School is killing my updating schedule.
...
(Mika)
I traced the scars on my hands endearingly, they were a part of me, a part of me I hated so much that I ended up loving it. A reminder of what made me me.
I wanted to interact with Yuu. I wanted to be the one to interact with Yuu. I wanted to see him scared of me. He needed to be scared of me for things to work. He was such a wild card in all of this. How do you control someone who almost knows everything about you? He's so close to knowing, the door is just barely cracked open. He's different than it is with Asher. Asher is weak, Asher is pathetic, Asher is a coward. Yuu is strong, Yuu is bold, Yuu is everything that I'm not. And Yuu is mostly sure that I won't seriously hurt him, that's quite a confidence boost when dealing with a violent criminal.
The thought of him ruining my life kept me up at night but it was also the biggest thrill I had at the moment. Asher was no where to be seen and if he was in hiding it means he told Yuu something he shouldn't have; something that would make me mad if I found out. I wasn't a little bitch and Asher knew that, Asher knew I wouldn't back down if I knew something was wrong.
I was in a constant inner battle between a detached part of me that wanted to do things cleanly, meticulously, perfectly and an obsessive, chaotic part of me that didn't care about consequences as long as he got what he wanted and what he wanted was nothing more than Yuu. Both seemed to agree on one thing though: I wanted to hurt someone.
Unfortunately, the person I really wanted to hurt, even just a little bit, was completely off limits due to the other side. I had grown so obsessed with seeing even a little bit of his pain that I'd practically fetishized it. It didn't even need to be physical, he just needed to be visibly upset by my actions. Just a few moments of emotional pain due to something I've done. I liked it in the past and you bet your ass I like it now.
There was just one major problem with that.
I grabbed at my hair as hard as I possibly could. Ever since I saw him the antsy feeling wouldn't stop whenever he wasn't in my sight. I have memories of feeling hollow without him in the past. However, empty was my default setting since a young age. Now when he was home I felt fucking awful. Like having a bad reaction to a drug. My body felt tingly and light in all the wrong ways, my head hurt, and I was insanely emotionally unstable (which I was doing rather well at hiding...mostly)
"Crowley!" I shouted aggressively from my spot on the floor.
"What?!" He shouted back from across the basement.
"Why the fuck aren't you upstairs?!" I scolded. I didn't know if I was really mad at him or just needed something to be mad at. My body felt like it was on fire. I unbuttoned the top few bottoms of my shirt to try and get some more ventilation.
I need to see him.
"Are you kidding me?! I just closed 2 hours ago! It's wayyyy too early to open!" He responded, "I don't open again for another 12 hours at least!"
I tapped my foot as I crushed my hands over my ears. His voice was so, so annoying. I couldn't handle how fucking shrill it sounded.
I need to punch something.
I slammed my hand against the wall, being sure to keep my wrist straight as to not break anything and resisted my urge to slam my head off of the wall. Slamming someone else's head against the wall sounded oh so appealing. I was feeling much more homicidal than usual, almost too much to want to be out of my house.
I want to see him.
"Hey, I heard a bang," Crowley peaked his head around the corner and I immediately thought of how I could break his neck by pulling that braid just a little too hard. He was wearing less clothing than the strippers upstairs and I just wanted to break his fucking fingers, "you look sweaty."
"And you look like a whore." I snarled, entangling my hands in my hair once more.
"You don't really sound too good either," he got a little closer, making my life 100x harder, "are you feeling ok?"
I crashed my hand back on the wall and stared at him with eyes blown wide open, "Oh my god! Shut the fuck up!" I snapped at him.
"You're covered in sweat, aggressive, look like you didn't sleep before coming here, and probably overstimulated. You need to go home." He said. For the record, I didn't sleep last night, my mother was spotted in the area so I analyzed that for a while and then couldn't sleep so I came here.
I snickered pathetically as I let out a quiet scream of frustration, "How would you like me to do that?! If I drove right now I promise you I will intentionally kill a family of four coming back from their day at monster golf and tell the judge that I was cracked out on cough serum and needed to preform an exorcism!"
Crowley stared at me for a minute, "That's... oddly specific. Would the exorcism be because it was monster golf?"
"YES! OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE IT WAS MONSTER GOL-" I slammed my head into my knees and screamed again.
"There won't be anyone on the roads right now anyway. What time do you even think it is?" Asked in his o so theatrical way. If he ever asked a question that doubted me again I'd show him theatrics.
"I'm. Not. Fucking. Driving." I hissed.
"Just call the red haired kid to come get you." He suggested.
"Mmm, well, I would be overjoyed to, aside from the fact he ran the fuck away!" I forced an overly aggressive smile towards him.
"What?!" Crowley shouted and his knees never looked more breakable, "He knows everything, EVERYTHING! How could you let him get away!?"
I slowly got myself up from the ground and placed a hand on Crowley's shoulder, squeezing hard. I wanted so bad to get rid of this feeling, "Asher. Isn't. Shit." I reminded Crowley as I have so many times before, "He's in hiding and will stay in hiding until he either dies or comes back to me because Asher is a coward. Call my boyfriend," I roughly placed my phone into his hand, "he doesn't want to hear from me right now, but he doesn't want to hear from you even more so it really works out."
"Whatever, Mr. Tepes." He held the phone up to his ear and I instinctively listened closer to hear Yuu's voice when he answered.
"Hello?" There it was; the absolute euphoria of even slight relief from what I was feeling. He sounded groggy and that's when I remembered I had no idea what time it was, I felt bad for waking him up at god knows what time.
Hearing him made me go from aggressively homicidal to aggressively depressed. I felt so alone as soon as I calmed down even a little.
