8/May/2021 (Thursday)
Many things happened. good and bad both. I want to focus more on good because i may able to give myself motivation to look forward and not to see what time and people has done to me. sometimes i think in this was i feel like i am blaming someone or situations but truth is i was also not at wrong. being sensitive and kind person i am. even if they hurt me in past and come back with smile, i feel warm and i feel i should forgive them. then suddenly the thought comes to my mind, am i doormat. i want to appreciate myself , never hurt someone with words or physically. but i also can't let them think i am their punching bag. this is truly what i am to them. i try to solve things, so i thought maybe i should ask them what i did wrong. but they never had any words just abusive words and physical pain to me. in the end i realize this is what i am to them nothing will change even if i die or they die. we both will only cry for each other for couple days then we will be both in our world. so whats the meaning of this constant meaningless pain. i want to go somewhere far away. i am not able to hurt them but i think someday i will lose my rationality and do something bad to me. what will be the result, nothing. all they will do is few days drama. i don't want to be more looser because of abuse i have become. i have become so sensitive i am scared that someday i will loose control of my mind.