Later that night I settled down at my desk and worked on homework. I finished a rough draft for my writing final as my phone buzzed on my desk. I flipped it over half expecting a text from Dimitri and to my surprise the name 'Liz - Nerd' popped up on my screen.
"(Liz): What's up nerd. How's your finals going." I could hear the annoying sisterly tone with her text.
"Hey, just finishing up my first one. What about you, nerd." I texted back almost immediately.
She took her time answering, "Just working on some studying thought I'd check in. See how your little bromance is going."
"Bitch, fuck off. Who keeps telling you all this."
"A little bird-y. Doesn't matter, give me the 'deeds'."
"Ugh, you're so weird." I argued, finding the topic of admitting that I've kissed Dimitri to be a little weird entirely.
"No I'm curious. You're my big brother but that doesn't mean I can't treat you like my little one." She answered quickly.
"Oh my god. I mean we spend a lot of time together. I spent the night at his place last night. We went to Waffle House." I answered.
"Nice." She attached an embarrassed emoji with it.
"No, fuck you. No." I answered quickly. I could feel the tension of the conversation begin to change my thoughts as I found a way to shift the conversation.
"Oh ok. Good. Just making sure." She answered almost in an annoying sisterly way.
"Fuck you." I answered and double texted, "What about you? You want to check in on my shit. Who you talking to?" I answered trying to change the subject.
"Oh, no one important. It's the end of the year." She answered.
"Oh please, now I know there's someone."
"You sound like Mom." I giggled at my phone as she doubled texted, "His name's Jason. She sent a photo of a tall, African-American guy with short black hair and a familiar face that I'd recognize anywhere. I played soccer with him for over two years. He's been one of our family friends since I was little. Our parents would get together and we would have bonfires after soccer games. The taste of s'mores just barely missed my taste buds.
"Wait, you can't be serious!" I answered.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up. We're not gonna talk about it." She answered almost immediately.
"I'm telling Dad!" I joked.
"I'll tell Dad about your little thing!" She answered.
"Bitch, please. If they found out about you, they would cheer you on. If they found out about me, I wouldn't have a place to sleep." I answered.
"Alright, fair." She quickly responded.
"Yeah. But I didn't think he went to your school?" I asked.
"He doesn't, but we've been texting for a bit now and he came to visit over the weekend." She answered.
"Oop." I responded with the same emoji she sent.
"No, no, no. Don't you dare. He came to visit his friend that goes here." She returned.
"Ok, fine. But that doesn't mean y'all didn't spend a lot of time together!" I answered enthusiastically.
"Shut up, you spent the night at your boy's place." She answered.
I texted back almost immediately, "He's not 'my boy' he's my best friend."
"With benefits." She added on quickly.
"No."
"Yes."
"Oh my god. Alright nerd. I got to take a shower and go to bed. Leave me alone." I joked.
"Alright nerd, good night." She answered.
"Night nerd." I answered simply.
I slid my phone into my pocket as I got up out of my chair.
*'My boy.' What does that even mean. We're not dating or anything, hell we have a week left to spend time together before I never see him again.*
The sudden change in thought process made me feel a little empty inside. Suddenly I found myself moving a little sluggish and felt my heart drop.
*A week... before I never see him again.* I thought again.
I collected my nightly pajamas. Tonight's choices were a pair of red and grey shorts and a blank red t-shirt. I was getting ready for a shower when Bella came back in the room from her own.
"Hey, what's up?" She said as she put all her stuff away.
The pit in my stomach echoed through my body, but I managed to throw on a smile, "About to go take a shower myself." I explained while grabbing my towel.
"Alright, don't bother me when you get back." She gave a wide smile.
"Just for that I'll flick the lights." I smiled back.
"Better not!" She answered as she went to sit down at her desk.
"Yeah, yeah." I answered opening the door. "Be back soon." I said as I began to walk down the hall, closing the door behind me.
I looked at my shorts again, they were the same ones I got stuck wearing at the party all those weeks ago.