"Hi, is this Yuichiro?" He asked. I fucking hated Crowley. He asked the dumbest questions in the name of politeness or some other vile construct.
"Yeah." Yuu responded curtly and I could see him there, one arm hanging off the side of the bed as he laid there in one of those tank tops with the massive arm holes and shorts, eyes closed, hardly listening.
This was the major problem. Whenever I experienced literally anything regarding him even in the slightest I became so dumb. So while I may have wanted to present as aggressive and detached, all I could do was think about how warm he was, like a personal heater.
It was nearly impossible to keep up the persona around Kureto.
I'm a totally different person when he's not involved and he even knows that! He somehow some way wormed his way into my life and knows more about me than even I do. If he were anyone else he'd be in a ditch right now (metaphorically. I would never dispose of a body in a ditch, that's so reckless) but against my better judgment I am so insanely attached to him that I don't know what I'm going to do.
Asher definitely thought that this was just another game to me, even my own mother seemed to be playing by the usual rules of my relationships, but no, noooo, this time it's so much more. This time I'm not even in full control of myself. I'm gambling as much as anyone else this time and oh my do I hate not having control but I'm such a bitch for the risk. Thinking about what they might've told him, what things could've possibly been said, was he scared? Doubtful? Was he planning something?
I wanted to have fun with this, but it got so much harder to do so after I realized I loved him. It was set up to be fun: he saw through all my lies but still played along, he did his own digging and knows more than I think he does, he has the potential to randomly remember enough to subdue me, and if I was right, he already had. I was enjoying protecting him, subtlety pushing limits, and solving a potential murder on the side all while trying to misdirect him and feed him obvious lies. I didn't mean to end up regretting it.
"Well, um, Mikaela," he glanced at me as he said my first name and I felt a growl bubble in my throat, "is here and he really does not look good."
"Ok," Yuu responded, still obviously zoning, "Not good?"
Crowley shot me another glance as I death started him, "He looks exhausted amd sweaty and is being kind of aggressive."
"He's always aggressive," Yuu chuckled, "anyway, it's like... 4 in the morning. Do you want me to come get him or something?"
"Yeah, if you wouldn't mind." Crowley smiled.
"He's at the club, right?" Yuu questioned.
"Right." Crowley confirmed.
Yuu let out a sigh, "I'm gonna need at least 30 minutes to get there. Is he dying or will he be fine?"
"Both...?" Crowley pressed his lips together.
"Fuck..." there was shuffling as he got out of bed and I heard some doors opening, "put him on the phone."
Crowley handed me the phone with a smile and I hesitantly put it up to my ear, "Hey, baby."
"What's wrong?" He asked as soon as I was done.
"You literally said yourself I'm always aggressive, the fuck do you mean what's wrong?" I asked.
"Yeah, yeah, I know what I said. But you sound like you got hit by a bus and your breathing is heavy. When was the last time you slept?" He asked.
"Like... two nights ago." I admitted easily to him. I didn't feel like lying right now.
"When was the last time you ate something?" He asked.
"I think I ate yesterday at 5." 5am, but he didn't need to know that part and it'd be better if he thought pm.
"Drank water?" The questions kept coming and yet I wasn't annoyed with him.
"I don't actually know the answer to that one." I said.
"Drank anything that wasn't alcoholic?" He broadened the topic.
"Probably same time I ate." I said.
I heard some cabinets opening and closing on the other end, "Do you like Cheerios or Frosted Flakes? And then apples, oranges, or grapes?"
"Frosted Flakes and I guess grapes. What are you doing?" I asked.
"Don't be a dumbass, I'm making you something to eat for the car. The cereal is gonna be dry but oh well. I'm gonna bring the big water bottle and I want you to drink the whole thing. Then, I'm going to take you to your house where you will take a shower because god knows when the last time that was and then I am going to trap you in your cloud of a bed where you will sleep because it's 4am and I'm still tired and you've been up for two days. After all that, we are going to have breakfast and then we're gonna have a talk about this and some other stuff." He jingled his keys.
"Did my mother speak with you?" I knew the answer, but this was the best way to start that conversation.
"Yes, and we'll talk about that after breakfast." He shut me down.
"I'm sorry for doing this to do you when you needed space." I said.
"...ok." He responded, that was his not so subtle hint that it wasn't fine, but he wouldn't outwardly complain.
"Do you still love me?" I was getting over emotional and being too open in public, but I wanted to know, "Even after hearing what they've said, what my own mother said? Even when you know it's true?"
"I feel like this isn't a topic for over the phone," he sighed, "yes, but that isn't enough at this point. I still want to be with you but if we're going to make this work things have to change. Both of us have to work on ourselves. But I know you, so I already know you're thinking of the options. And since I know you I know what they are. Either we can be happy or you can be happy, but," he let out a little noise, "I'm not sure how happy you'll be when things start to add up. I'll see you soon." The call ended and I was left feeling dumbfounded.
Fuck.
I was right and for once in my life I wish I wasn't. The reason I'm here right now, the reason I feel like shit, the original reason why was back. And he was ready to pick up right where we left off.
"You look... sad." Crowley sod uncomfortably.
"Not that it's really you're business, but I'll have you know I'm now sulking." I let my head fall back against the wall.
"Well, if the kid's gone, you can tell me." He smiled.
"Fuck off, you disgusting parasite," my attempts to make him go away failed miserably as he just stood there smiling. I sighed, deciding it was probably ok to just tell him, "do you have any idea what it's like to be in love with someone who hates you? Someone who can't stand even the mere thought of you?"
"No, can't say I do," he shrugged, "tell me all about it." His shit eating grin was all I needed to see to know this would be a long conversation.