Kazuma: "I want a little sister."
Sitting cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor, Kazuma blurted something out of nowhere. The room went silent for a moment, before everyone going back to what they were doing. Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin were all crowded around a game console they'd brought back from the Crimson Demon village, and (Y/N) was playing something with Amelia, as always.
(Y/N): "What a conversation starter."
Megumin: "Hand it to me, I'll be the one to defeat the final boss."
Darkness: "Wha- But you defeated the boss in real life, so it's only fair that I defeat it in the game."
Megumin: "No way, as a Crimson Demon, I won't back down on the matter of dealing the final blow. Besides, if you take on the boss, there's no telling how many times we'll have to start over and try again."
(Y/N): "Get rekt Darkness, gg no re. Why the fuck did I say that, that felt disgusting."
Kazuma: "Listen to me!"
Kazuma stood up and snatched the portable console from the three girls.
Aqua: "Kazuma, give it back! You don't know how long it took to get to the final boss!"
Aqua kept trying to grab the game back from Kazuma, who was dodging all of her attempts, all while continuing to play the game.
Kazuma: "And...There! I beat the boss without taking any damage! Are you happy now?!"
(Y/N): "A no-hit run? Jesus Christ..."
Aqua: "Not even close! It took us three days to get to the final boss!"
Kazuma: "Give it here, I'll get you back there in three hours max!"
Aqua: "Stop! That just defeats the purpose!"
(Y/N): "Why on earth are you asking us for a little sister? That's usually something you take up with your parents."
Kazuma: "I asked them for a little sister before. But I told them that she can't be blood related, so they need to hurry up and split, then remarry someone with a young daughter. That was the first time my parents beat me up."
(Y/N): "The first time, huh? What else did you say to warrant more?"
Kazuma: "I can't even go back to Japan anyway, so there's no point! What I'm saying is...I have Wiz, the healing big sister type, Chris, the energetic girl, Sena, the cold big sister type, and Yunyun, the unlucky type! I've even got Eris, the unorthodox heroine type! I've met all sorts of beauties!"
Aqua: "Kazuma, Kazuma. What type of beauty am I?"
Kazuma: "Eh, you're like a pet type. But that's off topic! See, even in my home country, I had a childhood friend type. But the one that I'm missing is..."
(Y/N): "The imouto type. You're really shooting for the harem protagonist style."
Kazuma: "You wouldn't?"
(Y/N): "Nope. I've never been a harem fan, I'm a one girl kind of guy."
Darkness shyly raised her hand.
Darkness: "Kazuma, what kind of beauty am I?"
Kazuma: "You'd be the always being lewd type."
Darkness: "Lewd?!"
He ignored Darkness entirely.
Kazuma: "You see, back in the Crimson Demon village, Megumin had a little sister, and I thought that I should have one too."
(Y/N): "Look, we're bros. But if you even dare to think about going after Komekko, or anyone else that young for that matter-"
Kazuma: "No, I'm not going to do that! But that Princess, I hear she's younger than me...She fits the little sister bill pretty well..." 'I hear that she's twelve...Out of my strike zone, but if I can have a good relationship with her, then I can have her call me Onii-sama!'
Darkness: "K-Kazuma...It's not too late to reject the invitation you know. She's one of the heads of the nation. Even if it is just a meal together, it won't go like you think it will! You'll be bored to death! It's best for everyone to just ignore this invitation!"
Darkness was desperately trying to make everyone forget the invitation that Kazuma had his heart set on.
(Y/N): "...I'm good with that."
Kazuma: "Hey Darkness, you don't want us to go because you think we'll embarrass you, right?"
Darkness shook for a second, before looking down at the floor in silence.
Kazuma: "You think we'll do something to tarnish the Dustiness name, don't you?!"
(Y/N): "To be fair, we probably would."
Aqua: "Unbelievable, Darkness! We know how to behave!"
Megumin: "We're comrades! You need to trust us more!"
Darkness was already on the verge of tears.
Darkness: "I know you all too well, that's why I'm worried..."
Kazuma: "Look, I'm aware of the difference in status, but I'm aware of basic etiquette. I'm just excited about meeting a lady from high society."
Darkness: "Hey, I'm a lady from high society!"
Seeing Darkness so frantic amused Kazuma.
Kazuma: "Me and (Y/N) need to buy some tuxedos. And you two don't have dresses do you? Looks like we'll be taking a trip to the tailor's."
Aqua: "Good idea Kazuma! I can wear something other than a hagoromo too. But I don't know if they could complete it in time..."
Megumin: "I want a black dress of course. Something with an air of maturity."
(Y/N): 'A black dress...That sounds nice actually. I haven't seen her in a dress before, have I?'
Seeing Aqua and Megumin jump headfirst into this as well was enough to push Darkness over the edge. She burst into tears.
Darkness: "She's the Princess of the nation! One wrong move and you could lose your heads! (Y/N), please help me out!"
(Y/N): "I'm siding with Darkness here."
Darkness: "(Y/N), please- Wait, what?"
Everyone did a double take.
(Y/N): "You heard me. I don't wanna go meet her."
Aqua: "What happened to the traveling man?"
(Y/N): "Still am. But I've never had any respect for politicians."
Kazuma: "I thought you said that you weren't political?"
(Y/N): "There's nothing political about hating a liar. And it just so happens that almost every one is."
Kazuma: "...(Y/N), she's a twelve year old girl."
(Y/N): "Don't care."
Darkness: "Th-the Princess isn't a liar, but I thank you for this."
Megumin: "Come on (Y/N), it'll be fun! We can see what it's like in high society!"
(Y/N): "I'd rather live with the bums than in the presence of high falooting snobs. At least they'd know the value of small things, and probably have some good stories too. Sorry but I don't feel like budging on this one."
Megumin hurried over to (Y/N) and started to whisper in his ear. He sat still for a moment, before frowning, crossing his arms and closing his eyes.
(Y/N): "I don't like it, but I'll go."
Kazuma: "What in the world did she tell you to convince you that quick?"
(Y/N): "None of your goddamn business. She just reminded me that I still owe her something."
Darkness: "Please listen to me!"
Kazuma: "Come to think of it..."
Darkness looked hopeful, but Kazuma was about to crush that hope again.
Kazuma: "A tux is too overdone. I think I'll have a kimono made."
