and I freeze. My entire body locks up at the sight of my baby. She wrapped the pink and blue blanket around him just like any other baby born in the hospital would be and the sight of something so simple hits me right in the chest. My heart pounds, my womb suddenly feels achingly empty and I want to cry. The room goes silent as she hands Rafe over and once he's in my arms I can't stop the tears, don't have the strength to even try.
"Just let me know if you need anything and I'll be back to check on you in an hour or so." Aspen says quietly and then exits the room.
I stare at his face, he's just so tiny and perfect. He may not be fully developed but he still favors Giovanni so much it's astounding. God, I love him more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my life, how will I ever be able to let him go? How can I go back to living a normal life after only being able to know him for such a short period of time? I need more time. I should've had years with him. Things shouldn't be like this, damn it!
I let my pain morph into a raging fire of anger until it's all I can feel.
I grit my teeth, "Mikhail is going to wish Alexei had killed me when I get through with him."
———————————————
Hey babe's, sorry this is a day late but the last two days have been pretty rough. Baby K is cutting another tooth and nothing seems to give him relief. I just didn't have the mental capacity or the time to write much yesterday but this chapter is over 4K words so I think that makes up for it a little. Hopefully my mistakes in this chapter are too bad, my brain is mush at this point lol
Shew, these chapters haven't been easy on my Mama heart at all.
Next upload will be Friday!
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— Katy