New Year's Day: Hurrah!! Another year of hell!! *blows NYD whistle* I CAN'T WAIT TO GO INTO DEBT OR LOSE MY JOB!! *puts hands up into air* BETTER YET, BOTH AT THE SAME TIME!! *dances like a maniac* *intensely hums 'shake it off'*
Groundhog Day: A holiday to celebrate a lazy- but adorable groundhog wake up from the dead. *snaps picture* Omg, so so adorable. Ooh! Should I take a selfie? Totally!! *tries taking selfie with tempered groundhog* *gets face ripped off*
NOT MY GORGEOUS FACE, ANYTHING BUT MY GORGEOUS FACE!! YOU STUPID GROUNDHOG!! I'M SUING YOU FOR THIS!!
*calls Sasha* um *clears throat* Hi Sasha, I know that I promised to never call again after last time but you won't believe what just happened! A groundhog just decided to rip my face off for no apparent reason. I mean, who'd want to do that? Only an evil groundhog. Am I right or am I r- *Sasha hangs up*
Valentine's Day: *reclines against sofa, happily munching on a bagel and drinking bleach* *turns on tv*
The movie be like:
Human #1: i LiKe LoVe yOu sO mUcH
Human #2: i LoVe yOu mOrE
Human #1: uM, nO. i dO
Human #2: nO hOnEy, i dO
Me: *spits out bleach in disgust* DAMMIT ALREADY! WE GET IT ALREADY! YOU BOTH l-love EACHOTHER AND THAT'S THAT *throws hands up into air and trips over*
*changes channel while halfway dead* Ah, a peaceful death is better than a sappy one.
*realizes I'm not dead and only injured my arm* um... ok? *gets back up again and continues watching the television*
*tv show gets I interrupted with romance movie* YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? *screams at sky* WHYYYYY????
( What? Sometimes those movies can be pure cringe. Not all, but some. Sue me )
Saint Patrick's Day: Despite their claim to give you gold if you are to steal them, no matter what they offer, DON'T BELIEVE THEM!! IT'S A TRAP! As a matter a fact don't even look at them straight in the eye, or else you're forever hypnotized and converted into a midget yourself.
I'm talking about leprechauns. The one's with green hats and four leave clovers. They're evil. Pure evil.
How evil? As evil as dolphins! ( now everyone gasp please )
Yes, you heard me right! Leprechauns and dolphins.... *tremble* they work together, always have. Their goal is to poison every human on the earth's surface by this year.
How to avoid leprechauns and their manipulative behavior? Easy. Just carry around caffeinated coffee and if one is to ever to get close simply sprinkle drops of the coffee as if it was pepper spray. Leprechauns can't stand coffee, especially caffeinated. Why? It'll only diminish their size into a shorter length. Don't ask me why caffeinated coffee affects leprechauns like that. Just be grateful there's a strategy to outsmart them.
March 22: Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey. Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey Audrey
April Fool's Day: Well, what can I say? It's the best holiday to ever exist besides Christmas! Pranking your friends who don't trust you in the first place in fUN indeed!!
April's Fool Don't get this mixed up with 'April Fool' because despite the similar name, they're not connected whatsoever.
Unlike April Fool's, April's Fool is a day when a young fearless bear tamer by the name of April/ Not April is tasked with choosing a 'fool' to be her servant until the next April's Fool. Then she must choose a different 'fool' next year. The holiday annually takes place April 12.
Mother's Day: respect your mothers/ moms/ mamas/ mums etc. kids. Yes, I'm looking at you Jimmy. Always stressing out your mom with the type of mischief you cause in school *shakes head in disappointment* When will these noobs ever learn? *hopeless sigh* No Jimmy, that's not edible-
DOCTOR?? A NOOB BY THE NAME OF JAMES *facepalm* I MEAN JIMMY SWALLOWED IN MY TAYLOR SWIFT MERCH? ARE YOU GOING TO BE ABLE TO SAVE MY MERCH?