Darkness: "Please, I'll do anything! Anything! Just don't wear something weird to the meal!"
Kazuma: "Anything?"
(Y/N): "I don't like where this is going."
(Timeskip)
The next day, after Aqua and Megumin had left the house, Kazuma put his plan into action. In front of him stood Darkness in a maid outfit one size too small.
Kazuma: "Well then, all the household chores are yours for today."
Darkness: "I-it seems I've underestimated you."
Kazuma crossed his arms.
Kazuma: "Ah ah ah! Maids need to address their masters as such. Say 'As you wish, master.'"
Darkness: "Um...As you wish master...I'm a dirty sow!"
Kazuma: "I didn't tell you to go that far."
(Y/N): "I knew I should've stayed in bed."
The two snapped their heads to the stairs to see (Y/N) coming down.
(Y/N): "I'll go out, so y'all can have fun with...whatever the fuck this is."
Darkness: "Wait, it's not what it looks like!"
Kazuma: "It's totally what it looks like."
(Y/N): "So this is the 'anything' you had in mind yesterday. Well, I suppose it's tamer than what it could've been."
Darkness: "Actually, what should I do? I've never done household chores...Should I spill tea on your pants, right between the legs, and come over in a hurry to wipe it up?"
Kazuma: "Don't brew anymore tea."
(Y/N): "Seriously, what do you think a maid's job is?"
Darkness: "I-I'm sorry master!"
(Y/N) visibly cringed.
(Y/N): "Darkness, please don't call me master. It makes me ungodly layers of uncomfortable."
Darkness: "I-I'm sorry."
Kazuma: "Just...clean the place up some. But leave the plates and silverware alone, you'll probably break them, and I've already lost enough money."
Darkness: "Eh...As you wish..."
Darkness walked off to attend to the mansion.
(Y/N): "I didn't know you two were like that."
Kazuma: "What are you talking about?"
(Y/N): "You asked her to say 'as you wish' right? According to my sources, that translates to 'I love you'."
Kazuma: "What?!"
(Y/N): "Easy! I'm just fuckin with you, it's a movie reference."
Kazuma: "...These references are gonna get you in trouble someday."
(Y/N): "But that day is not today. But a maid outfit? Really?"
Kazuma: "With her body, it was a natural decision. And don't you judge me! I know you've thought of Megumin in a maid outfit before!"
(Y/N): "The thought...has crossed my mind before...once or twice. But I still don't wanna be called master, you sadist!"
Darkness: "Hyaaah!"
The sound of something breaking was heard, and before anyone could do anything, Darkness came running holding broken pieces of pottery.
Darkness: "I'm sorry! I broke master's expensive vase! I'm willing to accept whatever punishment-"
Kazuma: "I don't even own a vase, and if I did, I wouldn't treat such a shoddy old vase like a treasure. But if you do break something important to me, then you're wearing that maid outfit to the guild."
Darkness: "E-eh?!"
.
.
.
Darkness was cleaning, and doing a damn good job too. Every place that Kazuma checked was perfectly clean. Then came lunch.
Kazuma: "I thought you'd mix up the sugar and salt."
Darkness: "I read the labels, I'm not incompetent. Hmmph. I used high quality meat, so how is it?"
Darkness looked smug, and Kazuma looked her dead in the eye.
Kazuma: "Average."
Darkness: "Huh?"
Kazuma: "(Y/N), I need a second opinion."
They could hear him groan as he slowly walked into the room.
(Y/N): "Why am I here?"
Kazuma: "Taste this."
(Y/N): "I already ate."
Kazuma: "Just taste a bite!"
He shoved a bite of the meat into (Y/N)'s mouth. After a little chewing, he spoke up.
(Y/N): "I mean, it's not bad. But it's not exceptional either."
Darkness hung her head.
.
.
.
Darkness: "My father never asked our maids to do this!"
Kazuma: "In my country, maids who can't do this aren't fit to be maids at all! Now try again."
Kazuma had been repeatedly entering and exiting the mansion, trying to get Darkness to say 'Welcome home, master.' just the way he wanted her to.
Kazuma: "You're smile is way too stiff! It's scary! Give me a cute smile and say 'Welcome home!'"
Darkness: "W-welcome home, master!"
Kazuma: "No!"
He started to pose to show her exactly the way he wanted.
Kazuma: "Your hands should be like this! And legs like this! Lean forward, emphasize your body more! Isn't your only strong point an erotic body? Go, try again!"
Darkness swiftly grabbed Kazuma by the head.
Darkness: "Welcome home, master! Just because I like being teased doesn't mean you can't go too far. And in that case, my other strong point, my grip strength, will..."
She started to squeeze Kazuma's head.
Kazuma: "AAAH, IT'S BREAKING! MY HEAD'S GONNA EXPLODE!"
(Y/N): "Ha! You're gonna get popped like a zit!"
Kazuma: "I'M SORRY!"
The Iron Claw strikes again.
.
.
.
The three made their way to Wiz's shop. Darkness had begged Kazuma to let her wear casual clothes out, and he ended up giving in. They walked into Wiz's to hear the sound of a commotion.
Wiz: "Oh, hello Kazuma. We just got the fire starting item in!"
Megumin: "(Y/N), Kazuma, teach me how this magic item works!"
She ran over to (Y/N) and handed him something.
(Y/N): "You made a lighter?"
Kazuma: "Yep. And it isn't a magic item, it's a tool from back where we come from."
Megumin: "So you know this item? Show me how it works!"
(Y/N): "See, what you do is..."
He flicked the lighter, and the small flame came out of the top. He then held it way up above his head, leaned back, and yelled.
(Y/N): "FREEBIRD!"
Darkness, Megumin & Wiz: "Woah!"
Megumin: "It's just like Tinder!"
Wiz: "This is so convenient! This will definitely sell!"
Megumin: "It's simply structured, but incredibly useful. I can't believe it's not a magic item. And if you use it sparingly, it should last for a while."
Darkness: "I'll take one too. Flintstones don't work in wet conditions, and it wastes a lot of time starting a fire. Carrying tinder is a hassle, as well as keeping it dry. With this, all those problems disappear. How much is one?"
Darkness started digging through her purse, and Wiz smiled at her.
Wiz: "There's no need for payment. After all, Kazuma invented these, we merely produced them. And everyone contributed to the development too. Please, pick one you like."
