“Robert, you’re looking a bit thin, are you taking care of yourself?” Mary asked, touching Robert's face with her small hands. Robert closed his eyes, feeling nothing but self loathing form the gentle touch; he wished he would stop feeling so dreadfully sick. It was all in his head, the feelings, the sensations… Robert tried his best to keep his brain busy with music or mary; but he just…
He couldn't function well at the moment.
“I am… to the best of my abilities, been having had a hard time sleeping recently” Robert mumbled, grasping Mary's wrists and pushing them away gently. He didn’t want to be mean, or take his frustrations out on her. She didn’t even know anything.
“Is it because of the album? It’s releasing soon right?” Mary said, offering a kind of understanding smile; but Robert only shrugged. “Guess so.” he mumbled before turning away and shuffling over to Mary's couch; sitting down slowly before sighing. “Are… are you having a bit of a fight with simon love?”
Robert tensed at the mention of Simon's name, and without thinking he sent a dark glare to his girlfriend. “No- I'm not.” Robert said lowly before turning away, a deep frown resting on his face. There was a moment of silence before Mary walked over and sat next to Robert, placing her hand on Robert's back. “I'm sure if you just talk to him Robert, you’ll make up,” Mary said.
Robert had to stop himself from cussing at mary; why did she always have to try and understand, and why the fuck did she always have to be touching him!
“It’s not that easy Mary, I don't expect you to understand so just cut it out,” Robert said a bit harshly, brushing Mary's hand away once more before standing up. Mary gazed at Robert in shock, not used to Robert being so aloof and cold. “Where are you going robert?” Mary asked, standing up with Robert, who was already walking towards the door.
“For a walk- i need to think” Robert said quietly, grasping the door handle before simply walking out, ignoring Mary's call for him. Robert needed to be alone, before he snapped and hurt Mary's feelings. Recently that's all Robert had been doing, hurting people. It made Robert feel sick to his stomach, but he just couldn’t stop.
Robert shoved his hands into his pockets, eyes trained on the ground as he walked aimlessly, not sure where he was going. It felt like there were hands digging inside of Robert's brain, controlling his actions and making him impulsive do things without thinking. Robert was really beating himself up..
Robert sighed heavily, feeling the need for a drink.
Without a second thought, Robert walked to his favorite pub; where Simon had caught him and that Eric fellow kissing in the bathroom. Robert had caught Eric eyeing him every now and then, though Robert didn’t do anything about it. He didn’t really care at the moment, his thoughts were too preoccupied.
~~~
“You’ve been coming around here a lot recently, Robert, '' Eric noted, sliding Robert's normal request, a large pint of beer. “So what Eric, do I look like I'm in a talking mood” Robert grumbled in a moody manner, grasping his drink and taking a long drink. Eric raised an eyebrow at Robert before holding his hands up in surrender and leaving Robert to his own devices.
Robert sighed, leaning his chin on his pal as he traced his finger around the rim of his drink, his thoughts once more falling onto simon. It had been a week since they last spoke. Robert found himself missing simon more and more with each day; and he wondered if maybe it was his fault for making things complicated. Robert cursed his morals, wishing he could just stop caring so much.
Robert lifting his drink once more before guzzling the rest of the bitter liquid, slamming it down before wiping his mouth. ‘Maybe I should just talk to him like Mary said, maybe he’ll understand’ Robert thought, tapping his fingers on the bar and ordering another drink.
‘Maybe I'm in the wrong, what if I just give in and let Simon do whatever he wants’ Robert festered more, quickly downing his drink and ordering another beer.
‘Maybe i should just- give up? Maybe that would be easier, no one ever got hurt when they didn’t try,' Robert thought, downing drink after drink until he had successfully gotten so drunk that it felt like toe room was spinning. Robert laid his head in his arms, hand loosely gripping a half drank thing of beer. Robert felt numb, he hadn't ever gotten this drunk before..
“Robert?... robert-” a voice said, but Robert didn’t know who it was. He assumed it was eric, trying to get him to move so a new patron could sit; but eric wasn’t the type to do that. Robert felt hands pulling on his arms, trying to get him to sit up until finally Robert relented and slowly lifted his head. “Bug off..'' Robert grumbled, his unfocused eyes trained on the person in front of him.
Robert couldn’t really focus long enough to know who it was until they leaned in close. Simon’s face, looking worried looked back at him in crystal clear focus. Robert blinked slowly, it was like the world around them had fallen away and all he could see was simon. “Robert- you’ve drank too much…'' Simon said, pulling Robert to his feet ungracefully.
Robert’s legs gave out on him almost immediately and he fell against Simon's chest, gripping onto his arms helplessly. “S-simon” Robert whined, pressing his face into Simon's chest; breathing in his familiar scent. Simon struggled to get robert on his feet, eyes darting around to see the bar staring at them. “Jesus- blast it robert!'' Simon hissed, becoming frustrated with his friend.