*God, how long ago was that? Like three, four weeks?*
I made it down the hall in front of a small enclave. To the left was a girls bathroom door and in the middle was a single door that said "gender neutral bathroom" this one is a single bathroom. I like this one more than the community ones. The door knob was turned so a small green label read, "Vacant". I buzzed in and opened the door as the light turned on. A small room lit up as I walked in. I shut the heavy wooden door and turned the deadbolt which would change to "Occupied" on the doorknob on the other side. A small toilet that set on the left corner of the room, a sink with a big mirror and a stand up shower with a big fabric curtain stood on the right side. Everything was white and had a almost 'clean' feeling to it. Even though I was told to never take a shower barefoot here.
I quickly use the restroom and turned on the water. Immediately I'm met with a warm burst of hot water as the room began to steam up. I quickly undressed and fiddled with the water, trying to get it to the perfect temperature. As soon as I decided it was just right I hopped in the shower. Making sure my shower caddy was in arm's reach of the shower entrance.
I quickly washed my hair with shampoo and added condition. The lukewarm water falling on my skin reminded me of rain.
*Cracker barrel's parking lot.*
The memory shot through my mind. I could see Dimitri huddled in a small corner as I tried to calm him down and pull him out of his little shell. We sat down on the bench and talked about the rain. I listened to it softly as Dimitri's words rang out through my head. I could hear the unrhythmic putter of the rain on the concert that the shower was so reminiscent of. I couldn't help but smile as I remembered pulling Dimitri out in the rain and seeing him scamper to jump back on the balcony. When I finally gave up and went to pull the car around as he decided to join me.
*It was like a movie. A very happy, horribly corny, movie.*
I thought as I began to think about everything between me and Dimitri.
*We're not dating... and we shouldn't be. But I don't want him to get the wrong idea. A week...*
I repeated in my head. I wanted to cry as I thought about how far we've come. Even through the shower water falling on me, which usually numbs even the most hurt places on my body. It didn't come nearly close enough to numbing the way my heart dropped and the way the butterflies in my stomach seemed to flap at the back of my throat.
*A week. And I'll never see him again... What do I do? I can't let him throw away his entire college career just because he wants to be here.*
I thought about it for a second and realized something. Those people who sacrificed their favorite colleges to be with their high school sweethearts. And it never working out.
*I can't let him be the same way. He's gonna be half a world a way. He has to go someplace new. He'll find someone better, someone who can actually treat him right. I'm stuck being too worried that my parents are going to find out about us to have a stable relationship.*
I told myself as I could feel my stomach become lower in my gut and I could feel an invisible hand pulling at the back of my mind.
*Dimitri is good looking, hilarious, charming, smart, and everything of the above. He won't have any trouble finding someone who can give him something better that I can't.*
*Maybe it's better if we don't follow this...* I concluded. *Maybe I should've followed my own advice and cut this off weeks ago.*
It felt as if someone put an ice cube in the very center of my soul. I could feel the fighting sensation in the back of my eyes as tears began to well up.
*I do like him. I have to accept that. I like Dimitri Aétos. But it's not in the cards for us.*
I could almost feel a tear fall but I lost it almost immediately in the shower water.
*Dimitri can, and will, find someone so much better. Someone who can actually give him a happy life. Maybe he'll actually find someone in his league.* I joked with myself trying to lighten up but to no prevail.
*Dimitri Aétos, the big lug that I had to let go. The only other person in my life who actually noticed me for being more than a friend. And the second person that I have to let go in my desert of a love life.*
I tried to joke but couldn't help feeling the tension in my chest. I had to step back out of the falling water to take a breathe. I didn't realize it but I was crying, subtly, but couldn't help but stifle a sniffle as I tried to take a controlled breathe. I could feel my throat close and I struggled to breathe as I almost choked on the water in my nose. I took another breathe and found it stuck deep in my chest. I had to force it out, causing my breathing to become erratic and couldn't hold back a slight whimper. *I told you this shit would happen.* I told myself as I could feel my body begin to collapse into the crying fit. My chest felt tight and my throat felt like it was closing. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and I could feel my very center of being turned to ice. It felt so lonely, and empty. Something I had almost forgotten about. Dimitri managed to sweep me off my feet, he pulled me out of that lonely feeling. It was just one more thing that his magic seemed to work on me.