(Y/N): "Can I take one too? I'll pay for it if you want me to."
Wiz: "No it's quite alright."
Aqua looked up from whatever snack she was eating and sneered.
Aqua: "What a bunch of hillbillies, getting so excited over a lighter. These people need to get with the times."
The whole time Aqua was making fun of them, she was discreetly reaching for a lighter. Kazuma smacked her hand.
Aqua: "What's your problem, Kazuma? Let me get a lighter."
Kazuma: "Fork up some money first."
Aqua: "But those three are getting some, why are you only mean to me?!"
Kazuma: "It'd be fine if you didn't mock them. And you didn't have any part in this, did you? Wiz is the shopkeeper, Megumin helped me with how Crimson Demons craft things, and Darkness introduced me to some good merchants. The whole time, you stayed cooped up in the mansion, eating, sleeping and eating again. If you want one, put in some work first. Go out there and drum up some business."
Aqua: "But (Y/N) didn't contribute!"
(Y/N): "Sure I did, I taught them how to use it. Plus, I didn't make fun of my friends because they were excited about a new discovery."
Aqua: "You guys are too mean!"
.
.
.
On the street, there were more people than there ever had been before.
Darkness: "This is...an amazing amount of people."
Kazuma: "...True."
(Y/N): "Looks like Vanir has been spreading the word around."
Megumin: "It would be great if everyone was here to buy the products."
(Y/N): "Yeah, Wiz deserves some business with how hard she works. But our blue deadbeat has a knack for stealing the spotlight."
Wiz: "E-even customers who came to by have been distracted by her..."
Kazuma: "What the hell is she doing?!"
Aqua had completely forgotten about drawing in business, and was putting on a show for the bystanders.
Aqua: "And from this handkerchief! Pigeons!"
And then there was pigeons. At least a flock of a hundred came out from her handkerchief. Everyone was baffled, even more so when Wiz said she couldn't feel any mana, so it wasn't summoning magic. Soon, customers started to throw money to Aqua, who surprisingly refused.
Vanir: "What in the world?"
Vanir had finally appeared and was staring out over the crowd. Aqua pulled out some potions, likely from Wiz's.
Aqua: "Next, I'll make these three potions disappear! Not even I will know where they go!"
Vanir: "Don't do that, you imbecile! Isn't sprinkling holy water on our shops doorknobs enough sabotage for you?!"
Aqua: "Don't interrupt me, you strange masked man! This is a public road! Do you have a problem with me performing here?"
Vanir: "Of course I do, you twat! The future of this shop is on the line! There is no room for you to be obstructing moi business!"
Wiz: "Dear customers! We have plenty of convenient items in stock! Come, take a look!"
(Y/N): 'That's she first time she's actually acted like a shop owner.'
.
.
.
Vanir: "Welcome, welcome! Customers whose purchase amounts to ten thousand eris or more receive a Vanir doll that laughs at night as a complementary gift! Purchases that amount five hundred thousand, be amazed- Thou shalt receive a Vanir mask similar to mine in design! I'm sorry young boy, moi mask is not for sale. Here, take this shiny card instead."
(Y/N): "These things are selling well."
Kazuma: "I should've have started doing business a long time ago."
Vanir: "Two lighters and a Vanir mask, right? Thank you for your patronage!"
After the amount of customers died down, Vanir came over.
Vanir: "Fuhahaha! Moi can't stop laughing! It's a long way from the shop closing, but the product is nearly sold out. Allow moi to thank thee again. And I'm expecting much from you, boy who shared quite an intimate moment with the Crimson brat back in her home village."
Megumin: "D-don't listen to this devil's lies! They're made to be misunderstood!"
Vanir: "It's fine if thou two get married and make babies, but seeing you steal glances at each other is getting irritating. Just go find an inn and get to work."
(Y/N): "Aqua, kill him."
Aqua: "With pleasure!"
Kazuma & Darkness: "No!"
It took all of Darkness' strength to hold Aqua back from trying to tear into Vanir.
Vanir: "Instead of that...If business continues like this, the three hundred thousand eris that moi promised should be in by the end of the month. It isn't much, but consider this moi compensation for the wait."
Vanir handed Kazuma a mask that looked like his own, except it was black.
Vanir: "This is one of our top sellers. If you wear this on a moonlit night, your mana will increase, your metabolism will enhance, and your skin will have a silky smooth luster. This is a rare black one, so you can flaunt it around."
Kazuma: 'Will I be Cursed if I wear this?'
Vanir: "You too, boy. Moi expect great things from you."
He handed (Y/N) a mask like Kazuma's, but instead of black, it was red.
Vanir: "Moi thought it would match your instrument well."
(Y/N): "But I haven't done anything for you to compensate? What is this for?"
Vanir: "To progress the plot, my dear fool."
(Y/N): "Ohhh."
(A/N: Fuck off.)
.
.
.
Kazuma, Darkness, and Aqua had stayed behind at Wiz's shop for a little while longer, but (Y/N) and Megumin had started on their way home. Megumin could tell that (Y/N) was nervous about something.
Megumin: "(Y/N)? You're kinda jittery, are you ok?"
(Y/N): "Y-yeah, I'm just thinking."
Megumin: "About what, if you don't mind me asking?"
(Y/N): "W-well, I did promise you something in the Crimson Demon village..."
Megumin: "O-oh yeah..."
(Y/N): "I'm a man of my word. When are you thinking you want me to...pay my dues?"
Megumin: "Can...Can we do it now? While no one is home?"
(Y/N) quickly scooped Megumin up into a bridal carry, and started to run home.
Megumin: "(Y-Y/N)?!"
(Y/N): 'Tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo-'
(Timeskip)
From that day, Wiz's was packed. Seriously, it was weird. But the day had come when they were to have a meal with the Princess.
Kazuma: "Alright, Darkness is gone, so listen up. We can't do anything to tarnish her family's name, especially in front of the Princess."
Aqua: "Of course, this is a special occasion. That's why I'll be using the party trick that I've been holding out on to hype everyone up! I wanna pull a tiger out of a hat, but I can't find one, so I'll use a Rookie Killer as a substitute. Kazuma, go catch me one."
Megumin: "I'll give the Princess quite a pleasant surprise with the traditional Crimson Demon greeting! I'll need something to produce a lot of smoke and fire, so where should I go to buy some?"