Robert felt Simon's arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him close until he was suddenly lifted up and thrown over Simon's shoulder. Roert groaned, going limp as he hung over Simon's shoulder; not even fighting it. Simon tossed a few coins onto the bar before briskly leaving the bar. “Christ robert, why did you drink so bloody much!” Simon hissed, grasping Robert tightly.
A muddled response came from robert, he was too drunk to respond very well.
Robert closed his eyes, feeling like he could hurl from the pressure on his stomach; and he almost did until he was tossed into the backseat of Simon's car. Robert groaned and laid on his stomach, a bloody car could run him over and he wouldn’t even notice it; he was that out of it. Robert peeked his eyes open and looked to the front seat, seeing Simon climb in with a sour look on his face.
Robert let out a small sound before finally closing his eyes and passing out, a sickening feeling of guilt making him want to disappear forever.
~~~
When robert opened his eyes, he found himself in someone's bed. He recognized it as Simon's bed; he guessed that Simon must have taken it to his place to avoid the lectures from Robert's parents. Robert closed his eyes, feeling a horrible headache coming on. Robert let out a weak noise, it was dark.
Robert closed his eyes once more, stretching out weakly before feeling the warmth of another body in bed with him. Robert turned his head and gazed at Simon, who lay next to him, sleeping soundly. Robert studied Simon's sleeping face, seeing how calm and sweet Simon looked when he was asleep.
Simon was laying on his stomach, hugging his pillow to his face as he slept. Robert was transfixed by Simon, unable to take his eyes off of him. Robert turned slowly, still feeling a bit drunk, Robert wondered how long it had been since he passed out. Slowly, Robert reached out to touch Simon's hair, sliding his fingers delicately through the soft strands before letting his hand fall onto the bed.
“Simon..” Robert whispered, voice gravely and sore. Simon didn’t move, instead he buried his face deeper into his pillow. Robert pursed his lips before lightly nudging Simon, needing him to wake up. “Simon please… wake up” Robert insisted, poking Simon's face.
Simon’s face scrunched together before slowly his eyes opened. Simon let out an annoyed sigh before rubbing his eyes and lifting his head, “robert? What… are you going to puke again?” Simon said hoarsely. Robert frowned, feeling ashamed.
“No, I just need to talk to you,” Robert said, eyes darting away, his confidence quickly leaving him. Simon furrowed his eyebrows before laying his head down once more, “what is it… i’m already awake” simon said softly, gazing at robert’s face through the dark.
There was a moment of silence before Robert sighed softly and looked at Simon, “do… “ robert started, struggling to find his words. Simon waited patiently, his dark eyes serving no help to poor flustered robert. Robert sighed in frustration before shaking his head, becoming angry at himself for not being able to say the three simple words. ‘I am sorry’, was it really that hard?
“Nevermind..” Robert whispered, starting to turn away,a bitter look resting on his face. However, simon acted before robert could fully pull away. “Don't go..” Simon said, placing his hand on Robert's shoulder, stopping him from turning his back to simon.
Robert tensed, feeling his heart jump to his throat as Simon's hand slid down his arm. “Come here robert..” Simon encouraged softly, turning Robert back to face him. Robert allowed this, his eyes lifting up to look into Simon's gentle brown eyes. Simon smiled at Robert, pulling his body close and wrapping his arms around Robert, simply holding him.
“Better.'' Simon hummed, nuzzling his face into Robert's neck, his lips placing small kisses to the porcelain skin. Robert closed his eyes, melting like butter in Simon's arms. Robert felt better when Simon held him so close. Robert knew he shouldn’t be doing this… but, he just couldn’t help the way he felt.
Robert returned the embrace, letting out a shaky breath, barely holding back tears. Robert hid his face into Simon's neck as well, trying not to cry. Simon held Robert gently, rubbing his back slowly, his heart feeling full. Simon was quickly growing more and more attached to robert…
“Why are you crying robert..” simon asked softly, leaning back to try and look at robert’s face. “Because i’m so fucking confused..” Robert cried softly, gripping Simon's shirt tightly. “I cant keep this up, i don't know what to feel anymore i just- im so lost” robert whimpered, now allowing simon to see his face. Robert felt so weak, he was really starting to get fed up with himself.
Simon frowned before looking at the wall, thinking of ways to comfort Robert before looking back down at the top of Robert's head. “Robert please..” Simon said softly, gently cupping Robert's face and lifting it. Robert let out a small protest before looking into Simon's face. Simon gazed into Robert's face with a small frown, he didn’t like seeing Robert so upset.
“Can i kiss you?'' Simon whispered, brushing away Robert's tears with his thumbs. Robert grabbed Simon's hands, teary eyes going back and forth between Simon's eyes before settling on Simon's lips. Robert felt butterflies in his stomach and he nodded hi shead weakly, closing his eyes as he felt Simon's warm lips pressing against his. Robert whimpered softly, more tears dripping down his face as Simon kissed him.
Robert really hated himself right now.