I took a second just trying to find a way to calm down. Find something that can pull me out of this fit. Nothing came to mind, everything was swirling in my head as the water came down on my skin. But everything circled Dimitri's stupid face in my mind. I tried to change the subject, *Maybe a sunset.* And the memory of us walking to the parking garage as he grabbed my hand and interlaced our fingers popped into my mind.
*Stop, maybe a good run.* The memory of us booking it down the street toward his apartment flooded my senses as I could feel the wind in my face.
*Oh my god. Remember playing soccer.* I told myself. The memory of us talking about our pasts after the sprinting competition. 'You would be good on the team here.' Dimitri's voice rang out through my head.
Everything that came to mind, everything that I felt encircled the very idea of Dimitri. His face flooded my memories and all I could think about was our kiss. I could feel my chest tighten even more and I couldn't help but give into the breakdown.
Nothing worked. Everything I did over the semester and everything I remember was him. And his stupid pretty face.
*How can I just say 'that's it' because I'm afraid he's gonna try to find someone else.*
*No, how can I say that we should be together if all I'm gonna do is hold him back if he finally meets someone else.* I argued with myself.
*When he meets someone else...* I clarified.
*Its not like I have a chance. I never did, he knew it was only for the semester, and I played right into it.* I stated.
*No, he wouldn't pull something as large as coming out to just mess with you for an entire semester. He cares, but doesn't see the long run.*
I remembered Luke telling me about how his coach was talking about Dimitri coming back with a full-ride. *A miracle. That's what that would be.*
*I've wished on so many stars before. But none of them come true. Wishing upon a star is like giving your list of chores and saying they'll do themselves. A miracle doesn't come true, this isn't a fairytale, and I am just a nobody that was just so lucky to be friends with a guy like Dimitri that I didn't have time to even think about what I had.*
*And now, all this semester's friendship is going to get you is a broken heart and a 'friend' that lives halfway across the world holding himself back for the off chance that you two might see each other again. Wake up. This isn't some Sleeping Beauty type shit. You won't wake up and suddenly have a stable life with Dimitri. You won't wake up on his shoulder again after this semesters over. You won't wake up and find yourself just happily holding his hand forever.* I argued with myself.
My sadness fixed itself into anger, not at Dimitri. But at myself. I was angry and felt so much hatred towards everything. Letting myself fall so fast for someone I told myself that I wouldn't.
The water fell over my face as I tried to control my breathing. Everything seemed to blur together as I tried to collect myself. My memories, my wishes, my ambitions. All of them seemed to focus around the idea that Dimitri and I would have such a happy and stable life. At my core I knew it was a complete lie.
*I have to tell him.* I finally concluded.
I could feel my throat close again as my heart dropped through the floor as I finally grasped the concept of us having to say our final goodbyes.
*I can't let him hold himself back for my sake. He needs to move on, he will find someone better. The only thing you will do is hold him back.*
My hands trembled but I was able to control my breathing and I could finally breathe at least a little more easily.
"It's not a fairytale. There's no one in life that can make you happy except yourself." I finally blurt out.
My voice cracked and sounded so raspy. The back of my throat felt like it was being tugged on by another onset of tears. This time I buried it down, holding my tongue and clearing my head.
I collected my final thoughts, *I have to tell him we have to go out separate ways.*
I wash quickly as I recollect everything, the sadness, the hatred, the cold. It was all so empty and I felt so alone.
*Bella was right.* I told myself as I remembered her words from the very beginning.
'I don't want you to get the wrong idea. He's cool, he just doesn't give me the right vibe. I just don't want you to get hurt.' Her words echoed in my head.
I washed and finished my shower. I collected my items and finally made my way back to the room. It just didn't feel the same, the happiness and optimism I had felt before was gone and all that was left felt like an empty chasm in the middle of my mental being. It was cold, dark, empty and felt like nothingness.
I quickly worked my way into the now dark room, except for Bella's phone that illuminated her face six feet above the ground as she laid in bed. "Finally." She remarked.
"Oh shut up, it wasn't that long." I responded quickly trying to pick up my tone.