Kazuma: 'Looks as though Darkness was right to worry...Wait, what the hell is he wearing?'
Sitting around (Y/N)'s neck was a big rainbow scarf.
Kazuma: "Hey (Y/N)?"
(Y/N): "What's up?"
Kazuma: "What's with the scarf?"
Just like that, (Y/N) was blushing up a storm.
(Y/N): "...I'm cold."
Kazuma: "But it's not even close to cold outside. You're sweating, for God's sakes!"
(Y/N): "I'm fucking cold, and this is the only one I could find!"
Kazuma: "We're meeting the Princess of the nation, you can't wear that goofy scarf."
Megumin: "He's right. It's messing with your striking good looks."
(Y/N): "You don't get to scold me, this is your fault in the first place!"
Megumin: "My fault?! How is it-"
As Megumin started to realize, she quickly went as red as her eyes.
Kazuma: "Why are you so adamant about this?!"
(Y/N): "I kept my word, and it got me here!"
Aqua: "What are you even talking about?!"
Kazuma: "We're gonna be inside, you'll be fine."
Kazuma started to tear the scarf off, but (Y/N) resisted.
(Y/N): "Leave me alone!"
Kazuma: "Let go of this thing!"
Kazuma finally tore (Y/N)'s scarf off. Underneath the intense blush that was forming, on his neck was a purple bruise, with teethmarks around it. And peeking out of the collar of his shirt, another on his collarbone. God only knows how many more were there, but weren't visible. Everyone froze as they noticed it. Everyone except for Aqua of course.
Aqua: "Woah! Is that a hickey?"
You could've fried eggs on the young couple's faces. Everyone started to connect the dots.
Kazuma: "...P-put on your tux, the collar should cover it."
(Y/N): "I-I'll go ahead and do that..."
Aqua: "What a couple of sinners."
(Y/N) yelled at Aqua as he walked up the stairs to change.
(Y/N): "Don't call me a sinner, you booze goddess!"
Aqua: "Don't call me a booze goddess, you sinner!"
.
.
.
Luckily, the collar of (Y/N)'s suit covered the hickey. Other than Darkness, the party was waiting outside of the Dustiness mansion. The Princess had moved into the Dustiness mansion a day or two ago to prepare for the meal. As such, the security and the number of staff was greatly increased. Darkness, sporting a white gown and a braid, led the staff out to the gate to greet their visitors.
Darkness: "Satou Kazuma-sama and company. We’re honored by your visit. Today, I, Dustiness ford Lalatina, will be your hostess. Please, make yourself at home and enjoy yourselves."
Darkness bowed after her greeting, blowing everyone away.
Kazuma: "Th-thanks..."
Darkness smiled gently as Kazuma bit his tongue. She lowered her head, and tried her best to stifle her laughter.
Kazuma: 'This jerk!'
(Y/N): "The getup looks nice, Lalatina. You actually look like a noble for once."
Darkness: "...Because you are a guest, I will let this slide. But please, choose your words carefully here."
(Y/N): "Message recieved, Lalatina-sama."
Darkness: "..."
.
.
.
Maid: "Please wait here while the young lady chooses the dresses."
(Y/N) leaned Amelia in a corner and joined the rest on a couch off to the side as Darkness disappeared into a room. He placed his hat in his lap and wrapped his arm around Megumin.
(Y/N): "You know, maybe I shouldn't have worn the cowboy hat. With the suit, the hat, the hair, and Amelia, I look like Hank Williams and Tony Iommi's secret lovechild..."
Megumin: "I think you look very handsome."
(Y/N): "And you always look pretty, darlin."
Kazuma: "Try not to be so mushy in front of the Princess. That last thing you want is to make royalty lose their lunch."
(Y/N): "Try not to be such a shithead in front of the Princess."
Aqua: "Cursing in front of a twelve year old isn't right."
(Y/N): "Clearly you haven't played any online multiplayer. I've been out-cussed by kids less than half my age."
Aqua: "But she's a Princess."
(Y/N): "...Fine, but only because I don't wanna lose my fuckin head. Ah shit, I did it again. Goddammit!"
(Y/N) shut his mouth entirely as he held his head in his hands, trying not to lose his mind. Darkness appeared in the doorframe holding dresses, and beckoned the girls in. Kazuma and (Y/N) were left alone.
Kazuma: "So...a hickey?"
(Y/N): "...Yeah."
Kazuma: "I'll respect you guy's privacy, but I have to know...Was it all it's cracked up to be?"
(Y/N): "Absolutely. All and more. I don't know what those succubus dreams are like, but I know for a fact it can't hold up to real life."
Kazuma: "...Lucky bastard..."
(Y/N): "Look, I'm gonna tell you a secret. I never went all the way before Megumin, but I'd done a few...less extreme things. I'd never really had a connection with the girls I'd messed around with, but I thought it felt good. But I found out how much better it feels when it's with someone you love."
Kazuma: "Stop, you're making me depressed!"
(Y/N) pulled a banana from his inner suit pocket and started to peel it.
Kazuma: "What even..."
(Y/N): "I told you, I always grab food before I leave."
Kazuma: "Weren't apples your thing?"
(Y/N): "I figured the banana would be appropriate for being stuck in this monkey suit."
Kazuma couldn't help but laugh a little as (Y/N) ate his snack. After (Y/N) had taken the last bite, the girls emerged from the room, and the boys couldn't help but gasp.
(Y/N): "G-gorgeous..."
(Y/N)'s mouth hung open as Megumin shyly looked at her feet. She was wearing a black dress, which contrasted with her pale skin. It showed off her shoulders, making her skin look like porcelain. He always found her beautiful, but in this outfit, she had an air of elegance that she didn't always have. (Y/N) would describe her as regal.
(Y/N): 'The Princess wouldn't mind a rain check, right? I really wanna go home and cuddle with her.'
Kazuma: 'Even Aqua looks pretty good. If only she'd keep her mouth shut.'
Aqua: "With so many beauties right in front of you, it wouldn't hurt to worship us a little, right?"
Kazuma: 'Seriously, if only she'd keep her mouth shut.' "Sure, you look fine. But the real important thing is the Princess."
Darkness looked uneasy, as she always did when Kazuma mentioned the Princess.
Darkness: "...Look, just watch what you say. You have the ability to blurt out the most absurd things sometimes. As an adventurer, you should be given more leeway, but don't take it for granted. You still have the chance of losing your head."