Juneteenth: Black Lives Matter <3
Father's Day: Um.... A day to honor your father's- those who stayed and actually care.
Independence Day: Better known as Fourth of July 🇺🇸
Beware of the fireworks kids, and don't play with matches
WERE YOU LITERALLY NOT LISTENING TO WHAT I JUST SAID JIMMY?? I SAID NO PLAYING WITH MATCHES-
OH HELL NO-
FIRST YOU EAT MY FORMER-NOW-DEAD TAYLOR SWIFT MERCH AND YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, AND STILL HAVE THE NERVE TO LIGHT UP MY NEWLY BOUGHT TAYLOR SWIFT MERCH?? THIS IS IT YOU NOOB-
*stuffs Jimmy into trash can* HA! WHERE YOU BELONG! DOES YOU RIGHT FOR MURDERING MY MERCH!-
Yes Ma'am, I'm fine *nervous chuckle* Oh, him? He just lost his teddy bear Fuzzy somewhere in there. Yes, we're fine. Totally fine.
*violent mumble* I'll get you for this someday Jimmy.... Someday.....
Halloween: The one when for one day only, you have the opportunity to be anyone but yourself and receive free candy.
*poses as a 12 year old* tRiCk oR tReAt, pLeAsE giMMe cAnDY
* le gasp* HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING 15!! I'M CLEARLY STILL A NOOB- *clears throat* I mean, kid because I'm under 13.
What do you mean I don't get any candy because you are assuming I'm older?? I CAN ASSURE YOU I AM 15- I ahem mean 12. I said 12. *gets pulled away from house* I MEANT 12 BECAUSE I AM 12!!
*arrives home, failing to bring anything except an apple and toothbrush* *peers over Derren's bag* WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL OF THIS CANDY?? WHAT THE - *eats all the candy, only leaving Derren an apple and toothbrush* That's better now.
Thanksgiving: I actually have to help prepare the dinner? *whines* DO I LOOK LIKE A COOK TO YOU?? *burns the turkey and the house*
WhOoPs-
April has been sleeping in my basement for the past week so.... *once we move into April's house and thanksgiving dinner is prepared and served on the table*
Everyone: *says grace*
Me: *scrapes the mash potatoes off the plate and frees them into potato empire* now now, that's better
Christmas Eve: Is it Christmas yet? What about now??
Midget: aRe yOu cLaRa?
Me: *looks 7 feet down* yes noob
Midget: *frown* I'm not a noob. I'm a-
Me: Leprechaun?
Midget who is apparently not a leprechaun: I'm an elf for Santa's sake!!
Me: *confusion*
Midget who is not a leprechaun and claims to be an elf: I have been summoned here to inform you about your newly annual duties
Me: *still in confusion* annual duties you say?
" Elf": Yes, you heard correct indeed. You see Santa ran off with a str- Pretty lady, never to come back to the North Pole.
Me: And you want me to fulfill these tasks?
"Elf": You seem to be the only Clara in the world, and we need a Clara.
Me: Can't you choose a Aralc?
"Elf": It must be you
Me: *sigh*
"Elf": You in or not?
Me: Only under one condition
"Elf": What?
Me: That my friends sl- I mean serva- *shows picture of derren* gets to be a reindeer
"Elf": Alright then.... *magically turns Derren into a reindeer* Is that it?
Me: *evil laugh* yes yes. It's perfection
Christmas Day: Oh, finally
New Year's Eve: long story short, it was a bad time. *gives long speech of why 2020 was the worst and why 2021 will be better* *dies before the clock even struck 12 'o clock due to poisoning* Better yet, *everyone gets poisoned and dies before 12 'o clock midnight* Long Story Short no one survived, except for the dolphins. They're the one who poisoned us all along with the help of leprechauns. Then the dolphins and leprechauns lived happily ever after. The damn end.
I told you to not trust such mythical creatures, but no, no one ever listens to me. No one did. Ahem, now b l e h