"You took an hour long shower." She returned flatly without turning to me.
"Ok... and...?" I answered flatly. My tone was a little rough.
She took a second to respond, either soaking up the answer, or watching another video. I heard laughing coming from her phone as she forgot about the conversation. I quickly worked my way in bed and shimmied under the covers until she finally picked the conversation back up. "What's wrong." She blurted out.
"What?" I asked confused.
"Ryan, I can tell somethings wrong." She answered flatly.
"Nothings wrong. Why would anything be wrong." I quickly answered as I rolled around in bed trying to find a comfortable spot.
"Fine." She said contently and rolled over.
The silence that fell between us was awkward but I had the feeling that I shouldn't break it.
I thought about it for another second, "I can't be with Dimitri." I flat out stated.
"What? Why?" She answered back quickly.
"He lives in Greece. And he isn't coming back to this school. I can't be the one to hold him back when he inevitably finds someone else." I answered.
"Ryan, just because he lives so far away doesn't mean he won't care about you." She said sitting up out of bed. For her to break her composure like that was almost nothing like her usual self. It made me sit up and in the faint light that peeked just under our curtain I could see her long blond straight hair fall over her shoulders and just the outlines of her face.
"But that's the thing. I can't hold him back like that. It's not fair to him. I would do anything to be with him. But if he never comes back and we can never see each other again, then what's the point?" I argue.
"Ryan, I know I always say 'fuck men they don't deserve me.' Which is true, they don't. But you and Dimitri have something special. He brought out something in you that just... seemed so natural. And besides didn't Luke say he was trying to find a way to get a full ride through Cross Country?" She asked.
"Yeah, but what if that doesn't happen? What if it falls through. There are too many what-ifs to take into consideration. If I'm the cause of him suddenly dropping out of school and struggling to just stay afloat if he does move here. Wouldn't that just make me the villain?" I said basically thinking aloud.
"No, Ryan. That's a risk Dimitri would have to accept. And by the sound and look of it, he looks like he has." Her tone was sweet and calm. She knew what the conversation was based around. And as much as I hated it, I could see where she was coming from.
"Are you doing this for him... or for you?" She asked cautiously.
I thought about the question just for a second before responding.
"Bella, I would do anything to be with Dimitri. He is a dream come true. But what if he doesn't come back? What if we end up like all those other long distance relationships where we just fall away? If it doesn't work out, if all else fails, why would someone like him... wait for someone like me?" I asked almost cautiously. I could feel my throat closing and my head felt heavier. My eyes began to sting as I could feel the fighting sensation of tears welling up in them again.
"Ryan. Please. You care too much for him-." I cut her off.
"That's the problem!" I argued feeling the first tear roll down my cheek. "I care too much! And I can't help it! I want to be with him so badly, but when all is said and done and he can't come back. He's going to meet other people, he's going to like other people! He has a brilliant and beautiful future ahead of him, and if I'm not in it. For me to hold him back like that would only be selfish! If I'm not in his future... if I'm not the one he would wake up to for the rest of his life. Then I want him to at least have the liberty to find that person who he will be with. I want him to at least be happy." I answered, a mix between a cry and yell as I began to break down again. Feeling the tears roll down my cheek as I roll over facing the dimly lit wall.
"Ryan... none of that is selfish. For you to want someone, for someone to want to be with you. Knowing full well that the times will be tough, that they will have to work even harder. That's what true compassion is. That's what true relationships are. And I know you don't want to hear it. But I think Dimitri has thought about this far more than you think. He's not as dumb as I'd give him credit for." She snickered to herself trying to let the mood up.
I didn't respond, I was busy trying to fight off the tears and recollect my thoughts. After another second of sniffling I finally felt like I had controlled the tears and stopped them. Bella slowly laid back down and rolled over as I sniffled away. "Just... don't close any doors. Good night, love you." She said calm and collected with a gentle and sincere tone.
"Good night, love you." I whimpered back as I tried to control myself. Slowly but surely I stopped the tears and controlled my breathing. I finally found myself utterly exhausted. I rolled over one more time wiping my face for the last time. And found a way to fall into a deep sleep as the black tiredness finally pulled me under.