Kazuma: "Let me say this, I love the mansion, and I love living there. But if the Princess asks me to join her escort team or something, then I simply can't refuse."
Darkness: "How did you get that far along in your delusions? It's only a meal."
(Y/N): "Let's just get this over with so I can go home."
She led them towards the dining room, but before entering, she turned to them once again.
Darkness: "Listen well. She is the Princess of this nation...Kazuma, you have flaws, but at least you have common sense, so I don't have to worry about you too much. But you made me wear that maid outfit, so don't think you're getting away easy if you screw this up. Aqua, please don't overboard with performing. And your dangerous tricks are banned. (Y/N), you do have pretty good manners. Just don't swear in front of the Princess, and you should be fine. Megumin...I'll just search you right now."
Megumin: "Eh?! Why just me?! We dressed in the same room, what's there to search?!"
Darkness was wrestling Megumin to try and search her.
Kazuma: "So what trickery have you got planned?"
Aqua: "Trickery? How rude. It's a meal with royals, but it must be boring for the Princess. So I'm going to make her a sand painting, and then gift it to her."
Kazuma: "You actually know all sorts of things, huh?"
(Y/N): "If only her many talents were useful somewhere other than home."
Aqua: "Why you!"
Darkness: "A smoke bomb for dispersing monsters, and a potion that explodes on opening it! What are you planning to do with these?! That's why your chest was so suspiciously large!"
Megumin: "I'll admit, you're pretty good, Darkness! But I still have other ways of making an entrance!"
(Y/N): 'This is gonna be a strange day, I can already tell.'
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Darkness: "I'll handle her highness Iris. All you need to do is eat and nod, and I'll explain the rest."
(Y/N): "Just smile and wave boys, just smile and wave."
Darkness opened the doors for them, and led them into the dining hall. It was well lit with candles on the wall, and red carpet on the floor. Several servants stood idly by the table at the end of the room. Sitting at that table was a blonde haired, blue eyed girl in white, two women on either side of her. On her left was a woman in a black dress with many rings on her fingers, a mage. On her right was a woman who was wearing a white suit, sword on her hip.
Kazuma: 'She's everything I imagine a Princess to be.'
(Y/N): 'So she is just a little girl. Maybe she won't be as bad as I thought.'
Darkness led them over to the table.
Darkness: "I'm sorry for the wait, Princess Iris. These are my friends and adventuring party, Satou Kazuma and his team. This way, my friends."
She gestured to the girl in the middle.
Darkness: "This is her Highness Iris. Please introduce yourself with adequate etiquette."
Aqua did a perfect curtsy, and both Darkness and Kazuma tensed up because of it.
Aqua: "I'm Aqua, an Arch Priest. Now, allow me to give you a performance as a greeting."
Darkness: "E-excuse me Princess Iris, I have to tell my comrade something."
Darkness grabbed Aqua's hands, keeping her from pulling any tricks. Aqua pulled on her braid in protest. Seeing her distraction as an opportunity, Megumin pulled the cape she'd tied to her thigh out and put it on. She flicked it and prepared to introduce herself but Darkness grabbed her as well. She had Aqua in one hand and Megumin in the other, and she gave a weak smile as she tried her best not to cry. (Y/N) was watching the whole ordeal trying not to laugh. Kazuma was watching the Princess. She turned and whispered to the white-suited woman.
Kazuma: 'She must be shy.'
White-suited Woman: "Lowly plebeian, don't leer at royalty with such lewd eyes. It's normally impossible for someone like you to meet and dine with royalty, due to difference in status. Lower your head, don't meet my eyes, and get on with your greetings so you can tell about your adventures...The Princess said."
Kazuma froze, (Y/N)'s jaw locked behind his smile.
(Y/N): 'I should've known. She's a little girl, but she's a goddamn stuck up little girl!'
Kazuma: 'It's always so different with Darkness and her father, but this is normal for nobility.'
He lowered his head.
Kazuma: "...Change."
Darkness: "Please excuse me Princess Iris! My comrades are just tense because of their excitement! Allow me to speak with them for a moment!"
Darkness dragged Kazuma out into the hall, and (Y/N) followed.
Darkness: "You idiot! What the hell is 'change'?! This isn't what we agreed on!"
He pulled Darkness' braid, just like everyone else.
Kazuma: "'What the hell' and 'not what we agreed on' should be my lines! All this talk of the Princess gave me high expectations! I was hoping for: 'Brave adventurer-sama! I yearn for the outside world! Please allow me to hear your tales of adventure!' What the hell is this?! Is she looking down on me?!"
(Y/N): "Of course she is. All these high society bastards look down on everyone under them."
Darkness: "I-"
(Y/N): "Wait, not all. You and your dad are good people, Darkness."
Darkness: "Th-thank you. But seriously, why is everyone pulling my hair today?! This should be done at home, in private!"
Kazuma: "Is Aqua going to be alright alone out there?"
Darkness: "Wait, oh no!"
Aqua presented something to the Princess. A sand painting so realistic, that it looked like a black and white picture from afar.
Aqua: "To commemorate the time that we met the Princess, I present to you, your very own sand painting! I even got the disgraceful bit of sauce at the corner of your lips."
The Princess frantically wiped her lip. Darkness held her head.
Darkness: "This party is going to be the death of me."
Kazuma: "(Y/N) left, by the way."
Darkness: "What?!"
Kazuma pointed back in the room, and Darkness saw him standing in front of the Princess. They watched him as he took off his hat and placed it over his heart, took a bow, and pressed the 'on' button for his southern charm.
(Y/N): "Howdy, I'm (Y/N) (L/N). Part time adventurer, and full time musician. Pleased to meet you, little miss."
White-suited Woman: "You will refer to her as Princess!"
(Y/N): "Ah, I'm so sorry, it's just a part of my culture slipping out. I hope you can forgive me."
Iris began to whisper to the White-suited woman again.
White-suited Woman: "I-I see. The nickname has no ill intent behind it, in fact, it feels as though it has importance. And the 'Miss' has a certain formality, as well as sincerity to it, so I'll accept this name...The Princess said."
Darkness: "That went...surprisingly well."
(Y/N) just smiled.
(Y/N): "Well then, little miss, I suppose you've heard of me. What other reason would there be for this meal?"
She whispered again.
White-suited Woman: "I've heard many good things about both your party's victories, and the music that you play...The Princess said."
(Y/N): "I must say, I'm honored, the Princess of the nation has heard of a small town adventurer like me. Would you like for me to play you a song?"
Kazuma: "Here's where it goes down hill."
More whispering.
White-suited Woman: "I would greatly appreciate hearing some of the music that is famous and well know all around the nation...The Princess said."
(Y/N) pulled Amelia off his back.
(Y/N): "I'd be right happy to. This song's called Disasterpiece."
Darkness came running before (Y/N) could play a single note.
Darkness: "Your Highness Iris, I'll chase these insolent fools out! Please wait a moment!"
She lifted her dress above her feet, and screamed as she charged them.
White-suited Woman: "Because the princess saw the rare sight of the normally calm and quiet Lalatina being so frantic, she won’t pursue the matter. It’s normal for adventurers to be a little crude. So hurry up and tell your stories of adventure, the princess said."
Darkness bowed.
Darkness: "My deepest apologies! These four are the most troublesome of all adventurers!"
Aqua took Darkness' distraction as an opportunity and gave the sand painting to the Princess.
Aqua: "For you."
The Princess looked shocked, and hurriedly whispered to the white-suited woman again.
White-suited Woman: "To draw such a perfect sand painting is so little time...Amazing, simply amazing! A reward for you! The Princess said."
The white-suited woman pulled a small gem, that was obviously valuable, and handed it to Aqua. She smiled as she held it up to the light. Darkness lowered her head and sat to the right of the Princess, while Kazuma sat on her left. Aqua and Megumin sat at Darkness' side, with (Y/N) sitting beside Megumin. The Princess looked at Kazuma and whispered to the white-suited woman again.
White-suited Woman: "Are you the brave adventurer that Mitsurugi mentioned? Tell me your story. The Princess said. I would also like to hear how you defeated Mitsurugi."
Kazuma: 'Is Mitsurugi famous in the kingdom or something?'
(Y/N): "Kazuma wasn't the one to defeat him."
Everyone looked to (Y/N) who was already tearing into his meal.
Darkness: 'Oh no...'
(Y/N): "I did."
White-suited Woman: "You don't seem like much of a swordsman though."
(Y/N): "You'd be surprised. But you're right, at the time, I didn't have a sword."
The Princess whispered again.
White-suited Woman: "If you defeated the great swordsman Mitsurugi without a sword of your own, then how did you go about doing it? The Princess said."
(Y/N) didn't even look up from his food.
(Y/N): "I kneed him in the head really, really hard."
Everyone sweatdropped. One party because they thought he was lying, and the other because they knew he wasn't.
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Kazuma: "And with a stroke of genius, I locked Sylvia in the facility, giving the Crimson Demons time to regroup!"
White-suited Woman: "Amazing! I’ve heard of all sorts of adventuring stories, but you’re the first person I've met that fights in this way! It's also this is the first time I’ve heard such an amazing story full of surprises! The stories of the other adventurers simply detailed how they elegantly wiped out the monsters, or how he defeated the dragon on the mountain with just a sword…The stories told so far were amazing, but they were all how the heroes defeated the monsters one-sidedly! That’s what Her Highness said."
Kazuma: '(Y/N) did a lot too, it'd be unfair not to give him a little glory.' "But you should've seen (Y/N)."
(Y/N): "Wait what?"
Kazuma: "He saved a small girl from a house dangerously close to a raging inferno! He was running like everyone else, but two Crimson Demon girls stumbled and fell. So he turned around and put himself between them and the Devil King's army, with nothing but his sword and his guitar! And he even made the general lose her composure by mocking her, giving us an opening to get a shot in to finish it all! But all that can't be compared to his final attack...The dragon constructed from lightning of the gods, The Harvester of Sorrow!"
The Princess stared at (Y/N) with shining eyes, then whispered to the white-suited woman again.
White-suited: "Is all this true? The Princess says. I would also very much like to know if this is the truth."
(Y/N): "Y-yeah, it is. I just don't like flaunting good deeds. I didn't do it to receive something, I did it to help."
Megumin: "But that isn't all he did that night. He also took a sword in his back to protect me, and he still has the scar to prove it. (Y/N), show them."
(Y/N): "I am not about to strip for the Princess! Little Miss, you'll just have to take my word for it, it hurt like...nobody's business."
Aqua: "Yeah, I healed him up, but didn't have time to get rid of the scar, since we were in a battle and all."
Kazuma: "Yep, we're always working hard to keep bettering ourselves."
The Princess whispered to the white-suited woman once again.
White-suited Woman: "How exemplary! As you are always working to better yourselves, how do you spend your days? The Princess is curious, as am I."
Kazuma: "I usually stay in during the day, and venture out at night, patrolling the city and keeping law and order."
White-suited Woman: "And of the Musical Adventurer?"
(Y/N): "I'm a night owl as well, but usually in a different way. I've been given the name Musical Adventurer for a reason. If the local adventurers are getting complacent, or just need a good kick in the...seat of their pants, the guild calls me. I'll go play a show for the adventurers, and it raises their morale. But at home, I train often. Well, I play often. But I do practice my mana channeling a lot. But I've prepared a couple songs to show you, if you'd like to hear them once I finish eating."
The Princess whispered to her attendant once again.
White-suited Woman: "I would love to hear the music that has made you famous around the nation, but I must say, you two are much different than other adventurers I've met. What did you do before becoming adventurers? The Princess said."
Kazuma thought for a moment.
Kazuma: "In my home country, I had the job of guarding my family's house. I trained day after day, honing my skills to protect my home from disaster. It was a miserable and thankless job."
White-suited Woman: "Kind of like the castle guards at the capital. They're much the same, they don't receive much credit. But the guards being idle is evidence of peace...And as for you?"
(Y/N) looked up in thought.
(Y/N): "...Not much has changed, other than my paycheck. I was in a traveling band, with some of the best friends I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. We went all over that country...I think we played in a dive bar in every single major city. I used to fight people a lot more, and I used to drink a lot more, but other than that, I'm pretty much the same man."
(Y/N) finished his food and stood up, then he reached for Amelia. Darkness was praying in her mind.
(Y/N): "How about I show you how we do instrumentals back home?"
The Princess tugged on her attendant's sleeve, and whispered again.
White-suited Woman: "With just one instrument, an instrumental seems impossible. How will you go about doing this? The Princess wonders."
(Y/N): "Amelia here has a looper built in. But how about I give you the full experience, with stage banter and all?"
White-suited Woman: "Experiencing a show firsthand will be most enjoyable when it is the full experience, so please do. The Princess says."
(Y/N): "As you wish, Little Miss. See, my favorite part of music is that you can connect to it, and each song has a story. But with instrumentals, you can tell a story without speaking a single word, and I think that's priceless. This is a song called Bullhead's Lament, a song that I find most beautiful. I truly hope that you can share my sentiment."
(Y/N) flipped the looper on as they all watched him. The C arpeggios were played from the looper as (Y/N) played another voicing higher on the neck. He played the lead, and the Princess' eyes lit up. He then played the overdriven lead, but kept the gain low. Soon the harmonies came in, and even the Princess' attendants were blown away by the sound. They soon fell out and left the C arpeggios to finish the song. (Y/N) finished the song by strumming a D minor open shape, but in this tuning it was a C. As he looked up again, everyone, even the Dustiness mansion staff started to clap. (Y/N) took off his hat and took a bow before sitting back down at the table.
(Y/N): "So Little Miss, did you like it?"
She bounced up and down a small bit as she whispered to the white-suited woman again.
White-suited Woman: "This composition was simply exquisite to hear! No wonder you and your music are so famous! The Princess says. Frankly, I must agree."
(Y/N) tipped his hat.
(Y/N): "Well thank you kindly."
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White-suited Woman: "To think that you won against Mitsurugi...Excuse my impudence, but may I look at your adventurer card? I'd like to use as a reference for myself."
(Y/N) & Kazuma: 'We'll be in trouble if she sees the lich skills.'
Megumin could feel the anxiety coming from the two, so she tried to help diffuse the situation.
Megumin: "For us adventurers, that information is sensitive. It's on a need-to-know basis. Instead, the party is winding down, so Aqua, show them one of your party tricks."
Kazuma: 'Aqua might actually be useful here!'
Aqua: "Eh? I already drew something incredible today, so I'll just relax. I'll show you tomorrow if you wanna see it so bad. Excuse me! More wine!"
(Y/N): 'Should've known better than to get my hopes up...'
White-suited Woman: "We're not adventurers, we're nobility of the kingdom. We won't carelessly give away Kazuma-dono and (Y/N)-dono's information. Referencing their skills will help improve the combat ability of the kingdom's army, in turn helping to defeat the Devil King. May you aid us in improving the combat potential of the kingdom? Or do you have some reason to keep it from us?"
Darkness spoke up.
Darkness: "These men have the weakest job, as adventurers. They probably have have a complex about it. Can you let it go on my account?"
Kazuma scratched his head nervously. (Y/N) just stared at his empty plate.
Kazuma: "Looks like I've been found out...Aw man, this is embarrassing."
(Y/N): 'I'm glad Darkness can resolve this, but at the same time...I don't wanna give them another bullshit reason to look down on me.'
The woman looked disappointed.
White-suited Woman: "If you have the weakest job, are you really as good as you say you are? You say you bested Mitsurugi, but is that really true? If so, please enlighten us."
(Y/N): "I broke his nose."
White-suited Woman: "What?"
(Y/N): "I didn't have a sword, and he challenged me to a duel. So we were just two men fighting, our only weapons were our fists and our wits. He's too reliant on the Cursed Sword of his, and I've been a fighting man for years, so I caught him off guard and that clown got his head split."
The Princess whispered again.
White-suited Woman: "I find it hard to believe that the handsome Mitsurugi lost to someone with the weakest job. Are you lying to me, a royal? Even common folk know about the great Swordmaster who wields a magic sword. It's unfathomable for him to lose to someone of the weakest job in the beginner town, since he's handsome...The Princess said. I think so too, since he's handsome."
(Y/N): "I honestly don't care what you believe. I know what I did, and I'm not obligated to prove myself to y'all, royalty or not."
The white-suited woman was obviously agitated by (Y/N) as she drew her sword.
White-suited Woman: "How dare you disrespect royalty!"
Darkness: "My humble apologies, my companion said something rude! He’s a man who doesn’t even know basic manners, please forgive him on my sake! It’s a fact that this man achieved great merits, and it would be inadequate for Your Highness Iris who invited him to a meal to hand down punishment!"
Darkness lowered her head as she apologized. The Princess whispered to the white-suited woman again.
White-Suited Woman: "...Her Highness Iris says she won’t pursue the matter on the account of the Dustiness house. However, her mood has been spoiled. The reward for the stories of adventures will be paid out as usual. Those conmen with the weakest job over there, they will leave after taking the money."
(Y/N): "Ow! Megumin, you're hurting me, like a lot."
Megumin: "...Sorry."
Under the table, Megumin had (Y/N)'s hand in a vice grip. She let up a little after his yelp of pain, but still was holding on tight. He leaned over and whispered to her.
(Y/N): "I guess we're the perfect couple, always blowing up at people."
She squeezed his hand again.
(Y/N): "I-I get it, not the time. But seriously, you and me both don't take shit when it's about our friends. You're doing a really good job keeping calm."
Megumin: "Anywhere else, and I wouldn't be able to stand it. But if I blow up here, it'll just cause more trouble for Darkness..."
Darkness looked down as she overheard the two. She made up her mind, stood up and bowed her head.
Darkness: "My sincerest apologies Your Highness Iris, but please take back your words calling these men conmen. They may exaggerate a little, but they told no lies. Even if they have the weakest job, these two are more reliable than anyone I know. Princess Iris, may you correct your speech from earlier?"
The white-suited woman instantly became furious.
White-suited Woman: "What are you saying, Lady Dustiness?! You want the Princess to beg beg for forgiveness from a couple of peasants?!"
The Princess stood up and spoke loud enough for everyone to hear.
Iris: "I won't apologize. If he wasn't lying, then let him detail exactly how he defeated Mitsurugi-sama. If he can't do that, it would mean that he's just a weakling who runs his mouth-"
The Princess was interrupted by Darkness slapping her on the cheek. The white-suited woman stood in front of the Princess and glared at Darkness.
White-suited Woman: "What are you doing, Lady Dustiness?!"
Iris: "Wait, no!"
The sound of a chair falling backwards and plates and silverware clanging together were heard as white-suited woman brought her sword down towards Darkness. Next came the sound of a dull thud.
White-suited Woman: "What-"
(Y/N): "Royal or not, I don't tolerate people out to hurt my friends."
(Y/N) had jumped out of his chair, sending it backwards onto the floor. Then he'd gotten behind Darkness and put his arms in front of her to catch the blade. It looked as though the sword was embedded into (Y/N)'s wrist, but on closer inspection, that wasn't the case. Ripping through his suit sleeve were rows upon rows of razor sharp spikes. He'd twisted his wrist into a position that the spikes gripped onto the sword, keeping it in place despite all effort to move it.
White-suited Woman: "How dare you!"
(Y/N): "I've been on both ends of hell's wrath, feel free to try me."
He yanked his wrist back, simultaneously sending the sword flying into a wall behind him, and retracting his wristband. Darkness payed no mind the angry look on the white-suited woman's face, instead focusing on the Princess. She softly held the cheek that she had slapped.
Darkness: "Your Highness Iris, please forgive my impudence, but that isn't something you should say to the people who did their best and achieved numerous merits along the way. He also has no obligation to explain how he defeated the magic sword user. Not explaining shouldn't earn him a lecture."
She spoke in a calm and soothing voice, like she was teaching a child. (Y/N) sighed.
(Y/N): "If Lalatina-sama has helped helped me out this much, I suppose it's only natural to carry my own weight now. I usually don't like hitting women, but I'll demonstrate the strength I used to skull check Mitsurugi. You shouldn't remember much of it anyway."
The white-suited woman got into a stance.
Iris: "Enough! Claire, I'm fine!"
(Y/N): 'She's changed quite a bit...Maybe her nature isn't as bad as it seems.'
Kazuma yelled from the table.
Kazuma: "(Y/N), don't break her teeth. A woman's smile is one of her most desirable features. But when I think of how she's looked down on us...A crooked nose won't hurt her too much."
The two laughed for a second, before (Y/N) rolled up his sleeves. He threw his wristbands to Kazuma.
(Y/N): "Take these, so I don't end up with manslaughter charges."
He looked to the white-suited woman.
(Y/N): "Shall we begin?"
The white-suited woman didn't even respond. She charged at (Y/N), readying a wild punch. What she didn't expect was for (Y/N) to duck. She braced herself for a punch to her stomach, but it never came. Instead, (Y/N) jammed his shoulder into her gut and grabbed her legs throwing her off balance. He lifted her up over his head, and fell backwards with her, suplexing her into the floor. She would've made some kind of noise from the pain, that is if the wind wasn't knocked from her lungs. (Y/N) stood up and grabbed her hand, pulling the white-suited woman to her feet.
(Y/N): "I mean...You tried. Need me to show you exactly how I broke Mitsurugi's nose, or is this enough?"
White-suited Woman: "...This...is quite...enough..."
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White-suited Woman: "Um, my apologies for this. I'm sorry that things turned out like this."
The Princess hid behind the white-suited woman.
Darkness: "Don't worry over it, we're at fault as well."
(Y/N): "Yeah, I'm sorry I knocked you around like that."
White-suited Woman: "But seriously, that Arch Priest is extraordinary."
They looked to Aqua, who was face down on the table, passed out from drinking.
(Y/N) & Kazuma: 'Extraordinarily stupid.'
White-suited Woman: "Her healing not only took away any pain, but I also feel better than I have in years. Combined with Lady Dustiness' toughness, the lady with crimson eyes who seems to be a Crimson Demon...With such members, it's no wonder your party has taken out Devil King generals."
The Princess turned and nervously whispered to the Mage on her other side.
Kazuma: 'I honestly forgot she was here.'
Mage: "Your Highness, I believe you should say these words personally. I've been observing, and Kazuma-dono seems like the type to dote on girls like you."
(Y/N): "She's calling you a lolicon."
Kazuma: "I know, and it's royally pissing me off."
The Princess walked over in front of Kazuma and (Y/N) with her head lowered. She lifted it slightly as she spoke.
Iris: "I'm sorry for calling you liars...Do you think you could tell me more stories of your adventures in the future? And of course play more songs too?"
Kazuma: "Of course!"
(Y/N): "I suppose I've got a few more songs to play you."
The Princess finally acted her age as she smiled wide.
Mage: "Well then, we’ll be returning to the castle. Lady Dustiness and everyone else, sorry for troubling you."
Darkness: "We should be the ones thanking you for accepting our shoddy reception. Your Highness Iris...we can talk again the next time we meet at the castle. I’ll tell you all sorts of adventuring stories then."
Darkness gave a warm smile, and the princess smiled back shyly. They looked just like a pair of sisters. The mage looked watched the two with a serene smile as she started chanting teleport magic.
White-suited Woman: "The Kingdom will keep all your accomplishments in our history books. And we present you with this to reward your merits."
The white-suited woman handed a plaque and a bag of something to Darkness.
Darkness: "Really, I’m flattered…Princess Iris, please take care of yourself!"
Darkness held on to the items and smiled warmly, Megumin waving goodbye at her side. (Y/N) patted the Princess' head.
(Y/N): "Don't worry Little Miss. The next time we meet, I'll play you all the songs you wanna hear."
Kazuma: "And I'll tell you as many stories stories as you wanna hear. We'll all have a good time."
The mage completed her chant as the Princess pulled on Kazuma's hand.
Iris: "What do you mean?"
Mage: "Teleport!"
The mage, the white-suited woman, Princess Iris, Kazuma, and (Y/N) were were all enveloped by a bright light. They closed their eyes to shield them, and when they opened them again, they were standing in front of a massive castle.
Mage & White-suited Woman: "Princess Iris?!"
Princess: "Didn't you tell me you'd tell me more stories, and play me more songs?"
The Princess looked up at them with an innocent smile.
(Y/N): "Huh. Kidnapped by a Princess. I can put that on, and cross that off my bucket list."
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That's the first LN chapter done. It's hard to adjust from writing it off the anime to from the LN, it's a big jump, and that's why this took a hot minute. All things considered, I think it turned out well, long too. I'm gonna start working on the next, and I might have it out sooner cause I'm kinda in the groove of writing it now. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you in the next chapter.